To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

You’ve done what you could and she’s an adult who is newly in love. Let’s hope she remembers what you said when the honeymoon period is over and the red flags appear

OP you did a very public spirited act in trying to warn this new woman. The fact she's ignoring it is foolish but doesn't male her stupid. She could be as naive as a child and still be perfectly fine if the person she was with wasn't an abuser. The responsibility is the abusers.

However, this is basically culture, psychology and socialisation at play. Abuse has been normal in society for so long the relatively recent challenge to it still has a long way to go. My guess is that most (all?) of the abuse never got convicted. Therefore he can claim it's all made up. Claire's Law might show 0 convictions? There's also a 10-day turnaround from submission so she may not have results yet. Right now she probably can't reconcile the man she sees with the account you've provided.

However, all is not lost. This will be filed away somewhere. The first time he is abusive towards her it will ring bells. At that point she may well look into things further and it may well give her courage to leave. Will it be much more difficult then than now? Of course, but everyone learns at different rates and if she gets out that's a good thing.

You've done your bit ..

A golf club or bridge club would feel just as incestuous to me as a pub or whatever. I would feel exactly the same about any group of people who only ever socialise with and sleep with one another and all know one another's business. Nothing to do with social class.

I agree with PP that you have done your bit and there's not much else you can do. I do think, though, that while you have probably done the right thing to say something to the other woman, starting a thread to slag her off isn't a very good look (because that's what your OP was doing).

So many people on here saying, 'Is he your ex?' then going on to vilify you.
Read the bloody thread, folks! Especially if you're then going to criticise / attack a decent person.
You have done the right thing - your conscience should be clear. It is sad when women think that they will be the one to change a man who has so much history as an abuser.
Fingers crossed that the woman will dump him as soon as she sees the tiniest of red flags, as your warnings will pop up in her mind.

She has the information. It will be percolating in the back of her mind. Perhaps she now is alerted to the early warning flags and will extricate herself without too much damage. You did a good thing.

What the hell is wrong with the people on this thread who are attacking OP for warning a woman about her new fella's past? Of course she did the right thing and of course the woman is foolish for not heeding the warning, when presented with hard evidence.

A bit shocked at the direction this thread has taken.

I think it’s irrelevant if the op is the ex tbh. She’s done absolutely the right thing trying to help this woman. She’s provided evidence of a previous conviction and directed her to do a Claire’s Law search. Even if she was an ex, there would be no police involvement or conviction if the man was innocent. There is irrefutable evidence - it’s not just op’s word against his (not that even that shouldn’t make the new partner think twice).

That being said if the woman chooses to ignore all of this and believe her domestic abuser partner there is nothing more you can do. Unfortunately some people just choose not to be helped and they are within their rights to do so. She’ll have to make her own mistakes here, all you can do is just hope that she’s ok.

This thread is a bit bizzare, there are people attacking the OP about a known abuser, people saying it's victim blaming calling her stupid, it isn't if you knowingly go into a relationship with a known abuser whist you can be a victim you would still be stupid. And saying she should mind her business I'd rather know if I was with someone like that.

To me this woman probably thinks she is the one who can change him and is trying to be the saviour.

I think the word "stupid" is unhelpful in this scenario because people are going to latch onto it. I think people are responding to what could be considered an inflammatory word and HAS been used to blame people for things not entirely their fault (for clarity, I don't think that was OPs intention at all).

And anyone telling the OP to Mind Their Business... if this woman was your DD or sister or best friend, or you, wouldn't you want someone to take time to warn you? (regardless of whatever choice they/you then made with the information)

I hate the word “stupid”

Forbidden in my home amongst my children

I would certainly never call a woman who I hardly know, who didn’t know me a relationship on the basis of what I told her, no matter how compelling. Especially since friends of the ex are still friends and socialising with the man in question.

i would be frustrated and sad. But I would not think she is “stupid”

I wouldn't agree she is stupid tbh. But thank you for looking out for a future victim and this information may persuade her to move on quickly should he begin his behaviour towards her. Which I have no doubt he will. You can only do your best and warn people.

@jaffacakesareepic I don't understand this silly 'nesting quotations' business, but if you are referring to me, then @Wellyboots12 has replied to my post in a much more civil and comprehensible manner.

You never know @Wellyboots12 : if things go wrong for this woman once the honeymoon period is over, she might just remember what you said.

Oh well thats okay then, so long as someone responded to your rude remarks in a civil comprehensible manner 🙄

Im assuming you have name changed otherwise i have no idea who you are?

But if you have name changed im glad my comment was both incomprehensible and yet you managed to comprehend it enough to assume I hadnt read your message.

But whatever. You go back to your high and mighty lonely palace where no one knows each other and leave those of common, parochial people to argue over who goes on jeremy kyle next

Must be such fun to be a raging snob

This thread is unbelievable. A man has been convicted of attacking his former partners and very young kids, but the OP’s behaviour is being questioned??! Wtaf?

social media means I know the current relationship status of old school friends I haven’t seen in 25 years. You don’t need to ‘stalk’ someone to know everything about them!

Why wouldn’t someone want to prevent someone getting into an abusive relationship?

yes- calling someone ‘stupid’ maybe isn’t the best way to describe this woman’s actions, But it explains the frustration many people ( including the OP) have when they see people falling into this trap.

you did the right thing OP and I’m sure this will help the woman end the relationship at the first sign of trouble.

@Wellyboots12 thank you. I’m glad there are people like you in the world.

Yes those posts are pathetic. As if the OP is "jellus" FGS. Get a grip. I hope everyone would do what the OP has done.

Is anyone else getting posts all in bold?

Yes. It's really confusing as you can't tell what's a quote and what's the response, in some posts.

Unexpected but positive update, she has dumped him. Thank goodness for that.

Well there you go no need to jump the gun and call her stupid then was there...

Nice one @Wellyboots12

You did the right thing.

Yay glad to hear it OP, I hope she doesn't get back with him.

I wasn't 'jumping the gun' at all, but do take back calling her stupid.

She went on holiday with him after being shown the information so it very much appeared as though she'd disregarded it.

Anyway, it's over and done with and she's likely escaped serious harm.