To feel a bit resentful already..

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Currently on mat leave, first baby. I'm the breadwinner and have just got a promotion for when I go back to work in October, earning approx 2x partners salary.

I'll be doing FT in 4 days, mum will do 2 days childcare and baby will go to a childminder one day. Partner was going to ask to cut down to 4 days at work for the final days childcare. I heard him on the phone to his manager asking to reduce his hours. Manager says, we can discuss FT in 4 days, so you won't lose out financially. Partner says, "oh well 'ivegottagoforaliedown' has a promotion and is working full time so we'll be fine".

I ask him about conversation and suggest he does full time in 4 days. He pulls a face then realises this is what I'm going to do and backtracks, saying he will do it but is worried that we would need childcare from 8-6 as opposed to 9-5.

I am already upset about going back to work. I loved my job but in all honesty I would be a SAHM for a year or two if I could. Partner works in an unqualified role in my field (healthcare) he could potentially get a better paid job but not enough to support us. Plus he is happy where he is. He knows how I feel about going back to work.

Unfortunately I can't go PT, my new role wouldn't allow it and PT in my previous role isn't enough pay wise. I feel like it's all on me. He would quite happily give up work himself or do minimal hours too. My other worry is he has a few hobbies, so I'm worried he will bugger off when I get home from work 2x a week after working PT.

He's a good dad, does his fair share round the house but always seems a bit harassed by it all if I'm honest, always saying how tired he is etc. I feel this is somehow my fault but I don't know why.

Why are 10 hour days ok for me but not him? I feel really annoyed because he knows how I feel about having to go FT.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think it's better to do 4 days work in 4 days rather than 5 days in 4 days.
It's a shame you can't do that but why should he do it just because you have to?
It's better if he spends extra time with the baby or does more housework.

He just waits to be told what he's doing

Well, I would be putting this to him:

He continues to do FT in 4 days as his manager offered, and balances out the number of hours you are both working. As you say you doubt he will be investing the extra time into the home/baby anyway - but wasting yet more time on hobbies.

The extra money is spent on a very good cleaner so at least your house is clean and tidy and the washing is done. This is very important as you won't want to spend what little time you do have with LO cleaning.

Dh should be in charge of food shopping, completing the laundry etc on his fifth day so you are all set up for a family weekend.

I don't know of a single parent with a baby that had the time for any hobbies at all for the first year or two! Not one. We all had to sacrifice them for more family time/sleep. I think you need to be firm about how much hobby time he has, and you should have the same amount of time to relax/rest/do something for you

Really you have to start as you mean to go on.
Your time is as valuable as his.
Everything has to be equal

If you think one baby is bad, consider two or three and get some bullet proof contraception if you have a hobby husband.

It’s not a bloody crime to have hobbies either. Obviously leisure time needs to be as equal as possible but it’s okay to have interests. Just work, housework, childcare and nothing else is what will really breed resentment in life.

I can completely see where you are coming from. In a similar situation although not in as good a financial position.

It is so frustrating to have to work full time and have to come home and spend that time cleaning and sorting, when all you really want to do is chill out and spend sometime with your child.
If you leave all the cleaning and sorting, then the house is grim and pure chaos and then you have to spend a whole day at the weekend catching up.

So he needs to either do the full time hours OR take on more responsibility around the house. Easier said than done though as I am having this same argument at the moment.

Not one lie told!!!!!!! If only the shoe were on the other foot!!!!

You know he 'reverts back', so give him no option to do so. Your cleaner won't let you down. Or can be easily replaced if he/she does. This is entirel

I agree with billy now is the moment to get this nailed, it is early enough for you to lay down your boundaries and tell him how this is going to work (and that is not you being his work horse whilst he skips out to hobbies) He is clearly having a totally different experience to the rest of us! Why isn't he tired? Cooking? Cleaning? Looking after the baby 2/3 times a week? And giving you a much needed break and rest?

Can I say Tina that hobbies are a total luxury with young children.

If everything is done, the house is clean and the baby's needs are met for the day - and you are pulling at least half your weight in the home - then yes go for it!
But to lean on others to supplement your luxuries at the expense of your partner is not on at all. It should be fair. Op must also have time/energy/resources for a similar amount of time for her interests. You are not entitled to hobby time, it is a bonus.

Just in case you don't know, you can get tax free childcare too which really helps. Saves you about 20% of your childcare costs x

Past behaviour is a great predictor of future behaviour.

Mat leave is different things for different couples.

If it has been full on and very tiring, having a partner that shares the load in the evening and weekends means so much.

Having one that does shag all, continues with all their hobbies, leaving you at home and expecting you to do everything as you are "off work" as well as all baby care, is a real disaster.

Expecting them to suddenly step up when you return to work is absolute madness and rarely happens.

