To feel a bit resentful already..

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Currently on mat leave, first baby. I'm the breadwinner and have just got a promotion for when I go back to work in October, earning approx 2x partners salary.

I'll be doing FT in 4 days, mum will do 2 days childcare and baby will go to a childminder one day. Partner was going to ask to cut down to 4 days at work for the final days childcare. I heard him on the phone to his manager asking to reduce his hours. Manager says, we can discuss FT in 4 days, so you won't lose out financially. Partner says, "oh well 'ivegottagoforaliedown' has a promotion and is working full time so we'll be fine".

I ask him about conversation and suggest he does full time in 4 days. He pulls a face then realises this is what I'm going to do and backtracks, saying he will do it but is worried that we would need childcare from 8-6 as opposed to 9-5.

I am already upset about going back to work. I loved my job but in all honesty I would be a SAHM for a year or two if I could. Partner works in an unqualified role in my field (healthcare) he could potentially get a better paid job but not enough to support us. Plus he is happy where he is. He knows how I feel about going back to work.

Unfortunately I can't go PT, my new role wouldn't allow it and PT in my previous role isn't enough pay wise. I feel like it's all on me. He would quite happily give up work himself or do minimal hours too. My other worry is he has a few hobbies, so I'm worried he will bugger off when I get home from work 2x a week after working PT.

He's a good dad, does his fair share round the house but always seems a bit harassed by it all if I'm honest, always saying how tired he is etc. I feel this is somehow my fault but I don't know why.

Why are 10 hour days ok for me but not him? I feel really annoyed because he knows how I feel about having to go FT.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think him being a SAH dad would be worse because of the amount of time he spends on his hobbies

And there it is - the real reason he wants to work fewer days, enabled by your work and with little recognition of what's best for all

As a PP said the resentment you feel now is only likely to get worse; it's a shame this wasn't hammered out before the pregnancy, but late as it is I'd definitely be looking harder at it now

You have already come along way in addressing the hours you are working and the ways things will be split.

I didn't know whether to post our experience, but in the end decided it is better you know how some of these situations can end. My bf is the brightest, most intelligent person I know and she STILL found herself blindsided by her dh lack of commitment and lack of parenting. He couldn't really be bothered and lived for his hobbies - not for his kids and definitely not for his wife.

Your dp has made it clear that his priorities come before a promotion, his baby, your new house and everything else. I would be taking note. This is going to be a sticking point for all of you at some point.

@Geneticsbunny

You know that loads of families have to full time working parents with no nannies, right?

Definitely taken note, thank you.

Tried to discuss this with him this morning re hobbies being more important, expecting me to provide the income and was met with "I feel like I can't talk to you about my feelings because you think badly of me, I'm just saying I'd be sad without my hobby"

What do you say to that?

Could you stagger your working times so one of you starts early/finishes early so to cover pick ups/drop offs?

Yes you may be sad but we chose to have a child and that comes with sacrifices. If you want to buy a house that will come with further sacrifices.

You say to him that you've got a baby now and he can't expect to continue his hobby at the previous frequency. Once a week would be fine (as long as you similarly get time to yourself weekly). He also needs to shift his mentality on whose responsibility it is to save for a deposit, why doesn't he see it as joint? I still think though that his mentality isn't all that different to women who expect their male partner to be the breadwinner.

"We are a team, a family dp, and we all need to pull together to make it work once my maternity ends. I understand you are sad about your hobbies, I am sad that I have to work very long hours instead of being with our baby. It is a huge sacrifice for me having to work so many house, we are all making sacrifices. Maybe you need some time to reset your expectations around hobbies when I go back to work, once a week is a good compromise. You can maybe do xx on Saturday and I will take Sunday morning and Friday evening as my hobby/down time? Lets work out a rota so we can work it out

We are making the same adjustments that most new parents have to do. We will get used to it. Now what is your plan in terms of getting a promotion/pay rise so we can buy our new house? As I have said we will both need to put equal amounts into the deposit"

Or the short version! And what I would say to my dh:

'Why the hell do you think you deserve 12 hours of hobby time with a brand new baby when you still haven't managed to save for a deposit for a house? Your selfish behaviour has to stop. We have a new baby now, which should be your number one priority so you need to step up or bloody ship out'

Time to grow up sunshine.

