To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

Except I'm not abusing her.

She has no idea this thread exists.

I was nothing but polite to her directly.

I think you need to familiarise yourself with what abuse actually is.

..but if you did see it. You wouldn't want to warn her? Not even anonymously?

No. Not my job to police relationships.

Completely agree with this. Women are not passive little creatures so lacking in agency that they couldn't swerve on a violent wife-beater 2 weeks in. Some women are stupid when it comes to love and think they can "change him" or that everybody else is lying. Well done for trying to help her, though.

Wow, if I had got that message, I'd have been out quick as anything! I think its crazy to stay with a man when you know about that history. Maybe it's because I've been a victim but if I heard about it, then I would run or at the very least do a check to see the evidence for myself so to speak. No matter how much I liked someone, I would never be with someone whose abused his ex's. In my opinion, they don't change. I think you did a good thing OP. You tried and you gave her the information needed.

I have to agree she is very foolish having been shown irrefutable evidence 2 weeks in. These men don't change their behaviour. Would you invite a starving lion into your house knowing what the likely outcome would be?
Probably not

I completely agree with this. Maybe it isn't fair to say that she IS stupid, but she is certainly BEING foolish. I wouldn't victim-blame anybody who was burgled, but I would nevertheless consider it very foolish behaviour to leave your front door wide open before going on holiday for a fortnight.

I find it a little concerning that some people are so desperate to tell OP that it's none of her business and that she should keep quiet about it. It's not just a case of 'he said/she said' or accusations of him being a bit selfish or having a wandering eye - he's had convictions and been in prison for this. A BABY has already suffered as a direct result of his violence.

There's another thread where people are warning/recounting about grumpy celebrities who don't like fans approaching them or treat their (junior) colleagues with respect. Most people would tell somebody approaching a cash point that they just discovered to be empty not to bother wasting a minute or two of their time; but for some reason, if you warn a woman who is unwittingly walking into a violent bearpit of a relationship which will very likely have serious consequences for her and/or her children (current of future), you are the bad guy???

@Wellyboots12 You did the right thing & also encouraged her to fact check by using Claire’s Law. After that, you can do no more.

You can take a horse to water…

“Weird you have mutual friends if this guy is so violent you would think people wouldn’t want to be his friend.”

Are you really this naive? He won’t have been abusive to his ‘friends’, he’ll have been abusive to his intimate partners, behind closed doors. His friends probably think he’s a great guy 🙄

OP I think this woman is maybe wilfully ignorant rather than ‘stupid’ as such, or like a pp says arrogant enough to think she’ll change him/he’ll be different with her as she’s strong, not like those other silly weak women.

You’ve done a good thing, but people have the right to make bad choices.

OP isn't abusing her by speaking about it on an anonymous thread. She's venting frustration about a woman putting herself in danger, when she knows all about his past.

To those criticising the OP, if this was you or, God forbid, your daughter would you still feel the same? Personally I'd be fucking grateful if I or anyone I knew was saved from a man like this.
**
I don't understand this place at times

Exactly this.

At the moment 27% of MNers think OP is unreasonable.

I thought she was unreasonable for condemning the friend as 'stupid' - not for trying to warn her. I note the OP has since acknowledged 'stupid' was the wrong word.

I dont think stupid is the right term. Naive, trusting maybe. Logical thinking seems to go out the window for many when getting into a relationship. You have warned her, what she does with the information is up to her and none of your business.

She's not stupid as such, although it is unwise.
These men are very good at picking people who will believe their shit.
He will have explanations for everything. She will be different. He has changed. Until the first time, and then he will be sorry, it will never happen again.

All you can do is warn her, you did that. If she has children, you could phone social services. Otherwise, ultimately, it's sadly her choice. Be there for when it goes tits up.

You have done the right thing OP. You spoke up, she knows, now it's up to her. He may have spun her a (plausible) story about why these stories are in the paper about him. She has been warned and she will remember your warning and notice earlier when things start to go wrong.

Brilliant post - thank you!

I actually think some of these posters getting on my case would actually warn somebody if they were in a position to because it doesn't bode well not to in reality, but because this is mumsnet they just like to be contrary and have a pop at an OP for the sake of it.

And theres the point, if his friends think he is such a great guy and must be aware of everything he has done then she probably does too.The op has no proof it’s only been 2 weeks, maybe she’s known him longer as a friend, shes made an assumption based on a picture which could mean anything

Yes, she's being silly.

But you've done your duty and I thank you for it 👍

The ball is in her court now, she's a grown woman, she can have a relationship with whoever she wants to 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are being abusive about her. It doesn’t matter she doesn’t know. The point op is if you’d started a thread saying “I’m concerned about this woman“ the responses would be different, but you didn’t, you started one saying she was stupid and urging posters to agree with you on her stupidity.

you are clearly pissed off she’s not dumped him, that they are “loved up” and going on “weekend breaks”, so I also am wondering if you actually are an ex, not an ex’s “friend” on a mission to protect women as you are portraying yourself, and actually stalking his social media. and don’t want to admit it.

Yes but this information is readily in the public domain. It doesn't matter what he says because she knows exactly what he is capable of. He would be hard pressed to deny doing something he was imprisoned for.

That alone should be enough for her to think "fuck this"

YANBU

I may not fully believe an ex but if someone mentioned something like this I would absolutely do some digging and check Claire’s law.

I know of one man who has been accused of rape and DV on multiple occasions but has never been convicted.
They move, get a new gf and it happens all over again.

I think there’s an element of refusing to believe it and when it does happen they’re too ashamed to tell anyone incase people think it’s their own fault.
And when the relationship does end they tell people and then they’re seen as just bitter or jumping on the bandwagon.

I also know of 2 men who were accused of child abuse. 1 went to jail and only served a couple of years and 1 didn’t go to jail at all. They were both on the same estate as me and their step daughters they abused and now both live less than 10 miles away from their victims.

I did see one women who was his new gf who had a young daughter and I told her what he’d been to jail for and she shouted abuse at me and didn’t believe me.
I really hope she took steps to protect her DD after that.

Well done for giving this women a heads up.
It is now her choice what to do with that information.

Why 'unhinged'?

I'm frustrated.

No, I'm not his bloody ex.

My abuser is dead.

Don't pay any attention to that, it's just a word people on mumsnet like to throw about to discredit somebody. I've been here for years and see it on a weekly basis.

Why is the OP taking such a pasting? She’s trying to make sure a woman (and maybe children) are not exposed to any danger from this violent man. OP isn’t weird or unhinged and yes when someone has behaved horrifically they stay in your mind as a danger, so I don’t see the issue in looking at the social media. You have done everything you could to warn this woman.

You did the right thing OP, not sure what's wrong with some people on here.