To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

Do you think people will tell you YABU?

No - calling her 'stupid' is victim-blaming. She is probably being love-bombed and manipulated by her abuser, and he will be presenting you as some 'crazy' figure from his past.

Maybe she thinks he's changed, or he's love bombed her sons he thinks he's amazing. Abusers can be very clever at making people believe that it's all maliciousness and lies.

When he does show these traits to her (which he will) what you told her could result in her leaving earlier, before the abuse escalates.

He is evidently able to pick a type of personality which enables his behaviour.

Who is he to you? An ex?

I’d say she’s a future victim and who’s apparently vulnerable to his manipulation.

Not sure how calling her stupid on Mumsnet is in any way helpful.

Yes, she's stupid. People will tell you it's victim blaming and love bombing and manipulation tactics, but she was 2 weeks in and faced with irrefutable evidence. I hope to god she doesn't have children.

Yes. You are unreasonable to think she's stupid.

It's up to her what she does with the infomation you sent her. She may think she is the one who will change him. He's not going to show his true colours until he's reeled her in.
I feel sorry for her in advance, been there done that and seen it again with his new woman who slagged me off and said how wonderful he was until a few months down the line when she contacted again to say she was expecting and he had scammed her out of her money and benefits for his booze addition.
I had previously warned her he was an alkie and already had form with this with me. We met up and she was a really nice person who he too had crushed and trampled into the ground.

I had an ex treat me similarly to how you describe, and they are good at the whole “I’ve changed” routine and getting people on their side.

Are you an ex of his? Is he likely to have made you out to be bitter and crazy

Calling her stupid isn’t fair at all

I would think she is a certain personality type and he has targeted her. It’s unlikely she will listen to you as she is likely extremely damaged due to background, not stupid as such.

No, I'm an old friend of one of the women I mentioned above and as such I've known about him and his behaviour for years

Agree. Hardy victim-blaming; she's not yet a victim of anything, it would seem. She's deliberately elected to ignore completing evidence. If she got kids, she's demonstrating she can't put them
first. Stupid.

Calling her stupid is entirely unreasonable and victim blaming - sure, if I was faced with that situation I wouldn't be sticking with the person in question, but the nature of abusive individuals is they have an answer for everything and can easily and adeptly explain away certain things by manipulating situations to suit them. She may very well be a professional woman, but she could also be incredibly vulnerable to this type of person.

You've done what you felt you needed to do. Rather than blame her or name call, just recognise that should she start to see red flags, she has a plethora of evidence that would back this up and don't get involved.

I’m guessing you are an ex since you know so much information about this man and his relationships, obviously one point you was also taken in by him so how would you feel about people calling you stupid?

Perhaps stupid is too harsh, it's just incredibly frustrating to see somebody putting themselves in that much danger despite having the information that so many of us wish we had when we had the chance to run in the opposite direction.

She isn't a victim...yet. She's gone into a relationship knowing all that information, that makes her stupid in my book

It's not at all obvious and in fact she's not an ex.

So how do you know who he is dating and what he is up to? Do you stalk his SM waiting to see if he gets into a relationship, how do you know it’s only been 2 weeks? Doesn’t add up you know so much but are only a friend of one of his exes? So how do you know what he is up to?

I'm not his ex no, but I was friends with one of those exes.

I have, however, been in a relationship with somebody just like him.

So she says she’s a friend of his ex my point still stands how on Earth does she know so much about her friends exes life! Bizarre

Yes she’s stupid. You did the right thing by warning her, so well done for that.

I have to agree she is very foolish having been shown irrefutable evidence 2 weeks in. These men don't change their behaviour. Would you invite a starving lion into your house knowing what the likely outcome would be?
Probably not

Yeah, course I do. 🍪