To be happy with this

[Sarahs901]

Ok, so I am not married and have 2 children, my partner is a wonderful dad and I am really really happy, we have been together since we were 18 and I would trust him with my life. I have had a lot of mental health issues over the years and lacked stability hence why he has never asked me to marry him. I am in a much better place now mentally and am very happy and our relationship is at its best.

I work 3 days per week WFH, one of the days I don’t even feel like I’m working at all and I get to be with the kids as one of the days is a weekend. I earn about £1000 pm and could up my hours if I needed to. My partner has a great job and earns about 80k, we are ok financially but I think when the kids start school I want to maybe go full time or look for something else? Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week, is work life balance more important than money?

There are benefits widows get that partners don’t. Some death in service work benefits don’t pay out without marriage.

I wouldn’t want to marry a man who would do that to me

I'm not talking about life insurance, I'm talking about government benefits that you can claim as a widowed parent.

You don't get those if you're not married as by law, you're single and not a widow.

But what would I be entitled to if we divorced?

You are in a very vulnerable position, but I don't think you realise it. If you were to split, you wouldn't be entitled to a single penny of the pension he has built up while you've been looking after your (joint) children. With his salary, this could be worth £100ks. If you were married, you would be entitled to a significant % of it, which would put you in a much better financial position when you retire. Do you really think it's fair that you could have a crap retirement while he wouldn't have to worry about money at all?

In your position, I would a) get married or b) train for a proper career/make a huge amount of effort to get promoted where you are now, even if that means you have to go FT. (BTW, nursing will pay a lot better than you get at the moment but it will be a real slog to get there with 2 DCs to care for.)

@LockdownLisa honestly where I am from people think I earn quite a bit for days, it would be pennies in somewhere like London though.

unsure what to train in?

Nobody can answer this clearly as it depends on your financial situation, debts, financial commitments etc.

But marriage will protect you in the event of his death. A friend of mine lost her partner very suddenly in an accident (they were engaged) - she had two small children and got nothing. It made a horrendous time in her life about 100x worse.

He doesn't have any assets

Pulling in 92 k a year and no assets? No savings, investments, bonds, other properties valuable items, accounts?
He's in the top 5% of earners in the UK.

Talk to him about the concerns you've raised here.

But your hourly rate is probably about £12ph, which is OK as a supplementary wage, but is only about £23k FTE - does that sound about right? I'm not trying to put you down (I earn a similar amount) but it's hardly going to give you a decent pension, especially PT 😕.

People on here going on like you can just force someone to marry you!

@Mangogogogo Ha ha, you're right! It's hardly in his best interests to get married so that's why the OP needs to increase her earning potential if she doesn't want to have a vastly reduced standard of living if they split up.

@LockdownLisa so I take it your married? How would you manage long term on your wage if you got divorced?

In the event of you separating (taking into account your wish to not marry) then you'd be o.k. Is that what you want to hear?

You'd be entitled to half the value of your family home which I guess is sizeable? You could move to a cheaper area, you have earning potential and he would pay maintenance for the dc.

Obviously, it won't be the lifestyle you're accustomed to on his 80k salary but you could get by.

In light of the fact that you've only just come out of a mental health crisis, I would hold fire on taking on more work or retraining right now. Just enjoy your serenity. Your thoughts seem a little all over the place

I would advise talking this through with dp and discussing how you could have more financial security.

If it's a joint mortgage then half the house if that's what you put when doing the deeds etc if he got up and left tomorrow you be entitled to around £500-£550 from universal credit a month plus 80percent I think it is childcare fees if kids are in nursery or the 30 hours of above 3 . You don't get anything towards the mortgage and rent wise if you earn above £565 I think it is you get less rent money. Maintenance doesn't affect this so you'd be on around £1500/£1600 a month plus child benefit which is £35 a week for two kids, plus any maintenance money from him. I'd keep working part time enjoy family life and extend hours if necessary in the future.

She would get half the house and she would get half her husband's pension for a start.

OP it's great that you are happy and things are stable now.

