To feel a bit resentful already..

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Currently on mat leave, first baby. I'm the breadwinner and have just got a promotion for when I go back to work in October, earning approx 2x partners salary.

I'll be doing FT in 4 days, mum will do 2 days childcare and baby will go to a childminder one day. Partner was going to ask to cut down to 4 days at work for the final days childcare. I heard him on the phone to his manager asking to reduce his hours. Manager says, we can discuss FT in 4 days, so you won't lose out financially. Partner says, "oh well 'ivegottagoforaliedown' has a promotion and is working full time so we'll be fine".

I ask him about conversation and suggest he does full time in 4 days. He pulls a face then realises this is what I'm going to do and backtracks, saying he will do it but is worried that we would need childcare from 8-6 as opposed to 9-5.

I am already upset about going back to work. I loved my job but in all honesty I would be a SAHM for a year or two if I could. Partner works in an unqualified role in my field (healthcare) he could potentially get a better paid job but not enough to support us. Plus he is happy where he is. He knows how I feel about going back to work.

Unfortunately I can't go PT, my new role wouldn't allow it and PT in my previous role isn't enough pay wise. I feel like it's all on me. He would quite happily give up work himself or do minimal hours too. My other worry is he has a few hobbies, so I'm worried he will bugger off when I get home from work 2x a week after working PT.

He's a good dad, does his fair share round the house but always seems a bit harassed by it all if I'm honest, always saying how tired he is etc. I feel this is somehow my fault but I don't know why.

Why are 10 hour days ok for me but not him? I feel really annoyed because he knows how I feel about having to go FT.

Am I being unreasonable?

And who is it paying for you to be able to spout your invective on these forums?

The double standards on MN never cease to amaze me…

@billy1966

If he’s earning less money and you are the high earner and doing really long days then he doesn’t get to swan off on hobby days. That shit stops. He needs to be default parent and you get a whole day off at the weekend for a long lie in. That’s baseline. He picks up more child related duties.

Approaching 60 and a lifetime of experience is where my views come from.

The OP has just written she sometimes wonder would it be easier on her own.

So many posters believe women need to suck up any and all behaviour that some men think they can get away with.

The OP is very rightful to be wary of a man whose priorities will be his hobbies, cushy job, whilst she is away from her baby being the main breadwinner.

SAHD only work when they fully embrace it, not doing the very least they can get away with.

I certainly don't accept that is invective.

You’d be better off as a single parent!

Yanbu however if this was a man complaining that his wife wasn't working enough I suspect the replies would be very different.

Did you not discuss all this prior to deciding to have a kid?

Going forward I think you need to make your expectations very clear.

Both working full time over 4 days and both doing an equal amount of childcare housework is the only acceptable solution.

Also make sure if he is taking 2 nights for hobbies that you find something to do for 2 nights too.

It's hard, sometimes I think it would be easier on my own.

That changes my opinion. If you are feeling this, something is wrong. Definitely time to try to talk it through. He needs to know how much it is affecting you.

I hope you can work it out but I think if you get that feeling of your partner actually being a burden, it’s quite a big sign of trouble.

I think the differences are that we would be sharing household chores (with me potentially doing slightly more) and him away with hobbies quite a lot.

Well, OP, the ball is in your court, isn't it? You need to make an agreement - a sensible one - about who will do what.

Although. Why couldn't he go down to 4 days - plenty of women do that when their partner earns more. And they take on more of the household stuff.

Unfortunately, @billy1966 speaks a lot of sense.

But it's early days so it is possible to fix this BEFORE it gets to that point. If he is actually a good man, good partner, good dad, you can sit down and have this conversation now. Discuss expectations. Agree roles and responsibilities. eg, if he is going to do these hobbies 3x a week (seems excessive, but okay) how is he going to make it up to you so that you get some down time too? He's working fewer hours, getting plenty of leisure time while doing his hobbies, so what can he do?

eg, he needs to be the one getting up and getting DD ready while you're also up but getting yourself ready every morning (ie, instead of you getting up super early as you have to take responsibility for both yourself and her). He should be doing the drop offs/pick ups from childminder/ your mum. On the days he has no hobby he is absolutely responsible for preparing the meal, getting DD ready for bed etc and, if he has time between work and hobbies, he could be doing this too.

Then there's the whole swathe of additional things you need to agree on from shopping and cleaning to figuring out how to manage birthday planning.

Although. Why couldn't he go down to 4 days - plenty of women do that when their partner earns more. And they take on more of the household stuff.

except it's pretty clear he's NOT planning to take on more of the household stuff. If he was, then absolutely, it seems like a good solution.

So he just wants to work a day less which will be paid for by your promotion?!

Can you easily get childcare 8-6 if he's doing long hours too?

He can't maintain hobbies 2/3 times a night realistically with young children...
When are your 2/3 times a night off /out....?
Read wifework and smell the coffee this needs to be a partnership not you and 2 dc..
Why are you sorting everything out this needs fixing before you go back to work.. you should probably test run a working week if you've got time..
Or at least plan one out....
Congratulations on your promotion... this is to benefit you all not subsidise his lifestyle...

