To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

[YoyosToe]

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

What do you mean by 'standard' when it is indeed a fact that anyone getting seriously involved with someone who has kids means that the person KNOWS ahead of time that those children will always be there.

But given you are 'counting down the hours' until you get YOUR house back, I can understand why you are taking this position.

I chose not to get involved with someone who had school aged children for the reasons many step mothers take to these boards.

It isn't difficult to decide.

Stating years later 'I didn't thing it would be like this' is pathetic.

I feel sorry for kids involved with anyone who resents their presence in 'their home'.

I guarantee that all the ‘you knew what you were doing’ women on here are NOT step mums!

No, I am not. And I won't ever be.

I know that I couldn't do it.

This is where criticism of SM's comes from.

Engage your brain and look at the situation and the responsibility and burdens that lay ahead.

It isn't hard.

I have no sympathy for anyone except the step children when things go tits up. Adults get to choose. Kids do not.

*Engage your brain and look at the situation and the responsibility and burdens that lay ahead.

It isn't hard.*

Yeah the problem is that people don't "engage their brain" to realise that there actually isn't one set answer to what responsibilities and burdens you should reasonably expect to have to face as a step parent. So what one person considers an obvious thing to assume comes hand in hand with the role, others will not.

It's isn't hard to understand that. But many struggle to, whilst making ironically patronising comments like this one.

Engage your brain

Yes, please do.

OP,

I feel very sorry for you.

Yours is a familiar story.

Your husband is not a good husband or father.

He is a waster who only cares about himself.

He does nothing for his children and bullys you to shut you down when you try and bring it up.

You are being used by your husband and his ex as a skivvy and a mug.

Neither of them could care less about you, hence he bullys you the minute you try to say anything.

It is also a shit life for your children.

You did not sign up for this and it doesn't have to continue.

Stop expecting him to step up and be a decent man.

He is not.

He also could care less about you.

Your function is to be house skivvy so his life continues normally.

You work.
Would your family support you leaving?

Would you be able to up and leave gor a few weeks to let the penny drop that you will no longer accept this?

Start crunching the numbers and see can you manage as a single parent?

He doesn't help, so you won't miss him.

We teach people how to treat us and you have taught him that you are a skivvy that can be bullied.

The only one who can make your life better is you.

Start organising yourself and get out, even for a few weeks for a rest.

You deserve better than being used for childcare.

Your children deserve better too.

Yanbu at all OP.

It doesn’t matter what you decided or chose years ago. You’re not tied to that forever if you don’t want to be. These fantasies aren’t unreasonable, and it might be wise to listen to them.

I felt like you for a long time for many reasons relating to my ex and all the people he brought with him. It took me a long time to find the courage to get rid, as I felt like I was being selfish on everyone else even though everyone else drove me to that point. Life is now simpler and happier and easier now it’s just me and my DC.

You’re in a strong position actually. Father of the year likely to struggle to find a woman up for taking on a man who has failed at fatherhood nor once but twice and two lots of step kids for her to look after. Tough sell. This was the lament of my friends ex when his second woman dumped him. Oh how we laughed.

Wow OP what an awful situation, and what unkind responses you've had !

I think it's clear that the only way for things to change is for you to step back. Yes, you'll be accused of all sorts of things by your H, who is clearly emotionally blackmailing you.

Next time he says that you dislike his DC if you don't want to do something for them, tell him : "If I dislike the DC when I do X Y and Z for them, you must hate them more since you do nothing at all for them, ever."

I think you need to leave. And I don't mean necessarily divorce but leave for a few weeks, so he has no choice but sort himself out and start a new routine. And then you can negotiate returning, with clear terms that you're not going to be shouldering everything. And you need to follow through on that, if he starts to leave it all to you again then you leave again, until he gets it.

If he doesn't you may have to leave for good.

I'm so angry on your behalf. I'm a single parent by choice and it can be hard but it seems so much more peaceful than your situation. I wouldn't want to shoulder all the care for someone else's children, it's hard enough to take care of mine. And I'm sure you get zero appreciation for what you do too !

But the op knew before she married him....

Knew what @PumpkinsandKittens? That he was a man who shirked his responsibilities or that the full care of her SC would fall to her?

She knew neither. Where does she say she did?

Ironic.