OP, he has agreed things before and let you down?
Then this is very likely to be the case here.

Definitely articulate clearly AGAIN what you expect of him, especially regarding free time, hobbies and sharing the load.

Maybe even write down what you both agree and pin it up somewhere.

How are finances split between you?

Hoping for the best, whilst preparing for the worst would be wise.

Have you family and friends to support you?

I see you use partner, does that mean unmarried?
If so, make sure you have savings put aside if things don't work out.

Nothing will prepare you for how busy it is in the morning getting yourself and a baby ready to leave.

Have you discussed who will be doing this?
It is a real added stress.

On top of a new promotion, you will really need him to step up, or the truth is, your relationship will flounder very quickly in the face of massive, justified resentment.

Thank you - this is my worry.

Yes unmarried, we were due to get married but it was cancelled due to covid. Bills wise everything comes out of my account and he transfers me an amount every month proportionate to incomes.

As an example he said he would do an additional 'bank' shift a month whilst I'm on mat leave as things have been tighter and I was worrying. I told him he needed to stop relying on my income at the moment - he doesn't do it on purpose but he sometimes runs out of money just before pay day, he must subconsciously think of me as a safety net financially. He did a couple of shifts but has done nothing since.

I am sure he would agree to what I ask but I know I'll have to keep 'nagging' him. I hate being that person.

The thing that has upset me the most is the casual 'I don't have to work full time because she is' and the way he said it when I heard him on the phone. It seems that the situation I don't want to be in has made him very happy indeed.

There's no way around it OP.
He's taking it easy because he can rely on you.
And while I'm the first to decry sexism on this site... he's not, unlike SAHM going all out to care for kids, make your house a home, etc. He complains 'how tired he is', etc etc.

Google 'mental load' and you'll see how women are affected, by needing to manage even when men 'claim' to be doing their fair share.

Also if you need to 'nag', he's not doing it properly. He is an adult. He should not have to be told what to do.

he would be resentful. It's hard, sometimes I think it would be easier on my own.
he must subconsciously think of me as a safety net financially
It seems that the situation I don't want to be in has made him very happy indeed.

Those are things that jumped out at me, reading your posts.

It also occurred to me that there is probably nothing 'subconscious' about his actions and motivations. I feel he knows exactly what he is doing.

And he doesn't seem amenable to discussing your situation and working out a fair and mutually agreeable plan.

He is looking after Number One, and I fear this will only get worse after you return to work

The thing that has upset me the most is the casual 'I don't have to work full time because she is' and the way he said it when I heard him on the phone. It seems that the situation I don't want to be in has made him very happy indeed.
Your partner's attitude will filter through at work and he will be overlooked (probably much to his delight) for overtime, promotion etc
It will really grate on you when his idea of childcare is meeting his pals at yours with the baby asleep and the place a wreck or out with mates with the child stuck in the buggy, house stuff/shopping, meal prep all down to you. He'll expect you to provide take aways instead of him cooking for when you get home.
He sounds like a liability in the real world.

How do you know he’s a good dad if this is your first kid? Has he other children?

honestly you knew he was lazy and a free loader, it’s no surprise that that’s what he still is. You know it’s bad when you need to force a bloke to step up, and I’m guessing if he’s other kids then the last woman knew it too?

Of course you are heartbroken, you over hearing his conversation is confirmation of what your gut is screaming at you.

He wants the family, home, for you to manage and pay for it, with as little interference to his life.

If you do interfere, you will be made out to be a nag.

The good news is that you are not married.

He is not marriage material.
Any man who is depending on you financially whilst he enjoys his stress free job, whilst you shoulder the load, is not a good bet.

Even less so to have children with.

There are women who post on here 5, 10 years down the line and they are hugely regretful of carrying 100% the financial load and 90+% of the family load.

They are completely worn out.

Well done for recognising that something isn't right here.

There is no need for any dramatic action.
Just watch and wait.

Words are cheap.
See does he step up.
Tell him to compress his days, just as you have to.
Start being firmer with the finances, he needs to pay his way.

See does he want to step up and be a good partner and father and share the load, or another man child that wants to be looked after.

Words and promises are very cheap, you need to see EXACTLY how much he is prepared to contribute to your life and that of your child in a positive, practical way.

This is what I would be telling my daughter in your shoes.

Can you not take a career break?
l took a 2 yr career break, then asked for another 2 yrs, and worked a few evenings in a supermarket.
I was always out and about with my two sons, it was such a lovely time, made some lovely friends along the way. My husband looked after them when he got back from work, l would make sure they were bathed and ready for bed, it worked out really well and never regretted it.
Our office disbanded during the end of my second career break and moved over to another city. So l stayed put and to be honest it suited me better as alot less stressful.and my employers are very flexible. My sons are much older now and l feel very thankful l got to so spend the time l did with them.
My husband wasn' t a high earner, but we managed, you can learn to live quite happily on a little.

