To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

You’ll always get plenty of encouragement not to support your DCs on here OP if that’s what you want. You have good private pensions and neither of you are at retirement age; in fact you are in a similar position to me and my H we have one at uni and one who has a disabling mental illness (housebound) so may never leave home. It’s my priority to help and support them in any way I can. If H said he resented it he could fuck right off. And you still haven’t said how much you send your son - if it’s a couple of hundred a month or if you are paying all his rent/bills etc

When we agreed to do. This he was really low and living in an absolute.dive where students would be partying all.night. he got offered the job then sort of needed alt accom asap.
Living in a uni city meant that many places were taken by students then the next level of flat is v expensive.as the market is cornered by student lets that make a packet so.flats there.are rare, in demand and expensive. We offered to help but now its not sustanable. As i said ds is look for.flat share.now, its the emotional stuff i was refering to but failed to properly highlight due to feeling somewhat wobbly. My apologies!

The date of him qualifying just changed?

and you have no clue why? He didn’t tell you if he worked the years out wrong or is failing or whatever the reason is and just extended the the time you would support him with no explanation?

I get younger people have it difficult. But that’s happening to us all. I am a millennial. My brother a few years older, he got to go to uni on bursaries. I would have to get do it through finance. Does that mean my parents should have supported my into my late 20s?

and they would have been younger than you when I was in my twenties. If he was doing everything he could, like living cheaply and working weekends, I could understand you wanting to support him a bit.

But this is a pisstake. And if your husbands mental and physical health continues to go down hill, what happens then? And he can’t work or worse? Or can’t enjoy a life a bit more when your son, is finally self sufficient.

When your state pensions kick in, and presumably with mortgage paid off, you will pretty comfortable.

retiring early is a nice luxury.

I will be supporting my Dc until they have finished their education/ training.

Surely our whole focus while bringing them up is to support them to reach their potential and fulfilment.

Not get them to 18 or 21 or other fairly arbitrary definition of ‘adult’ and kick them off the family support network.

No one forced your DH into this, so he needs to learn to be a bit more gracious if he wants to maintain a good relationship with his family.

That is bizarre! Be more gracious about working in your retirement to fund me if you want to keep our relationship good! 🤨

Why does he have to do an extra year before he qualifies?

It sounds as though there was a finite time scale, which has now shifted. Most people who teach don’t live in noise free, stress free accommodation. Many have their own families to manage as well as the school work. I think you need to manage his expectations, otherwise he’ll be 30, doing the same thing.

Many 26 year olds will have been working for several years.

I feel for you.

Tbh I agree with many posters that your DS is being quite indulged.

Even in a busy shared house, there are plenty of place he could go to study. My DD is looking at uni for next year and they ask have late night and some 24 hour study facilities/cafes. There are noise cancelling headphones...it's really not hard to make it work.

That said, you and your DH have committed to help him out and I think having made that decision it's unfair of your DH to be making him feeling guilty about it, or fearful that the rug will be pulled out from under his feet.

I think it's worth having a discussion about whether he is able to move somewhere cheaper between now and September and look at flexible/wfh jobs that he can maybe do to top up his funds in the holidays (Amazon Flex, Deliveroo, seasonal supermarket/cafe jobs)...and definitely make it clear that come next year he must stand on his own two feet financially as you and DH are retiring fully.

How much does he earn a month, and how much do you send?

I think we are happy to help a family member but have bitten off more than we can chew.
It is the extension of the time that we need to support ,on reflection , thats led to the overwhelm i think.
He is look for flat share in the light of this.
He has beenntold the training runs from.sept.to.sept.which is why the time is extended .

Your DH is right to be concerned that your adult DS is happily taking your money when he should be supporting himself. And there's a younger child who will be able to demand the same.

Why has the qualification date changed?

Your DS should be taking steps now to leave his flat and find a room to let. Getting a summer job during the school holidays would be a good idea too.

He needs downtime at weekends? He can only afford that luxury because you’re enabling it. I’m working full time, 3 dc and about to start a masters alongside that. He can have downtime once he qualifies. I’m totally with your dh on this. Time for some stern words so you can enjoy life while well enough to do so!

The extra time seems.to be due to.the date he started in the school. He is not failing its going v well .

So he didn’t understand how long the training was when agreeing with you, that you would keep paying for him?

he didn’t know the timeline that he was requiring your financial support?

To be honest it was all in such a rush . His mood was v low in the shared house. He used to.get woken up by room next door having loud sex etc and drunken parties. The flat was found innhurry due to this and starting work.
We thought it was for a year. Its not that much longer its just that dh struggling more than anticipated.

As i said he is now.look for a flat share based on longer period .. its the emotional.feelings.of dh that is my focus

Who's idea was all of this? Sounds like your son never asked for it and your husband never offered it. If your son doesn't know this is causing friction then what do you expect him to do?

If you want to work a second job to rent a flat for your son that's your problem. You shouldn't be insisting that your husband joins you in this.

I agree with your husband. This is ridiculous. At least give him a date your financial aid will end and tell him this is a struggle for you!

He's in his mid 20s! The bank of mum and dad needs to close its doors.

I must admit I'm a bit baffled about the extra year.

But if your DS is now looking for a cheaper place, why not have an open discussion with him and your DH? Your DS can tell your DH that he'll be moving into a cheaper place on x date, therefore the subsidies can stop after then.

Also, a noisy flat share is not the only option.
Surely you've seen adverts that talk of 'young professional'.

There are plenty of rooms, flat shares, house shares that are not party central.

He doesn't need a flat by himself. He needs to share with people who are similar to him.

A flat by yourself at 26! I’m a teacher and have never had such a thing. Totally with your husband, leave your son to work it out.

Ok but it sounds like the flat was something you offered? Rather than something he explicitly asked for? In which case it’s seems unfair for your DH to now be taking out his resentment on your son.

to be honest you all need to have a conversation. Being withdrawn on the phone is going to solve nothing except more confusion and hurt and resentment all round.

As i said ,it will be resolved as now look for flat share.
Decisions were.made in a hurry and i need to be mindful of that in future.
I think the extended period is.linked to.the academic year.
I think that i feel sorry for this generation aNd am.also.surrounded by weatheir folk ( my mates dc both have fab ex family houses for eg) and i want to.help this generation ... but have to be realistic.

If you can afford it, fine. But the reality is you can’t. I think your son should stand on his own feet.. could he move home instead? Would save you all money. 26 is young enough to share accommodation & he could find accommodation that would suit him im sure. Your husband needs to explain his sentiments to your son and you need to remain neutral and supportive of both sides xx

So he's doing SCITT or something similar? At 26? What was he doing before? He doesn't have savings?

I appreciate he's actually teaching whilst still studying but he does have holidays and he's being very precious about the 'quiet'. I know people with families who've done this training and there's been very little quiet space for them.

He needs to change his thinking and you need to stop facilitating to this level