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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my 18 year old a deadline to move out?

274 replies

Myturnatlast · 12/05/2022 14:25

I've been a single mum to her for 10 years and we're incredibly close but DP and I want to move in together so things are going to have to change.
His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me but she's already said she wants to live on her own / with friends.
She's on quite a low wage though and I'm worried about how long it might take for her to find somewhere and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted.
I'm thinking of giving her a 6 month deadline to find somewhere or come and live with us (she gets on just fine with DP). Would I be unreasonable to do this?

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 13/05/2022 00:22

worriedatthistime · 13/05/2022 00:05

I think many have read the title and not what you mean
You have said there is room at your dp and that she is welcome. So what you need to do is tell her you are moving in on xyz date and then its up to her if she moves with you or chooses to find a place with friemds etc

You are very much under-estimating people’s reading comprehension skills.

People know exactly what the OP is offering her daughter, and still - rightly - think she is being unreasonable.

The OP’s DD has a ‘choice’ alright.

It’s to move in with a stranger - someone her Mum has known for all of 5(!) months, and with whom the DD might ostensibly like well enough, but does not know at all.

Or, move out and become self-sufficient on minimum wage and with zero life experience.

Quite the ‘choice’.

Like choosing between herpes or gonorrhea ** ….

** That’s an analogy before anyone misinterprets it… 😑

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2022 00:25

Considering based on other threads OP's DD gave her nice treats on her birthday this year while her boyfriend of a few months, presumably on best behaviour, did sod all (not even a bunch of flowers despite apparently being generous) and it upset her... OP is probably backing the wrong horse here when it comes to who is likely to be in her life for the long term.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 13/05/2022 00:36

Don't move in with him and don't ask him to move in with you. You don't know him well enough and what you do know is that he does the bare minimum in relationship terms. Giving up living with your DD for a man like this, shows you have rubbish boundaries and poor decision making; and that he is the type of man who will exploit that and you.
Tell him you're not moving for at least another year. See his response. And be glad you raised your DD with more sense than you're currently showing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2022 00:47

Giving up living with your DD for a man like this, shows you have rubbish boundaries and poor decision making; and that he is the type of man who will exploit that and you. Tell him you're not moving for at least another year. See his response.

This is very sensible advice OP.

beachcitygirl · 13/05/2022 00:48

You and your daughter are absolutely not close. Yabvvu
I feel sorry for her.

NotMushroomInEre · 13/05/2022 00:53

The only reason why you are being unreasonable, which I did not vote that way, is by giving her 6 months. She is 18 years old. Your happiness is important too. If you are ready to move in with your partner, then do it. Your daughter can then decide on whether to move in with you, she has that option, or sort herself out.

Notcontent · 13/05/2022 01:10

I am a lone parent to a 16 year old. I cannot, in a million years, envisage this scenario.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 13/05/2022 01:12

I've not read all the thread as it's not loading properly but I have an 18 year old and can't imagine putting a time limit on when has to go.

NotMushroomInEre · 13/05/2022 01:26

Honestly, people are bashing the OP with 'I have a 12 year old and I could never imagine throwing my other 6 year old child out to the gutter in any situation'. This isn't the situation! The OP has an adult child who has been given the option of moving in with her mum and the mum's partner. The 18 year old has refused. That is her choice as an adult. She obviously wants to be independent. I wouldn't even be giving the 6 months grace. Well done OP for allowing your adult child to think about autonomy and responsibility. It could all go tits up for her, but I'm pretty sure she'd have a home with you whenever she needed it.

NotMushroomInEre · 13/05/2022 01:28

Or maybe just put your life on hold until she is 42?

milkyaqua · 13/05/2022 01:44

She obviously wants to be independent.

I think it's more, Mum has a dodgy new boyfriend and her daughter who is just 18 is not mad keen on the idea of moving in with the new boyfriend of just 5 months...

