To not understand why none of my neighbours answered the door

[Ihateitalot]

I moved in a month ago. I needed to get 10 year old dd from school but there was an issue with my front door not closing. I could have gone out the back but there was still the issue that the front door would literally not close.

I knocked on houses to see if someone could keep an eye on my door for max 15 mins. I could see some neighbours through their windows completely ignoring me or peeking back at me and then disappearing. The neighbour across from me I couldn’t see, but while I was phoning my mum to collect dd for me she answered the door for an ASOS parcel! Just so rude.

I’m beginning to think it’s because my face doesn’t fit, if you know what I mean. Next door but one completely blank me, and have crossed the street when they see me coming. I didn’t bother knocking on theirs.
One of the neighbours across from me was initially friendly, so I thought. He came over asking who my landlord was, then preceded to blank me every time after.

I feel like moving again.

At multiple houses in a short stretch of time?

God help us, what an attitude.

One of our old neighbours growing up opened the door to a lady fleeing domestic violence and very obviously injured not long after moving in. She told them that they were the first house that had answered. Sometimes people don't like to be involved if they think it might in some way even minorly inconvenience them. Think how many people don't reach out when they know someone is struggling, even supposed best friends who drop you when you have a child. Alternatively, and it's one I've been pondering myself about our neighbours because I feel that they have started being a bit more distant with us (we were chatty briefly) we don't know how cliquey they are with each other and if something we've thought nothing of has been made into a big deal. Our neighbours have been neighbours for 20 years and don't have any young children. I'm wondering if sometimes our general noise /child's occasional tantrum or possible disagreement between us adults with the window open has caused it, or even if the fact that we have on occasion left an outdoor toy in our own private back garden has tarnished our reputation among them.

I am definately in the minority here as I answer my door if someone knocks.
My area would on here be described as 'rough', a mix of renters and owners, predominantly white, older/younger residents, some work, some clearly don't, a range of domestic, drug related and social incidents over time....
BUT bizarrely people answer the door, take in parcels and give people a hand for example when someone had their car stuck on ice, needed jump leads etc

I totally get it. I have just finished a job where I have had to deliver 1000 government forms to be filled in. I had to go around knocking on peoples doors to give them their form and sign for it. I was shocked by the amount of people who don't answer the door to me. like they could see me with my hi vi's on and my Id clearly stating what I was. I was shocked. has the past two years not shown us how much we need our community. you will never know when you might need your neighbours help. you don't have to live in each others ear but be polite and acknowledge them. I ended up helping my neighbours one night as she had to rush to the hospital with her youngest child. I was able to step in and mind the rest of the kids for the night. when we moved from that area I was roaring crying as it was so nice. if someone comes to my door I answer it. I will defo here it as the dogs go crazy. if its a cold caller or someone thing juts politely say no thank you. manners cost nothing people

Just horrid and rude - I’d like to think I’d help someone out and that anyone of my neighbours would do the same!
hope your door problem is sorted and just be your own sweet self - people can be awful but don’t let it get to you - don’t feel you have to move ! Xxx

I posted earlier about none of my neighbours opening their doors when I knocked and they were in. It was a smallish community and I knew them all by sight and mist by name.FEIW I am white

This attitude is a bit sad. There was a knock on my door a few years ago and I was a bit shocked, went to answer it and it was a neighbour offering to cut my grass. My front garden was lowering the tone to be fair but still, he want to do me a favour not ask one.
My next door neighbour once locked herself out. She knocked on my door and told me her back door was open. She came through my house and then proceeded to leverage herself slowly over the wall. I was afraid she fall on my side and sue me, or die! it was painful to watch.

It's very convenient to ascribe neighbours not opening their doors when it's patently clear that they're in, to racial bigotry. I wonder why is that the OP's first thought.
That is digging your own divide, making an assumption based on your own feelings, not facts.
I don't answer the door to random people in my neighbourhood who, to my mind, might want a favour and I certainly wouldn't decline to answer because of someone's race (if it were a predominantly black community here, which isn't)
Most white individuals don't have a bias in that regard. What we often do have, is a dislike of the race card being held as a reason for, among other things, not getting a job or, as in this case, neighbours not answering their doors.
That may be what the OP thinks but she is only seeing colour, not the people.

I think its a common thing (I dont mean necessarily about race per se) to constantly put yourself at the centre of the reasoning and decision making of someone else

So if Im walking down the road and someone looks at me bad or doesnt say hello if I know them,,,,, cue a load of 'they hate me what have I done' or its because Im black/disabled/gay/young/old etc etc. Its very self absorbed.

Rather than recognising that everyone has different things going on for them and may not even have given you a second thought

This. No matter how you dress it up, it's shitty behaviour.

Somebody above mentioned it could be an area kind of behaviour and, while I am using anecdotal evidence, could be true. I was from one of the poorest places in the UK and yet my neighbours had my keys and I would employ them to do small jobs on the house.

During the summer, I'd leave a bucket with ice and ice-cream in for the kids who were playing in the street. It was popular and never had any trouble, despite it being one of the areas The Daily Mail uses to malign people.

'Sadly' moved into a far more affulent area due to marriage and now, it's like the Stepford People. I barely know any of the neighbours and while they have kids, they are ushered to school and back in secrecy.

