Page 11 | To give my 18 year old a deadline to move out?

Myturnatlast · 2022-05-12T13:25:08+00:00

I've been a single mum to her for 10 years and we're incredibly close but DP and I want to move in together so things are going to have to change. His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me but she's already said she wants to live on her own / with friends. She's on quite a low wage though and I'm worried about how long it might take for her to find somewhere and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted. I'm thinking of giving her a 6 month deadline to find somewhere or come and live with us (she gets on just fine with DP). Would I be unreasonable to do this?

Flaminggflames · 13/05/2022 14:06

Nothing wrong with moving in with your partner and it’s fine if she wants to come but also she can get her own place. I don’t understand why it would be a problem. She’s an adult and you need to put yourself first!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2022 14:34

@Flaminggflames

She isn't even putting herself first in a sensible way moving in with a man she's known for 20 weeks. Even if she was single, leaving a property she part owns (based on her previous thread) to do this is absolute madness this soon.

Let alone when it's likely to damage her relationship with a daughter who she says is lovely and mutually supportive emotionally.

MrsBlaue · 13/05/2022 14:48

Of course you are perfectly reasonable to want to pursue your own happiness! Your daughter is an adult now and you are not kicking her out in any case. Go for it, here’s to some lovely times ahead🍹☀

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2022 14:50

MrsBlaue · 13/05/2022 14:48

Of course you are perfectly reasonable to want to pursue your own happiness! Your daughter is an adult now and you are not kicking her out in any case. Go for it, here’s to some lovely times ahead🍹☀

She's known him five months...

FooFighter99 · 13/05/2022 15:04

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FooFighter99 · 13/05/2022 15:04

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FooFighter99 · 13/05/2022 15:05

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JessicaLL · 13/05/2022 15:36

Words fail me. Put your child first.

JessicaLL · 13/05/2022 15:40

Theluggage15 · 12/05/2022 21:54

I’m amazed at the people who seem to be as nasty as the OP. Poor kids, your mum wants a shag, time to piss off.

Agree

AchatAVendre · 13/05/2022 15:47

How old were you when you left home OP?

My father tried this schtick when I was nearing 18, fortunately my mother told him to put a lid on it, but overall I felt unwelcome and fortunately was able to get into university and university accommodation that year. He then tried to say I should pay "digs money" when I was at home in the holidays, so I ended up getting holiday jobs with accommodation included. It ruined any relationship we had and I basically never spoke to him again after age 20. Its really difficult to organise all that yourself at age 18.

I then late realised that he himself had been 25 when he left home, which was when moved in with my mum.

jamoncrumpets · 13/05/2022 15:54

EvilPea · 13/05/2022 10:32

Surely it really depends on the (adult) child and the relationship.
some children will be utterly taking the piss, remaining immature, expecting mummy and daddy to do everything and pay everything as if they were still 5.

some children have a really balanced relationship with give and take on both sides and it works well into adulthood.

18 and these economic climate, I wouldn’t be pushing any child to move out, unless it was completely untenable. It’s where debt and lack of future prospects lies.

Or they might be neurodiverse and struggle with a lot of things and still need quite a lot of help and support.

Hollygolightly86 · 13/05/2022 16:24

AchatAVendre · 13/05/2022 15:47

How old were you when you left home OP?

My father tried this schtick when I was nearing 18, fortunately my mother told him to put a lid on it, but overall I felt unwelcome and fortunately was able to get into university and university accommodation that year. He then tried to say I should pay "digs money" when I was at home in the holidays, so I ended up getting holiday jobs with accommodation included. It ruined any relationship we had and I basically never spoke to him again after age 20. Its really difficult to organise all that yourself at age 18.

I then late realised that he himself had been 25 when he left home, which was when moved in with my mum.

I was 18 when I left home, went to uni for 3 years & never went back, I didn’t need or want to, same situation with lots of my friends so adults do leave home at 18.

AchatAVendre · 13/05/2022 17:03

Hollygolightly86 · 13/05/2022 16:24

I was 18 when I left home, went to uni for 3 years & never went back, I didn’t need or want to, same situation with lots of my friends so adults do leave home at 18.

Show quote history

Going to university is a very protected way of leaving home. Its not like renting a flat on our own and suddenly learning how to pay bills. For most its staying in halls of residence, with all bills included and often meals 3 times per day, in first year at least, with a huge number of people in the same situation to ask for advice and guidance from.

Hollygolightly86 · 13/05/2022 17:09

AchatAVendre · 13/05/2022 17:03

Going to university is a very protected way of leaving home. Its not like renting a flat on our own and suddenly learning how to pay bills. For most its staying in halls of residence, with all bills included and often meals 3 times per day, in first year at least, with a huge number of people in the same situation to ask for advice and guidance from.

Show quote history

I had a flat, halls were too cramped. I had to sort all the bill/outgoings alone, I certainly didn’t get 3 meals a day. I managed just fine & it really wasn’t that difficult or daunting, it was definitely not a protected way of leaving home I just stayed in full time education rather than a full time job.
I certainly never felt entitled to live in my parents home indefinitely

Sushi7 · 13/05/2022 20:28

@Hollygolightly86 had a flat, halls were too cramped. I had to sort all the bill/outgoings alone, I certainly didn’t get 3 meals a day. I managed just fine & it really wasn’t that difficult or daunting, it was definitely not a protected way of leaving home

I went to Uni but stayed in Halls. I had no financial support (just my student loan). I had to pay rent, buy my groceries, cook 3 meals, buy my essentials and books etc.

How did you afford a flat on your own?? You sound very privileged. OP seems to be prioritising her brand new bf over her Dd. Her only choices are either moving out and barely making ends meet or moving in with a stranger and losing her childhood home.