NotMushroomInEre · 13/05/2022 01:51

@milkyaqua where does it say that in the OP? I admit I haven't read the whole thread, but I've seen all the OP's posts and it doesn't state a time of them being together, nor does it suggest that mum's partner is dodgy? Apologies if I've missed something

SomersetONeil · 13/05/2022 01:54

NotMushroomInEre · 13/05/2022 01:51

@milkyaqua where does it say that in the OP? I admit I haven't read the whole thread, but I've seen all the OP's posts and it doesn't state a time of them being together, nor does it suggest that mum's partner is dodgy? Apologies if I've missed something

Read the thread - it’s all in there.

milkyaqua · 13/05/2022 02:12

NotMushroomInEre · 13/05/2022 01:51

@milkyaqua where does it say that in the OP? I admit I haven't read the whole thread, but I've seen all the OP's posts and it doesn't state a time of them being together, nor does it suggest that mum's partner is dodgy? Apologies if I've missed something

It's from her thread about her disappointing 50th birthday and non-gifts from the new boyfriend, linked in the thread.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4524590-Time-to-lower-expectations-re-my-birthday

SpangledShambles · 13/05/2022 02:26

My DPs always said to me, as long as I have a home it’s yours. I say the same to my DCs. Nothing is more important than children. 18 is very young indeed. Sad post.

NotMushroomInEre · 13/05/2022 02:30

@milkyaqua @SomersetONeil and everyone else, I apologise for my flippant and sarcastic comments. Reading that link puts things into a different perspective.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 13/05/2022 03:06

If you do do this. Get your daughter a lock for her door. She deserves to feel safe and men are often not safe. Not for young women especially.

hd3nn40 · 13/05/2022 04:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BorisJohnsonatemyhampster · 13/05/2022 04:36

’Partner’ of five months i.e 20 weeks? How on Earth is this relationship ‘partner’ worthy?

I always feel sorry for kids who’s parents can’t wait to push them out at 18 or who start demanding rent the minute they get their first Saturday job. She’s on a low wage and you want to encourage her to leave home and pay rent? You should be encouraging her to get qualifications and start moving in to better paid jobs.

Also moving in with her mums new squeeze is not a good option so she currently has no choice but to leave.

BorisJohnsonatemyhampster · 13/05/2022 04:40

And of course the DD has said she wants to live with her friends. At 18 that would have been a far better alternative to moving in with some bloke my mums been seeing for 20 weeks. I can only imagine the things her mates are saying about him.

PAFMO · 13/05/2022 06:35

Theluggage15 · 12/05/2022 21:54

I’m amazed at the people who seem to be as nasty as the OP. Poor kids, your mum wants a shag, time to piss off.

I don't think there are as many of them as the usernames seem to suggest. Wink

PAFMO · 13/05/2022 06:38

milkyaqua · 13/05/2022 02:12

It's from her thread about her disappointing 50th birthday and non-gifts from the new boyfriend, linked in the thread.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4524590-Time-to-lower-expectations-re-my-birthday

Show quote history

Don't forget the other thread where OP moaned about the daughter being "euwww" about her mum having sex with the new bloke when she was in the house which was unreasonable because the OP let the daughter have sex once she was 16.
The reason the daughter was U apparently was because she was now single and therefore jealous (presumably) or some such utter tosh.

LoveSpringDaffs · 13/05/2022 06:57

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/05/2022 23:22

@LoveSpringDaffs

”Think carefully... please. For the sake of your little one.”

get a grip!

OP’s daughter is 18 years old, a young adult!

setting aside the whole 5 months issue, op isn’t kicking her daughter out- daughter is choosing herself to go

@LuckySantangelo35
🙄🙄

it wasn't me that said it!!! It was the person I quoted!

Onwards22 · 13/05/2022 07:21

setting aside the whole 5 months issue, op isn’t kicking her daughter out- daughter is choosing herself to go

Well the 5 months is a big issue so it doesn’t need to be set aside.

And her DD isn’t choosing to leave.
Her options are to live with a strange man or move out - that’s not a choice.

She will still be in full time education.
She is still very young.
She’s on a low wage.
OPs been with her bf for 5 months.
No parent would think it’s a good idea to move in and force their child to move out in these circumstances.

As a PP said OP has very poor boundaries and now she has a new bf after 10 years has some sort of issue with her DD.
It sounds like she’s being love bombed.

If OP is so sure that this relationship will last then why not just wait 6 months and then decide whether to move in or not.
You cannot move in with someone after only 5 months when you have DCs.

Evilcountspatula · 13/05/2022 07:22

Hmmm I take back my earlier post, a five month relationship cannot possibly be classified as partner material, your poor DD. On balance, the wording in your op does come across as resentful, how on earth is it relevant that you’ve been a single parent to your daughter for ten years as if she should acknowledge and be grateful for this? And thinking of your financial future with a man you barely know seems like madness.