I'd love our only child to have a friend there, but the parents just don't seem to be bothered about them interacting with any humans.

Dunno, weird bunch. I think it could be The Truman Show.

Why are people so reluctant that race, (though clearly not a factor in the example that happened to you) could be playing a part, in why the OP was ignored by her neighbours??

Alongside a whole multitude of other possible factors like fear, class attitudes, stranger danger, illness, personal preference, being busy WFH, crime, laziness, avoidance, rudeness, etc etc

To not be able to entertain that race could be a possible factor too, is just ignorant.

@LicoricePizza it's not that I think race can't possibly be a factor, but I'd put it way, way down the list of possible reasons - certainly wouldn't just assume it.

....and if it was 1 neighbour then fine, but all of them? Seems highly unlikely.

Because then white middle class people would have to accept that white middle class people can be racist

Then they might have to examine their own preconceptions

Much easier to bury their heads in the sand and deny it ever happens, only people 'not like us' can be racist dont you know.

Ach, sorry about that OP - people are bloody awful sometimes. My OH and I intentionally didn’t settle down until we found a place where several people on the street hailed us from their front gardens when we walked around the roads before our viewing. I grew up in poshish, middle-class white areas and hated the fact that no-one helped each other out, or really knew each other more than a polite nod.

Yeah, could have been racism but just as likely it was just that you’re new and they’d barely answer their door for their neighbour of 25 years, never mind you.

Rough luck - I hope you manage to find one or two decent ones on your road to pal up with!

Sorry this happened to you. My elderly neighbours won't answer the door unless they know a person pretty well but I wouldn't expect that of families.

It could be racism and/or it could be just you being unfamiliar but it may also be snobbery - home owners looking down on tenants. I was a long term tenant in my previous home (20 years) and there was a distinct unfriendliness from incoming home owning neighbours which I never got past. When much of the road was rented the feeling was more friendly but new owners doing up their houses made it feel very different. It was horrible to see.

A month in is quite early to think about moving again - moving is hard work. I'd try to find out what's going on by making an effort to be friendly and seeing how your neighbours respond. You might be surprised but if a few months down the line there's no difference I'd be looking for somewhere else.

@gumballbarry
Ok good you see it could be a factor. Obviously we’ll never know.

I think the tendency to place race low down the list of likely reasons is an example of how white privilege can make it difficult for us to appreciate how much race & colour do affect people’s behaviour towards others - on a subconscious level. Because we don’t experience the same micro aggressions or discrimination as people of colour do, we can’t actually see how our behaviour can come across as unconsciously prejudiced and racist. So we minimise it when it’s brought up, because the mere suggestion that we could be being racist, (something we would know we’d be being surely?) is abhorrent to us, because we see ourselves as good, tolerant people, who believe in equality & equal rights, who could never be so unkind as to be deliberately racist.

It’s very difficult not to come from a position of white privilege. Unless we become aware of it & how & when it’s operating. How come we are able to point out when male privilege is operating & call it out. We don’t like sexism & are only too aware it doesn’t have to be overt for it to be happening. Male privilege has been going strong for so long & continues to do so. Thankfully not in this country at least, to the same degree as it used to.

I think it’s useful to remind ourselves of this that’s all. And maybe be a bit more empathic to the OP, for having good reason for feeling this way.

Your gut is telling you they didn't answer on account of your skin colour so you are probably correct.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Nothing more to say, I wish you many good vibes OP and happier days ahead 💐

Any chance they thought you are a delivery person just knocking to let them know you leave something on their doorstep?

I think that would really spook me out and upset me. Sorry you have to go through that. It’s rude, and unneighbourly. When my doorbell rings I have no idea who it will be postman or courier or one of the student neighbours asking for parcel I have taken in, a wrong food delivery, sometimes Jehovah witnesses sometimes charities hoping I will sign up, sometimes a friend who hasn’t warned me (rare thank goodness). You have a bell and a door and it’s basic manners to reply. You don’t have to say yes to people though. Why would they be scared to do that? Though I must admit watching a door is a rather unusual request…

You're definitely generalising older people...

This is a terrible problem in modern, Western societies. I don't think it's your face, I think many people have been treated in this way.

I wish things were different.

None of them knew what she wanted though, because they wouldn’t come to the door!

I never knew until this thread that some people don’t answer the door unless they’re expecting someone, and that quite a few people think that’s normal. It seems very weird to me that people will peep through the curtain, see it’s a neighbour and decide not to open the door. I’ve never heard of people doing this!

I never ever open the door. Even for packages, they get put in a safe place outside unless they're huge and then I'm forced to get the door. I would obviously feel terrible if a neighbour needed help though and if they posted a note or text me (both sides have my number) I would do my best to help them of course. But I would never answer a random knock.

Perhaps they're racist, I don't want to deny you of that. Or perhaps they don't know you and think you were a cold caller. Or just maybe they're rude in general.

I'm sorry that happened though, I know some people like to feel like they're part of a community (I'm an introvert so would rather be in the background). You could join some local clubs or attend some events and get to know other people in the local area, and some of them might even live on your street.

I find it sad that so many people wouldn't answer the door to their neighbour, I would have done, unless I was heading out on the school run and frantically looking for my keys. Shame you aren't next-door to my parents, not only would they have watched the door, my dad probably would have fixed it too.