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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

313 replies

YoyosToe · 13/05/2022 19:57

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

OP posts:
notagamer · 15/05/2022 07:43

All this you don’t have any brain cells” nonsense

It’s like watching my primary children argue

SwollenOuch · 15/05/2022 08:07

notagamer · 15/05/2022 07:43

All this you don’t have any brain cells” nonsense

It’s like watching my primary children argue

Almost as nonsensical as suggesting it's a woman's fault when her husband changes later in their marriage because she should have known, isn't it?

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:26

Isn’t the PP’s point that given the involvement of step children from the outset, issues later down the line were not unlikely - as is quite understandably the nature with split families, exes and step children?

No guarantees either way. But certainly it is a risk that I see as fairly high and consequently would avoid at all costs.

HotDogKetchup · 15/05/2022 08:30

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:26

Isn’t the PP’s point that given the involvement of step children from the outset, issues later down the line were not unlikely - as is quite understandably the nature with split families, exes and step children?

No guarantees either way. But certainly it is a risk that I see as fairly high and consequently would avoid at all costs.

Issues within a marriage are almost entirely foreseeable, yes. The nature and extent of those issues isn’t foreseeable. You can’t account for every scenario. I don’t see that it’s reasonable to suggest that being a step parent means you should anticipate taking the lions share of the care for those children and them effectively being abandoned by either parent and lumbered on the step parent.

There might be a whole host of issues that OP might reasonably be expected to tolerate being a step parent, in her role of supporting her DH. This isn’t one.

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:36

Sure

But this is a known risk from the outset ie the step children exist from day 1

It is a risk that is unpalatable to me. Hence i would never take. Akin to a man not great with money from the outset. The risk is that the issue whilst fine at the beginning hey much holds the possibility of going peer shaped.

Others, like the OP, was prepared to take on that very known risk and unfortunately the risk of upset and stress has become a reality

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:41

In terms of risk from the outset of a relationship for problems later down line i regard step children as similar to

a man currently in employment but his past has involved lots of movement and periods of unemployment

a man currently financially solvent but recovered gambling addict

a man currently abstaining from alcohol but admits to having a issue in the past

The possibility of problems later down the line to much of a likelihood for me to progress the relationship

funinthesun19 · 15/05/2022 08:44

If this was a marriage that didn’t involve stepchildren, not one poster would be telling the OP she should have known. It’s such a rude and unhelpful thing to say, that’s why. Life changes and people change.
But once people notice that stepchildren are in the mix, all common sense just flies out of the window.
OP isn’t a bad person for thinking about how much better her and her children’s lives would be. She’s only doing what many other women do when they want out.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 08:50

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:41

In terms of risk from the outset of a relationship for problems later down line i regard step children as similar to

a man currently in employment but his past has involved lots of movement and periods of unemployment

a man currently financially solvent but recovered gambling addict

a man currently abstaining from alcohol but admits to having a issue in the past

The possibility of problems later down the line to much of a likelihood for me to progress the relationship

I do get what you're saying here but I don't think any of those scenarios would warrant a "well you can hardly complain" outlook if things did go downhill.

And they're also quite clear and specific risks you can predict, whereas a lot of scenarios within step parenting (like the one OP is in) come from the left field and might not be predicted at all. So you might predict a difficult time with the ex and the children adjusting, but never suspect your partner was going to abdicate his responsibility and leave it all to you, for example.

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:55

Absolutely I agree

the “well you can’t complain” would no doubt look at someone writhing around with lung cancer and tut that they once smoked.

but for me, as a single parent, I am not would never be willing to take on a man with a known addiction, even if currently fine at the outset. And in the same vein, I would never be willing to take on a man with step children, even if currently fine.

The likelihood of issues later down line too high for me to risk. And more importantly, I would never subject my children to the risk.

LidlMissSunshine · 15/05/2022 08:58

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:55

Absolutely I agree

the “well you can’t complain” would no doubt look at someone writhing around with lung cancer and tut that they once smoked.

but for me, as a single parent, I am not would never be willing to take on a man with a known addiction, even if currently fine at the outset. And in the same vein, I would never be willing to take on a man with step children, even if currently fine.

The likelihood of issues later down line too high for me to risk. And more importantly, I would never subject my children to the risk.

So everyone should be like you?

but you’re a single parent. Did you not see that coming or did you decide to go it alone from the outset?

HotDogKetchup · 15/05/2022 08:59

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:55

Absolutely I agree

the “well you can’t complain” would no doubt look at someone writhing around with lung cancer and tut that they once smoked.

but for me, as a single parent, I am not would never be willing to take on a man with a known addiction, even if currently fine at the outset. And in the same vein, I would never be willing to take on a man with step children, even if currently fine.

The likelihood of issues later down line too high for me to risk. And more importantly, I would never subject my children to the risk.