Hollygolightly86 · 13/05/2022 20:36

Sushi7 · 13/05/2022 20:28

@Hollygolightly86 had a flat, halls were too cramped. I had to sort all the bill/outgoings alone, I certainly didn’t get 3 meals a day. I managed just fine & it really wasn’t that difficult or daunting, it was definitely not a protected way of leaving home

I went to Uni but stayed in Halls. I had no financial support (just my student loan). I had to pay rent, buy my groceries, cook 3 meals, buy my essentials and books etc.

How did you afford a flat on your own?? You sound very privileged. OP seems to be prioritising her brand new bf over her Dd. Her only choices are either moving out and barely making ends meet or moving in with a stranger and losing her childhood home.

What difference does it make I was just pointing out that people do leave home at 18 & that I managed adulting just fine, my parents prepared me properly to be independent

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/05/2022 20:50

Hollygolightly86 · 13/05/2022 17:09

I had a flat, halls were too cramped. I had to sort all the bill/outgoings alone, I certainly didn’t get 3 meals a day. I managed just fine & it really wasn’t that difficult or daunting, it was definitely not a protected way of leaving home I just stayed in full time education rather than a full time job.
I certainly never felt entitled to live in my parents home indefinitely

Show quote history

Uni is definitely more protected. I left home at 17 to work full time and lived in a shared house as I couldn't afford my own place. The bloke upstairs sold drugs, the woman in the room next door to me had an abusive boyfriend and I had to call the police when I heard her screaming because he hit her. I'll always hold some resentment for my mum and stepdad for making me so unwelcome in their house that I had to go and live in those circumstances. I will always make sure my own DS feels welcome at home so he won't go through that.

RampantIvy · 14/05/2022 07:37

Here we go again.
For the posters who were emotionally mature enough to leave home and be totally independent at 18 or younger - there are 18 year olds who aren't. This doesn't always have anything to do with how they are brought up.

Some young people don't mature as quickly as others. Some don't automatically become mature responsible adults on their 18th birthdays. Who knew

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2022 08:10

I still don’t see why he can’t move in with you @Myturnatlast

so dd still in own home

you don’t lose the security of your home

he can rent his out

And see how things go

but as I said previously dh and I moved in after 6mths together. It felt right

slso as regular posters know that my 1st dh died previously and I know sadly life is too short snd tomorrow doesn’t sadly always come

tho I did have a few friends who were worried for me incase too soon

tho they didn’t feel the same way about another friend who moved in with bf after 6mths around same time as me , and she got divorced same time as I was widowed

so kinda double standards but equally I understood my friends were looking out fir me

but all is fine. Been together 10yrs. Now married and have dd5

if I had a child would I have done things differently. Possibly. I don’t know and can’t answer that

i just know it was right for us

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2022 08:10

I still don’t see why he can’t move in with you @Myturnatlast

so dd still in own home

you don’t lose the security of your home

he can rent his out

And see how things go

but as I said previously dh and I moved in after 6mths together. It felt right

slso as regular posters know that my 1st dh died previously and I know sadly life is too short snd tomorrow doesn’t sadly always come

tho I did have a few friends who were worried for me incase too soon

tho they didn’t feel the same way about another friend who moved in with bf after 6mths around same time as me , and she got divorced same time as I was widowed

so kinda double standards but equally I understood my friends were looking out fir me

but all is fine. Been together 10yrs. Now married and have dd5

if I had a child would I have done things differently. Possibly. I don’t know and can’t answer that

i just know it was right for us

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2022 08:12

I still don’t see why he can’t move in with you @Myturnatlast

so dd still in own home

you don’t lose the security of your home

he can rent his out

And see how things go

but as I said previously dh and I moved in after 6mths together. It felt right

slso as regular posters know that my
1st dh died previously and I know sadly
life is too short snd tomorrow doesn’t sadly always come

tho I did have a few friends who were worried for me incase
too soon

tho they didn’t feel the same way about another friend who moved in with bf after 6mths around same time as me , and she got divorced same time as I was widowed

so kinda double standards but equally I understood my friends were looking out fir me

but all is fine. Been together 10yrs. Now married and have dd5

if I had a child would I have done things differently. Possibly. I don’t know and can’t answer that

i just know it was right for us

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2022 08:13

I still don’t see why he can’t move in with you @Myturnatlast

so dd still in own home

you don’t lose the security of your home

he can rent his out

And see how things go

but as I said previously dh and I moved in after 6mths together. It felt right

slso as regular posters know that my
1st dh died previously and I know sadly
life is too short snd tomorrow doesn’t sadly always come

tho I did have a few friends who were worried for me incase
too soon

tho they didn’t feel the same way about another friend who moved in with bf after 6mths around same time as me , and she got divorced same time as I was widowed

so kinda double standards but equally I understood my friends were looking out fir me

but all is fine. Been together 10yrs. Now married and have dd5

if I had a child would I have done things differently. Possibly. I don’t know and can’t answer that

i just know it was right for us

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2022 08:13

I still don’t see why he can’t move in with you @Myturnatlast

so dd still in own home

you don’t lose the security of your home

he can rent his out

And see how things go

but as I said previously dh and I moved in after 6mths together. It felt right

slso as regular posters know that my
1st dh died previously and I know sadly
life is too short snd tomorrow doesn’t sadly always come

tho I did have a few friends who were worried for me incase
too soon

tho they didn’t feel the same way about another friend who moved in with bf after 6mths around same time as me , and she got divorced same time as I was widowed

so kinda double standards but equally I understood my friends were looking out fir me

but all is fine. Been together 10yrs. Now married and have dd5

if I had a child would I have done things differently. Possibly. I don’t know and can’t answer that

i just know it was right for us

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2022 08:14

ffs. It said was an error and didn’t post

seems it dud. 5 times 😱😱😂😂