Page 6 | To think this woman is stupid

Wellyboots12 · 2022-05-13T09:36:35+00:00

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother. That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding ^her^ child. He served time in prison. I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there. She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life. Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks. AIBU to think she's stupid? I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

ZealAndArdour · 13/05/2022 12:19

You have done the right thing OP. I’d like to think that if I was in her shoes I’d have the strength to heed your warnings and move on.

Perhaps she already feels unsafe and she doesn’t want to rock the boat, but she’s looking for her out, or trying to find a way to make him lose interest so he thinks it’s his idea to end things.

Lots of women enter into relationships with these men thinking they’ll be the one that changes him, the ego (or the love bombing) let’s them believe he wouldn’t treat them that way, and that there must have been something wrong with those other women that he abused, that they did something to deserve it or they’re lesser in some way. It’s foolish, but complex.

BetsHilton · 13/05/2022 12:21

It sounds like @Fullsomefrenchie and @PumpkinsandKittens are the kind of women who would shout abuse at any woman who tried to say anything about ‘their man’ and so wouldn’t listen to a word the op is saying similar to this woman.

All their posts are trying to find something ‘odd’ about the op or making weird connections/ trying to make her out to be some kind of social media stalker so they can dismiss what she’s actually saying which is that factually this man is a abuser and this woman is staying with him regardless which yes is completely stupid and foolish.

YANBU @Wellyboots12 you did your best.

PoseyFlump · 13/05/2022 12:21

I'd be using a word a lot stronger than stupid if she has children. IMO anything that happened to them after your warning would be neglect.

HRTQueen · 13/05/2022 12:22

I don’t think she is stupid making the wrong decisions yes

he would have probably started already with the lines this relationship is so different to the others

he will be masterful at manipulation no one is immune to being manipulated

FabulousKilljoys · 13/05/2022 12:23

I’d like to think that if I was in her shoes I’d have the strength to heed your warnings and move on.

She's been with him 2 weeks. It hardly takes 'strength' to quit a 2 week 'relationship'. Christ 2 weeks into my relationships we'd only been on a couple of dates and I wasn't even sure they were for me!

Original poster

Wellyboots12 · 13/05/2022 12:23

I've just had a look and she does have children, though they seem to be upper teens / almost adults so sadly social services wouldn't have any interest.

Still, it's all very shit that they are about to witness their mother go through what she will.

I'll have to leave it be now I agree. I wasn't going to contact her a second time anyway. What I would have done was flagged my concerns with social services if her DC were kids, but as they don't seem to be there's nothing more I can do.

I wish her luck, she's going to need it.

OP posts:

Freetodowhatiwant · 13/05/2022 12:23

I had a situation recently where I emailed the new girlfriend (well, according to him this weekend when I accidentally bumped into him he still isn't seeing her as a 'girlfriend') of an ex. I had been sleeping with him too but he had been 'honest' with me about several other people he was sleeping with.

I thought she deserved to know as she technically had only seen him for a couple of months and lived abroad so still had time to more easily detach herself. He and I had been officially boyfriend and girlfriend for 6 months before I found out about him being unfaithful and then had another 3 months of on/off during which time he met her and was sleeping with others.

He is furious with me as he says I have behaved very badly by telling her. I am furious with him as he was lying to everyone, having sex with others and also not always using condoms. She is still continuing to see him. He is definitely still up to his old tricks, as he told me as much when I bumped into him last weekend. I was tempted to do an AIBU to see if people thought I had done the right/wrong thing by emailing her (given that he is so adamant it was the wrong thing) but I feel happy having told everyone the truth. She is being manipulated by him, I am sure, into thinking I am lying and 'the crazy ex' but I am comfortable in the fact I have told the truth and am moving on. I feel a bit sorry for her as she will be in the position I was with him, wondering where he is when he disappears some nights, being love-bombed into thinking she is special to him.

She has chosen to see me as the bad person for telling her rather than see him as the bad person for cheating. I am glad I told her but I can't control what she does with the info.

Fullsomefrenchie · 13/05/2022 12:24

Op are you rhe ex? Is that why she’s ignored you? Does she think you are a jealous ex trying to split them up? Is that what he is telling her?

the point on calling her “stupid” has been made, so we can move on, but now you’ve lots of others, piling on, also calling her stupid.

however I won’t, becayse I don’t know the woman, I don’t know her issues, and I’m not convinced you are not his ex, they had only known each other two weeks and you found her and were warning her, so you caught that pretty damn quick

you are clearly pissed off about the “loved up” images and “weekends away” Which is written like a jealous ex, as otherwise you’d just have written they are still together and seem happy.,,you are continuing to monitor social media on him and her, where as if this was just concern, I’d expect you to be expressing that concern about her welfare, not be pissed off and calling her stupid.

so as much as staying with a known abuser is foolhardy, concerning and dangerous, the question is why has she ignored you and it could be she thinks you’re a jealous ex, and he is now putting his side forward or had warned her you’d call to “try to split them up” . It could be she has low self esteem, has her own mental health problems, some people go from abuser to abuser, there could be many reasons she’s chosen to ignore this and proceed.

