To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

It sounds as though your son is perhaps doing a PGCE? Masters in Education? Both are unpaid so I understand why he needs help; I needed some from my parents during this time (I was younger than him though).

If so, he can move back to shared accommodation. We all did it during ours and yes it’s noisy sometimes but you can absolutely teach/study/plan etc in that environment. Most of us lived in grim places in London during ours, needs must and all that. I think it cost £500 (was about 7 years ago) a month all in (you can imagine the state of the place for that money) which my Mum paid half of and I covered the rest in grants. Spending money was my loan which was £1600 per 16 weeks. Of course it was tight and I ate beans from the tin more than once but welcome to taking responsibility for your life choices 🤷🏻‍♀️
He can’t get a weekend job after working in a school all week, you’re right it’s not sustainable and it’ll affect his wellbeing. I did tutor though which made me extra money each month so he can do this after school with no problem as it’s just an extension of his day. He needs to do this.

26 seems quite late to be starting this when his undergrad will have potentially finished at 21. I agree with your husband that there has to be a line drawn, I also see your need to support but I really think by the sounds of it you can pull it right back. His life sounds very cushty for a student!!!

The retirement age is 67 - you both work part time. I would say with your big pensions you should get on with it and subsidise DS- this isn't the 1980s/90s with jobs for life - DCs need help if you can give it - it's only another year or so.
I have adult DCs in their late 30s and help towards housing and anything else btw.

The issue is you’ve said you will help.
so you need to
commit to that and see this bit through but then make clear to your son he’s on his own. Set a deadline.
but you also need to have a word with DH about his attitude as it’s all going to be damaging

If your son is doing a PGCE I feel for him. It nearly killed me.

The volume of work was massive.

I only stopped briefly when DH put food in front of me or I had 5 - 6 hours sleep at night.

You're very lucky to have those guaranteed pensions. Your DS will not be so lucky.

Your DH agreed to help your DS so needs to honour that commitment until the studies are over, then no more.

I think your son needs to stand on his own two feet more. There are many options other than noisy student flats. He could find a flatshare with just one other person for example.

I'm normally on the side of parents helping their children.

But in this case I think it's terrible he has his 60-something mum with health issues, working a physically-demanding job, just to send him money!

As a student, he can't afford a flat on this own. He should look to share with other masters students or perhaps just one other person. Where is he doing the course - could he move back home with you until it's completed?
Is he very grateful for the work you're doing to support him?

Your son needs to get a PT job, lots of us managed one during further education.

Did he have help whilst he was at university as well?

This reminds me of one of those enormous baby birds sitting in the nest whilst 2 tiny parents fly about feeding him…

Your DS is a full grown man and should not be taking money off his retired parents. Supporting your child through uni usually means until they're 21/22 not 27. God I'm the same age and own a company, a house and have a baby. I can't imagine still asking daddy for pocket money.

Your son is a few years off 30 and needs to grow up and support himself. 26 is an age when it wouldn't be weird for him to have a family of his own!

I did teacher training while living in a flatshare. It was hard, I was 23 and was hundreds of miles away from any family but I did it and learned a lot about adulthood along the way.

I think you need to listen to your dh. And stop getting involved with the details of your ds's arrangements.

I would have a chat with your dh and fix a time for the subsidy to stop - 3 months? That's long enough for ds to sort out an alternative plan. Leave the details to him to work out. Start planning what you will do with your dh - give up work completely maybe?

Just because pension age has changed to 67, it doesn't mean people are any physically younger or able to continue in tough jobs when they get older.

I do feel sorry for the younger generation who won't have my option of retiring at 60 with a semi decent pension (hopefully) topped up by the state pension once I'm 67.

Of course the DH is frustrated. He's 62 and were he not subsidising his 25 year old would presumably have retired.
If DS moved to a shared flat , could he afford to retire? That's the nub of it. Yes DS is working hard and not earning much, but he's 25. I lived in some pretty grotty shared accommodation as a student and when graduated for a bit. That's life. Also there are so many pt gigs at the minute- yes he's working hard but a few hours of deliveroo or table waiting won't kill him if he absolutely has to have a solo flat.

