Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy with this

162 replies

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:12

Ok, so I am not married and have 2 children, my partner is a wonderful dad and I am really really happy, we have been together since we were 18 and I would trust him with my life. I have had a lot of mental health issues over the years and lacked stability hence why he has never asked me to marry him. I am in a much better place now mentally and am very happy and our relationship is at its best.

I work 3 days per week WFH, one of the days I don’t even feel like I’m working at all and I get to be with the kids as one of the days is a weekend. I earn about £1000 pm and could up my hours if I needed to. My partner has a great job and earns about 80k, we are ok financially but I think when the kids start school I want to maybe go full time or look for something else? Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week, is work life balance more important than money?

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 13/05/2022 19:49

Perhaps I've misunderstood the bit about him not wanting to marry you because of your mental health issues? So, even as the mother of his children, he doesn't want to give you any security for the future? If he really cared about someone with MH issues then he'd want to keep them safe. Sorry, but I wouldn't be fretting about my job, I'd be fretting about how I'd manage if he walked and left me stranded with no home!

AMegaPint · 13/05/2022 19:50

You might be happy but is he? He holds more power in this relationship due to his higher income.

Bluevelvetsofa · 13/05/2022 19:53

Until and unless the law is changed to reflect those couples living together unmarried, you are, as everyone has said, vulnerable. I hope your property is in joint names at the very least. I think you need to have a discussion about marriage and if he’s not keen, you need to do some rapid financial planning.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:56

No I made the relationship unstable, I would constantly break up with him etc and he says he can’t be bothered with me threatening to divorce him, I completely understand his reasoning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:58

I’m fretting about my job for this exact reason, if he left I want to manage financially by myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:59

I’ve posted this because I don’t want to be left vulnerable, how do I make that happen without marriage? He has no assets? Joint mortgage

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:02

We had a brief split when my first child was born…he paid me quite a bit of money every month, I don’t doubt he would do the same if we split in the future. He is a nice guy, I’m not being naive or else I wouldn’t just assume everything will be ok? I’m here for advice

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 13/05/2022 20:02

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:56

No I made the relationship unstable, I would constantly break up with him etc and he says he can’t be bothered with me threatening to divorce him, I completely understand his reasoning.

But if you're better now this isn't an excuse. He had children with you but he won't marry you? Does he realise a divorce would mean you don't need contact but children means you will?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:11

It’s ok telling me I’m vulnerable but your not telling me what to do about it, without getting married

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 13/05/2022 20:16

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:11

It’s ok telling me I’m vulnerable but your not telling me what to do about it, without getting married

That’s because the best and easiest way to protect yourself is to get married. Where would you be if he walked under a bus?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:17

I’m ok with not being married at the min, it’s hard to explain the circumstances but he has very understandable reasons for mr and I don’t think we’re ready. Recently our relationship has been better than ever and I’m really enjoying it, I’m just enjoying not being completely ruined by OCD for now

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:18

Half the house and I’m next of kin on life insurance, I wouldn’t get hid wages anyway

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/05/2022 20:22

So he didn't mind having kids with you despite your MH issues, but you're not good enough to marry?

He doesn't sound so great to me.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/05/2022 20:22

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:11

It’s ok telling me I’m vulnerable but your not telling me what to do about it, without getting married

Marriage is the best form of protection for you. Nothing else beats it in your position - you are so, so vulnerable.

Bluevelvetsofa · 13/05/2022 20:23

But you’re asking what you can/ should do to fix it and it’s apparent you have concerns, or you wouldn’t have posted in the first place. What you can do if you aren’t going to be married, is to start saving your own money in a separate account, just in case.

noborisno · 13/05/2022 20:27

Of course work/life balance is more important than money. What's the money for if you can't enjoy your life?

noborisno · 13/05/2022 20:29

Mally100 · 13/05/2022 19:27

Yabu, you are being very naive here. You are in a vulnerable position being a sahm and on a very low income. Have a look at the relationship boards and see how many people thought the same as you and were left in a horrible position.

How? She's not on a very low income. A grand a month is low but not "very low" and for three days?

She can probably re-enter the workforce at the drop of a hat if necessary or generate more work.

You're only vulnerable if if your partner walks out you would have to be on the streets, and that's not likely if you have a work history.

noborisno · 13/05/2022 20:30

Blossomtoes · 13/05/2022 19:29

Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week

It’s the equivalent of £20k a year full time. It depends what you do but it’s a pretty low salary.

is work life balance more important than money?

It is if you’ve got enough money coming in. It’s a luxury if you’re struggling.

I hope you stay well, it’s great that you’re in such a good place now. Do consider marriage, it’s the protection you need when your salaries are so disparate.

What protection does marriage provide exactly?

Things aren't split down the middle in divorce automatically are they?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:32

What would I be entitled to if we got divorced rather than just separate? What did a PP mean with regards to access to the kids?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/05/2022 20:33

Marriage doesn't just protect you in the case of divorce, it also protects you in the event your partner dies suddenly.

You get access to widows benefits etc. if you're married.

Shelby2010 · 13/05/2022 20:34

I think it depends on how much your mental health would be impacted by you having a more demanding job. Working full time in a stressful role could be too much for you. It also depends on what kind of work you are qualified for. Maybe now would be a good time for training for a higher paid role?

Is this something you could talk to your DP about - not in terms of possibly splitting up - but as part of your long term plans as a couple.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:34

my take home is actually £1100but that bit goes on childcare vouchers

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:36

If he dies suddenly he wouldn’t have time to alter his life insurance s f that would go to me?

OP posts:
Zemw · 13/05/2022 20:37

Best way to protect yourself besides marriage is to start full time work and work yourself up to a better income.

Fwiw 19 year ago I was earning £1,300 for 18 hours a week work.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 20:37

I was thinking of doing a nursing degree but that pay isn’t much more if it?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread