To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

@Wellyboots12 i think you tried to do the right thing, directed her to Clare’s Law and showed her articles, nothing more you can do. You tried.

She's absolutely a victim from the moment she started talking to him if he's lying about his past, telling stories that minimise his behaviour and love bombing her to delude her into thinking he's not the person the OP has shown her to be.

Also, how does OP know so much about their relationship? How do we know it's been two weeks? He could have been targeting her for ages.

We have mutual friends. He was tagged in photos on a night out cosied up to this woman. Yes I did look on her social media. Would you not want to pre warn somebody if you knew they were involved with such a dangerous person who posed a huge risk to women and children?

Why do you check your friends exes social media? And like I said how do you know it’s only been 2 weeks maybe they have been together longer... I have no idea what any of my friends exes are up to. Do you think he is never going to have a relationship ever again? Or do you plan to message every woman he dates

how on Earth does she know so much about her friends exes life! Bizarre

It is kind of strange.

Nope as I said I don’t check out my friends exes or SM. And I also don’t police their relationships.

The difference is that this woman was warned and advised to do a claire’s law check.

Of course she's stupid. That's not victim blaming, she isn't a victim yet. If she knowingly goes into a situation she knows could be volatile then that's plain stupidity. It's time we remembered that we're all accountable and responsible for ourselves.

YANBU for thinking surely 2 weeks in you'd walk away. Finding out he's that bad 2 weeks in, and it not being things you could say were misinterpreted, not grey areas, why wouldn't you get out. Unfortunately for her there is something that has made her vulnerable to this. She is acting stupidly if you just look at the logic, but personally I feel sorry for her that her life has led to a place where she can know a man is scum and still be sucked in by his lies and manipulation. Mostly it's sad, so sad.

No she doesn't.

I've encountered a man like this. He ruined my friend's life and almost left a little girl an orphan, when her mother (his next victim) attempted suicide after he implicated her in his theft of several thousand pounds from the company they both worked for.

I've made it my business to tell every subsequent employer for whom he's worked, what he is.

Pictures of the two of them appeared on my newsfeed as they were on a night out with somebody who is on my friends list.

Only when I saw the pictures, completely by chance, did I click her profile and look.

I know it was two weeks because she had posted as much "two weeks with this one" love heart emoji etc.

I hope the stupid woman hasn’t got kids has she OP?

It's not strange at all.

I supported me friend through what he put her through and we lived in a small town. It didn't take long for his other exes to pop up, contact her and tell her what they'd been through with him too.

Why are people fixating on how much the OP knows about this man, surely just fixate on the point that's she try to do a good thing and save this woman from this guy?

Weird you have mutual friends if this guy is so violent you would think people wouldn’t want to be his friend. Anyway the whole story sounds odd, “2 weeks with this one” could mean anything maybe he stayed over for 2 weeks, maybe they are going on holiday for 2 weeks, who knows, seems you’ve just assumed it’s only been 2 weeks.

I know some of my friends exes have been violent but no it would occur to me to check their SM and message any new women they get into relationships with.

Well slow clap for you, personally I would hope that people would warn me if I was getting involved with such a dangerous person.

You continue to mind your own business though, even if women are at risk. Very admirable.

And she’s decided not to listen, the op does seem overly invested in her friends exes relationship. You can warn people and they can choose not to listen. Violent men will find new relationships no one can stop that.

No, she doesn't. She sounds upset and frustrated at seeing someone being sucked in by a dangerous individual. It is upsetting being able to see that something terrible will happen and trying to stop it but not being able to. She's done the right thing in passing the information on. Being upset that it isn't listened to is because she cares, even if calling the woman stupid isn't the best way of showing it.

OP you have done what you can. All I can suggest now is that you detach yourself from the situation. Block them on SM so you don't see them. People have to make their own mistakes.

Why would I check all my friends exes SM to find out what new women they are dating so I can message them all and warn them. 🤨

I have no idea to be honest.

Typical misogyny, innit?

Ignore the behaviour of men and focus on what women are doing wrong. I must say I'm surprised to see that happening on a site with so many feminist users.

I think you did the right thing OP. Female solidarity!

If I got involved with a new bloke, and didn't realise the awful truth, I'd be glad if another woman tipped me off.

Although I'm not sure 'stupid' is the right word for the other woman in this case ... maybe just deluded, which is sad, and of course unsustainable.

I think I would have done the same as you OP.
How many of us could have avoided shitty, violent, controlling men if we'd have had the heads up 2 weeks in? Not all of us maybe but a good few would have at least done our own research having been given some information.
Sadly there is nothing further you can do now. This lady is making her choice. As much as you're wanting to shake some sense into her I think that won't happen until he's shaking and assaulting her 😔

Oh get a grip of yourself.

I'm invested in preventing women being abused wherever possible.

I would do the same whoever it was.

Next door neighbour, stranger, etc.

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I was losing faith in humanity for a second. This site can be crazy making 😳