To feel a bit resentful already..

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Currently on mat leave, first baby. I'm the breadwinner and have just got a promotion for when I go back to work in October, earning approx 2x partners salary.

I'll be doing FT in 4 days, mum will do 2 days childcare and baby will go to a childminder one day. Partner was going to ask to cut down to 4 days at work for the final days childcare. I heard him on the phone to his manager asking to reduce his hours. Manager says, we can discuss FT in 4 days, so you won't lose out financially. Partner says, "oh well 'ivegottagoforaliedown' has a promotion and is working full time so we'll be fine".

I ask him about conversation and suggest he does full time in 4 days. He pulls a face then realises this is what I'm going to do and backtracks, saying he will do it but is worried that we would need childcare from 8-6 as opposed to 9-5.

I am already upset about going back to work. I loved my job but in all honesty I would be a SAHM for a year or two if I could. Partner works in an unqualified role in my field (healthcare) he could potentially get a better paid job but not enough to support us. Plus he is happy where he is. He knows how I feel about going back to work.

Unfortunately I can't go PT, my new role wouldn't allow it and PT in my previous role isn't enough pay wise. I feel like it's all on me. He would quite happily give up work himself or do minimal hours too. My other worry is he has a few hobbies, so I'm worried he will bugger off when I get home from work 2x a week after working PT.

He's a good dad, does his fair share round the house but always seems a bit harassed by it all if I'm honest, always saying how tired he is etc. I feel this is somehow my fault but I don't know why.

Why are 10 hour days ok for me but not him? I feel really annoyed because he knows how I feel about having to go FT.

Am I being unreasonable?

Tricky. You presumably knew how things would be when you decided to have a baby.

Is he trying to do less hours so that he can help out with childcare or is he just plain lazy because he knows his partner is bringing in more than enough bread?

If its the latter then I'm sorry he's a poor excuse. I can understand if it's the former.

It's a difficult one if you are the breadwinner and he doesn't have the motivation to go for a higher role/salary as that would take some of the pressure off you.
Would it be easier to have him do minimal hours and he would then mind the baby as a full-time Dad? That way the house responsibilities would have to be his responsibility as you will be working FT anyway?
Is it possible for you to have a WFH day?

These years with tinies when both of you need to work for financial reasons are bloody tough. You are bound to feel resentful at times and a whole heap of other emotions. You both are to be fair. It's gruelling until they go to school really (and even then there are different logistical problems). Unless you are lucky enough to be v Wealthy-these years are a huge slog for lots of people. You just have to batten down the hatches, do what you have to do and try try to make the most of the time with the kids and dh out of work as best as possible. It does get easier but it's a test! The trick is not to play tit for tat or take it out on each other. Sometimes one partner will be getting what seems the better deal-and then it might switch around. It's a team effort.
If dh can do his five in four then all good-but if it's not going to make a huge difference financially and he could use the time to be at home with the baby (and to be clear actually do some home stuff whilst you work even if it's just making dinner or doing a quick clean) then his time might better spent doing that? I get that you want to be home-I cried for months after going back to work with my first baby, but it's not realistic financially so that's the way it is for now.
Lots of love to you OP-it's really hard.

I can guarantee right now that he won’t be doing more childcare after work, he’ll be pissing off to his hobbies. His boss has offered him a great option to maintain his current salary, he should have snapped their hand off. I would be very upset at this.

I have posted before, it is one reason I am on MN.
We changed roles. I couldn't get a decent job using my experience.
I took over the house and DW did full time work, professional. When they got older I worked pt at whatever I could get.
For context I used to be in very masculine industry, rushing around in Landrover and supervising a team in Mid East.
Kids still talk to me.

OP,
The cat is out of the bag!

He sees you as a work horse.

I think if you are resentful NOW, I can tell you it's going to get a LOT worse.

He is going to look after himself very well, whilst just doing enough.

