To think this woman is stupid

[Wellyboots12]

A few weeks ago I contacted a woman to inform her about her new boyfriends history, they had been together about two weeks at this point so by no means a serious established relationship. He has convictions for domestic abuse, 4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him - one incident saw the then baby caught in the cross fire and hit when he hit the mother.

That woman aside, he has beaten every woman he has ever been in a relationship with. He threw another ex down the stairs infront of her children, and headbutted another woman whilst she was holding her child. He served time in prison.

I sent her screenshots of articles printed in the newspaper and told her about all of the other information I knew. I urged her to do a claires law check if she had any doubts about anything I was telling her, as everything would be on there.

She was receptive and thanked me for letting her know, said she was gobsmacked but wouldn't stand for any of that. She's a professional woman and has had dealings with domestic abuse in her work life.

Fast forward to now and they're all over social media loved up and going on weekend breaks.

AIBU to think she's stupid?

I know only too well how hard it is to break away from an abusive relationship when you've been together for a long time, but if I knew any of this when I met my abuser (different man) I would have been running for the hills.

You did the right thing, crazy to think that anyone would possibly think otherwise. Hopefully she realises sooner rather than later and gets away from him.

I think so too, it’s clearly her ex which I would understand much more about why you wanted to warn her and why you are so frustrated

Ops- my post above I misread OP as a friend of this woman.
Either way, there' nothing wrong with warning people. What they do with the information is on them.

4 of his children were removed from their mother because of violence toward her from him

no woman has hee children removed if she stays away from the man, and shows she’s able to protect them, not one. Social services and rhe police will support. If a woman has her kids removed it means she was not engaging and continuing to allow him involvement and not protecting her kids

Oh stop, OP isn't being abusive in the least - the woman IS stupid, any woman going into a relationship with the knowledge she has is totally and utterly stupid. I just hope she doesn't get to find out the hard way

Yes that's correct, she likely had plenty of opportunity to end the relationship and safeguard the children.

Perhaps If she had been warned so early on things may have been different? Who knows.

Either way he has no business hitting women, and babies in the process.

Are we not allowed to call fellow women stupid now or are they all helpless victims. You showed her cast iron evidence of his appalling violent behaviour and she chose to stay with him despite only dating for two weeks. Yes she’s stupid. Love bombing shouldn’t be used as an excuse for a woman’s bad life choices as it reinforces the image of how insipid, wet and weak we are when it comes to men and ‘romance’. 🤮 There’s plenty of examples on Mumsnet of needy wet women and it drives me mad - probably because I’ve been there myself and vowed to never again as it just makes me angry and ashamed of my own insipidness in the past.

I think you did the right and brave thing, @Wellyboots12

The woman may be too loved up to head what she now knows, but she'll be more likely to spot things that aren't right before it gets to the point where she is in real danger. Hopefully she'll be strong and financially independent enough to leave at that point.

You've done all you can.

People are talking about how this woman would feel if she saw this thread. Maybe it might give her the kick to realise she's being a fool and ignoring the fact a man who has a criminal record is now going on holidays with her. If she thinks she will be the one he doesn't beat up, she is severely mistaken. She could be the one that ends up dead.

Would you call the woman who has four children with him stupid? Yabu for calling her stupid.

If she was aware of what he'd done to previous partners, and children, when she met him then yes I would.

Or in my own case - if somebody had warned me that my ex would be an abusive rapist, when I met him, and I proceeded regardless of seeing concrete evidence of this. I would feel pretty stupid myself and wouldn't blame others for thinking it of me.

I do acknowledge that stupid was a harsh word to use and perhaps it's not fair to call somebody stupid. I woukdnt say that to her diredtly but can't help but think it.

It's not abuse to be frustrated on an anonymous internet forum. It must be horrible to see someone in danger like that, warn them and have your warning ignored and know that something horrible IS going to happen and there's nothing more you can do to prevent it.