I have mixed feelings on this. I choose to work less than my partner so I can be with our child a little more and we don't have fully shared finances - we pay half each on household bills to/from a joint account but I have a lot less 'personal' money than him. This suits me as I don't like to go out as much, don't want to waste money on beer, don't often buy clothes etc - all of which are important to him. I don't expect him to cover anything extra and this works for us. We share household chores/childcare duties when he is around evenly. If your partner wants to work less but neither take on the extra chores and have you contribute more financially, that's absolutely not fair. Who pays for his hobbies?

He just waits to be told what he's doing
So tell him he needs to ask for 5 in 4 like you are?!

Why do you have to work long days and bring in the bulk of the income while he gets to reduce his hours? It doesn’t make any sense. Sounds like he’s seen an opportunity to skive.

It will make your life easier with him not doing compressed hours. My husband used to do 3 12 hour shifts a week and have 4 days off but it was honestly absolutely exhausting so he prefers shorter days.

The roles are the other way round in our house. I work part time for 3 days and he works full time. I have all school hols off so he doesn't have to worry about covering those. I make the house a nice place to live in, DIY, food shopping , meal planning etc. It benefits us both having someone to do that as well as covering sick days for the kids. We wouldn't change things.

The question is whether he will pull his weight on his days off like I do.

I think it's fine for him to go down to 4 days - compressed hours is tough. I appreciate you're doing that OP, but you say that you have no choice - if you could, it would be easier if you could do the same, if financially viable.

BUT for sure he should recognise that he's having an easier time in terms of working hours and compensate for this regarding housework and childcare. And his hobbies need to take a back seat for a while. That's the bit I'd focus on.

Sounds like he’s seen an opportunity to skive.

Exactly! Ask him why it sounds like this is what he’s doing whereas he is still expecting you to work full time hours??

I think it’s madness for both parents to work full time if a slight reduction in hours for one or both is possible both practically and financially. With both FT there is zero slack, which is incredibly stressful. Can you work out a way that he takes on more of the household admin, such as sorting bills, food shop etc, so that you can spend more of your non-work time focussing on the baby ? Basically, using that day’s worth of slack (his fifth day not worked) to buy a bit of breathing space for both of you? Abd if you can afford it please please outsource as much as you reasonably can like a cleaner who does laundry so you’re wasting your time arguing about stuff like that. In an ideal world it sounds like you’d both like to be PT but it would be shoring the family in the foot to insist he has to do FT just because you do, when you can use the slack to make life more pleasant for everyone

Perhaps try working out what help you could ‘buy in’ for £200 a month. Eg a cleaner for 2 hours a week would be around £120/month. Work out the alternative uses for the money and then ask your OH whether he’d like to do those things or work extra time each day.

This is how I looked at it when I returned to work. I decided I’d rather work more and pay someone else to do the jobs I hate than work less and do them myself.

If you both work full time hours then you will need to employ a nanny. As previous posters have pointed out there is a shit tonne of other stuff which needs doing on top of the childcare hours once you have kids which takes a lot of time up a week. E.g. cleaning, meal planning, supermarket shop, cooking, buying clothes for baby, extra washing, extra curricular activities, play dates, birthday presents, school trips/letters/events school plays etc. I have 3 kids and it easily takes a couple of days a week full time just to do all this stuff. If you can't go part time then he needs to or you need to employ someone to pick up the slack.

except it's pretty clear he's NOT planning to take on more of the household stuff. If he was, then absolutely, it seems like a good solution.

But unless i'm missing something they haven't yet had this conversation and at this point OP is worrying about it. I agree she doesn't seem to be worrying unnecessarily but there is time to either turn this around into something positive or she can (as she has touched on) go it alone.

I didn't take much maternity leave and as soon as i could i got back to work (I'm not into children) and my DH took over. In our case we had already been married a long time, and we know who is good at what, and we also know to speak up about problems while they are still small so we didn't actually have a discussion.

But it boiled down to: I worked and came home to dinner and then i did the bed-time routine and read stories and heard about their day etc. On weekends we did the big household jobs that can't be managed alone, and since i'm the one who likes plants, i did the gardening (lawn mowing etc). Eventually, because he has that kind of work, he got some part-time work, and we fitted that around what we knew we could handle and when he went full-time we spent a shit ton of money on a childminder and, again due to his job, he did mornings and i got home and did evenings.

But that kind of team work requires communication and commitment. It also requires both of you to sit down and realistically work out what needs doing and what any wishes are. Eg. I went to the gym on Sunday mornings and during lunchbreaks from work (hectic but manageable since i started early). He went to the gym on Saturday afternoons and a couple of evenings when he wasn't working - later mornings when they were at school. But you have to negotiate that kind of thing. (we also tag-teamed going out with friends because we have no family and baby sitters are expensive)

It’s because he’s a man and the main breadwinner is a woman, therefore he’s in the wrong. A lot of women have been working less hours or not at all if the man was the main breadwinner and earned enough to keep the ship afloat for a long time. I’m sure no one thought you were lazy but they would have thought your husband was if the roles were reversed. 🤷‍♀️
Has anyone said leave the b*stard yet 🤔

It is a bit of a worry that we would have the conversation and then things would change. We've had similar conversations before about me feeling that things are down to me and he reverts back.

It’s a tricky one but at the end of the day it’s not tit for tat. You are a partnership and a family and you should jointly be finding the best solution with your baby as priority.