To give my 18 year old a deadline to move out?

[Myturnatlast]

I've been a single mum to her for 10 years and we're incredibly close but DP and I want to move in together so things are going to have to change.
His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me but she's already said she wants to live on her own / with friends.
She's on quite a low wage though and I'm worried about how long it might take for her to find somewhere and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted.
I'm thinking of giving her a 6 month deadline to find somewhere or come and live with us (she gets on just fine with DP). Would I be unreasonable to do this?

People need to read the OPs post properly 🙄

YANBU

Well that changes my opinion completely. I don't blame DD for not wanting to move in with a man you've been with for such a short amount of time, you barely know someone after 5 months.

I read it properly and said YANBU until the post about OP only being with her partner for 5 months. An 18 year old girl not wanting to move in with a practical stranger is fair enough, it's not like he's been a stepfather figure for years or something. I wouldn't give my child an ultimatum like that for someone I'd only been with for such a short amount of time.

If she was 15 and you wanted to move in with DP, as long as she's OK with it, there wouldn't be an issue. She'd move with you and that would be it, if it works out you both stay, if it doesn't you both leave together. Even though she's now technically an adult, I'd play it exactly the same way, and if she moves out because she wants to live on her own/with friends, that's fine. I know you haven't said you'd do this, but I wouldn't frame it like you're moving in with DP and she can either come, or find somewhere else if she's unhappy with it. 18 is still quite young and immature, and if she does move out, it might not last. I'd make it clear to her that she'd welcome to come back to live with you if she wants, and that if she's unhappy living with your DP you'd find another place together. When she's older, and more self reliant, you wouldn't need to do that, but 18 is a bit young to feel like your home has gone, which is intimately what would happen if she didn't like living with your DP and you wouldn't move out with her.

Ultimately not intimately!

OP, I realise you might not be reading any more, but maybe your daughter is a red herring her, and the real issue is your relationship.

He is a brand new boyfriend and you've already been disappointed by him, so that already doesn't bode well. A husband of 15 years dropping the ball on a birthday is one thing, but at 4 months, your boyfriend (he is not your DP - partner - yet, surely?) should still have been in the loved-up OTT stage and even then he missed this golden opportunity to wow his new girlfriend?

Secondly, what are YOU giving up for this man?

Where do you live now? Do you own or rent? Is it a council house? You just met this man, and you want to give up your HOUSING security already??? In the gentlest way possible, housing is really scary right now. If this guy lives up to the pretty low standard he has already set, you will want out in a year, but will you be able to get out?

If you are a high earner, and you can rent out your house while live with this guy, then that's fine - you have freedom to test the relationship here, but if, as I suspect, you want to blend finances to reduce your living costs, you're playing a very risky game.

Your daughter's reluctance suggests that she is not as enamoured of this man as she might be. Why is that? Is it because, well, he's a stranger?

Honestly, OP, sit tight. If this guy is a keeper, get married next year and move in with him then. Don't give up your housing security without him committing to you in the very convenient way we already have in law to protect you.

My parents pretty much gave me the same choice, I moved out a week after I turned 18 and they moved country.

The OP’s been with the bloke 5 months.

Her 18YO DD’s choice is - move in with a man she barely knows, or move out.

Lovely.

This place truly is a window into another world at times.

She is 18 and your daughter and you are pushing her out!! She has only just reached adulthood so give her chance to get sorted!

My Mum passed me over for a bloke when I was 12 - his flat had no extra bedroom either, so I moved in with my grandparents. Your DD is older but this reads just the same way to me - you want to live your own life, the kid is getting in the way, etc, etc.

I am close to my Mum, but that man became controlling. He owns the house, controls the money, chooses the holidays and has say over everything, down to how much fuel she puts in her car. Every day she complains about it and every day I just roll my eyes, because as far as I'm concerned she chose it all. Be careful what you wish for.

At 18 and on a low wage the OP's daughter might need the OP to act as guarantor for her if she moves out.

