To give my 18 year old a deadline to move out?

[Myturnatlast]

I've been a single mum to her for 10 years and we're incredibly close but DP and I want to move in together so things are going to have to change.
His place is big enough for her to have her own room if she wants to come with me but she's already said she wants to live on her own / with friends.
She's on quite a low wage though and I'm worried about how long it might take for her to find somewhere and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted.
I'm thinking of giving her a 6 month deadline to find somewhere or come and live with us (she gets on just fine with DP). Would I be unreasonable to do this?

For the sake of your little one
18 year olds are not "little ones" by any stretch of the most fevered imagination 🙄
I think YANBU, OP. The tail can't wag the dog forever. You've stuck it out, seen her to adulthood, now you want to do something for yourself. Fair enough.
As she's now an adult, she's not going to be one of these poor "little ones" who don't get to choose what goes on or where she lives. She gets to make an adult decision just like you. She can move with you or not. Maybe she moves with you in 6 months, stays with you another six and by the time the year is up she's ready to fly the nest. It will be her choice. You don't have to wait in suspended animation for years on end for her to make that choice.

If that’s the case I don’t really see the point of the thread. There doesn’t seem to be much in the way of conflict going on, unless it’s that the OP would have to stay where she is if her daughter can’t find somewhere?

At 18 she is little more than a child, barely out of school, she will still need your support and parenting. Your proposal is not outrageous in itself but your wording of it is.

Is there a big moat and a drawbridge that closes around the DP's castle and if she doesn't say right now she's coming she misses out for all time the chance to move into this empty room?

Does she get on with your partner? And are you planning to have children with him?

Thanks to those who have understood my poorly worded post.
I'm not kicking her out, of course I'm not.

Hollygolightly86
18 is an adult, you don’t get all the privileges but no responsibility. It’s not like she’s making her homeless she’s just moving house. What if she waited 2 years and nothing changes does she still have to stay for her daughter? I don’t think so

I couldn't have children but my parents would have done anything for my sister and I, right up until the days they died and the same applies to those I know with adult children.

I'm sorry if you never had that experience.

Can you explain why there would need to be a "deadline"?

Rather than giving her a deadline to move out, give her a deadline as to when you're moving in with your dp. That way she's not essentially made homeless, as she can move with you if she hasn't found a place of her own

I had an incredibly close relationship with both my parents growing up & still do now. My parents paid for me to go to uni at 18 & my rent to live there so they encouraged my independence & did the same for all 3 of my siblings and are hugely supportive of all of us so just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I didn’t experience a close loving relationship with my parents.

Confusing post aside.. why?
If she doesn't find a place in 6 months then she goes with you, surely?

All you have to do is decide you're moving.

Plenty 18 year olds move out to go to uni at that age, she’s hardly a baby and she had a choice and still has a home if she chooses but she chose moving out. If she feels she is ready to live alone and manage then that is up to her.

I agree that it should be a moving in with partner date rather than a moving out date. You sound like a nice mum, just be there to support her as it’ll be all new and a bit scary till she finds her feet then I’m sure she’ll be fine, if she’s not she still has a home, my almost 21 year old is still at home but he’d have been fine moving out he’d mature and sensible (mostly) I don’t think we often give them enough credit. He wants to save though so is staying at home for now…

How long have you been with your DP?

She might get on with him but that doesn't mean she wants to live with him.
Especially if she hasn't known him well or if it means moving out of the area.

I would give it more like a year.

Is your DP's house local to you or will you be moving a distance away?

Your DP who got you a card and no present for your 50th, who you've been with about 5 months?

It seems a bit desperate - this is my chance for happiness, etc - and as everything you say contradicts itself, I am guessing you are conflicted and guilty about really wanting to move in with him and get rid of her.

It could be worse, she could just move her DP without discussing with her DD, shockingly I’ve heard of this happening.

You’re not suggesting that you move out and leave her. YANBU to suggest she moves house, seeing as you and DP are providing the house - you get to decide where it is! Or, she can move in with her mates. That’s perfectly reasonable OP

You're going to get a kicking because most posters won't read past your thread title, which is totally misleading.

The fact you want to give a deadline tells me that you’ve spoken with your DD and she doesn’t want to move with you to your DPs place. Maybe he creeps her out. Maybe it would mean she couldn’t keep her job. You haven’t said what her reasons are on here. Wonder why that is?

Yes she is 18 and legally an adult, but I personally would not be throwing out ultimatums. If you are your DP are truly committed to a LTR, then staying put until she has enough saved to move out when she is ready shouldn’t be a huge inconvenience and hardship.

We only have our children with us for a short time, you may be with your DP the rest of your life. What is an extra year or two putting your child first in the grand scheme of things?

Damn I wish people would read the OP properly!!!!!
OP is not kicking her out. She's giving her an option.

OP give her 6 months to decide and then move.

I did read the OP, @AnuSTart , it was the sentence below that took me aback - most parents put their 18-year-old's happiness and financial well-being first. Fair enough if it's a 30-year-old who needs to get a move finding accommodation, but 18 on a low wage?! It sounds like the OP wants her out and off her hands ASAP, whereas most of us assume that our DC will need our support at least into their early 20's.

She's on quite a low wage though and I'm worried about how long it might take for her to find somewhere and don't want to put my happiness and financial well-being on hold indefinitely while she gets sorted.

But you aren't giving her an ultimatum at all. You are just deciding on a time you are moving. If she's welcome to come too then that's pretty much carrying on as now in a different location.
So tell her 'We are moving in with X in December, you are welcome to come but I know you are thinking of moving out.' Then she either finds her own place or moved with you.

Maybe your DD isnt interested in moving in as you have only been dating the bloke for around 5mths. Seems from your previous thread he didnt even bother getting you anything for your birthday recently either so perhaps your DD isnt interested in moving in with a relative stranger.

You've been with him 5 months???

You want to move your 18 year old daughter in with a man you've only known 5 months???

Are you insane

The fact you want to give a deadline tells me that you’ve spoken with your DD and she doesn’t want to move with you to your DPs place. Maybe he creeps her out. Maybe it would mean she couldn’t keep her job. You haven’t said what her reasons are on here. Wonder why that is?

I mean she did say why in her OP, she said she want's to live with her friends, she also says that she gets on fine with her DP.