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Original poster

Time to lower expectations re. my birthday?

36 replies

Myturnatlast · 08/04/2022 08:50

My 50th was in lockdown and I did nothing which was disappointing but I did get lots of lovely messages and cards which sweetened the day.

My 51st this year and my lovely daughter made lots of fuss of me, and again I had lovely messages, texts, etc. But my friends, and (newish - 4 months in) boyfriend didn't make any fuss of me really and I'm feeling sad about it. My usually very generous boyfriend didn't even buy me a gift, just a card and a couple of drinks.

I do blame myself for telling everyone I was just happy that people thought of me on my birthday but I didn't expect this little fuss, although looking back it's only ever been my daughter, my sister and my ExH (for all his faults) who made my day special.

Is it time for me to grow the hell up and stop expecting people to make a fuss of me? It's only a birthday, everyone has them and I guess I need to get used to the fact that at my age not many people are going to be as excited about it as I am.

Still a bit gutted that my fella only got me a card but don't want to look grabby by bringing it up as I'm not materialistic at all, a £1 bunch of daffs would have been better than nothing! If we're still together next year I'll be making sure he knows I expect at least something though...

OP posts:
StrangeCondition · 08/04/2022 08:59

Well you do sound a little silly for wanting to be made a fuss of, it wasn't like it was a special birthday this year. Plus your boyfriend is relatively new, I wouldn't expect much from a boyfriend of 4 months and at least he got you card and took you for a drink

Cotherstone · 08/04/2022 09:01

Is it time for me to grow the hell up and stop expecting people to make a fuss of me?

Yep. It's just a day. It's nice to get a few presents, it's nice to go out for dinner or see friends, but you can't expect that every single year.

Namechangeforthis88 · 08/04/2022 09:02

I'd be surprised if any of my friends knew when my birthday was.

The only time I've marked birthdays with friends (since schooldays) would be if the birthday person organised something themselves for a milestone birthday. Gifts not involved, just attendance and drinks. I organised something for my 30th, people came, possibly came gave me a bottle of something.

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Events & celebrations
NutCheeseBag · 08/04/2022 09:17

I haven’t had a birthday card for years, and nothing special for any of my “big” birthdays since I had kids. It just seems childish and grabby to expect anyone to care when you were born, really. I doubt any of my friends would know when it is, and I don’t have parents or siblings left.

If I wanted to do something I’d arrange it/buy it myself.

Original poster
Myturnatlast · 08/04/2022 09:25

Yes, you're all right and this was exactly the reality check I needed Smile

I will plan something nice for my own birthday next year, and if anyone wishes to add to that it will be welcome but not expected.

Actually feel relieved that I was being ridiculous and I don't have to worry about it any more - I'm such an overthinker!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 08/04/2022 09:26

You got a card and some drinks.

If you want some flowers etc, just buy them.

Makes life so much easier because you just have to do the same (card and drinks) when it's his birthday and it frees you from wracking your brains as to what to get him. Less stress, no wasted money, time and resources exchanging things that aren't quite right or no-one wants.

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2022 09:30

Well you got some nice messages and your dd made it nice for you what else did you expect ? I mean your boyfriend could have given you a gift imo but it does sound like people thought of you. Fwiw I had my 50th in lockdown I had plans and it was nice enough but anticlimactic but I think the moment has passed and 51 will just be a usual birthday, maybe you are feeling meh about your 50th and not being able to celebrate properly.

Original poster
Myturnatlast · 08/04/2022 09:38

@BarbaraofSeville
when it's his birthday and it frees you from wracking your brains as to what to get him
Very good point! Grin

@Mrsjayy
maybe you are feeling meh about your 50th and not being able to celebrate properly.
I think you're bang on here - I really need to get over it now!

OP posts:
Forevergold2838 · 08/04/2022 09:39

I think it's not too much to expect a small gift off you partner as for the rest I think that yes, unfortunately it's time to lower your expectations and also be grateful you've had lovely birthdays with lots of fuss in the past.

Mrsjayy · 08/04/2022 09:42

maybe you are feeling meh about your 50th and not being able to celebrate properly.
I think you're bang on here - I really need to get over it now!

Mine was rubbish too, treat yourself go somewhere nice with your daughter really spoil yourself it won't make up for it but your spirits might be lifted Flowers

NoSquirrels · 08/04/2022 09:44

stop expecting people to make a fuss of me

I think you only get a fuss if you make it clear you want a fuss! And as you told everyone the opposite…

Plan a celebration for yourself if you want to celebrate - a meal out, invite your mates etc.

SparklingLime · 08/04/2022 09:44

Your boyfriend is setting a precedent by giving you absolutely nothing. Flowers or something small would is not too much to expect.

Chilledchablis1 · 08/04/2022 09:44

In MN world you are considered weird/ grabby etc to expect anyone to acknowledge your birthday if you are over 10. Meanwhile in my world ( and everyone I know) birthdays are acknowledged with cards and/ or gifts and possibly a meal . Big birthdays are special occasions.
My birthday was 2 weeks after I met my now husband and he arrived at my house with flowers and a card .

MinesATriple · 08/04/2022 09:47

A few drinks as in you were in the pub anyway and he bought an extra round, or a few drinks in that he took you out or bought you bottles to open?

