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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fantasise about not being with my husband and his children

313 replies

YoyosToe · 13/05/2022 19:57

Is this normal or is it a really bad sign?

I find myself daydreaming quite often about how it would be just me and our DC and sometimes I even desperately wish that were the case.

My husband and DSC have gone out tonight so it's just been me and our DC. I've put them to bed and just sat down and the house is so lovely and quiet and I can just be by myself and to be totally honest I'm dreading them coming home.

I find step parenting difficult to enjoy and it would be huge weight lifted off me not to have to do it anymore.

I do love my husband, which is why it's so weird to say this (or type this) out loud and most of the time we get on really well, have a laugh, care for each other etc.. but I just long for a less hectic life sometimes. The house just feels busy and noisy all the time.

Just to add I don't mean to say single parenting is easy, I just mean I long to have to think and consider less people (i.e. just me and my children)! If that makes sense at all.

OP posts:
notagamer · 14/05/2022 10:28

YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 10:10

So it sounds like they’re both doing a fair share of the parenting?

Hahahaha.

No she is useless. She met someone and decided she couldn't be arsed with her kids anymore, I won't go into the whole sorry saga but she is. She's sees them but barely at all. They can go weeks without seeing her because she made it clear they aren't her priority anymore. She's always away or busy or has plans or 'having a life' as she likes to say.

Shit
i feel for these children

and how do your children get on with each other?

Sorry i missed - are your children with him?

notagamer · 14/05/2022 10:31

How old are al the children involved

CotswoldWoolly · 14/05/2022 10:31

I love my DSC, and have a really good relationship with them both, but my god, it’s hard work. Much, much harder than parenting your own children.
OP, agree with others that your DH needs to step up here. A lot. It makes a massive difference.
This doesn’t sound like a happy situation for anyone (except perhaps your DH).

KettrickenSmiled · 14/05/2022 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you suffering an unusually virulent hangover this morning, or are you usually this consumed with hatred?

Who will look after these DC if OP does your bidding & leaves them,@mycatisannoying?
Their absent mother? Their ManJob father?

OP's the one parent out of the 3 of them that is actually caring for the DC, so I'm not sure where your misplaced anger is coming from.
How is it that YOU allow yourself strong feelings about a situation that doesn't affect you one jot, but OP - who is doing all the work - isn't allowed to express a single negative emotion?

PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 10:36

KettrickenSmiled · 14/05/2022 10:34

Are you suffering an unusually virulent hangover this morning, or are you usually this consumed with hatred?

Who will look after these DC if OP does your bidding & leaves them,@mycatisannoying?
Their absent mother? Their ManJob father?

OP's the one parent out of the 3 of them that is actually caring for the DC, so I'm not sure where your misplaced anger is coming from.
How is it that YOU allow yourself strong feelings about a situation that doesn't affect you one jot, but OP - who is doing all the work - isn't allowed to express a single negative emotion?

Show quote history

He will step up when there is no one around to look after them or he will find another woman

HeckyPeck · 14/05/2022 10:37

PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 10:15

I have to admit I just don’t get threads like this, I know I will never be a step mum , I don’t want to be one ever so I choose never to date anyone with kids. Whether that means being alone forever so be it but I will never love anyone else’s children like my own or even close, mine will always be first and I also don’t want anyone else’s children in my house. There is always a possibility that things can change and he could end up the RP I think you was very naive to think that wasn’t a possibility

I am a step parent. If my stepchild ended up here full time, my DH would be the one doing all the childcare etc. He wouldn't dump it all in me because he's not an arse.

Should we all plan our lives expecting our partners to become arseholes? Or is that just step parents?

OP, I would have a serious talk with your DH and ignore comments about you not liking his children. It is untrue and irrelevant. Also don't get made to feel guilty if he feels bad. You're feeling bad about being dumped with his responsibilities and he doesn't care about that. I would tell him that unless he stepped up and started parenting, you will leave and then he'll have no choice but to parent them anyway.

If he says he can't/won't do it, I'd be asking him if he doesn't like his own kids?