OP, you did a really good thing and you probably have helped this woman. Even though she's not acting immediately, like PPs said you have planted that seed. I also find it hard to believe that a woman would willingly be with a man who is a convicted abuser after having been made aware of that fact. But it is what it is, I can see that people are likely to be defensive because nobody wants to think they've been duped. Even if she's deluding herself now, you may still have saved her considerable harm by putting her on alert so that she will be quicker to respond to the signs and less likely to forgive early incidents.

I hope she is able to get away without suffering too much harm first and good for you for doing your best to help.

You were right to warn her but that's all you can do really

Thanks for doing this OP. Society is the biggest and most effective preventer of violence.

I've just been reading the book about Malcolm Webster, the wife killer, after watching the tv programmes on C4. The book goes into a lot more detail about why he targetted the women he did and how some of the ones he was seeing at the same time have resumed writing to him now that he's in jail until he reaches 82 for murder/attempted murder.

These men study their victims, gradually erode their boundaries and drop anyone not "responsive" enough. Its really worrying that your friend is so far invested this soon, and I wonder if she had any childhood trauma that would have rendered her vulnerable. He's probably fed her a pack of lies already.

Could you go to the police and suggest they issue her with an Osman letter, especially since he has a criminal record of violence against women? I know the admin bar is high to achieve for the police, but it might be worth a go. An Osman letter is a letter to the potential victim delivered in person by the police stating that they think she is in danger from this particular individual.

As for the shoot the messenger types, I have no words. Gullibility is a form of stupidity when you put yourself at risk when you have free choice not to. For some reason, there are women out there who prefer to attack other women for warning them but not the person who is really putting them in danger.

I bet if you had reversed the sexes in your OP, the same posters would be clamouring to save the poor man at the hands of the deranged, dangerous woman...

Good for you for trying OP. She’s had the info and acknowledged it. You’ve done your best. Nothing more you can do and yes she’s stupid.

“Yes, she's stupid. People will tell you it's victim blaming and love bombing and manipulation tactics, but she was 2 weeks in and faced with irrefutable evidence.”

^Completely agree with this. I would have no sympathy for her.

If you know his violent behaviour then that’s your duty to tell that woman, and if she ignores it then she is stupid, especially 2 weeks in.

I do agree you absolutely did the right thing by telling her

She is stupid.

What do have against the word stupid being directed at a woman making bad choices when given hard evidence? The dictionary definition for stupid is:

Having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense.

I'm astounded and horrified by many posts on this thread attacking you either directly or indirectly for telling her OP. How depressing that this attitude is apparently so common.

Clare's law exists for exactly this reason - to try to prevent further harm by a violent man by arming women with the knowledge of his crimes. Of course you were right to warn her. From her response it is clear that she is deluded and believes that she can prevent it happening to her. This belief makes her vulnerable and sadly she will learn that she cannot protect herself. She's not stupid persay - but she is pursuing an undeniably stupid course of action by continuing to associate with him knowing what she now does.

I wish I'd known at the outset what my ex was like. I hope that if I'd known I would not have pursued the relationship.

MNetters tossing around phrases like "victim blaming" and "abusive" in an attempt to one-up the OP is getting really tedious, especially since neither of them apply here.

The woman is not a victim (yet) and the OP is not being abusive towards her by pointing out that she's stupid to ignore this man's past. She is being incredibly foolish, and I pray she doesn't have children. You did the right thing OP.

You tried to do the right thing and good for you for looking out for other women. Yes, I agree she's stupid, it's not like she was in a long term relationship and faced with this info - it was 2 weeks in, she could have just cut him off without a second thought. Frustrating but I'd just leave it now, you've done all you can.

I don't think it's harsh at all. And I would absolutely tell someone they're stupid to their face. If I said hey don't go in that house the floor is about to give way, and someone said oh no it's fine and they went in, I'd tell them they were bloody stupid and have zero sympathy if they broke their neck.