Squillerman · 13/05/2022 12:24

Well, she’s been warned so can’t plead ignorance when he does the same to her.

whynotwhatknot · 13/05/2022 12:25

People on here really astound me sometimes-op is being abusive wtf?

Youve done the right thing unfirtunately some men are very manipulative or the woman thinks they can change them-hopefully she sees the ligt soon

PumpkinsandKittens · 13/05/2022 12:26

BetsHilton · 13/05/2022 12:21

It sounds like @Fullsomefrenchie and @PumpkinsandKittens are the kind of women who would shout abuse at any woman who tried to say anything about ‘their man’ and so wouldn’t listen to a word the op is saying similar to this woman.

All their posts are trying to find something ‘odd’ about the op or making weird connections/ trying to make her out to be some kind of social media stalker so they can dismiss what she’s actually saying which is that factually this man is a abuser and this woman is staying with him regardless which yes is completely stupid and foolish.

YANBU @Wellyboots12 you did your best.

Nope I’m very much single and have been for 5 years, I just don’t like the way the op has come on here calling someone stupid and encouraging others to do so.

LetHimHaveIt · 13/05/2022 12:27

Some of us didn't need any encouragement. She's immensely foolish.

PumpkinsandKittens · 13/05/2022 12:27

Fullsomefrenchie · 13/05/2022 12:24

Op are you rhe ex? Is that why she’s ignored you? Does she think you are a jealous ex trying to split them up? Is that what he is telling her?

the point on calling her “stupid” has been made, so we can move on, but now you’ve lots of others, piling on, also calling her stupid.

however I won’t, becayse I don’t know the woman, I don’t know her issues, and I’m not convinced you are not his ex, they had only known each other two weeks and you found her and were warning her, so you caught that pretty damn quick

you are clearly pissed off about the “loved up” images and “weekends away” Which is written like a jealous ex, as otherwise you’d just have written they are still together and seem happy.,,you are continuing to monitor social media on him and her, where as if this was just concern, I’d expect you to be expressing that concern about her welfare, not be pissed off and calling her stupid.

so as much as staying with a known abuser is foolhardy, concerning and dangerous, the question is why has she ignored you and it could be she thinks you’re a jealous ex, and he is now putting his side forward or had warned her you’d call to “try to split them up” . It could be she has low self esteem, has her own mental health problems, some people go from abuser to abuser, there could be many reasons she’s chosen to ignore this and proceed.

Exactly it’s so clear the op is the ex and is pretending to be a friend, I think she would have got more sympathy if she had been honest, but she sounds way to emotional about it that it’s clear she’s the ex.

AchatAVendre · 13/05/2022 12:29

Fullsomefrenchie · 13/05/2022 12:24

Op are you rhe ex? Is that why she’s ignored you? Does she think you are a jealous ex trying to split them up? Is that what he is telling her?

the point on calling her “stupid” has been made, so we can move on, but now you’ve lots of others, piling on, also calling her stupid.

however I won’t, becayse I don’t know the woman, I don’t know her issues, and I’m not convinced you are not his ex, they had only known each other two weeks and you found her and were warning her, so you caught that pretty damn quick

you are clearly pissed off about the “loved up” images and “weekends away” Which is written like a jealous ex, as otherwise you’d just have written they are still together and seem happy.,,you are continuing to monitor social media on him and her, where as if this was just concern, I’d expect you to be expressing that concern about her welfare, not be pissed off and calling her stupid.

so as much as staying with a known abuser is foolhardy, concerning and dangerous, the question is why has she ignored you and it could be she thinks you’re a jealous ex, and he is now putting his side forward or had warned her you’d call to “try to split them up” . It could be she has low self esteem, has her own mental health problems, some people go from abuser to abuser, there could be many reasons she’s chosen to ignore this and proceed.

Oh good heavens. This is very dreary. On and on and on about how the OP might be the ex. Nothing about the actual content of the thread.

I received a similar warning from 2 women about a man I had just started seeing while I was at university. I knew one of them and didn't know the other. I heeded the warning (that the man had beaten up a previous girlfriend), I didn't obsess about whether one was the ex or not, I used my judgement to assess that they were genuine and he was too good to be true.

This proved a good idea, because I later looked him up years later out of curiosity and he was jailed for violence against a partner result in "permanently disfigurement" to her, whatever that meant.

Domestic abusers are surprisingly common.

HRTQueen · 13/05/2022 12:30

I think you have absolutely done the right thing op

sadly we can’t save others we can only try

and as I posted before we can all be manipulated I hope she notices the red flags early and gets out

Villagewaspbyke · 13/05/2022 12:31

Wellyboots12 · 13/05/2022 10:50

Perhaps stupid is too harsh, it's just incredibly frustrating to see somebody putting themselves in that much danger despite having the information that so many of us wish we had when we had the chance to run in the opposite direction.

