To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

You are over 60 and doing a hard physical job (cleaning) to support your mid 20s son. He should be ashamed.

I am all for supporting adult children, my dc is just a bit younger than yours, but this is too much. No wonder your husband is resentful and worried. You need to review this with your husband and present a united front to your son about this.

your son sounds very entitled! I’m with your husband on this one. Your son signed up for a course he knew nothing about it sounds like! Close the bank of mum (and dad).

He started uni a year late.. worked. After uni, travelled. Came home, then was.paid to.do.some work.abroad. came back as covid hit.. didnt.want to.be stuck abroad.. lived with us. All.during covid had no where.else.to.go.then ... returned to.uni.city for this job. ( ta then got on job teaching which he really.loves )

I have no read through all the answers. To me it doesn't sound like anyone is unreasonable. You made an offer for a fixed period of time. That time has changed and your dh sounds tired. A lot of ds bashing on here but I don't see that he's done anything wrong either. Obviously there are options between shared student flats and private flats. There are shared flats with final year students who are trying to buckle down. Or with post grad students who are not undergrads and more mature. Or professionals who want a reasonable flatmate and need to get up in the morning. Obviously this is a practical place to start.

on the dh front I'd be concerned by his tiredness and resentment. First is he ok? Maybe stop thinking of healing their relationship and really find out how your dh is. Is he well? Is he exhausted? Does he feel not supported or thought about? Has he health issues? Does he feel he can't look forward to a rest or the things he hoped to do because of ongoing responsibility? Is the responsibility grinding him down emotionally? Does he feel pressured by you to give his level of support? You made a commitment to your ds but as the date and the state of tiredness and mental well-being of your dh has changed perhaps you need to sit down together and make another plan and then sit down with your ds and talk it through and work it out together.

Your ds finding a professional or postgrad student share that is a lot cheaper is a start. Knowing the actual date when the situation changes for your ds and your dh can stop working so hard and feeling like everyone's dependent on him might be important psychologically for him. If your dh is exhausted then maybe it is more important for your ds to try and supplement his income with a bit of weekend work. I am concerned your dh sounds so tired. I don't think you should cut all help to ds when you promised him but I think it sounds like your dh needs some prioritization so he can rest and feel less pressured. I'd be concerned most to check he's actually well and ok and not got any underlying health issue causing this increase in tiredness and exhaustion. I'd talk with him and let him properly express how he feels and then try and get a practical plan that minimises the pressure on him and gives him a more fixed deadline and allows him to reduce his workload and pressure.

@Andonandonamdnn I don't understand why your son won't start earning a proper salary until 2023. I work in teacher training and if he's applying for posts for this September, of course he'd be paid a full salary from then.

Can you give a bit more information?

If he is a graduate working in a school he should sign up to be a tutor on the national tutor programme which he could pick up evening and weekend work doing online… £18-24 per hour I think….

To me DS sounds quite spoiled. He seems happy with the arrangement and why wouldn't he? Why a flat and not lodge in a quiet house? There are plenty where I live in Uni town that are let to mature and post grad/foreign/ Phd students. Not every share is a mad one!

Anyway, you have two choices, continue as you are, then DH resentment will build and build if you don't see his side of things. I think he is right, about time DS stood on his own two feet and lived a real student life (not too many luxuries etc.). Or - you can continue to sub your son, but that may end in you subbing him on your own if DH decides enough is enough and decants to a tropical island to enjoy his retirement, as planned.

Indulged people are rarely grateful anyway, they just seem to accept it and often demand more. Quite selfish of your son to see you out working to support him, when he could do more to help himself.

Best of luck, but cut those apron strings or you will be financially supporting him forever.

Your son is taking the bloody piss! Leeching off older parents for his perfect flat. What an embarrassment. My stepson is graduating with almost certainly a first this summer, from a very highly rated university, a maths degree. Funnily enough, he and all his friends in shared student accommodation have all been able to study at home. In the shared house, on trips home, in the library.

How your boy is even studying at post grad level if he’s too thick to say when looking for accommodation, “looking for a quiet home not a party home” I don’t know.

He should be ashamed of himself, taking money off you.

Your husband is getting older and has had enough, but is too nice to come out and say so.

That's the new reality to work with, and your son needs to know and make changes accordingly.

Hahahaha!
come on!

their adult son chose to do the post grad no one forced him!

maybe son needs to think about why his dad is withdrawn on the phone, grow a backbone and start supporting himself so his dad doesn’t need to keep working all these hours.

why on earth can’t the son live in a flat share?!

Yours is a view point that really annoys me - this idea that parents have to bow down to their adult son/daughters every whim else risk ‘the relationship’ and they might never speak to you again. However if my son or daughter did that to me I would think good riddance, can’t be doing with such a self absorbed and entitled offspring!

Your husband is 62. 2 years older than me. I didn’t realise I was entitled to stop work and take holidays abroad and that if I didn’t get this, people would rally round saying oh you poor thing you must be soooo tired. Where do I sign up for this?

Shared accommodation doesn’t need to be with rowdy partying undergrads. Plenty of people rent out a spare room in their homes with access to facilities, WiFi etc., and it’ll be much less expensive than a flat plus bills. Your son needs to start to learn budgeting and compromise, and independence from you both propping him up. He’s 26 with no dependants. He COULD get extra work if he felt like it, but currently doesn’t NEED to.

How hard so he looking for a flat share ?

Yep OP get your husband to the doctors and get him mended so he can continue to provide financial support to his entitled adult son. When said son could spare his father having to work the extra hours by just moving into a young professionals house share.

that’s what your post reads like to me @Hadtocomment

I admit I've only skipped through a lot of this, but what's stopping ds getting a lodger (mature student perhaps?) to pay half the rent? If there isn't a spare bedroom the living room could be turned into one, he can't expect you to keep him in luxury for the rest of his life.
Time for that 'talk' (the one you have with your son,) your husband will only make things worse if he spouts his resentment directly at ds and risk a response of him giving up his studies in a childish paddy.
Frankly, you have spoiled him rotten and its time he grew up.

I know you said he liked “ quiet time” at the weekends but could he not work one of the days ? Pubs and restaurants in most towns are desperate for staff .

I worked throughout the whole of my bachelors and did my masters part time whilst working full time. Your DS needs to get a job - not full time obv but part time and stop sponging from his parents who he knows can't easily afford to 100% fund him. My DD who has CFS and anxiety (suicidal a lot of the time) is working whilst studying and she spent all of her spare time sleeping due to her health conditions. If she can do it with complex health issues, he can too. I'd tell him to get a job!

@StaplesCorner

You can sign up with me…

I grant you permission at the age of 60 to start prioritising yourself, you can stop work if you want or reduce your hours if that would better for you, and go on holidays abroad. Enjoy a pina colada on the beach!

there you go! Simple isnt it!

what’s stopping you? Martyrdom?

@LuckySantangelo35 I love your post!

@StaplesCorner

How long you gonna work for exactly then? Til your 70? 80? 85?

At some point the parents have to take a step back and let adult offspring make their own way in life and take accountability for themselves even if that means accessing and making full use of whatever services are available as may be the case for you son / daughter with MH problems.

there is no getting away from that fact because it’s reality - at some point parents become unable or unwilling to put themselves on the back burner.

if your husband started to feel too old or tired and wanted to slow down , and he said as such and you told him to fuck off and he actually did fuck off…where would that leave you??

He should just rent a room from someone - doesn't have to be with students. Renting a whole flat for yourself is a huge luxury.
I expect your DH felt pressurised into supporting him.
I can't think of any good reason why you should still be financially supporting him AT ALL. Shocked that he's accepting the support.

My DS is about to start his delayed degree apprenticeship because of covid, he is just 21. Whilst it’s nice to support children if you can afford to and my DS will be living at home longer because of this it should not put you in a worse position. Just seen your update that he went travelling for sometime as well.

I would be mighty peeved if I was your husband.

@Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom

the end isn’t really in sight though is it?

Op says he won’t really be earning til 2023. That’s a long time away.

Especially when you’re feeling exhausted and quite understandably resentful

He is working - he's teaching while training.

But obvs he has holidays and other time he could do something else for a few hours.

He could also house share

@Ferngreen

he doesn’t NEED their help.

He can move into a young professional house share. There are loads on spare room.com. I did it myself.

you sound very privileged if you think everyone can and should keep giving their son/daughters financial assistance when they are in their LATE THIRTIES!! At what point does the table turn, abs they start helping you out and supporting you? Not necessarily financially but more that ‘looking out for’ element. They’re not kids anymore!