RitaFaircloughsWig · 14/05/2022 10:39

SerenaVanDerWoodsenNY · 13/05/2022 23:57

Didn't you knew he has a kid before marrying him? Why did you married him if you can't love his daughter?? I'm always confused about step parents who complain that the step kids exist!! HE-FUCKING-LLO.. You chose to marry him. You chose to be in that poor child's life

What do you mean by love?

godmum56 · 14/05/2022 10:40

I think this is also a wfh issue and one reason why the right to do it wasn'tenshrined in law. Because it IS working and doesn't mean its a given that its possible to do childcare too. I think you need to talk to your partner about a rebalance.

PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 10:43

HeckyPeck · 14/05/2022 10:37

I am a step parent. If my stepchild ended up here full time, my DH would be the one doing all the childcare etc. He wouldn't dump it all in me because he's not an arse.

Should we all plan our lives expecting our partners to become arseholes? Or is that just step parents?

OP, I would have a serious talk with your DH and ignore comments about you not liking his children. It is untrue and irrelevant. Also don't get made to feel guilty if he feels bad. You're feeling bad about being dumped with his responsibilities and he doesn't care about that. I would tell him that unless he stepped up and started parenting, you will leave and then he'll have no choice but to parent them anyway.

If he says he can't/won't do it, I'd be asking him if he doesn't like his own kids?

Show quote history

Regardless of RP or NRP I would never date someone with kids but yes realistically if you do you have to accept it’s a possibility that things could change. I don’t have to be a step parent to know I never want to be one, my idea of hell!

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2022 10:44

PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 10:15

I have to admit I just don’t get threads like this, I know I will never be a step mum , I don’t want to be one ever so I choose never to date anyone with kids. Whether that means being alone forever so be it but I will never love anyone else’s children like my own or even close, mine will always be first and I also don’t want anyone else’s children in my house. There is always a possibility that things can change and he could end up the RP I think you was very naive to think that wasn’t a possibility

You don't get it because you don't realise that actually being a step parent can work without loving someone else's children like their own.

And yes it is possible that he could end up being the RP but honestly, in my case that is really only going to happen if his mother dies. Which is not all that likely, is it. I don't think many people are being "naive" by not assuming a parent is likely to die while their child is still of dependent age. Yes that happens but it isn't common.

DodgyKneesCyril · 14/05/2022 10:45

You sound amazing OP. I never get the "well didn't you think of ALL the options that could have happened before you married your DH?" posts. It is like saying to someone who has lost their job and home "well why take on a mortgage/rent before considering you MAY lose your job/become ill/ etc" Hmm we make choices as things stand usually. Yes, we look to what could happen obvs, but reality is different from our imagination.

You and DH need a serious chat, and if he flounces off and hides behind "you don't like my DC" then he needs to grow up and stop using it as a smoke screen.

You and your DC need a break away, just you all. Nothing wrong with that. It will give you something to aim at and precious time with just them.

Need2P · 14/05/2022 10:47

I would take some time to myself when dh not working. If you can mind all the kids yourself, he should as well so he realises how exhausting it is. Book a day spa somewhere and enjoy some peace.

Manekinek0 · 14/05/2022 10:47

YANBU I can't imagine that you knew that one day you would end up taking on so much childcare. You need to get you DH to step up so you can have a break. Those children don't need another adult who sees them as a burden. Hopefully with more balance you can enjoy spending time with them.

PumpkinsandKittens · 14/05/2022 10:52

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2022 10:44

You don't get it because you don't realise that actually being a step parent can work without loving someone else's children like their own.

And yes it is possible that he could end up being the RP but honestly, in my case that is really only going to happen if his mother dies. Which is not all that likely, is it. I don't think many people are being "naive" by not assuming a parent is likely to die while their child is still of dependent age. Yes that happens but it isn't common.