Arguably you shouldn’t have entered into a relationship and had children knowing there was a risk that relationship would breakdown?

warofthemonstertrucks · 15/05/2022 09:01

This thread is nutty in places. My first marriage ended. I'd been with my then H since we were 18. We got married relatively young (24) and had kids quickly. On paper that probably wasn't advisable but at the time it felt the right thing to do and we were happy and solvent so we did it. I suppose I should have considered every possible scenario and predicted what would happen to change and eventually end our marriage?
I'm now part of a blended family. Did we talk about and consider potential issues before we all moved in together? Yes. Were we able to Predict outside factors that might and have affected dynamics and stresses within the house? No of course not.
Are we generally happy? Yes we are...more so than some of the traditional families I know of, and less so than some probably. It's not all plain sailing whatever your set up surely? But to say to the op ' you should have known' is ridiculous. No one can know what's going to happen or how people will change as they age/stuff happens to them.

lemongreentea · 15/05/2022 09:05

notagamer · 15/05/2022 08:41

In terms of risk from the outset of a relationship for problems later down line i regard step children as similar to

a man currently in employment but his past has involved lots of movement and periods of unemployment

a man currently financially solvent but recovered gambling addict

a man currently abstaining from alcohol but admits to having a issue in the past

The possibility of problems later down the line to much of a likelihood for me to progress the relationship

This is a great post and shoild be taught as part of a national scheme of 'how to not attract a wrongun'. They say the best predictor of someones future behaviour is their past behaviour.

Which is why I would never ever date anyone with children If dh dies or we divorce I will stay single until the dc are independent adults and even then only try to meet someone who is childless.

notagamer · 15/05/2022 09:06

HotDogKetchup · 15/05/2022 08:59

Arguably you shouldn’t have entered into a relationship and had children knowing there was a risk that relationship would breakdown?

Show quote history

Precisely why I’m not engaging in a relationship

but I realise that is extreme hence not raising in my previous point

notagamer · 15/05/2022 09:06

So everyone should be like you?

Perish the thought!!!

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 09:10

Which is why I would never ever date anyone with children If dh dies or we divorce I will stay single until the dc are independent adults and even then only try to meet someone who is childless.

But you have children. Would you have unreasonable expectations of your hypothetical partner regarding them and put them in a position such as OP's?

notagamer · 15/05/2022 09:11

@lemongreentea

i also add.

a man not currently cheating but who had an affair in the past.

notagamer · 15/05/2022 09:12

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 09:10

Which is why I would never ever date anyone with children If dh dies or we divorce I will stay single until the dc are independent adults and even then only try to meet someone who is childless.

But you have children. Would you have unreasonable expectations of your hypothetical partner regarding them and put them in a position such as OP's?

sorry I don’t understand the question. Could you rephrase please

lemongreentea · 15/05/2022 09:14

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 09:10

Which is why I would never ever date anyone with children If dh dies or we divorce I will stay single until the dc are independent adults and even then only try to meet someone who is childless.

But you have children. Would you have unreasonable expectations of your hypothetical partner regarding them and put them in a position such as OP's?

Well no, as my real children would be independent adults in this hypothetical scenerio. So no position to put my hypothetical future partner into.

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 09:14

sorry I don’t understand the question. Could you rephrase please

It was directed at @Lemongreentea

She said that people with kids are best avoided but she herself has kids. So I can't help but wonder if it follows that she would treat her partner's unreasonably due to having kids.

SwollenOuch · 15/05/2022 09:14

Akin to a man not great with money from the outset

from the outset being the important part.

If a man initially seems like a good father and then proceeds to change over the course of a marriage and starts to leave all of the childcare to you, how is that the same?

It's comparable to a man initially being good with money at the outset and then becoming a gambling addict later in life. Who would blame the wife in that scenario? No one on here I imagine.

It's a stupid thing to say and anyone who says it deserves their intelligence questioned.

Jedsnewstar · 15/05/2022 09:17

YABU and knew what you were in for.
His children are better off without you, so maybe you could do you all a favour ...

What a twatty post.

She expected her DH to take no responsibility for HIS children and leave all the parenting to the new female in his life?

No probably not. It probably creeped in a little at a time until op found herself knee deep.

Also didn’t you see the WFH bit? So both working but only one expected to also babysit and clean the house. Op is exhausted.

SwollenOuch · 15/05/2022 09:19

Just because you're happy to accept being a step parent (i.e. at the outset of a relationship when a man seems like a good father) doesn't mean you need to be happy with every single possible scenario ever in the universe involving step children. It's a ridiculous suggestion.

It's not like dating an ex gambling addict because having children isn't inherently bad. It's not necessarily a bad trait or an automatic red flag providing the person appears to be a good parent at the outset.

I don't see why it's not viewed as any other marriage where one spouse changes and then moves the goalposts or begins to behave wrongly i.e. has an affair, becomes a gambling addict, alcohol issues or whatever... None of which anyone else is expected to forsee. All of which are possible in a relationship, none of which anyone blames the other person for.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 15/05/2022 09:22

The laughable thing is if I'd posted as if all the children were biologically mine and my husband was leaving everything to me, I'd not have received any replies telling me I knew what I was in for when I had kids with him or I should have known or no one has any sympathy for me because it's my fault.

Or the funniest one being I should have just assumed all men are like that.

OP posts:
notagamer · 15/05/2022 09:25

aSofaNearYou · 15/05/2022 09:14

sorry I don’t understand the question. Could you rephrase please

It was directed at @Lemongreentea

She said that people with kids are best avoided but she herself has kids. So I can't help but wonder if it follows that she would treat her partner's unreasonably due to having kids.

I would absolutely be a short step mother and always put my children first and prioritise over any and every SC

another big factor in why I never would. Very unfair on any hypothetical SC!