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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy with this

162 replies

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:12

Ok, so I am not married and have 2 children, my partner is a wonderful dad and I am really really happy, we have been together since we were 18 and I would trust him with my life. I have had a lot of mental health issues over the years and lacked stability hence why he has never asked me to marry him. I am in a much better place now mentally and am very happy and our relationship is at its best.

I work 3 days per week WFH, one of the days I don’t even feel like I’m working at all and I get to be with the kids as one of the days is a weekend. I earn about £1000 pm and could up my hours if I needed to. My partner has a great job and earns about 80k, we are ok financially but I think when the kids start school I want to maybe go full time or look for something else? Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week, is work life balance more important than money?

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 13/05/2022 19:18

Mate, you are living the dream. I am very similar in my circumstances. Everyone will tell you that without marriage, you are vulnerable. But they don't know your DP.

100% work life balance is more important if you can afford it. Even in secondary school, kids still generate a lot of admin and work. Enjoy your life.

BattenburgDonkey · 13/05/2022 19:21

I don’t really understand your question, do you want to find more work or do you just feel like you should for money? With a household income of 92k a year it really doesn’t sound like you need the money. If you want to be full time then that’s great and will give you more financial security as you aren’t married, but if you want to stick with what you have for work life balance that sounds great too really, as you can afford it.

Mally100 · 13/05/2022 19:27

Yabu, you are being very naive here. You are in a vulnerable position being a sahm and on a very low income. Have a look at the relationship boards and see how many people thought the same as you and were left in a horrible position.

Blossomtoes · 13/05/2022 19:29

Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week

It’s the equivalent of £20k a year full time. It depends what you do but it’s a pretty low salary.

is work life balance more important than money?

It is if you’ve got enough money coming in. It’s a luxury if you’re struggling.

I hope you stay well, it’s great that you’re in such a good place now. Do consider marriage, it’s the protection you need when your salaries are so disparate.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:30

We don’t need the money no. I work for my sanity and something to fall back on as I know I’ll be vulnerable if I quit my job. I don’t actually know what my questions is…although I enjoy the job it’s not really my dream job, however I know for sure I won’t get the flexibility I have currently with any other job…I guess my question is exactly that..would you be ok with it just for the the time it gives you with your family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:31

@Mally100 I’m not a SAHM mum I work?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:33

@Mally100 so how do I make myself not vulnerable?

OP posts:
bringon2020 · 13/05/2022 19:36

Yes, it would be ok. If you were married. Without marriage you're just a person on a low wage.

SmileyClare · 13/05/2022 19:37

Agree with others, the main issue is your financial stability. You have no legal rights to any of your partner's money or assets should he leave or die.

Your actual set up sounds lovely; I imagine you're doing the bulk of childcare, housework and life admin as well as working PT so that is a fair division of labour between you and your partner.

The time to think about your dream job and or retraining is when the dc are older and more independent?

Mally100 · 13/05/2022 19:38

You said you are not married. You have a lower income with potential to earn more, but you are weighing it up against family/life balance. Your dp could turn around one day and leave. Hate to be so blunt but I've seen so many threads here where women were in your position.

Neu · 13/05/2022 19:41

Why would your mental health issues prevent him from wanting to marry you?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:41

Ok so what do I do about it?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 13/05/2022 19:41

You say you're happy. That's incredibly important.
Do you have savings?

I don't think your income is as relevant as your ability to support yourself.

Is your home mortgaged or rented?

Wolfiefan · 13/05/2022 19:43

Totally up to you how much you work. But I don’t see how having MH issues means he wouldn’t marry you. You’re relying on him to always be around. Hope he will be but it’s not a given.

SmileyClare · 13/05/2022 19:43

Mental health issues, and I lacked stability hence why he hasn't asked me to marry him

It isn't clear what you mean. He didn't want to marry you or he thought you couldn't cope with planning a wedding because of unstable moods?

A wedding can be very short and straightforward in a registry office and will provide legal protection for you if something happens to your dp or your relationship.

Threetulips · 13/05/2022 19:44

Be blunt and ask him what the problem is with marrying you.

SmileyClare · 13/05/2022 19:45

Buy a ring and ask him?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:45

@Neu I made life very difficult for him. I have OCD and it has been horrific in the past. I am now on the right medication.

I need to find a way of making myself not vulnerable. I think we will get married eventually but Even if we do, I would still feel the same I think

OP posts:
ChiselandBits · 13/05/2022 19:45

If you were stable enough to have kids with surely you are stable enough to marry ?? Don't understand that really. Who owns the house? Whose name are all the bills / cards / debts in? You are vulnerable because if you did split up, he would only owe you CMS, IF everything is in his name. If you marry, regardless of who pays the mortgage month to month you would have a claim on a % of the house. It sounds like a lovely set up, but take 5 mins on the relationship board and you'll find loads of women (including me) who thought they were rock solid and then had the rug pulled out from under them.

Wolfiefan · 13/05/2022 19:47

And if it were (I truly hope it won’t be) horrific again could he leave? Where would that put you?

AverageJoan · 13/05/2022 19:47

Everyone saying this is a low salary are being ridiculous. £1000pm is the equivalent to £20k a year full time AFTER tax and other outgoings.

Also I don't prescribe to the mumsnet narrative that you should be married or else you are vulnerable, it's possible to be happy and trust someone without being married.

Op I think you're living the dream, I wish I could have that kind of work life balance and if you're happy it doesn't matter what other people think!

Mally100 · 13/05/2022 19:47

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:41

Ok so what do I do about it?

Get married.

Op being very frank with you. You have MH issues that make working difficult for you. No doubt these issues impact him. He is currently carrying the financial responsibility. Should there be a time where he doesn't want to support your mh anymore or for any reason, you stand to lose. Don't be naive, don't end up in a bad situation one day.

bringon2020 · 13/05/2022 19:48

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:41

Ok so what do I do about it?

You talk to him and explain everything people said in this thread. If he still doesn't want to get married (no party needed, just signing the papers) then you may wonder if he really have your best interests in mind. Hopefully he will understand. Marriage is a contract, a very important one for people who sacrifice their earning potential for the family.

MissAmbrosia · 13/05/2022 19:48

Do you have a joint mortgage? Do you have equal access to household money? I would definitely look to get married if you have kids.

Mally100 · 13/05/2022 19:48

Wolfiefan · 13/05/2022 19:47

And if it were (I truly hope it won’t be) horrific again could he leave? Where would that put you?

Exactly the point I'm trying to make. You are in a very vulnerable position, more so if you have a possible relapse.