Show quote history

Of course it can but there is an expectation to love them like your own and I see many claiming they do. Even 50/50 or eow would be too much for me. So maybe if she didn’t die it could go to 50/50 but mum is always expected to be RP and just get on with it but heaven forbid a dad ever being the RP!

venusandmars · 14/05/2022 10:58

@YoyosToe if talking to your d?h (not sure he's that 'd' if he clearly doesn't think about the impact on you) about the situation doesn't work, then can you take some more practical steps? Behave in a more assertive way.

As you said previously make arrangements to take your dc away - for a day, for a night, to see your dp or your family. Can you carve out your own space and time - learn something new, take up a hobby, develop commitments that take you out of the house and unavailable. You don't need to 'ask' for permission, you just need to have an adult conversation. Why does your dh get to swan off to work, without prior discussion? You need to be more assertive about that.

Tryhard40 · 14/05/2022 11:07

This morning he's gone off to work and left all the kids with me. Didn't even ask, just decided he had some stuff to do at work so off he went.

Oh no no....I wouldn't be putting up with this at all. You have a DH problem my dear. I would be thinking divorce too, he sounds like a selfish arse.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/05/2022 11:09

I find it hard to understand why you can't muster up some affection or sense of duty and care to your own DC's siblings without resentment but I'm in a minority here clearly.

@THisbackwithavengeance I find it hard to understand how you can have read OP's posts & arrived at the misjudged conclusion that OP has no affection for or duty for her SDC. She clearly does - she's their primary caregiver for goodness sake.

It's possible to feel affection & love AND be knackered by having all the load unquestioningly fall to you. Especially if you are not allowed to discuss the unfair workload with the parent who feels so entitled to your bottomless support that he swans off out of the house without so much as asking if you'll be around to suck up the childcare, as usual.

BananaBlue · 14/05/2022 11:11

Was he more hands on when it was just your DC at home?

If not, isn't just him feeling he can opt out of parenting?

solutions - well he has to want to make changes for the benefit of his marriage, burden on his wife, children and the well being of his family as a whole.

If he doesn’t want to take on the responsibility then that tells you he doesn’t care about any of you - he’s selfish.

I don’t I know why men have DC then don’t want to care for them.

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 11:11

aSofaNearYou · 14/05/2022 08:48

I expect it to be hard for their dad. I don't expect to be massively involved in the hardship.

Show quote history

@aSofaNearYou

That’s highly unrealistic and not a good attitude to take into blended families.

Watermill · 14/05/2022 11:12

Honestly OP I would leave.

Your DH refusal to deal with your concerns is a clear sign he has no intention of changing his behaviour. Why would he?

I would start making serious plans to leave. In the meantime, I bet if you dare suggest you are going anywhere with just your DC for a few days, leaving DH to parent his own DC, you are met with a barrage of nastiness.

Original poster
YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 11:13

I bet if you dare suggest you are going anywhere with just your DC for a few days, leaving DH to parent his own DC, you are met with a barrage of nastiness

I'm sure I'll be told how horribly unfair it is to leave DSC behind yes.

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 14/05/2022 11:15

@Tamzo85 I cannot think of any healthy family dynamic where you leave your spouse to solely deal with a hardship tbh.

Even in this case, it sounds like the OP DH is leaving her to deal with a hardship when they should be working as a team, that’s not healthy.

Devotedcatslave · 14/05/2022 11:17

I think you need to accept OP that as a step parent whatever you do will be wrong to some on here!

However I think realistically it is time to start issuing ultimatums to your DH. He needs to step up and start parenting his own DC, or you will leave and he will have to do it without you. It doesn't sound like the current situation is sustainable. You deserve to be considered just as much as the rest of the family and if he can't see that you are only going to be miserable if you stay.

Tamzo85 · 14/05/2022 11:19

YoyosToe · 14/05/2022 08:49

But surely you SHOULD be able to expect your husband to take on an even load? In ANY marriage, whether it involves step children or not?

Or am I not even allowed to expect that either?

Show quote history

@YoyosToe
That would be more than a little naive I’m afraid.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 14/05/2022 11:22

That would be more than a little naive I’m afraid.

Is every woman who expects her husband to take on an even load within the marriage naive, or just stepmums?