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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my 18 year old a deadline to move out?

274 replies

Myturnatlast · 12/05/2022 14:25

I've been a single mum to her for 10 years and we're incredibly close but DP and I want to move in together so things are going to have to change.
His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me but she's already said she wants to live on her own / with friends.
She's on quite a low wage though and I'm worried about how long it might take for her to find somewhere and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted.
I'm thinking of giving her a 6 month deadline to find somewhere or come and live with us (she gets on just fine with DP). Would I be unreasonable to do this?

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 12/05/2022 14:41

EatSleepReplete · 12/05/2022 14:35

SSo what you actually mean is 6 months for her to decide whether she wants to move with you & your DP or move out on her own? Because it's not clear from the title.

Personally I'd give an 18 year old, especially one on a low wage, a bit longer.

@Greensleeves Yes, that's the vibe I'm getting from the OP and it's not v. nice. My DD is 17 and hoping to go to university next year, i.e., moving away from home, but I won't consider her a fully-fledged adult the moment she turns 18. I know she'll still want her Mum and a family home as a bolt hole! I certainly did until about 23/24, and some people need longer to get sorted out.

runnerblade95 · 12/05/2022 14:42

alwayslearning789 · 12/05/2022 14:28

I have an 18 year old and wouldn't even dream of this.

Are you for real saying this?:

"...and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted"

This.

Can’t believe what I’ve just read.

You chose to have a child so it’s not her fault that you were a single mother to her for 10 years. Even typing that out feels so weird.

You say this as though you were doing her a favour or something!?

Cameleongirl · 12/05/2022 14:42

Sorry, quote the wrong message, I meant to quote @Greensleeves

BungleandGeorge · 12/05/2022 14:44

Surely you just say to her that the spare room will be there for her whenever she needs it? Or is your bf further away from her job? Perhaps you could offer to chip in with her rent for a while as it should be cheaper for you

Comefromaway · 12/05/2022 14:47

It's not like you are throwing her out.

I moved house when dd was 18. There was no question of her not coming with us. She did move out a year later.

JenniferPlantain · 12/05/2022 14:48

Are people not reading the OP?

It’s not ‘get your own place I’m leaving you’re on your own’ it’s ‘get your own place if you like or come with me and live with me’.

I don’t see how this is unreasonable.

ChairCareOh · 12/05/2022 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Lemonleaflicker · 12/05/2022 14:50

I don't think it is unreasonable. She has 2 choices, move with you or move out on her own. She has chosen the latter so help her look into that. Get her to see what her outgoings would be for a room in a shared property.

www.spareroom.co.uk/ will show her what is available in her area. If she selects bills in then she can see how much money she will have left. This may decide it for her to move with you.

I think the idea of independence and the reality of independence are two very different things. Are you moving far to be with your partner?

AryaStarkWolf · 12/05/2022 14:50

You're not BU, you're not kicking her out, she has the option of moving with you. Don't know why PPs are acting like you're kicking her out on to the street, jesus

Keepitonthedownlow · 12/05/2022 14:51

The proposal is more or less ok but your wording sounds resentful.

alwayslearning789 · 12/05/2022 14:52

OP have a read of the housing threads on here and see what kind of life you are encouraging your low wage 18 year old into so early in her life, whilst you move into your DP's secure housing.

I get it... I so understand... being a lone parent for so long is so hard..same boat as you.. but you should know by now the kids are permanent, the DP... by the luck of the God's long-term.

Think carefully... please. For the sake of your little one. It's harsh conditions out there at the moment and she is a fledgling adult.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/05/2022 14:52

YANBU but make ir clear to her that there is always room for her at DP's house if she wants to live there. Do not make her feel unwelcome.

pedropony76 · 12/05/2022 14:53

The comments??? Some people really have comprehension issues

SweetPetrichor · 12/05/2022 14:55

YANBU. If she has the option of safe secure housing with you and DP then she can make the decision to move out at that time, or move with you until she gets her feet under her. It's not taking her security away like some seem to be suggesting, but we have our own lives to live too.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/05/2022 14:56

Keepitonthedownlow · 12/05/2022 14:51

The proposal is more or less ok but your wording sounds resentful.

This. The wording doesn't sit well with me. You make it sound like she's been a burden and getting in the way of your life with DP. I'm a single parent and can't imagine thinking that way.

user1471457751 · 12/05/2022 14:57

@alwayslearning789 the OPs 'little one' - you mean the 18 year old? Shes not 2 anymore. You clearly didn't bother to read the OP as she clearly stated her daughter is more than welcome to move with her. So the daughter is more than able to avoid the 'harsh conditions' you think the OP is forcing her into.

EvilPea · 12/05/2022 15:00

whats the housing market like where you are? Is it actually feasible for her to move out?

PicaK · 12/05/2022 15:00

OP I think you're perfectly entitled to say that you want to move in with your DP and she can either come with you or not.
Just tell her the deadline
It's not like you're leaving her without a place to live.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 12/05/2022 15:02

Are you able to help her out financially for a couple of years if she does decide she wants to move out and not go to live with you and your dp? Sounds like that is what she wants so if you could help her for a while that might be the best solution. That is what I did at that age and for a couple of years had quite a lot of help with my flat share rent (I was a student at the time).

milkyaqua · 12/05/2022 15:03

His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me

Why does there need to be a deadline?

AryaStarkWolf · 12/05/2022 15:06

milkyaqua · 12/05/2022 15:03

His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me

Why does there need to be a deadline?

Presumably because the OPs daughter has said she isn't moving with her mother to the B/Fs house so the dead line would be for when the OP is moving out of their current house, in which case the DD would have to either find her own place or come with her mother?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 12/05/2022 15:07

She's an adult. If she wants to move with you then she's more than welcome to yes? Those saying she can't turf her child out obviously aren't reading it properly. And no I doubt she can afford to move out considering the current housing crisis. So is OP supposed to put her relationship on hold for another 10 years until her daughter can afford to move out?

Butchyrestingface · 12/05/2022 15:10

The thread title is misleading and that is a bit of a goady name change fail, tbf.

Manekinek0 · 12/05/2022 15:10

I agree with PPs your title is misleading. Give her a deadline for the moving date but not to move out. Make sure that she knows she can always come and live with you and you have a spare room that she can have.

BellePeppa · 12/05/2022 15:11

What’s the point of the deadline if she can still move in with you if she hasn’t found somewhere?

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