I would be very wary of this relationship, because his best interests are so disconnected to you.

Watch and wait.

I would INSIST he compresses his hours and consider it a deal breaker if he refuses....that is of course if you are bothered about being a work horse.

He's flounced off in a huff now because I suggested that he was hesitant because he can't be arsed and knows I earn enough money.

He would say because of the childcare, I disagree. He is quite passive in nature, happy to follow. I used to be happy with this and thought I'd want to be back full time. I didn't realise how much my feelings about work would change :(

It has crossed my mind but I think him being a SAH dad would be worse because of the amount of time he spends on his hobbies. I would be working FT, then coming home to do childcare and chores. I can do a little bit of WFH I think. He bases himself at home (we both work in the community) so will be around a lot anyway.

Sounds like his life hasn't changed a great deal since you had children. You can't spend loads of time on hobbies once you have a baby.

exactly...

I feel like I'm your husband and my DH is you. I work part-time in a low paid role and I've always known I can because my DH earns a good wage. I never thought this was bad or selfish of me. I just assumed that if there were two parents and one was a high earner then the other one could work fewer hours and focus on the family. The crucial thing in our situation is that when I'm not working I'm looking after the children or doing domestic chores. I do 90% of the housework and childcare and I'm fine with that arrangement (so is my husband). It's not like I'm swanning off drinking wine with my friends - I'm putting my time and energy in to the family and running the house. If you feel your husband won't do this and will just bugger off and enjoy himself all the time then it seems unfair (although I definitely think both of you should have time for hobbies, friends etc). If however your husband will have a useful role looking after the children and doing chores then it could be a very convenient arrangement for your household.

i agree with the previous poster who suggested not letting this come between you.

When you’re both working and the children are small, it’s tough. Everyone is doing long days, is tired and not getting enough sleep.

This is the big where you really have to stick together as a team and sort of take on the outside world as a joint challenge. It is really difficult to achieve what appears to be a fair split of the load and the tendency is very often for partners to begin to resent each other.

But in your case and that of very many young families, you are all putting in the hard yards. Your husband’s load looks lighter than yours but it is still quite a load. Yours is very heavy indeed. And your baby will have some very challenging times getting used to the long days and change in routine.

To be honest, I think it is criminal that young families are forced into such a gruelling lifestyle. It speaks to our disdain for mothers and children, and for the value attached to materialism over relationships.

It suits the govt very well for couples to resent each other as they struggle to cope with what is actually a ludicrous demand on a family.

The trick is to face it together. Be gentle with each other and try to have faith that you are both doing your best. There will be days when the house is a mess, you will buy too many takeaways and the baby will get sick a lot for the first year or so, but soon you will be through this and it will ease up.

Try not to expect that wfh will ease things greatly, you still have the challenge of working and looking after a small child.

You're resentful because you instinctively understand that you are going to be the default for everything. Default earner - check. Default parent - check. Default organiser of everything in the house - check.

If you are working full time in 4 days, and earning plenty, I actually think that him doing a bog standard 4 days with the corresponding reduction in salary is actually a good idea.....
.... if this means that he steps up.

So, obviously, on his day off, he is looking after the baby. But, in addition, as he's working shorter hours than you, he needs to be doing more at home. eg, if baby is at childminder, he should be collecting her, giving her dinner or making the family dinner, getting bath and bed time started etc. In the mornings, he should be doing the quick post-breakfast tidy up and taking her to your mum/childminder while you're heading off early.

Instead, what you're clearly suspecting is going to happen is that you'll get up 30 minutes earlier to make sure everything happens and he might roll out of bed 30 minutes before he has to leave for work. You'll then drop DD somewhere, work a long 10 hour day, return tired and frazzled and rush to pick her up, get her fed and into bed along with chores like laundry etc because he'll be spending the evening at football or meeting buddies.

You need to agree the roles and responsibilities very clearly right now before things get worse.

