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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my 18 year old a deadline to move out?

274 replies

Myturnatlast · 12/05/2022 14:25

I've been a single mum to her for 10 years and we're incredibly close but DP and I want to move in together so things are going to have to change.
His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me but she's already said she wants to live on her own / with friends.
She's on quite a low wage though and I'm worried about how long it might take for her to find somewhere and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted.
I'm thinking of giving her a 6 month deadline to find somewhere or come and live with us (she gets on just fine with DP). Would I be unreasonable to do this?

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/05/2022 07:25

PAFMO · 13/05/2022 06:38

Don't forget the other thread where OP moaned about the daughter being "euwww" about her mum having sex with the new bloke when she was in the house which was unreasonable because the OP let the daughter have sex once she was 16.
The reason the daughter was U apparently was because she was now single and therefore jealous (presumably) or some such utter tosh.

Show quote history

Wow. OP really sounds resentful of her daughter getting in the way of her love life.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 07:26

Skidaramink · 12/05/2022 23:59

"don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely"

I think this is really sad. Your children come before you (or at least they should). She's still so young.

Why should your children come before you?

Especially when they are 18 years +

whether you’re a child or an adult, you’re both people, both of equal importance

LoveSpringDaffs · 13/05/2022 07:27

@LuckySantangelo35 and YOU have quoted their full comment, I didn't? So you obviously read their post

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/05/2022 07:28

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 07:26

Why should your children come before you?

Especially when they are 18 years +

whether you’re a child or an adult, you’re both people, both of equal importance

Show quote history

Your children's WANTS don't necessarily have to come before yours. But their NEEDS do.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 07:30

SpangledShambles · 13/05/2022 02:26

My DPs always said to me, as long as I have a home it’s yours. I say the same to my DCs. Nothing is more important than children. 18 is very young indeed. Sad post.

@SpangledShambles

how long then do you think OP has to put her life on hold?

until her daughter did 21? 30? 42? 60?

I don’t think moving in with a 5 month boyfriend is the best move, but setting that aside, OP deserves to prioritise her own happiness at some point in her life surely?

No…?

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 07:31

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/05/2022 07:28

Your children's WANTS don't necessarily have to come before yours. But their NEEDS do.

Show quote history

@Waxonwaxoff0

why?

LoveSpringDaffs · 13/05/2022 07:34

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/05/2022 00:25

Considering based on other threads OP's DD gave her nice treats on her birthday this year while her boyfriend of a few months, presumably on best behaviour, did sod all (not even a bunch of flowers despite apparently being generous) and it upset her... OP is probably backing the wrong horse here when it comes to who is likely to be in her life for the long term.

Well, I'm not advance searching every poster before replying on a thread, but if what people are saying is what's she's posted previously then she needs her head read, but she's clearly posting for justification of her idiotic decisions IF she's omitting half the facts. People do do that, mad, but true.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 07:42

No one has answered me as to what age you can start to prioritise your own wants/needs over your children?

surely people don’t continue to “put them first” when son or daughter is say 28??

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2022 07:51

LuckySantangelo35 On mn it’s probably 62

mn don’t charge other adults to live in their house
baby off spring in their 20s but
there 3 year old can make dinner and win mater chef 👨‍🍳

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/05/2022 09:52

Where does it say op has been with her partner for 5mths

and that’s too soon to move in

how long should someone wait before moving in

I get with kids it slightly diff

but my then partner moved in with me after 6mths

10yrs on we are married and have our own 5yr

jamoncrumpets · 13/05/2022 09:58

I was very emotionally and socially immature at 18. This would have broken me.

EvilPea · 13/05/2022 10:32

Surely it really depends on the (adult) child and the relationship.
some children will be utterly taking the piss, remaining immature, expecting mummy and daddy to do everything and pay everything as if they were still 5.

some children have a really balanced relationship with give and take on both sides and it works well into adulthood.

18 and these economic climate, I wouldn’t be pushing any child to move out, unless it was completely untenable. It’s where debt and lack of future prospects lies.

PinkSyCo · 13/05/2022 10:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 07:42

No one has answered me as to what age you can start to prioritise your own wants/needs over your children?

surely people don’t continue to “put them first” when son or daughter is say 28??

I think I would always prioritise my child over a man I’d known for 5 months, particularly an unselfish, teenage child who I was very close to.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 10:49

PinkSyCo · 13/05/2022 10:38

I think I would always prioritise my child over a man I’d known for 5 months, particularly an unselfish, teenage child who I was very close to.

Show quote history

@PinkSyCo

really? So if your son/daughter was say 31 and still living with you and you were wanting to move in with your partner and son/daughter didn’t want to, you would put them first and not do it? Really?

Onwards22 · 13/05/2022 11:21

Why should your children come before you?

I really hope you don’t have children.

Your children should come before you because you chose to have them. they didn’t ask to be put in a situation.

An 18 year old is still in FT education or just out of it and OP has said they’re on a very low wage so will struggle.

Your adult children should not trump your happiness but caring more about your vagina than how your 18 year old is going to pay her rent makes you a terrible parent.

OP can spend as much time as she wants with her new bf, her DD isn’t stopping her but when you have children you don’t move in with someone you barely know.

PinkSyCo · 13/05/2022 11:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 10:49

@PinkSyCo

really? So if your son/daughter was say 31 and still living with you and you were wanting to move in with your partner and son/daughter didn’t want to, you would put them first and not do it? Really?

Show quote history

As much as I love my kids I would really hope that they would not still be living with me at 31!

SomersetONeil · 13/05/2022 11:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 07:42

No one has answered me as to what age you can start to prioritise your own wants/needs over your children?

surely people don’t continue to “put them first” when son or daughter is say 28??

Come on.

I answered it upthread.

Most normal people balance everyone’s wants and needs perfectly happily. It’s really not difficult.

fUNNYfACE36 · 13/05/2022 11:45

@LuckySantangelo35

That is how the human race, or any species for that matter, survive. By the parent putting their children's needs before their own

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2022 11:53

That is how the human race, or any species for that matter, survive. By the parent putting their children's needs before their own

children, not adults that are being infantised

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 12:03

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2022 11:53

That is how the human race, or any species for that matter, survive. By the parent putting their children's needs before their own

children, not adults that are being infantised

EXACTLY!!

PinkSyCo · 13/05/2022 12:16

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2022 11:53

That is how the human race, or any species for that matter, survive. By the parent putting their children's needs before their own

children, not adults that are being infantised

You don’t suddenly become a mature adult on your 18th birthday though. I suspect people who think this way only have young children, and I would hope that they are not going to expect their kids to be emotionally mature enough to fend for themselves, no matter what, as soon as they hit 18.

Sushi7 · 13/05/2022 12:17

How long have you been with your bf? Do you own the house you live in? If so, why would you give this up just so you can move into DP’s house? What if you split up? You’ll be screwed.

Also, she’s 18 so of course she’s on a “low wage”! She probably wouldn’t want to move out this young if you hadn’t decided to move to your bf’s place. You can meet up with your bf whenever. Why force your Dd to move into your bf’s house or struggle financially? Put your Dd first.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 12:33

@PinkSyCo

But OP isn’t expecting that is she?

She’s invited her daughter to come and live with her and her partner.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/05/2022 12:45

Could he come and live with you to begin with and him rent out his place

or dd stay where you live and pay the rent /mortgage with a friend

PinkSyCo · 13/05/2022 14:02

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2022 12:33

@PinkSyCo

But OP isn’t expecting that is she?

She’s invited her daughter to come and live with her and her partner.

Yes but not many 18 year olds would feel comfortable moving in with a man they hardly know.

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