To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

[YoyosToe]

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

With all due respect, you're only thinking about it from your perspective.

Oh yes. The problem isn’t men, it’s those silly women with their unrealistic expectations that men might actually pull their weight. 🙄

do you also tell domestic violence victims that they shouldn’t have made him angry. It’s their own fault?

Bloody hell @Tamzo85 are you advocating that women should put and shut up with men not doing their share of housework/childcare?

fuck that

OP isn’t happy with being dumped on - it sounds like she’s potentially always had the burden of their shared DC too. She has every right to object, he should be doing his bit esp for the SC.

The SC probably need more reassurance that at least one of their parents are centering them anyhow.

As with everyone who posts like this, you are absolutely falling for the parental slight of hand that somehow places all the responsibility on the stepmother.

do you know what is really a kick in the teeth for these children? The fact that neither of their parents cares enough to be there and look after them.

Maybe they shouldn’t have had kids at all since they can’t be arsed with the basics of parenthood.

Get a housekeeper like on the Brady bunch 😁

Rather than seeing them as your step children maybe see them as your children’s siblings (albeit half). It might not solve the problems but a different mindset might help a little to ease your feelings. My ex also had children who we had every other weekend and although I had no problem with that at all I think I would have struggled to have them all the time. They’re grown up now and lovely but I always saw them as my children’s half brother/sister and not my step children.

Like I said to another poster - assume your DH will be like this unless he is very militant about not being so.

No, this is just bizarre. There's no need for a man to be "militant" about pulling his weight to do so, many do naturally. And you usually have time to observe whether they do before you marry them. If they stop doing so after you get married then you have every right to be surprised and offended.

And there is a big difference between maybe doing a bit less than half but it balances out alright/isn't too bad, to doing nothing and/or leaving you as the main person in charge of his kids. The latter is certainly not something that we should "assume all men will be like". These are the men to avoid, not men in general like the former might be.

Sadly that never ever ever happens and actually the children expect that the stepmother would pick up the slack and therefore it is in completely ingrained into the children and repeats repeats repeats generation after generation.
The expectation in the bar of man is so low that doing the absolute bare minimum actually often not even that is seen as being father of the fucking year.
The narrative in the conversation does need to turn more to how the hell do we prevent this and literally refusing to have children with Man until they prove in themselves capable of doing 50% around the house before it gets to that stage, again this will never happen.

When I say not my step children I don’t mean that in a negative way, I mean they were part of the family as siblings.

OP has a DH problem, as is common in threads like these.

Maybe their father could see them as all his children and do some parenting?

It is unbelievably depressing how keen so many women are to absolve men of their fucking responsibilities.

Clearly it’s the women who need to change their thinking and realise that it’s all their own fault if they aren’t happy at being treated like a domestic appliance.

You are forgetting that the OP has said that she isn’t able to discipline these half siblings.

They aren’t all just siblings who can be treated equally because she can only make decisions and exercise parental authority towards some of them.

That makes a huge difference.

You have a DP problem op. When it's your own kids it's annoying but ok because they're yours and you love them. It must be so much harder when they're not your kids and the dad swans off!

No advice but you are not BU. You need to say that you need some time alone. Does your H take his DC out regularly?

Have you actually read it or do you lack comprehension so badly?

The attitude is towards the SC's parents, not the children.

Like I said to another poster - assume your DH will be like this unless he is very militant about not being so

That's a low bar you set for men. I'm glad I didn't, and actually have a lovely husband who isn't a massive, lazy, piss-taking liability.

@Scianel

Thats my whole point - if you don’t want a man like this like most normal men are to very degrees - set your bar high and maybe someone will meet it maybe not. You’ve actually done the very thing I suggested women who don’t want to do the main caring work do so I’m not sure why your having a go at me.

Encourage your husband to take his children away for a long weekend, rather than you taking yours. He can't turn that round into you hating them then and you get a much needed break. You sound like you need one.

Then you can take yours away with a clear conscience that both sets of children are being treated equally.

There’s some real twats on this thread.

That’s very unfair. And burying feelings ‘deep down’ rarely ends well.

