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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy with this

162 replies

Sarahs901 · 13/05/2022 19:12

Ok, so I am not married and have 2 children, my partner is a wonderful dad and I am really really happy, we have been together since we were 18 and I would trust him with my life. I have had a lot of mental health issues over the years and lacked stability hence why he has never asked me to marry him. I am in a much better place now mentally and am very happy and our relationship is at its best.

I work 3 days per week WFH, one of the days I don’t even feel like I’m working at all and I get to be with the kids as one of the days is a weekend. I earn about £1000 pm and could up my hours if I needed to. My partner has a great job and earns about 80k, we are ok financially but I think when the kids start school I want to maybe go full time or look for something else? Is £1000 pm ok money for 3 days per week, is work life balance more important than money?

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 13/05/2022 22:57

Don’t forget that EVERYONE is worse off after a divorce or separation, as 2 homes need to be financed, which is always going to cost more. So don’t judge what you could provide then against what you have now.

The most important thing you can provide for your children is a stable home and healthy, happy parents. This is what you are doing at the moment. All good.

As they get more independent, and eventually move out, you need to plan for yourself too. This means planning ahead for financial security & meaningful occupation - in practical terms a job/career that you enjoy & will brings in enough money. This might mean staying in your current role but increasing your hours, or it might mean retraining.

If your relationship is happy & stable then discuss this with your DP. And how this would affect the amount of housework DP would need to contribute etc. Having the possibility that DP may not always be around, is another factor to keep in the back of your mind when you make your plans.

However, don’t take the well meant advice on this thread the wrong way. It sounds like you have had a fight to get to where your are now. Enjoy your life, your DP & your DC. You deserve them.

Louise0701 · 13/05/2022 22:59

@AverageJoan she didn’t actually state those figures were gross or net.

@Sarahs901 you're on a low income and not married. What do you currently do with your days off? Is the mortgage / house in both names? Do you or your partner contribute into a pension for you?

Louise0701 · 13/05/2022 23:04

@SmileyClare the 92 was combined so her husband earns 80 and we don’t know if that’s net or gross which would obviously make a difference.
mortgage costs and childcare costs will also have an impact on what kind of lifestyle they have. They could be absolutely skint at the end of the month if they have cars on finance and a large mortgage.
80 gross is only 4200 ish a month to support a family of 4 with a mortgage and god knows what other outgoings. I’m assuming they have a lot if he has no assets.

Snoozer11 · 13/05/2022 23:36

If you're happy right now, with a home, a job, a partner you love and two children, then you are in a fantastic position.

Yes, it's financially more efficient for a couple to be married. But you have plenty of time for that. The world isn't going to stop turning tonight because you're unmarried.

Concentrate on your happiness and keep one eye on the future - whether this be working full time, changing careers or remaining where you are. Think about marriage but don't get married simply for tax reasons.

£1100pcm take home isn't a bad salary for a three day week.

If the worst were to happen, you'd cope regardless of your marital status.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 06:12

I think I would like to retrain but the career’s I think I would love are vocational degrees and would mean quitting my job…I don’t think that is wise? Any suggestions?

OP posts:
ChairCareOh · 14/05/2022 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 06:41

Yes house is 50/50 Im, I pay into my pension still yes…always have

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Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 06:45

Oh, and on my days off I take my 18 month old to playgroup/baby groups, I plan on returning full time when he starts full time school next September.

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Thereisnolight · 14/05/2022 06:51

The happy lower paid job is better than the unhappy high paid one… provided you are financially secure.
which you mightn’t be if you split up.
What does your DP say when you ask him about financial and home security for your children if something were to happen to him? Is he happy to be the main provider forever and to put that on a legal footing? Can you talk to him openly about these matters?

Thereisnolight · 14/05/2022 06:53

Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 06:12

I think I would like to retrain but the career’s I think I would love are vocational degrees and would mean quitting my job…I don’t think that is wise? Any suggestions?

Would your DP support you (with childcare costs etc) if you retrained?

Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 06:54

@Sarahs901 my youngest is also starting school next September so I completely understand wanting to make the most of your time with them.
One suggestion; could your partner top your pension up?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 06:59

@Thereisnolight he said he would yes, I trust him to do that too, but I don’t want people to think I am being stupid?

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Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 07:00

@Louise0701 so I pay £80 into it currently and work match it…he would if I asked him but by how much more and how do I sort that?

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Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 07:02

@Sarahs901 he should be matching his for your. So if he’s on either 80 or circa 54 net, I’m assuming he pays in more than 160 a month.
Just tell him you want him to match his pension contributions for you.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 07:04

@Louise0701 yes I will do.

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VintageGibbon · 14/05/2022 07:05

OP, if 3 days a week with plenty of time for your family and space to take care of yourself means your MH is in a better state, you have achieved the perfect balance. I realised after years and years of feeling guilty and a failure for only working PT, that actually it's right for me and my mental health is way better for it. £12k is a significant addition to the family income. Bear in mind that if you had to pay childcare, tax, commuting costs and people to clean the house you could be earning three times that but be no better off financially and a whole lot more stressed.

TottersBlankly · 14/05/2022 07:11

OP, the Mature Study and Retraining board is here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

Have a look at some of the longer threads and you’ll see how people navigate getting into and managing a return to (or upgrade of) work. Or retraining while maintaining established domestic lives.

It does help if you think seriously about your own skills and interests - for which the National Careers Service quizzes and info (linked above) are very useful.

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 07:21

Can I just ask, what is an ideal amount to have in my pension at this stage I have 12,000. I am 31…I think I have another from a previous job somewhere?

how much do you pay into it?

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 07:24

I won’t give you my figures as our household income is very different to yours and wouldn’t be achievable for most people.
If you look online there are probably guides to ideal amounts for different age groups. Do you have savings as well as your pension?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 08:10

Ok, so if I get him to put £150 extra in my pension pm?

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Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 08:10

I did have savings but had to buy a new car recently so starting again

OP posts:
Louise0701 · 14/05/2022 08:15

Did he contribute towards your car? Do you have seperate finances?

What is his take home pay? I can’t see that you’ve confirmed whether the 80k is gross or net

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 08:22

£80k gross. Yes we went half each for the car. We have a joint account that the bills etc come out.

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Wimbunds · 14/05/2022 08:28

This sounds off to me - you have made the huge commitment of having children together, but you can't marry due to -insert vague reason related to your mental health-. You have no savings, your DP should have some savings as he's on a high wage, but you don't know? Your pension isn't being covered. You paid for a car out of your low wage. Is your money not pooled? There's a lot of people on here saying it doesn't sound like you're going to split up which is great, but I don't get the impression that DP understands how vulnerable you are - he needs to know and do something about it. Or maybe he does and likes it like that?

Original poster
Sarahs901 · 14/05/2022 08:38

Why would he like the fact that I’m vulnerable? Why do people always assume the worst in people? It’s not as if I’d be literally jacketed without him is it. Everyone takes risks and to be with my children whilst they are young is worth it to me

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