To feel a bit resentful already..

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Currently on mat leave, first baby. I'm the breadwinner and have just got a promotion for when I go back to work in October, earning approx 2x partners salary.

I'll be doing FT in 4 days, mum will do 2 days childcare and baby will go to a childminder one day. Partner was going to ask to cut down to 4 days at work for the final days childcare. I heard him on the phone to his manager asking to reduce his hours. Manager says, we can discuss FT in 4 days, so you won't lose out financially. Partner says, "oh well 'ivegottagoforaliedown' has a promotion and is working full time so we'll be fine".

I ask him about conversation and suggest he does full time in 4 days. He pulls a face then realises this is what I'm going to do and backtracks, saying he will do it but is worried that we would need childcare from 8-6 as opposed to 9-5.

I am already upset about going back to work. I loved my job but in all honesty I would be a SAHM for a year or two if I could. Partner works in an unqualified role in my field (healthcare) he could potentially get a better paid job but not enough to support us. Plus he is happy where he is. He knows how I feel about going back to work.

Unfortunately I can't go PT, my new role wouldn't allow it and PT in my previous role isn't enough pay wise. I feel like it's all on me. He would quite happily give up work himself or do minimal hours too. My other worry is he has a few hobbies, so I'm worried he will bugger off when I get home from work 2x a week after working PT.

He's a good dad, does his fair share round the house but always seems a bit harassed by it all if I'm honest, always saying how tired he is etc. I feel this is somehow my fault but I don't know why.

Why are 10 hour days ok for me but not him? I feel really annoyed because he knows how I feel about having to go FT.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think he should do FT over 4 days like you. The baby years are short and I would bet he would be reluctant to go back to FT once the child is older and it will build resentment.

@Swayingpalmtrees I can assure you I’m not the OP’s DP. Merely an observer incredulous at the double standards in this thread.

The OP appears to want to change the set up and ideally be a SAHM (which would have a very disproportionate impact on the household finances as she earns twice his pay) and enjoy quality time away from the workplace but seems to begrudge the notion of her DP doing the same. Quite extraordinary…

I am not sure where op listed all of HER hobbies and the various times she does them throughout the week and whole days at the weekend queen nor has she secretly tried to avoid working longer hours without discussing it with her dp first....so they are in no way comparable.

Wishing you could spend more time with your young baby is hardly a crime! Although op was at pains to point this was simply not possible. Do you know how hard it is to return to work after having a baby?

It seems we are reading different threads, and you seem fixated on pushing a false narrative that dp is just wanting to be SAHP, he doesn't - he just wants more time off and more hobby time - not necessarily time to spend with his baby because if there were the case he would not be doing hobbies 3-4 times a week in the first place!

Decent men prioritise their young families first and foremost, we see op's dp prioritising only himself at the moment and is happy for op to carry the load. That is not double standards, hardly!

I like it!

I think the difference is that he doesn't want to be a stay at home dad as much as he wants hobby time. I know I can't be a SAHM, to be honest if it came to it I'd probably be too worried about the loss of financial independence. I just wish I could have more time with my baby. But I'll now only be working 3 days, so that's much better in terms of that side of things!

Thank you, you too! Sounds very difficult, lots of sacrifice on your end.

Agree re the marriage. I was happy to do a small registry office job, he wanted a party so we waited. He isn't keen on a small do as his parents are separated and he feels it would be awkward in such small numbers..

Take control of the finances
i realise if the DH was doing this id be burnt at the MN stake for suggesting it

i make more than DH and i HATE the thought of going back FT as the breadwinner.
i didnt realise how resentful id be over his finances or lack of drive/ambition ...i have said , on a bitter occasion " i wish i was married to someone richer ...waaaaaah" just so i could stay home with my darling baby.

when i got a better job DH revelled in the extra cash , and at the start i was happy to let him as it was all new to me too. Very quickly, when his outgoings became more than mine- i took charge of all income.
i think yout DH should do whatever you tell him to and his work will allow.
and underline that "hobbies " will be one night per week, with a review period to see if its working for you both.
good luck and welldone on the promotion

@NamechangeFML

Do you think she should whatever he tells her to?

Be very, very careful who cares for the baby most of the time. Courts absolutely love status quo. However you arrange things, were you to separate and have to make residency arrangements around children, the existing status quo will be very very powerful.

@Topgub
yes i did already highlight this is the very first paragraph- if thats what you meant ?
as your comment didnt actually make sense ?

@queenspark12 - the reason he sounds lazy is that he first mentions his hobby rather than time with baby. Also, although he said he would pick up extra bank shifts while OP on mat leave, he only did 2.

I’m guessing this kind of guy is not going to be planning/taking child to swimming lessons or doing extra reading with child when they get to the right age. He will probably still be thinking about hobby first. He could easily help towards the house deposit by dropping 1-2 hobby days per week and doing a bank shift.