Maybe circumvent this in future by inviting people round/out for your birthday. You'll feel so much happier for it.

notacooldad · 08/04/2022 09:53

Actually I disagree with 'it's only a birthday'
Every year mine is usually a week long celebration and why not?
I go out for a meal with DH and adult kids, I have a meal out with a group of friends and I also have a meal out with one other friend who lives further a way. I get nice presents and I love having my cards up. Me and Dh usually go away for the weekend before or after my birthday.

However I love birthdays and like buying my friends nice presents and taking my children out for a meal on theirs and buying them something that is a treat to them that they would like but can't quite afford on their birthdays.

I think it is silly when people say ' oh I don't want a fuss' but clearly expect something. I have a mother who does that.

If someone said ' oh no fuss for me, it's only another birthday' I would respect that and take them at their word ( except my mum, I'd never here the end of it!!)

Mysteryclub · 08/04/2022 09:53

You can’t expect people to make a fuss on your 51st birthday, that ridiculous. Especially after you told them not to!
It’s reeks of attention seeking, probably why you then posted about it on here

skippy67 · 08/04/2022 09:55

My birthday is in June and just this morning I was giving my husband ideas as to what I'd like to do for it. I want to be made a fuss of on my birthday and I make sure my dh and dc know it! "Special" birthday or not.😊

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 08/04/2022 10:01

You can lower your expectations or you can up your game.

In my friendship group we remember each others' birthdays, and I don't think you're being unreasonable to want people to make a bit of a fuss.

But we, and most (not all) of this friendship group, generally make an effort to arrange a celebration on or around the day. BBQ, drink in the pub, dinner out/in kind of thing, depending on budget, the weather, numbers, work and family commitments, lockdown rules etc. Not a rigid, formal arrangement every birthday, every year, but just when it fits, and obviously often enough to service as Pavlovian training and get the dates on the calendar.

TotallyTS · 08/04/2022 10:03

I actually disagree with lots of the comments here. I really don't think it's wrong to hope that a boyfriend would buy you something for your birthday. I think it's thoughtless unless you have heavily downplayed your birthday in front of him and convinced him you don't celebrate it.

As for friends, it varies with mine. Some I always do gifts and cards with. Others, we might have a night out but not necessarily gifts.

I think we all need to try and define what we want a bit more. It's ok to have a conversation with your boyfriend about birthdays, Christmas, v day etc What does he do, what do you do. It saves a lot of frustration and upset if you both know what the other wants/is able to offer around celebrations.

My partner knows I'm not fussed about valentines but I like flowers. I do want a little bit of hoopla on my birthday. He's not as fussed but he gets it anyway.

SisterRuth · 08/04/2022 10:04

I love my birthday and friends & family get plenty of reminders to make a fuss. I love their birthdays too, but mine's about meeeeee! Grin

daisyjgrey · 08/04/2022 10:05

Fucking hell, nothing more depressing than people on MN talking about how birthdays don't matter. "Why would anyone care about the day you were born?" "I haven't had a card in years" etc.

What miserable lives people lead.

TulaOfDarkWater · 08/04/2022 10:08

Do you make a fuss for your friends birthdays?

rookiemere · 08/04/2022 10:10

I had my 50th in lockdown, my 51st in semi lockdown and this year I have what I think is covid( birthday was on Wednesday) along with DH and DS.
It sounds like your DD did make a thing of it, but you're probably disappointed by your BF. I guess a birthday 4 months into a relationship is tricky but I'd have anticipated a bit more as well.

WombatChocolate · 08/04/2022 10:15

I think there’s a balance.

Even an adult can expect a gift and some kind of small treat at some point in the birthday week from their partner, unless there’s a good reason for it. It to happen. Doesn’t have to be a big deal, but some kind of small gift and perhaps a meal out or takeaway or similar.

I agree that there’s something childlike and overly self indulgent when adults need a big fuss made. I had a work colleague who always took the day off for her birthday and her DH did too. She expected (and received) lots of gifts, meal out, often weekend away, visits from adult children. It was a big deal for her. But this reflected the fact she was a bit childlike and things like birthdays counted a lot, because there wasn’t a huge amount going on in her life or bigger stuff to think about. I think it’s often like that when people become overly obsessed with something like a birthday or having a ridiculous hen do or baby shower. It’s people who need a lot of affirmation for whom these things matter so much.

That’s not the same as saying people shouldn’t acknowledge birthdays or that close family or possibly friends shouldn’t acknowledge it. But it is just another day and life carries on.

notacooldad · 08/04/2022 10:19

I've not long posted but wanted to add that I know my birthday is all about me!
However my friends enjoy celebrating theirs as well and I like being part of their day. My friend's birthday is in two weeks time and it's not an 0 one but we are going into Manchester for cocktails and staying over. We've planned this for a couple of months. Another friend has arranged axe throwing, pizza and beers for my birthday in a few months time. We are going wakeboarding in May for another friend's birthday. These things may not be everyone's cup of tea but for us it's fun, we will have a laugh and it's a chance for us to make an effort to get together and enjoy ourselves. After all we don't know how many more we are going to have or who won't be around to have theirs.

Why not celebrate and have fun and be vibrant rather than invisible.
I'm not saying have everyone round if that's not your buzz, just have your close family treat you but don't expect them to read your mind.

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