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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy with this

162 replies

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:12

Ok, so I am not married and have 2 children, my partner is a wonderful dad and I am really really happy, we have been together since we were 18 and I would trust him with my life. I have had a lot of mental health issues over the years and lacked stability hence why he has never asked me to marry him. I am in a much better place now mentally and am very happy and our relationship is at its best.

I work 3 days per week WFH, one of the days I don’t even feel like I’m working at all and I get to be with the kids as one of the days is a weekend. I earn about £1000 pm and could up my hours if I needed to. My partner has a great job and earns about 80k, we are ok financially but I think when the kids start school I want to maybe go full time or look for something else? Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week, is work life balance more important than money?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 08:39

If he is the sort of person to do that I won’t want nothing from him anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 08:54

I honestly don’t think he is the sort of person to leave me high and dry, he cares too much about the kids…surely these people do exist? I would do the same if it was the other way round. Surely he knows he has no parental rights to the kids if we broke up because we’re not married?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 08:56

I could be a dick to him with regards to the kids, I wouldn’t, but it’s the risk you take.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/05/2022 08:56

Of course he has parental rights if you separate. Marriage has nothing to do with that.

Sirius3030 · 14/05/2022 08:57

Mally100 · 13/05/2022 19:27

Yabu, you are being very naive here. You are in a vulnerable position being a sahm and on a very low income. Have a look at the relationship boards and see how many people thought the same as you and were left in a horrible position.

But the many people who lived happily ever after don’t write posts here!

Mally100 · 14/05/2022 09:09

Surely he knows he has no parental rights to the kids if we broke up because we’re not married?

Op you really are naive.

SmileyClare · 14/05/2022 09:09

Louise0701 · 13/05/2022 23:04

@SmileyClare the 92 was combined so her husband earns 80 and we don’t know if that’s net or gross which would obviously make a difference.
mortgage costs and childcare costs will also have an impact on what kind of lifestyle they have. They could be absolutely skint at the end of the month if they have cars on finance and a large mortgage.
80 gross is only 4200 ish a month to support a family of 4 with a mortgage and god knows what other outgoings. I’m assuming they have a lot if he has no assets.

I doubt Op would state her take home pay as 1k a month and then state her partner's salary as the gross figure.

My point was, anyone earning 80k is very comfortably in the top 5% of earners in the UK. Not sure why you're trying to insinuate they're "skint" every month.
Clearly we interpret the word "skint" very differently. Grin

Op you have a very comfortable privileged lifestyle. Enjoy it. A lot of people can only dream of having the time and funds to retrain for a new career, that's a luxury you have.
Yes it's sensible to plan for something terrible happening in the future but I don't think it requires this level of angst and self flagellation.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 09:22

What if I died tomorrow? How would the kids cope emotionally without me?

there are so many what ifs? I can’t live my life like that.

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 09:36

@SmileyClare I didn’t once insinuate they’re skint. I said they could be, dependant on their other outgoings. Skint is having no disposable income; no money to spend. Which could be their situation.

Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 09:36

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 09:22

What if I died tomorrow? How would the kids cope emotionally without me?

there are so many what ifs? I can’t live my life like that.

This goes for any children who loose a mother, regardless of their financial or marital status.

SmileyClare · 14/05/2022 09:42

Op you're not unreasonable to feel happy with your life in its current set up.

You wanted to know how you could be more financial secure in the event of separating.

Posters have advised you. I'm not sure why you're being so defensive.

People have also pointed out that bad things can happen unexpectedly; illness, accident, death. They're not nice scenarios to think about but should be included in a discussion on financial security.

It feels like this thread is going in circles! When the kids are in bed and you have a quiet moment why not discuss your worries with dp? I think you're just craving reassurance.
Obviously no one can totally reassure you that everything will be just fine and happy ever after if that's what you want.

Right now, don't feel guilty for feeling happy though. It sounds like you're in a good place mentally and have a great work life balance.

LockdownLisa · 14/05/2022 09:43

What if I died tomorrow? How would the kids cope emotionally without me?
Hmm, kind of getting a bit off topic here! That's exactly the same for all mothers, regardless of their marital or job status.

If you remain unmarried but stay together for the rest of your lives, great - you can carry on as you are, both of you financially comfortable with a fairly balanced work/life balance. You're young, can choose (or not) to retrain into a better paid job/career when your children are older.

If you split up, you're completely reliant on him doing the right thing by giving you half of his pension and doing his share of the childcare while you retrain. I'm sure he's a great man, but I think he's pretty unlikely to do both of these things.

Yes, life is full of risks but we need to understand what they are before we make a decision. Are you happy with the risks in your current situation? If you are, great. If you're not, you are in a position to do something about it.

miltonj · 14/05/2022 09:48

He may not leave you, but he could die suddenly (sorry I know it's a horrible thought). Any savings he has would not automatically be given to you and your children. If you're not going to marry, I'd get him to write a will explicitly stating that savings must go to you. Otherwise you're essentially raising his kids with no financial protection. Even if he's a good man, with good intentions, you're still vulnerable right now.

Yes you could raise your family on your wage alone but if you were to split (and people do, even when they are certain they won't) your life would be a lot more comfortable with what youd be entitled to if you were married.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 10:20

@SmileyClare were not skint. We have lots of disposable income.

yes I want to put myself in a better position, I’m going to retrain, just need to decide what to retrain in.

sorry for being defensive, it means a lot to me to get things right for the kids. I would really love to hear from people in this position and what they did to protect them selves if the worst happened. I’m not being naive Because I am completely aware and willing to change my situation?

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savoycabbage · 14/05/2022 10:43

Of course he has parental rights to his own kids. If it were the case that unmarried couples had no rights to see their own children then you wouldn't have rights to them either.

And no you couldn't 'be a dick to him' with regards to your children if he left you or you left him.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 10:48

I definitely could I see it all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:04

isn't That what that means?

To be happy with this
OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 14/05/2022 11:11

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 09:22

What if I died tomorrow? How would the kids cope emotionally without me?

there are so many what ifs? I can’t live my life like that.

Children will be heartbroken when their parents die regardless of their marital status - but marrying will give you and your children some extra financial protection that you can't access if you're legally single when he dies.

The last thing you want on top of losing your partner/DC's dad is to have financial worries and concerns too.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:15

And this

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:15

.

To be happy with this
OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:16

I KNOW my partner wouldn’t see myself and my kids in the street.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:18

I feel it is becoming more common not to be married, only 1 or 2 are our of our large group of friends? Both have jobs and would manage if the other left?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 14/05/2022 11:19

Agree with others that your set-up sounds really nice for now but you are vulnerable.

I also don't understand the anxiety about getting married now you already have children. If he's worried about you threatening to divorce him etc he should really have thought about this before you became pregnant. If you have the commitment of having children together and if you are a much lower earner you really need the financial protection of marriage.

The alternative of course would be that you step up the work and go FT so you raise your financial independence (at which point marriage becomes less necessary). But it sounds like you don't want to do that.

QuillBill · 14/05/2022 11:22

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:16

I KNOW my partner wouldn’t see myself and my kids in the street.

Great. You sounded quite worried last night so I'm pleased you feel better about it all now.

savoycabbage · 14/05/2022 11:24

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 10:48

I definitely could I see it all the time.

If he's on the birth certificate he has parental rights.