To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

@OniferousWasp sorry, I should say - I think it was kind of you to find the link for OP. I only think it’s pointless because I don’t think OP really wants to open her eyes, given the questions she’s evaded about his pay.

If you're funding him he should be telling you his earnings, not some "between a TA and teacher wage" bollocks. Attached is starting teacher wage and the minimum is more than I earned at age 30. He could be £100 under that and convincing himself that's not lying.

This is one of those conversations I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for.

Like, did he mention he might becoming a teacher and op just offered £500 per month. Did he ask for £500 per month and op didn’t even bother to find out why he needed it. Did the dh actively agree or did op offer/agree and then tell the dh later.

I just can’t get my head around an adult man taking money of his parents at the age the op is while spending his weekend doing hobbies and sports. And signing up to do something, when he has no clue how long it’s going to take.

The op really reminds me of the op of a thread, fairly, early on in the pandemic. Her son was a pilot living abroad with his girlfriend. He and his girlfriend moved into a flat that the parents owned, rent free. He was made redundant and went and worked in a supermarket and op was heavily subsidising him (the girlfriend was working) and when he got his redundancy money through, he wanted to buy an expensive vintage car with it. Op had also loaned him money years before to buy a car, that he never paid back. And when the girlfriend and told him he should use that money for living costs he got all angry.

both that op and this one seem afraid of finding out what is actually going on, despite constantly subsiding their adult children. While their adult children just take the piss.

@madcatman my own view of Teach First is mixed and I was careful in my phrasing. Nick Gibbs (former Minister for Schools) was a big fan and used to present some good data but I agree he had an agenda. Some of my own undergraduates (shortage subject) have won direct placements and preferred this to the PGCE; I am not sure why.

A young person dear to me is an excellent counterexample to your sink-or-swim attitude regarding ITT. They struggled with their PGCE and ended up taking two years, nearly dropping out. They started teaching on temporary contracts and something clicked. They are now both successful and highly popular in a permanent job in a top school. I don’t know how often this happens

This is what happened to me. Struggled in PGCE first 2 terms. Something clicked and I got good. Then NQT year. Struggled for 1/2 the year then something clicked and got it. 2nd year better, 3rd year promoted. (Although be it I think for me a bit too soon). It took me 10 years to go into most schools and understand what I needed to do. It took me 20 years to go to most SEN schools and understand what i needed to do. It's only been last 5 years, where I felt comfortable.

What’s that got to do with OP’s son taking the piss out of his parents?

Sorry Lucky Santangelo 35, was empathising with wine and Poetry. Your right though irrelevant. Did not mean to hijack the thread.

I assume your son is doing teacher training?

I did teacher training at 22, in the late 00s. I lived in post-grad halls at the university, because it was cheapest. And entirely self-funded. Your DS is closer to 30 than 20, and needs to start man'ing up a bit.

IMO your DH needs to decide to either continue supporting your DS as he is and stop being a miserable bugger because of it (because he's made the decision as an adult to offer the support), or withdraw the support, or lower the support given. It's just a miserable situation for everyone if he gives the support but then is completely resentful about it.

OP,

The superprof website says that their average maths tutor (for example) charges 15/hr in Newcastle, £18/hr in Bristol and £21/hr in London. Because your DS is an experienced TA now training with Teach First, he is very well qualified and could start tutoring at the average price for your city. A good agency may command better net rates than going freelance.

At £17/hr netting after taxes at least £12.50/hr , he can earn £500 in 40 hours per month. Even earning £300/month would be good for him and good for you. He could do this in six hours per week or less. Why is this not a good idea?

He made the decision as an adult to offer support for a year! Now he’s been told in the vaguest of terms it seems that it’s actually another year!

And he’s got a wife being a total wet fish about not upsetting her darling pisstaking little darling…

I think he’s allowed to be a bit miserable!

He’s really not the issue here.

@Knittingchamp

hes got every right to be miserable given the circumstances!!

EXACTLY!!

Your son is horribly spoilt.

he doesnt tell you much but managed to get you to agree to 500 a month?

he needs to grow up and you need to stop being lied to

It does also sound as if the school is taking advantage of him.

I think you will find that this is a school based PGCE so pretty much full time.