Op I have a friend who is a step parent and she struggles sometimes. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love dsc, or her dh but it goes without saying that her life would be far simpler and easier if her dc didn’t have other children. She wouldn’t voice this to her dh, dc or dsc but she can’t help the way she feels, and the vast majority of dsc care falls to her (rightly or wrongly that’s how it works for them).

I don’t judge her. Venting to us allows her to get it out of her system and go back to being the great mum and step mum that she is. No one is going to be messed up if she doesn’t spend every waking moment enthused about her life. She’s exceptionally kind and lovely to the dsc and they adore her so she’s doing pretty well in my book.

Sounds like this is mainly about your DH not doing his share of the parenting, and an extra complication is that some of them are your sc. Its ridiculous that he won't let you discipline them as well. They are cared for by you which means they should be treated in the same way as your shared children (though presumably they are older so more "discipline" is probably needed?)

It is 100% wrong that he feels he can swan off out any old time but doesn't discuss this or agree it with you. As a supposed parenting partnership, you should be working together on this.

You need to make him see this and step up. Otherwise leave him and then he'll have to look after your sc 100% of the time plus have the others regularly too.
Many posters are being very unfair. No one knows how it will feel to be a parent, let alone a step parent, until they are. And since children grow up and change, no one knows what the future will hold when their children get older. Hence all those posts saying their darling 9 and 11 year olds are so helpful round the house, why can't your 15 to be the same, etc..

If you can work outside the house, then do it. Any downside to that is heavily outweighed by the fact that he will have to engage with the care of his children. You need to force your husband's hand on this. He is abdicating all his responsibility onto you, and that's just not fair of him.

"And any time I make a sound at not being happy with the situation I'm accused of dislike of his DC."
Then have your response ready.
'No, I dislike your lack of involvement with your children.'
'No, I dislike you treating me like I'm staff.'
'No, I dislike the way you think you can live you life unchanged whilst I shoulder YOUR responsibilities.'
'No, I dislike you.'
His twisting of your unhappiness is just sheer manipulation on his part. Throw it back in his face. Every. Time. And point out to him that you can see through his accusation as the classic 'attack is the best form of defence' and you are not taking it any more.

"... I don't resent the children at all, but I do resent being expected to just love the fact that all their care now falls to me because their mum is a insert unsuitable word here and their Dad wants to go about his life unchanged."
And that is the point you have to hammer home to him. He "wants to go about his life unchanged" - well he can't. His life is changed, he is now the resident parent to his older children and he needs to stop burying his head in the sand about that. He needs to parent.

Your responded to "I bet if you dare suggest you are going anywhere with just your DC for a few days, leaving DH to parent his own DC, you are met with a barrage of nastiness"

With "I'm sure I'll be told how horribly unfair it is to leave DSC behind yes."

Well, if you can anticipate his response you can steel yourself against it. You know that the person being unfair is not you, it's him. Again, just throw his comments back in his face. 'I'm leaving them with their father, who I'm sure they'd prefer to be with. So who exactly is being horribly unfair to them, the one giving them time with their actual parent or the parent trying to avoid caring for their own children?' Do not pull your punches. He is being a manipulative responsibility-shirking arsehole, do NOT feel that you have to play nice here because he doesn't.

It’s all very well saying ‘you knew he had kids, you knew what you were getting into’ but the reality is that people don’t know exactly what it entails. You may think you do, but you won’t actually know until you’ve lived it.

It’s also unfair to say ‘this would hurt the step kids to read’, as if they’re the only ones with feelings that count. They’re not. OP matters too, and she shouldn’t be expected to put up and shut up if she’s unhappy. It’s always women that are expected to be endlessly self sacrificing ‘for the children’, as if suffering through life is somehow noble.

No, OP, you’re not being unreasonable. You’d also not be unreasonable to stand up for yourself and force a change. He’s guilting you because he knows he can, he knows that it works, but he’s the one that’s failing to take responsibility here. Do you think he cares? Of course not, guilting you into complying is easy, and it’s simplifies his life. A husband that loves and respects you should care about your happiness and work to ensure it, but this one unfortunately is out only for himself and is treating you with a complete lack of love and respect.

But the op knew before she married him....

Every woman needs to get a Magic 8 Ball so she can ask it questions like, "Will this man I'm dating turn into a selfish, entitled asshole in 10-years time if he becomes the main carer for his children?"

Crystal balls break too easily.