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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy with this

162 replies

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:12

Ok, so I am not married and have 2 children, my partner is a wonderful dad and I am really really happy, we have been together since we were 18 and I would trust him with my life. I have had a lot of mental health issues over the years and lacked stability hence why he has never asked me to marry him. I am in a much better place now mentally and am very happy and our relationship is at its best.

I work 3 days per week WFH, one of the days I don’t even feel like I’m working at all and I get to be with the kids as one of the days is a weekend. I earn about £1000 pm and could up my hours if I needed to. My partner has a great job and earns about 80k, we are ok financially but I think when the kids start school I want to maybe go full time or look for something else? Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week, is work life balance more important than money?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:25

I could up my hours at any point? I don’t need to do that right now? I know that option is there at any point?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 14/05/2022 11:27

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:16

I KNOW my partner wouldn’t see myself and my kids in the street.

Unfortunately, thousands (if not millions) of other women have said the same thing and been completely wrong.

I'm not saying that to upset you, worry you or make you angry - but there are constant threads on here where people don't marry and end up in serious trouble upon separation.

My parents always taught me that marriage doesn't really matter until things go wrong, and I think that's generally pretty accurate.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:28

He would have more rights if we were married, luckily for him I’m not like that and neither is he? If we were married he could literally just take them. It’s awful how bitter situations can get, I hope I never get to that point.

im going to retrain anyway…anybody done this whilst working full time? Like I said I don’t want to quit to do nursing as that would leave me even more vulnerable

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:29

But if he ever treated me like that, I honestly wouldn’t want a penny from him. I would struggle and start again on my own I would get much more satisfaction from that I think.

OP posts:
YellowDots · 14/05/2022 11:37

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:29

But if he ever treated me like that, I honestly wouldn’t want a penny from him. I would struggle and start again on my own I would get much more satisfaction from that I think.

Then your worries that you had are over. Everything is awesome. 🥳

Phoebesgift · 14/05/2022 12:18

God you sound so naive and young! I think you should leave this thread for your own MH. Your issues with OCD aren't helping you react rationally to help and advice you've been given so far.

Blossomtoes · 14/05/2022 12:19

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:29

But if he ever treated me like that, I honestly wouldn’t want a penny from him. I would struggle and start again on my own I would get much more satisfaction from that I think.

It’s not about what you want if you have children. I had a fair amount of sympathy for you at the beginning of this thread, it diminishes every time you post. Women who sleepwalk into this kind of situation make me despair.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 12:48

If I could manage on my own I honestly don’t see the deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 13:26

if He did leave would I be entitled to anything from the government whilst I got in a better position? I’m working on that currently so I’m not using that as a go to. I would never want to rely on that if I could help it, however if the worst happened there is always ways?

OP posts:
LittleBrenda · 14/05/2022 13:35

Sure, you might be able to get a room in a hostel. But as you absolutely definitely know he would never leave you in a bad financial situation it's not relevant.

You would be able to apply for UC and you can get a loan from UC before it kicks in because it takes about a month. There is a 'entitled to' benefits calculator tool which you could use to see what if any benefits you could get.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 13:39

what do you mean get a room in a hostel?

OP posts:
LittleBrenda · 14/05/2022 13:40

You just asked what help you would get from the government.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 13:41

What happens if a couple are in a rented property and there is nothing to share?

OP posts:
AMBE123 · 14/05/2022 13:41

Sarah, Mumsnet can be great but it can be quite negative and triggering too.
A lot of people have pointed out the negative side of your situation and it is true, but I feel like their voices are the loudest ones.
You are only 31, even if life goes wrong you can pick yourself up and start over. I raised 2 kids alone and it was tough but I managed it. I didn't start a proper pension until mid 40's and in a public sector job, the pension is good (not great but good, and guaranteed) and as long as I work till 67 I'll be fine.

File all these comments away, go out and try to break the worry cycle - go for a walk, look at the colours, smell the smells and listen to the birds etc etc.
There are some good practical suggestions above, focus on these - ask your DP to put into your pension. Look at retraining etc, give yourself a break because your DC is only 18mths old and you have been through a tough time. I have a daughter and grandchild around your ages and I went through very tough times in my 20's, luckily for most of us life is long and there is enough time to make up for a few years of less great finances.
Carry out the practical steps because that is something you can do something about, but try to let go of the worry.

Hopefully it is sunny where you are - make a list of the things you are going to look at, then put it down and go out and enjoy the weather.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 13:42

But I would sell the house and take half of that and buy somewhere smaller surely? In the meantime stay with family maybe?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 14/05/2022 14:02

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 11:29

But if he ever treated me like that, I honestly wouldn’t want a penny from him. I would struggle and start again on my own I would get much more satisfaction from that I think.

It's not just about you though, it's about support for your children too.

But again, it's also not just about if he just leaves you. If he dies while married to you, you are entitled to widows' benefits - for you and your DC. It's really worth discussing with DP a plan for what happens if he becomes unwell and unable to work, or, heaven forbid, he passes away.

The protection of marriage doesn't really matter until it goes wrong.

User0610134049 · 14/05/2022 14:05

isnt anyone else curious about what type of wfh job it is that doesn’t feel like you’re working on a weekend day and you can spend time with your kids? I’m interested!
what type of work is it OP?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 14:07

How can I put it to him without sounding like I just want all his money?

OP posts:
QuillBill · 14/05/2022 14:07

This thread is madness.

You ask a question, people answer.
You are advised to marry.
You say you can't, you are in a good place but not ready to marry.
You feel worried. You ask for reassurance.
Posters try to reassure you.
You tell them it's all fine, your dp is a good person who will never leave you in financial difficulties.
Then you say 'but what if he does'
Posters give you more advice to answer this.
You tell them you can't live your life worrying about 'what ifs'
Everything is great, you don't have money problems.
But is you did would you get help from the government?
People answer.
You say 'but I'd sell the house, get half and live with my family in the meantime'

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 14:08

@User0610134049 im not going to say what do it just isn’t very busy on that particular day client wise. Although I make up for it the other 2 days

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 14/05/2022 14:08

I can't believe you have been paying 50/50 for everything. It should be a percentage of what you earn. Does he pay for childcare at all or do you pay all of that yourself.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 14:09

I’m just looking at all my options?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 14:10

Yes he pays 80% of the childcare

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 14/05/2022 14:11

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 14:07

How can I put it to him without sounding like I just want all his money?

If you love him, surely it's not an issue to raise the subject of protecting you and his children in the event of his death?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 14:32

Yes, I really don’t want him to think I want to get married so that I take everything he has if we get divorced..it’s really not the case but obviously he would benefit from getting married if I died too?

OP posts:
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