Have you pointed out that hobby time he takes over and above the amount that is equivalent to your "you" time , is time that he is taking from you. It is time one of you could use to earn money (eg to save dor a house), or time you could use for your self while he does the necessary stuff at home. So he cannot just choose to opt out without it impacting you. Especially not now you have kids.

Just like there is a family money budget,there is a family time budget. And the two are inextricably linked.

Good to read your reasoning re the promotion is sound too.

Having children changes everything.

To expect life not to change is ridiculous.

You commit to the care and cost of another human.

Deciding that you will avoid progression indefinitely/reduce your hours, and leave all financial responsibility indefinitely to the person who has carried and given birth, is not something that can just be assumed.

I'm so glad for the OP that she has not married this man child.

HIS survival instinct is very strong.
He is very much in touch with what will work best for him.

I think him reminding the OP of HER responsibility to earn and save for a home for THEM, would be hilarious if it didn't show you EXACTLY where his head is.

He is not marriage material.

Be very careful with your contraception.

"Tried to discuss this with him this morning re hobbies being more important, expecting me to provide the income and was met with "I feel like I can't talk to you about my feelings because you think badly of me, I'm just saying I'd be sad without my hobby"

You take not OP.

He is saying that he will not be happy in a relationship with you and your baby if his life is changed in any way.

He is trying to manipulate you.
Don't be manipulated by his soulful "I can't talk to you" ..cos you is mean to me🙄.

Reread your posts and imagine your reaction to them if they were from a friend.

Re read @swaying's posts and make the connection that is there.

He is avoidant.

Avoidant of you, change, the baby, saving for a home, progressing his career, managing his money, taking responsibility for the child he has brought into this world.

All he can give you is I'm sad because you are not allowing me to do exactly as he pleases whilst you behave like a benevolent fairy making everything right in his world.

That may sound harsh, but you are at the beginning of a long road.
Raising children can be challenging, especially when you are working.
Life is very expensive these days and it really takes committed teamwork to make it happen.

He is not on your team.

He is on HIS team.

Protect yourself is what we want you to do.
Two years from now you will look back on this time and will have a lot of life experience behind you.
It will feel like a lot more than two years.

Clearly something needs to be worked out between the OP and her partner to find a mutually acceptable solution. Perhaps each should drop down to do the same number of hours and each to spend equal time with the DC.

Judgmental invective (what exactly is a manchild?) against the OP’s partner is very one sided and not at all constructive. Perhaps he lacks confidence in the workplace (Peter Principle?) and feels he would rather be a chilled and effective parent rather than an overtaxed and ineffective one? There is more to life than money surely.

Jeeze the inverted sexism on this thread is strong

Whats the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

That makes no sense @Topgub - but there is a weird double standard here.

Any other thread with the sexes reversed would see OP being encouraged to cut her hours and so on and let her DH earn the money for the both. or more or whatever.

Having said that: there is no evidence that it is the same posters saying it's ok to women but not for men. And this situation is a bit different in that OP already knows (or suspects) how this is going to go down.

I like pp's idea about saying "hobby time is fine, when you've contributed to the savings for the house deposit"

What makes no sense @Brefugee

Inverted sexism?

Yeah I know, rubbish term. I meant double standard! Brain fart.

ok got you - because he would appear to be an aspiring cock lodger, not the other way round. :)

Deciding that you will avoid progression indefinitely/reduce your hours, and leave all financial responsibility indefinitely to the person who has carried and given birth, is not something that can just be assumed.

This could easily be re-written to say "Deciding that you will avoid progression indefinitely/reduce your hours, and leave all financial responsibility indefinitely to the person who has NOT carried and given birth, is not something that can just be assumed."

This thread is a good illustration of why the sole breadwinner/sole homemaker dynamic is inherently imbalanced and bad for both parties, no matter the sex of the person in whichever role. I appreciate the DH here isn't a SAHP, but there are hundreds of women here who don't work and resent their partner's desire for them to contribute financially, and are told they aren't unreasonable. "I don't need to work" is often trotted out, which I personally think is an utterly ridiculous notion. But why is he so unreasonable for holding this belief when so many women think it?

I think he is unreasonable for thinking he can still spend 3 days a week on his hobby when he has a baby and not thinking he has to contribute anything at all to the deposit, but I actually don't think he's unreasonable for not wanting to take a promotion or increase his hours because it would eat into his free time. If he earns less he should be contributing proportionately to his earnings.