Why do all these posters who think the OP is NBU think that the rest of us haven't understood?
I'd say with her own words, and a quick AS, we've understood a damn sight more than those who think this is a healthy mother and daughter relationship.

It's housing association btw, the OP is on a thread in Februarywanting to sell her 40% and move on.

That's going to work out well.

But why does she not want to live with you and your new partner? Does she get on with him? Does she have friends who are reliable enough to house share with?
I have a 14 and almost 17 year old. I just can’t imagine them leaving home any time soon. They have a home here until they want to leave and I would want to see them fairly financially secure when they do. I think you’ll need to give her more than 6 months if she’s on a low wage if not she will be struggling for a long time.

I wouldn't phrase it like that. I'd just explain that you're moving in with partner on x date. She's welcome to join you. Its down to her, if she wants to make alternative arrangements.

Nothing wrong with that she either finds her own place or moves with you

My mum did this to my db at that age.
He's not spoken to her since, over 20 years ago.

Can you not move in with DP now and have her live in the spare room temporarily until she finds a place she wants to live in ?

Surely no deadline needs to be given? You just continue with your plans to move and include her and if she makes other arrangements before or after the move it really doesn't matter?

I hope you aren't presenting it in the way you've come across as if I were her I'd feel very pushed out.

Young adults have all sorts of ideas and ambitions, it doesn't mean that they will come off and actually happen. She might be 18 but she is still your child and isn't at the point of financial independence yet. You need to assume that you'll be there to house and support her until such time as she is.

Nocrispsinthehouse, I'm guessing the daughter doesn't want to move in the the boyfriend because she doesn't know him. I wouldn't want to move in with a man I didn't know either, and there is no way in hell I would move my kids in with a man I had only known for 5 months, no matter how old they were.

If the posts saying you've only been with DP for 5 months are accurate then YABVU. It's a bad idea for you and it's a really, really bad idea for your DD and it's worrying, frankly, that someone would consider it if there were any alternatives.

But if you've been seeing him seriously for a couple of years or more then it's not necessarily a bad idea all round and it really depends on the details.

Your DD is likely still at a vulnerable stage and most people the way society is set up today are not capable of being independent and thriving at 18. But you've been clear, you have an alternative for her (to move in with your DP) so the question is - how reasonable is that offer to her? Does it let her thrive or it will it hobble her as she tries to build a solid foundation for independence?

Does your DP live nearby or would this mean a relocation - away from friends, job, education, opportunities she knows?

Does your DD like your DP? And does he treat her well? Will she be welcome? What safety net do you have in place in case things go south for your relationship or for her relationship with him?

I think her not wanting to move is something you need to explore a bit and work out how reasonable her objections are (if she's actually objecting - many 18 year olds might like the idea of an independent flat and it's the idea of that fantasy that she's thinking of rather than objecting to moving to your DP's home).

2 questions
1 how does your dd get on with dp
2 who else lives on DPs house? Has he got children?

according to this thread she's only been seeing him about 5 months now! 😬And on her birthday last month he didn't even buy her a small gift, "just a card and a couple of drinks" (although he's "usually very generous")

You’ve been with someone for 5 months and you want your daughter to move in with him FFS!

Your 18 year old has more sense than you do and you are a terrible parent if you would chose your new boyfriend over your DDs happiness and future.

Seems like you resent your daughter. Its not her fault you have been a single mother. Id never give my child an ultimatum and put my needs before. Awful

You've decided to move house in the next six months, there's no problem her coming with you (assuming it's not too far away from her work), so don't put it as "a deadline for her to move out". Make it "I'll understand if you want to try and find a flatshare, either before or after we move" and do what you can to help with that. It doesn't matter whether she moves out by the time you move, or stays with you for longer; the certainty you want is your moving date.

Obviously if she comes with you, there might need to be some sensitivity around house rules for the three (or more, if partner has kids) of you. It's obviously going to be a different dynamic, and you need to make sure that she feels genuinely welcome.