To feel a bit resentful already..

[Ivegottagoforaliedown]

Currently on mat leave, first baby. I'm the breadwinner and have just got a promotion for when I go back to work in October, earning approx 2x partners salary.

I'll be doing FT in 4 days, mum will do 2 days childcare and baby will go to a childminder one day. Partner was going to ask to cut down to 4 days at work for the final days childcare. I heard him on the phone to his manager asking to reduce his hours. Manager says, we can discuss FT in 4 days, so you won't lose out financially. Partner says, "oh well 'ivegottagoforaliedown' has a promotion and is working full time so we'll be fine".

I ask him about conversation and suggest he does full time in 4 days. He pulls a face then realises this is what I'm going to do and backtracks, saying he will do it but is worried that we would need childcare from 8-6 as opposed to 9-5.

I am already upset about going back to work. I loved my job but in all honesty I would be a SAHM for a year or two if I could. Partner works in an unqualified role in my field (healthcare) he could potentially get a better paid job but not enough to support us. Plus he is happy where he is. He knows how I feel about going back to work.

Unfortunately I can't go PT, my new role wouldn't allow it and PT in my previous role isn't enough pay wise. I feel like it's all on me. He would quite happily give up work himself or do minimal hours too. My other worry is he has a few hobbies, so I'm worried he will bugger off when I get home from work 2x a week after working PT.

He's a good dad, does his fair share round the house but always seems a bit harassed by it all if I'm honest, always saying how tired he is etc. I feel this is somehow my fault but I don't know why.

Why are 10 hour days ok for me but not him? I feel really annoyed because he knows how I feel about having to go FT.

Am I being unreasonable?

My now EXDH did this to me for over 20 years, every time I got a new job, payrise, more hours etc he took it as a reason to quit his job, reduce his hours, etc etc ad nauseum.
My resentment was huge.
Of course now I've left him; he's on less than 20k, I'm on nearly 100k and he's finding excuses to not give me child maintenance. It beggars belief. Lazy bastard.

“Manager says, we can discuss FT in 4 days, so you won't lose out financially. Partner says, "oh well 'ivegottagoforaliedown' has a promotion and is working full time so we'll be fine".”

sorry I would be fuming

I really sympathise OP, I’m a decent earner and this was one of my biggest fears when I was looking for a partner. All well and good people saying maybe he could be a SAHD but that’s clearly not what the OP wants. It must be bloody hard having to work long hours with a young child and I’m horrified your DP is happy to let you slog your guts out while he takes a back seat. Let’s be realistic here, odds are he won’t be doing most of the wifework! So what’s he bringing here?

My DP actually earns less than me at the moment due to a career move, but I made it abundantly clear early on that if/when we had children I would expect to be dropping to 3 days (this would still allow me to earn a good salary so not like I wouldn’t be contributing!) He’s set to outearn me in the next ten years and that’s fine by him, he acknowledges even without kids I do most of the wifework and is happy to work longer hours to accommodate this. I wouldn’t be marrying him otherwise to be honest.

Never mind the fact that women have to do the physical bearing of the child, and yet he also expects you to be the main earner as well?! If he was trying his best to earn more I’d understand, but seems that’s not the case!

Hmmm literally his one job is to look after and love you better than you do yourself. If s partner doesn’t do that where are you in 15years when you finally divorce? You have watch your hard earned cash be splurged on his portion as assets are divided up 50%\50% - he could go after your pension or even have a go for maintenance!

You don’t trust him - reasonably - don’t marry him.

I think 10 hours a day is a lot for anyone. If you’ve arranged to work 10 hours days won’t it be good for him to knock off slightly earlier to do dinner etc?

won’t it be good for him to knock off slightly earlier to do dinner etc?

Have you read the thread? He won't be cooking dinner but going out to a hobby

OP,
Read and re read this story, because it is a variation that is posted on here with massively regretful women.

Furious with themselves that the didn't listen to their gut and cut the lazy, passive, unambitious man who wanted to be kept and the easiest way to it was to be a sahd doing the least they could get away with.

Don't be that woman.
Listen to your gut.

If you challenge him, he may well get a fright and start promising all sorts.

He needs to compress his hours and start providing for his family.

The alternative is the exhausted women who barely see their children as they juggle and pay for everything.

This really isn't someone you want to be joining finances with.

There is safety in keeping things separate.

He sounds rubbish OP. And worst of everything he's happily reclining while you're physically and mentally stressing and toiling.

That's no partnership.

And sorry but hobbies 3 X nights a week is not on. What a lovely life your husband has for himself 🤔

This is awful...

Thanks for writing out her story, terrifying to think how easy it is to end up in that position. Given me something to think about for sure.

Thank you, no plans to join finances thankfully and will keep it that way!

Update for those who are interested, we spoke last night. Basically he is going to do FT in 4 days and I'm going to stay put in my old job and do 3 10 hour days instead of 4. I feel much better about that.