Love the posters who are so, so sure that if he works less he will step up and give them "breathing space" when we all know that men who take on their fair share of domestic duties are the exception, not the rule.

I agree that he'd be unreasonable not to take on more chores and parenting if he was working less, but I'm not sure how his attitude is that different from the large proportion of women on here who say 'he works so I don't have to'. Yes, they may be doing more of the grunt work, but the basic belief is the same isn't it?

The doing more of the grunt work is kind of key, not an irrelevant detail

'I don't have to work full time because she is'

Jesus. That is what he think this is....an easy way out for him to sit back and do less and less. You have multiple problems on your hands. His lack of ambition, his dreadful ability to manage his own money and by extension your family finances, his lack of will to provide properly for his family, his ability to take the easy route each and every time, and seemingly thinks he now has a free pass for an easy hobby life with you installed at the coal face.

You are saddled with a man child verging on a cock lodger. He probably has grand plans to be retired at 40 enjoying a life of golf and holidays.

We are eighteen years down the line, with a few children under our belts so based on experience, it is absolutely imperative you put your foot down. He absolutely has to work full time compressed into four days, that is not even up for discussion! How come he is able to swan around on part time hours whilst you are exhausting yourself? That is a non starter. He also needs to work much harder for a promotion or a new job, his lack of interest is only damaging your family's prospects further. What if something happens to you op, you become ill etc? He can't just expect you to do it all.

Make a rota now and decide who is doing what - right now so you are able to refer back to it and have an organised structured approach.

Source a brilliant cleaner, you will never regret it, she will be your life line once you start working. Better still if she is trusted and can baby sit in time?

Save now, and put it away for a rainy day. Make sure he is paying each and every single bill in full. Are you over paying by any chance?

Think twice about the wedding. You might find he just isn't up to the job in time. With one child you will be fine, more than that with your hours will be a living hell unless he changes beyond all recognition.

Be very prepared that he is not the man you thought he was.

He is morphing into a cocklodger.

Your post is jarring with me for a reason, because it feels very close to home.

My bf was in your position. We all bit our lip as her dh (self employed) reduced his hours to 'look after' the baby, incidentally this included coming home for two hours of gaming, before picking the baby up and doing absolutely nothing professing that my bf would 'want' to feed, bath and put her to bed 'as she hadn't seen her all day' when she arrived home. His idea of dinner was oven chips and beans. He started taking extended holidays for 'me' time to include golf weekends and slowly he did less and less. To make up the shortfall my bf starting working longer hours and then 15 hours a day just to pay the bills, whilst he sat back and let her. She also did 90% of the house stuff as she didn't have time to argue, and when they did she would cry and feel burnt out and need time off which she could not afford. He told anyone that would listen about his grand plans to retire, and that my bf was doing so well professionally he is/was virtually a 'kept man'. Looking back I don't know how we all stayed so polite and civilised.
I was boiling with rage and spoke to my bf, but she was too tired to care - beaten down by the long hours and waking up every night with the baby (he never once got up)

Second child came along and that is when the wheels came off. Bf didn't have time to even shower by this point, she was just about keeping it together. Her dh was by now working very PT and blaming a lack of work (not true) The children were shuttled from one place to the next whilst he did everything he could not to look after them. They ate junk food, he didn't care about homework or washing, or baths. It became unbearably hard for her, and then he started blaming HER for her lack of interest in the marriage (she was dog tired and on anti depressants by this point) he said she was not a good enough mother, she was a checked out wife all the while enjoying all of his hobbies, boys weekends and PT hours. He spent 4-6 hours a day gaming. By this point she was in crisis, her mental health was in pieces, she started failing at work and making silly mistakes as she was so tired, she said 'I am failing at everything', but she wasn't, HE had failed her. A week later she was sacked to her devastation, just too many balls in the air coming down at once.

A week after that she found out he had been seeing a fifty two year old woman behind her back.

Something broke inside of her.
I will never forget it.

She filed for a divorce immediately. Hired a brilliant nanny to take care of the dc and got a new job all within eight months or so. And she became a new woman over night. No longer dragged down by him, and with proper help in place she has gone from strength to strength. Her dc are happier and she has a new man, one that supports and loves her. It took her 15 whole years - and she says she wished she had left at the beginning, but stayed for an easy life and security for her dc. Even though her ex offered nothing like security. This is a long post, but she lost much of her life on this man.
Don't underestimate the impact of cock lodgers dressed up as decent family men.

*to this man

PS he now jokes he only 'married her for her money.' There was always some truth to that sinister joke, he traded on her low self esteem and worked it to his own benefit. She thought she was 'providing', and 'keeping him happy', he was just using her as a cheap meal ticket.