Totally understand what you're saying - I think the differences are that we would be sharing household chores (with me potentially doing slightly more) and him away with hobbies quite a lot. I suppose a big part of it is that I wish it were the other way around. I really wish I could be part time or stay at home (and take on all or most of the childcare, household chores etc). It's that he knows I'm in a position I wish I wasn't in, and is very happy with how it's turned out for him.

Your set up sounds much more something you've agreed on as a partnership and are both happy with, not selfish at all.

It's a tough one. How much financial difference does it make for your DH to bring in one extra day of pay? You're obviously doing that fifth day (across the four days) because it makes a significant difference, but I'm not sure I'd expect your DH to "just because you are" if the actual financial impact isn't that much. If he does four days, and your do five in four, there should be the expectation that he's taking on more though- so more evening child care/cooking meals/bath times/housework than you are.

This is a nice positive way of looking at things, thank you. I agree, I'm heartbroken that can't spend that time with my little one. My mum was at home with me until I was 5 and we had such a lovely time and have a wonderful relationship now. Not that working parents can't have that - I just wish I could have more time.

DH and I earn the same if you take it down to an hourly rate but I work the equivalent of 3 days a week around the kids school hours whereas he works more than full time as he’s self employed.

Because I do paid work less, I pick up much more of the home stuff. We agreed this when we worked out how we’d schedule our working hours.

You need to have a very frank discussion about how things will work. Otherwise there will be resentment and you’ll both end up unhappy.

Also - go easy on yourself, the pre school years are really hard when you’re trying to balance work etc. Once you’re settled in your new normal it won’t feel so daunting 💐

I think that's it, I am the default. When thinking about options for me returning to work, it was me sat there with my calculator thinking about what we could afford. He just waits to be told what he's doing.

I think going back to work after maternity leave is huge, you are essentially a different person and the centre of your world is your child. Try to give yourself time to adjust, a few months at least. Certainly it can feel like a big loss.

And remember, this isn’t forever. It’s how it is now but who knows? Maybe in a year or two your circumstances will be different and you will have more time with your family.

This is what I'm thinking, it would be £200 a month minus a couple of extra childcare hours a week. So not very much. I think I'd want to come home and do the childcare when I finish work with me being out all day - plus partner does hobbies 2-3x nights week which I can't see changing...I could say stop them and he would but then he would be resentful. It's hard, sometimes I think it would be easier on my own.

On the hours thing, I think YAB a little U. If you earn twice what he does, I can't imagine one day of salary post tax will make a huge difference to the family pot?

If you both compressed your hours, those 3 days with you both working 10 hours would be very full on, and getting drop off, pick up, dinner etc cooked would be difficult. Especially if either of you have any sort of commute. I think the extra few hours on those days would be well worth it.

However, that's on the assumption that he pulls his weight with childcare and housework, and it doesn't sound like he does.

I think you need a serious chat. I would approach it from a positive, "let's sort out our routine before I'm back at work so that we both get some downtime and don't end up exhausted" sort of angle rather than a confrontation. Just breezily assume that he's on board with pulling his weight and take it from there.

Two working parents with small children is HARD.

Thank you 😊

Unfortunately for many women whose partners become the at home parent, they end up still doing the overwhelming majority of the mental load.

They end "managing" the at home partner.

Obviously this is not always the case but in situations like this that I am familiar with, they needed their hobbies to destress from being at home and were often absent at weekends as a result.

The mother then spending her weekends doing 75% of housework catch up AND carrying full the mental load.

In both cases the women waited it out till their child was at school, temporarily drastically reduced their hours to be at home, and instigated a separation as their husbands refused to get a job to contribute.

They had both taken legal advice.

There is a type of man that sees being at home as an easy option with small children, because they do the absolute bare minimum in childcare, leaving the vast majority of everything else to the breadwinner.

I have not heard of women doing this.

His being huffy is very revealing OP.

Be wary.