You could start by taking a look at some of these careers guidance skills tests etc

nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/pages/skills-assessment

Now could be a good time to do some courses and retrain. Are there any apprenticeships that your workplace offers? Some places do them at different levels, from NVQ to degree level.
There are other courses you can do that sometimes come up free or at low cost eg Learndirect, Open Uni do free online courses too. It's worth doing a few to see what interests you.

Nurse training will be a slog with young children and it's very stressful - both the training and the work. And not everyone does well on shift work.

I'd start with the careers service skills test. While things are good use this time to develop yourself and invest in your own life and development - hopefully you will have a long and happy continuing relationship with your partner but investing in your self is always a good thing.

Maybe I’m not better because now I can’t get it out of my head and want to do everything I can to protect my kids 😭 I feel a failure that I have put myself in this position

You're not a failure op. It's a huge achievement to have recovered from a mental health crisis, juggling a home , 2 children and a job.

There's no need to obsess about separating from your dp.. of course it would be shit if that happened to any mum with young children.

As already explained, you would manage as a single parent. Your situation would be improved with the legal protection of marriage that's all.

As you say, it's something you both think is on the cards in the future. Try to get this in perspective and don't catastrophise.

You are saying that you don't feel that you are ready to get married and that you are OK with not being married but on the other hand you want the protection it gives. You say you are happy in your relationship and that everything is good there. So why are you against getting married.

One of my friends had a registry office wedding practically in their lunch hour for similar reasons. Absolutely no hoo-haa. Nobody even needs to know apart from the witnesses and they don't t have to be people you know.

If you’ve struggled a bit with mental health then I wouldn’t push it if I didn’t need to (particularly a high pressure career and environment like nursing). That way you have some mental reserves and can build on a good routine and recognise triggers if that’s a thing for you. In terms of being more secure I would think about the following.

1. savings in your name to cover you for 6 months - if something did go wrong you’d have the slack to work things through.


2. your pension is something I would start thinking about. Even if you stay together for the rest of your lives unfortunate things can happen.


3. life insurance for him covering house with some extra and a will for you both prioritising eachother and the kids.

This is just about protection so if you did up your hours this is where I would be putting the extra. If you are wanting to focus on a career I would think about the level of pressure you want and the working environment that suits you.

Please help me get the worry into perspective

I'm in my early 50s and had my children a lot later than you (I presume). I had a fairly decent career in my 20s and 30s with a final salary pension which, together with my current (small) pension will give me an OK retirement income.

My share of the house (for which I put down the 50% deposit) would be enough to buy me a small house of my own. And as a PP mentioned, I'd get a significant chunk of DH's pension too. So while everything's great now, I get some comfort from knowing that if we did separate, I wouldn't be a pauper.

But honestly, please don't feel you're a failure. You're raising two (no doubt wonderful!) children, you've worked your way through MH issues, which can be very challenging, and maintained a long term relationship throughout all of that. You're ready for the next chapter of your life now.

Rationally, you're not likely to separate, and your partner isn't likely to drop dead.

I think you've had some great advice above with suggestions to achieve more financial stability.

Right now you're very fortunate and privileged to have two children, a family home and a loving long term partner who has supported you through out.

The most important thing is to continue protecting your mental health and taking small steps.

If he has no assets, what does he spend his money on? Who pays the bills? Do you pay equally towards the mortgage? Why are the childcare vouchers coming out of your much lower salary?

I guess the most important things to think about regarding reducing your vulnerability to a possible thankfully unlikely split/his untimely death is, in no particular order…

1 have access to your own bank account and credit card - a joint one could be emptied or frozen dependent on circumstances
2 have savings in your own name
3 have the correct ownership of your shared property on the land registry deeds (don’t know which that is sorry- joint tenants or tenants in common- someone else will know)
4 have life insurance in place for each of you benefitting the other
5 have your own income (you do) ideal
if it can be scaled up (which it can)
6 have your own private/employment pension and be certain also that your National insurance years are covered and correctly recorded
7 if you have a car perhaps try to own outright not on loans
8 think twice before sending kids to private school
9 childcare costs should come out if the joint pot not your income only
10 write wills together or mirror wills

I’m not an expert! but honestly do enjoy your little kids and family life, the above of life admin get it in place even on a drip feed basis, you already have some covered! Controversial opinion but marriage has pros and cons all family setups do.