I feel like something is missing from your post as if you both agreed and there is an end in a year's time then your husband being fed up now means something has changed . Is your son not appreciating what you are doing? Is he not putting the work in? Is he away on holiday subsidised by you? Is he feeling you are over indulgent towards your son? Are you talking about further support? Hopefully it will all be over in a year and your son will be independent. I would hope your son is doing everything he can to make you feel appreciated.

All the students I know work part-time support themselves. I did post-grad part-time and worked part-time to get through. I'm with your husband here. You should be able to enjoy time as a couple and travel at this time of your lives. What if he decides to do a PhD next?

I'm with DH you need to cut the apron strings you talk about him like he's 12 . At 26 He need to sort it himself .

I am with your husband. You are obviously struggling to support your DS and this needs to be addressed.

Realistically DS has 12 months of "hardship" if you cut the financial support.
If he really wants to finish this course, he will either find a weekend job or move to cheaper accommodation.

Not all bedsits/ house shares are full of undergraduates with a pary going on 24/7.
It's time to cut DS loose!

I’m guessing he’s doing a PGCE/teacher training? Did he choose a salaried route or a traditional route where you take out a loan? Is his subject eligible for a bursary?

I don’t understand why he is expecting you pay for a flat he lives in by himself. Why can’t he live at your house and commute to lectures and placements? I stayed with my parents during my teacher training. He won’t have time for a part time job so he should’ve considered completing his PGCE closer to home!

I think your son is selfish and you seem blinded by the impact on both you and your husband. If your son wanted to do a post grad qualification he should have worked out how he could achieve this without relying on his parents to work to fund him.

Why is your son not working? Lots of people on this thread did qualifications whilst working, including me. I worked full time in a high pressured public sector job alongside doing a Masters part-time. It’s hard but doable especially when you’re young.

Your son needs to make some sacrifices, not you and your husband. He is young. At 26 if this is his choice he needs to work to fund it. When I left home I had a flatshare with a friend. Would I have preferred my own quiet flat? Of course I would but I couldn’t afford it. Loads of people do very intense degrees/masters/PhDs whilst working and flat sharing. This idea that your son needs downtime at weekend so can’t work is ludicrous. Great if you can afford it, but he can’t. Simple. He doesn’t seem very bright if he can’t work out why his dad is pissed off.

I think it’s great you want to help your son but he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help himself. Does he not realise the pressure he is putting his parents under?

How much money are you actually giving him? As you both seem to be doing a lot of hours every week on top of your pensions.

It is unclear from the OP. Do you have another child as you said put both through uni. If so, what does your other child think of this set up? Can I also check does this mean your son has been a full time student since leaving school? Has he ever worked and been financially independent?

Yes, exactly this.

I started reading this expecting to be in favour of supporting your son as much as possible, but honestly, it’s madness! You’re over 60 and doing a hard physical job in order to send money to a healthy 26yo so that he doesn’t have to share a flat.

Does your DS actually know what a strain this all is? Kids (“kids”-he’s 26!) sometimes don’t think about it and just assume mum and dad can supply whatever is required.

I noticed you said that you were worried DS might drop out without all your support, and that he’s a bit older than he might be for this course- was there a period when things weren’t going so well for him?

Also, just to add to my last post. I was 23 and my parents were in their mid 40s during my PGCE (I’m nearly 26 now). They understand how f’ed up my generation is. You and your DH are a generation older than my parents. The economy was very different when you were young.

When your DH was in his 20s in the early 80s, the average salary was £8-10k a year and the average house was around £34k. Nowadays, the average salary is £38k and the average house is £260k.

Your DH is an old man who is out of touch.

Well perhaps the old man @stopthepain could be allowed to retire then ?

I can't get past 'he wants to chill out at the weekend'
Don't we all mate!!!

When I did my teaching degree, there were single parents on the course, working part time, juggling goodness knows what at the same time.
I was pregnant and living in a noisy household and also juggling work.

Stop enabling your son. He's 26 ffs!
Your dh has every right to be totally sick of it.

Sorry but you and dh are being ridiculous funding your 25 year old at the expense of your lifestyle and health. HE chose to do this qualification then HE should have worked out the finances. When your a postgrad you take loans, live in shared accommodation with other postgraduate students or training teachers.

Did your husband actually agree to help him?

Nearly all trainee teachers I know supplemented their income with night and weekend work.