Not every situation is the same. I'm a stepmum, have been twice. The first time was a nightmare, the second is the complete opposite. Want to know why? Second time around it's with a man who takes his responsibility as a father seriously, who doesn't other his children, doesn't expect me to and is fully involved in the care of his and our children. The first cared only about himself, was selfish, lazy, controlling and a literal waste of space.

By your reckoning I should never have got with my husband just because he had children already. The fact he's decent, kind, generous and loving doesn't matter. Only the fact he had children.

Oh and by the way the reason our family gels so well has taken some work, but I credit my SC's mum a lot. She's fair and has made it very clear to my SC when they're in my home (theirs too before anyone jumps on that) they follow my rules and treat me with respect. She knew right away that stance was in the best interests of her children to allow them to fully integrate into our home when they're here. If OP had that same authority her life would be so much easier.

Bravo.

But most of the time its crap.

OP failed to understand. Many are like her.

It is really important that women understand what it means to be involved with someone who has children.

Folk should stop being so defensive.

Folks should be less judgemental.

many women find that the man they thought they married changed when that paperwork is signed. Or they move in together. Or they have a child.

it’s not even necessarily missing ‘red flags’. It might have been totally fine, but any of those events can unpredictably trigger a set of weird chain reactions. The ex might have been totally fine when you were just the gf, but moving in together seems to set off all kinds of utterly bizarre, difficult behaviour. Or the kids can respond poorly - either to their mum’s change in attitude or the situation. Or your husband suddenly gets a dreadful case of fear, guilt and obligation. And it all spirals.

Out of interest , did you bring any children in to the mix?

*It is really important that women understand what it means to be involved with someone who has children.

Folk should stop being so defensive.*

No thought, at all, then, to the fact that it is not always like this. This is one potential outcome, others are far better. It doesn't always "mean" anything like this being involved with someone who has children.

We need to flip the whole conversation on its head and say that men with children need to stop getting into new relationships if they can’t be a proper parent to their children.

So many men getting into new relationships and then treating the new partner like a glorified nanny they get to shag. Never mind she has her own, job, life, goals, even her own children.

Whenever there is a step parenting issue it is always because one or both of the DSC’s parents are being slack and the step parent is expected to pick it up.

Maybe the parents of the children need to look at why they’re spending so much time and are so dependent on the step parent? It’s not for the children or the step parent’s benefit is it?

Out of interest , did you bring any children in to the mix?

Yes, I did. Two. Plus my stepdaughter from my first relationship. She's an adult with children of her own now and still very involved in our lives.

Going away with your kids sounds lovely. You’ll have a great time and it’s be nice to spend time with just them. Btw, I married a man who had a kid already. And he didn’t expect me to do the childcare. Because he wanted to be the parent to his own child, not leave it to someone else. So all those who are saying ‘you know what you were getting into’ are talking crap. It’s not automatic that your partner will be lazy when it comes to his children. Some men are good dads. It’s just bad luck that you didnt realise beforehand.

We need to flip the whole conversation on its head and say that men with children need to stop getting into new relationships if they can’t be a proper parent to their children

Doesn't negate the women who readily jump into relationships with men who have kids.

So many posters chomping at the bit over this.

Get involved with men who have children at your peril. I have no sympathy for anyone that comes onto forums complaining afterwards. Zero respect if they have CHOSEN to have children with these men.

Bloody be responsible for your choices.

I have no sympathy for anyone that comes onto forums complaining afterwards.

Yeah, you've made that very clear. Complaining about a marriage to someone with kids going tits up is very much the same as complaining about an ordinary marriage going tits up, especially when there is no suggestion of being unpleasant to the kids involved. And nobody would be THIS proud to keep announcing the have no sympathy for people complaining in relationships in general.

You're just showing yourself to be thoroughly unpleasant.

The idea that a person could think something was going to be one way, but over a period of time come to realise that actually it’s but what they thought at all, seems beyond comprehension for some people.

@Tamzo85 you need to get real.
Really? Telling op not to talk about it in real life.
Well I have. To everyone close to me. Still alive and married. Maybe you need to suppress you're feelings online.
🤣

@AtwilightRebellion perhaps you should engage your brain on another thread. You clearly lack critical thinking skills for this one.

Every scenario is totally foreseeable - that’s why I know the winning lottery numbers!

Clearly lack the brain cell required.

Critical thinking skills eh. Ok dear.

Maybe a crystal ball would be a good option for those who cannot use their own critical thinking skills to foresee the different scenarios that could emerge from blending families.