To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

Some of these responses are bizarre. I wish I'd had someone like the OP to warn me how dangerous my partner was, it would've saved me nearly a decade of suffering. I don't think the woman in question is stupid, men like that are incredibly manipulative, but I do think he'll treat her exactly the same and she'll regret not heeding the OP's warning. OP you have done everything you can, all you can do now is detatch and leave them to get on with it.

She's got the info she needs to form an opinion. Leave them to it.

I mean, you did come on here calling the woman stupid. That's not very admirable.

Agreed she is thick. She has been shown evidence of criminal charges against this man. Her own idiocy is choosing to ignore that. God help her, she doesn't deserve to be another victim, but she will be.

@Wellyboots12 Why would I check all my friends exes SM to find out what new women they are dating so I can message them all and warn them. 🤨

Not all the ex's just a very abusive one. If you knew someone was dangerous, that they had hurt woman and children, wouldn't you want to warn anyone else they got involved with?

Thats not what happened though is it?

Do you have reading comprehension skills or are you just being deliberately obtuse?

You're talking as though I wake up of a morning and decide to go sleuthing online out of the blue.

I have explained what brought it to my attention and why I messaged her.

I think it's pretty alarming that some of you have such a problem with me, above him, in this situation.

I just know it's people like you who wouldn't bother to ring the police if they heard a neighbour being beaten by her husband.

When I was in an abusive situation I BEGGED people to intervene, nobody ever did.

Well done you for contributing to the "I just mind my own business" narrative.

But she is stupid. You did your best OP, leave her to it and if it ends badly then she can't say she wasn't warned.

Personally I think you’ve done yourself no favours here. This woman hasn’t done as you feel is right so you’ve decided to publicly abuse her. To start a thread about her calling her stupid.

you then proclaim to be some form of vigilante out there trying to stop women being abused whilst you youtself are being abusive.

doesn’t fly op. Doesn’t fly at all.

Nope, I don’t check their SM so I wouldn’t know . My own ex was abusive but I am not checking his SM to find if he ever has a new partner to warn them. Nope.

Yes, then shortly after I acknowledged that stupid was harsh and perhaps not the right word to use. Its an incredibly frustrating situation.

I spent five years being beaten and raped by a man like the man in my OP. What I would have given for somebody to tell me what he was capable of at the start.

I don’t actually think it is normal to check friends exes social media even abusive ones, tbh I would cut off any mutual friends that I had with that person if they decided to stay friends with him?! So then I wouldn’t see him on my SM but I would lose respect for people that continued to be friends with someone so violent.

Unfortunately, yes. Just read some of the replies and weep.

At the moment 27% of MNers think OP is unreasonable.

I despair at times.

You're correct that its very worrying OP and you have done the right thing, regardless of your motives.
But it's not helpful to call her stupid. This man presumably targets women like this and is doing his best to convince her that these were lies invented by a mad ex or whatever.

Sorry, who exactly am I abusing?

She is a nameless person for the purpose of this post.

So your post doesn't fly, doesn't fly at all 🙄

Do you have reading comprehension skills or are you just being deliberately obtuse?…I think it's pretty alarming that some of you have such a problem with me, above him, in this situation

op you don’t get away with being abusive simply because others are worse. People don’t have an issue with you over this man, they have an issue also with you. Your abusive behaviour isn’t ok becayse his is worse.

that’s the message you’re being given. You are being abusive to this woman, and other posters on here, who are likely women. This isn’t ok. Abuse of women isn’t acceptable and someone being a bigger abuser doesn’t justify it. All abuse is unacceptable. That’s why people are tying to tell you.

You did the right thing in letting her know, and I can see why you're frustrated by her response.

But if you really want to stop women being abused, I think you need to stop calling them 'stupid', because that is the kind of thing that shames abused women, and stops them from coming forward.

i agree Op, she is stupid, but unfortunately there is no vaccine for stupid, as proved by some of the comments on this thread.

Just wanted to say well done OP in warning her. It would have been so much easier to turn a blind eye but you have potentially saved her life. Although she has ignored your messages now she may end things when she starts seeing early signs for herself.

If you saw a photo of him cosied up with another woman you wouldn't want to warn her? Wow.

Sorry, who exactly am I abusing?She is a nameless person for the purpose of this post

you are abusing the woman you are talking about, hurling insults at her. Just because she’s anonymous and she doesn’t know doesn’t make abuse ok.

She's arrogant enough to think that she is different or she can change him.

You've done what you can.

If I ignored someone who warned me that my new fella was a violent abuser, I think the least of my problems would be that this same person was anonymously calling me ‘stupid’ on Mumsnet. OP has tried her best to help this woman ffs, and all she’s getting is a telling off for calling a spade a spade. Wokeness gone fucking mad!

To those criticising the OP, if this was you or, God forbid, your daughter would you still feel the same? Personally I'd be fucking grateful if I or anyone I knew was saved from a man like this.

I don't understand this place at times

Gaslighting 101.

Now I'm abusive for reacting to posters being rude to me.

Make it make sense.

I wouldn’t even see it like I said I wouldn’t have people who are friends with him on my SM.