I agree op. Its very poor decision making for sure. I hope she doesn't have kids.

ZealAndArdour · 13/05/2022 12:32

FabulousKilljoys · 13/05/2022 12:23

I’d like to think that if I was in her shoes I’d have the strength to heed your warnings and move on.

She's been with him 2 weeks. It hardly takes 'strength' to quit a 2 week 'relationship'. Christ 2 weeks into my relationships we'd only been on a couple of dates and I wasn't even sure they were for me!

None of us know the ins and outs, they might have been chatting and messaging or casual for months. Maybe she’s very insecure and lonely and two weeks of constant attention feels like the best thing that’s ever happened to her.

I don’t know, I’m not the new girlfriend in this situation. Not all women are strong or forthright, not all women believe themselves to have choices.

BetsHilton · 13/05/2022 12:34

@PumpkinsandKittens if all that matters to you is that she called the woman stupid why are you utterly obsessed with insisting she’s the ex or a social media stalker. Your posts and @Fullsomefrenchie are completely odd and over the top.

Again like I said the kind of women who accuse someone trying to warn them of being ‘jealous’ or using any kind of deflection to make sure you don’t need to listen to what OP is actually saying!!

Original poster

Wellyboots12 · 13/05/2022 12:34

Fullsomefrenchie · 13/05/2022 12:24

Op are you rhe ex? Is that why she’s ignored you? Does she think you are a jealous ex trying to split them up? Is that what he is telling her?

the point on calling her “stupid” has been made, so we can move on, but now you’ve lots of others, piling on, also calling her stupid.

however I won’t, becayse I don’t know the woman, I don’t know her issues, and I’m not convinced you are not his ex, they had only known each other two weeks and you found her and were warning her, so you caught that pretty damn quick

you are clearly pissed off about the “loved up” images and “weekends away” Which is written like a jealous ex, as otherwise you’d just have written they are still together and seem happy.,,you are continuing to monitor social media on him and her, where as if this was just concern, I’d expect you to be expressing that concern about her welfare, not be pissed off and calling her stupid.

so as much as staying with a known abuser is foolhardy, concerning and dangerous, the question is why has she ignored you and it could be she thinks you’re a jealous ex, and he is now putting his side forward or had warned her you’d call to “try to split them up” . It could be she has low self esteem, has her own mental health problems, some people go from abuser to abuser, there could be many reasons she’s chosen to ignore this and proceed.

I'm not his ex.

As I said in my second or third post though I was a friend of one of his exes and supported her in the aftermath of what he did to her. As a result, I quickly became aware of all of the other women he'd done the same to.

We're from a small town where news travels fast and, unfortunately, some people like to splash their business over social media.

Also - what he does is public knowledge due to his conviction being in the local newspaper.

Due to my own history of domestic abuse and seeing first hand the impact he had on my then-friend, I took a strong disliking of him and everything he is.

I don't think it's unusual for somebody who has been abused themselves, to feel passionate about trying to protect other women from suffering the same.

It's bizarre that people think this means I'm an ex or jealous in some way.

I'm a grown woman in a committed (non violent!) relationship and I have children, one of which is a girl, so the only 'dog' I have in this fight is not wanting women to go through all of that shit.

Its quite simple.

Personally I think there should be more people like me prepared to give other women a heads up. Lord knows I needed that once upon a time.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/05/2022 12:35

Depending on her job, this relationship might have serious implications for her DBS clearance. Especially if she doesn't declare it.

whiskyjarsafilling · 13/05/2022 12:35

OP, its great that you have taken the responsibility to inform this woman of what this man is like, and that you have provided evidence too.

You've done what you can.

Its up to her now, though I understand the utter frustration in not being able to prevent the car wreck from happening all over again.

whiskyjarsafilling · 13/05/2022 12:37

Personally I think there should be more people like me prepared to give other women a heads up. Lord knows I needed that once upon a time

You are completely and utterly right.

MenopauseSucks · 13/05/2022 12:39

You did a good thing OP. Whilst 'stupid' is a bit harsh, it can be frustrating watching a woman walk blindly into a dangerous situation.

As for your mutual friends - I guess he's gaslighted & manipulated them the same way he does his victims. Hopefully they will see through him one day.

FabulousKilljoys · 13/05/2022 12:39

whiskyjarsafilling · 13/05/2022 12:37

Personally I think there should be more people like me prepared to give other women a heads up. Lord knows I needed that once upon a time

You are completely and utterly right.

100% this.

HeadNorth · 13/05/2022 12:41

I don't understand why the OP is getting a hard time. Of course this woman is being stupid. It is akin to that numpty who has decided to marry Levi Bellfield. Saviour complex - they are different and better than other women so the abuser will treat them differently & better. Very misguided, very stupid.