Exactly @TedMullins

Posters appear to be congratulating the op for turning down a promotion and criticising him for not taking one.

Perhaps he lacks confidence in the workplace Well, actually he seems work shy to me, quietly trying to reduce his hours with his manager so op can make up the shortfall does not scream out to me at least, that this is a lack of confidence and more like entitlement to me.

feels he would rather be a chilled and effective parent rather than an overtaxed and ineffective one? Yes it is very easy to be the 'chilled' out parent when you are enjoying hobbies for 3 days of the week on part time hours. Wouldn't we ALL like to be chilled out parents? But someone has to pay the electricity bill and rent. Your post is pure indulgence, seeing it all on his terms without considering who is picking up the slack and enabling his chilled out parenting. I am sure op would like to be the effective, chilled out parent you describe, why isn't he making that happen?

There is more to life than money surely Has the cost of living crisis passed you by entirely? Unless they are packing up and joining a commune in the south west, money IS vital. Essential in fact, ask any homeless person and the idea 'there is more to life' indicates a person whom has always had the luxury of bills paid and a roof over her head queen

The fact that you are not committed enough to each other to be married and yet have a child stands out. You can't blame covid, it's a small formality to get married.
Other than that you are simply role reversing what many people do. I earned a fraction of what DH did so it made sense for him to work more hours than me. In turn I did 90% of the childcare. That was until he retired early and took over all the childcare and housework while I worked.

All this seems to centre around his "hobbies". Sort that out and you'll be a team.

How do you know he’s work shy? If he works in healthcare, I doubt there are many opportunities to swing the lead, especially in the current climate. Maybe he has taken the reasonable view that he is not able or willing to damage his health by overstretching himself.

Do we know what these hobbies are? The assumption seems to be he is dossing around, wasting time. For all you know, he could be developing skills that could be monetised.

I assure you the cost of living has not passed me by. However, as nothing in the OP’s posts appear to suggest the financial wolves are at the door, this isn’t relevant in this case is it?

I guess my point is that these threads are always so one sided, everyone just piling in with criticism instead of analysing the situation and offering constructive advice, rather than the usual kneejerk cry of LTB.

Perhaps he lacks confidence in the workplace (Peter Principle?) and feels he would rather be a chilled and effective parent rather than an overtaxed and ineffective one?

I get the principle, but a keenness to be an effective parent hasn't exactly come across in any of OP's comments about him

All I'm seeing is a wish for an easy ride, with OP paying most of the bills and little consideration for anyone but himself

This thread has really given me food for thought.

I'm a self employed healthcare professional. I set up a private practice to meet the income threshold so that my DH and I could afford to buy in Greater London. He was born in London, I'm from a nearby country. I have always worked considerable overtime, DH is non-ambitious, works in an office and whilst he is very hard-working there do not seem to be opportunities for progression. He is a wonderful Dad and does help around the house and with general life admin. He has always has lots of time for various hobbies and has his family nearby.

We had DD and I hired a maternity cover. I was still working from home and supporting my maternity cover from when DC was 5 days old. After 4 months my cover quit and I had to go back to work although PT. I've been struggling with resentment towards DH ever since.

Sending you very best wishes!

How do you know he’s work shy? Ummm, well he secretly tried to reduce his hours on the phone to his manager without asking op, that is a bit of a giveaway. Most/all decent fathers try to provide things like houses for their babies, and pay their way. Not take the first chance he gets to organise more free time for himself!

I am beginning to think you are op's dp queen? You seem incapable of seeing just how incredibly irresponsible and selfish dp is. They haven't got a shared guinea pig, a baby is a huge life long commitment and it seems he hasn't got the memo or is opting out with his 'my sad' bleats about reducing his hobby time.

I would be bloody incandescent if I were op, and he would be under no illusions of what would happen if he didn't pull his finger out. Life is hard enough without carrying the dead weight of a man child.

Thanks for being patronising, however we have analysed the situation and come to the conclusion that unless op irons out dp's magical thinking then she is in for a very rough ride indeed. He is aspiring to be a kept man/cock lodger that chooses hobbies over family and everyone else is expected to serve his needs by providing him with a house, family, money and hobby time whilst he invests the absolute bare minimum. At least op is wise and astute enough now to pick up on the red flags, and this forum is littered with the outcomes which are never positive I might add.