He says that he is sad about not doing his hobby. I would say: work before play. Are you more sad about hobby or not having a house deposit? If his hobby was spending time with child, taking them to baby sensory classes etc, the hobby has multiple beneficial effects: baby benefits, he benefits and OP benefits by having some ‘me time’. I think OPs time with baby is gonna be more like this. His hobby only seems to benefit him.

@NamechangeFML my comment does make sense.

Saying you'd ne burnt at the stake for suggesting the oh do it doesn't mean you think he should.

Its completely unreasonable in any relationship for 1 person to do whatever the other tells them.

The op and her oh need to reach a compromise where they are both working roughly the same, doing the same amount of childcare and both have free time for hobbies.

Not turn their relationship into a dictatorship.

Not turn their relationship into a dictatorship

When you are the only adult in the room, and the buck stops with you then yes you do what you need to do to protect yourself, and that includes financially and in all other ways.

Op needs to ensure that in the event of a split (and she will be left literally holding the baby as many mothers are) she has her bases covered. Her finances, her job, the court arrangements that mean she doesn't lose custody of her baby in the future and plan B firmly solidly in place. To do anything else in this precarious situation would be utter madness on her part.

Yes you take control, and you have your shit together. Or would you prefer she lives on a wing and a prayer?

So you’re basically suggesting she financially abuses him (taking sole control of finances) and in the event of a split blocks access to his child? Riiiiiight.

Ten hour days are gruelling for anyone. I never quite understand why people think it's ok. My friend does them to get a day off in the week but is constantly exhausted, rushing around trying to fit stuff in. If your partner is in a health care role, is there any option for him to switch to doing shift work, nights or weekends etc? I think he needs to be prepared to be flexible and if he is the lower earner, to reconsider so that you are not having too much put on your shoulders.

@Swayingpalmtrees

There's a vast gulf between dictating every aspect of your partners life and living on a wing and a prayer.

It would be hugely unusual for a woman to lose all custody post split

@Babyroobs

Most health care shiftwork is 12 hour days

Ten hour days are gruelling for anyone. I never quite understand why people think it's ok

We do 15 hour days and sometimes longer.
This is about work ethic. 10 hours is not too bad but it rather depends what you are doing. Pure manual work carrying blocks of concrete for 10 hours might be hard, sitting at a desk not so much.

I am not suggesting anything of the sort ted I am suggesting she takes care of her own money and ensures she is not picking up all of the bills and being take advantage of. She said in her pp that he regularly runs out of money, he does not sound good with money at all. So yes, she should protect herself fully. She has a child to think of. I know of two mothers that lost custody of their children because they were the sole breadwinners, the idea that this doesn't happen particularly if the father can prove he has done the line share of childcare from a young age, it is not unusual. Of course it is would be considered fair under those circumstances. My friends are on the hook for big CM as well.

**lion share

True and I have done 12 hour shifts myself in the past as a Nurse whilst caring for four young children outside of work. I guess doing 12 hour shifts you do get 3 or 4 days off a week though, although of course with young kids there is never a day off as such !

if he waits to be told what he is doing then tell him? Set out a schedule of how much "me" time you can both have and his hobbies have to fit into his me time. if he is working less hours than you then he picks up more home chores/childcare. You might also want to address the income imbalance too...his hours are worth less than yours in monetary terms. Some teams virtually run themselves, some teams need to be run....it sounds like you need to run yours.

if the fathers genuinely were the sole carers in your friends situation then I’m not seeing the problem? Or are you saying they actually didn’t do any childcare but somehow got majority custody?

Yes of course she should look after her own finances and he should his, but if she earns more then it’s fair she pays a higher share of outgoings than him.

Let him do the 4 days.

Then discuss exactly what will happen when your child is unwell and cannot attend daycare. IME this is the real problem to contend with.

This happens a lot- especially in the first couple of years- expect it to happen at least every month then you won’t be shocked. If they get sick or have a tummy upset- it’s 48 hours off too.

if the fathers genuinely were the sole carers in your friends situation then I’m not seeing the problem? Or are you saying they actually didn’t do any childcare but somehow got majority custody?

No, they didn't do any 'meaningful parenting', so yes technically they would 'look after the baby' for much longer than my friend, but would leave the feeding, bathing and bed time routine to her. On the pretext she would want to do this the minute she walked in.He didn't even turn on the washing machine once. He didn't do any household chores. It was a court battle as in theory on paper it looked like he did most of the childcare as he set his hours at PT out of choice, on paper it was the absolute bare minimum ie just supervising the dc from afar, not interacting with them, reading, baby classes - zilch. He would also take the baby to the pub to meet his friends.

Yes of course she should look after her own finances and he should his, but if she earns more then it’s fair she pays a higher share of outgoings than him

Absolutely not. He should not be working PT but paying his way with a FT job like everyone else. Op should not be picking up the slack because he is lazy, and thinks his hobbies are more important than working. They pay half and half, and he has to step up.

ted you are being ridiculous.