However - he has the opportunity to go for a higher paid job himself but this morning has said that he won't, because they wouldn't be able to accommodate compressed hours. The reason he wants less days is so he doesn't feel bad doing his hobbies (still gets a day with baby but can do his hobby 2x a week on an evening and one day on a weekend).

When we were discussing me not taking my promotion last night he was supportive, but mentioned how we were going to save for a house.

So from this I deduce that it is my job to provide said extra income so he doesn't have to go for his promotion?

Or am I just being a cow now?!

I feel that his hobby takes up a lot of time. Will you have equivalent time off?

I recommend a book called ‘Fair Play’. It might help you to divvy up tasks fairly and avoid you being the ‘shefault’ parent.

Doing compressed hours doesn’t give you extra time? It just shifts how you use the time. He still needs to do his fair share of all the stuff that needs doing domestically. You should both have equal down time.

He’s being a dick. Wants you to get a promotion so you can buy him a house and he can carry on pissing about on golf/cycling/whatever?

bit late, but what exactly is the point of him?

Hmmmm so he gets a full day off every week to do his hobby, when do you get yours?

Yes it seems he expects you to earn the money and do the childcare.

I suspect him not doing the promised bank shifts is because it would mean missing his hobby time.

Financially things are going to get tighter it is madness that neither of you will go for the promotion.

No you are not being a cow.

He has shown you where his head is.

4 days compressed so his hobbies happen.
That is his priority.

Not you, the baby, a house.
Maintaining his hobbies.

It comes ahead of a promotion that would help pay for a home?

Honestly OP, he is in cloud cookoo land.

He really does think it is your job, hence he reminded you this morning.

He's well able to plan, weigh up his options and ascertain the best position for himself.

I actually think he is unbelievable, he really does think that it is your job to organise alone the savings for a house.

You are not a team or anything resembling one.

You have a baby and a man child.

He has laid out his plans and priorities to you and reminded you of your obligations to provide a home long term.

You are not a cow.

My advice is take this all on board.
Stop paying more than 50%.
He pays his bills at the beginning of the month.
Start saving yourself.
Ensure he does his bit.
Lay out on paper his responsibilities and tasks so it is clear what he has to do.

Start planning for an exit strategy.
2×3 and a full day at the weekend is not on.
Do not get stuck with a man long term who thinks this is reasonable.
Start leaving the baby with him for multiple hours at a time.
He needs to become more hands on.

Confide in family and friends if things become more difficult.

You are not a cow.
You are not a fool.

Would the promotion be a greater safety net for you and the baby if you end up cutting him loose?

I would not rush into saying No to it.
Give it more thought.

Think in terms of being a single parent, because the truth is you really are financially.

Exactly! Its your choice but if things don't work out I would regret not taking that promotion if it were me.

Also does he expect you to do the savings for the house deposit on your own?
Honestly OP i couldn't cope with that. Don't want to be a negative Nancy but I see major financial problems in the future but good luck x

Honestly your a little unreasonable and so is he. He doesn’t sound like he actually really wants to SAHD (and most men don’t really) and is being lazy, however you have been the high earner and career woman - and have chosen a man who was fine with that if not wanted it and now you want to change all that and have him change to be a more typical provider type man. But that’s not who you married and that’s not neccassarily the type of man who would have wanted to be with you when you were more into career.

You can’t have it both ways sorry.

Oh that's sad, will the promotion opportunity come up again? I really don't think 2 evenings and a weekend day is compatible with a young family.

Why does his wants trumps your and DC's needs?

Why are his hobbies being given higher priorities?

Don't be a mug. And don't even think about having another child with this selfish twat.

I agree with this. I suspect the OP’s partner did not ever fancy being a beast of burden either. Not everyone is able or willing to burn themselves out to make life nice and cosy for someone else.

A wise woman once told me you should never marry anyone with less than you, or who earns less, to avoid this type of situation arising. If deep down the OP wanted to be taken care of, or a SAHM for a number of years, she should’ve found someone with the same outlook in life.

Thank you, and thanks for your previous post just below this one!

I have thought about this and the promotion would mean more childcare required so staying where I am would actually be better if that happened. Plus I am due a pay rise (NHS banding) next March which wouldn't be too far off my promotion pay anyway.

My current work are generally very flexible, there are a few mums/single mums who pick their kids up from school and make up the time later. I've been there a while and I know if it came to us splitting they would be supportive.

Fair. I think to be honest it's my own feelings that have surprised me. I expected to want to return full time, liked being the breadwinner etc. But its all changed since we had baby. I don't want him to take care of me whilst I have it easy, but I do sometimes feel like I have 2 kids.

I will be able to apply for another in the future, which I think I will when baby is a bit older!

I think someone asked if he has kids from a previous relationship - no, just this one!