AIBU to not want to be woken up and sleep in spare room

[Franklyfrost]

We have recently gained a spare room and I want to sleep in it. DH gets up naturally about an hour earlier than I need to (he gets up between 5:50 and 6:10) with hours to spare before he has to leave the house. He’s a good sleeper. When he gets up he gets his clothes out of the drawers and gets dressed in the room. It only takes a few minutes but involves opening and closing four or five drawers. I’ve asked him many times not to and he’ll stop for a while then start again. On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc. Again I’ll ask him to remind the kids I’m sleeping but he ‘forgets’.

I’m a poor sleeper. I sleep lightly and wake often for hours in the night. I’ve put a lot of effort into sleeping better but it doesn’t seem to be something I can change. Dp knows this. I do 99% of the night wakings for the kids too, all of them if they’re sick and I did all the nights by myself when the kids were babies so he wasn’t tired. An extra hour sleep a day is more than a full nights extra a week. The longer I’m kept awake for the less likely I am to get back to sleep. I’ve made compromises for him regarding sleep: we go to bed when he wants, no chatting in bed, duvets not blankets, no cuddling during the night, my own duvet because he won’t share, when I’m awake during the night I’m very careful not to wake him etc.

YABU: totally normal for dp to wake you up getting ready in the mornings, he shouldn’t have to put a dressing gown on or leave his clothes elsewhere just so you can get some extra sleep
IANBU: sleep in the spare room, sleep is necessary for health, you’ve explained lots of times and nothing has changed, look after yourself.

I moved to the spare room about 18 months ago when I had a cold and was coughing and spluttering all night. After I got better I realised I was sleeping much better on my own and that it was making a big difference to my life, so I stayed here.

For us, it’s DH who is the lighter sleeper, and I found I was not getting real deep sleep because I was trying to stay still and not disturb him. DH was blaming me for his being awake in the night, now I have proof it’s nothing to do with me 🤣

I also have the issue that the kids still wake and get into bed with me, and in the marital bed they would come through and I would move us to the spare bed, which would really disturb my sleep.

so, verdict: sleeping separately is better for my sleep and mental health and I’m staying here.

I'd be opening drawers and sending the kids in to disturb his sleep until he gets it.

I'm afraid I agree with this. It's spot on. Please take it on board. Controlling someone's sleep (including waking them up by making noise) is a classic abuser's tactic.

Don't listen to apologists for your husband.

His behaviour is also designed to doubt your own judgement and it tramples all over your personal boundaries. Someone who doesn't care about a person's health and well-being isn't a loving, respectful person (sleep is fundamental to both). At the very least do the Freedom program and have a couple of individual counselling sessions with a therapist who specialises in abusive relationships.

Just read about Fishgate too. Can't you see that he's deliberately manipulating you, by making YOU feel like you're being unreasonable when he's being monstrously unreasonable.

My husband behaved in very similar ways regarding date night becoming not a date at all. I stayed far too long and wish I hadn't. So many of these things are familiar and, like you, I didn't realise it was abuse until way too late when the kids were doing starting A levels so I've had to stay when I'd rather not and I'm much older and less likely to meet someone else. I didn't have MN. Don't be me! (Btw we did couples counselling, which is designed to help you see the other person's point of view and doesn't help in cases of abuse. I know that now, too. We had couples counselling and it kept us together far too long).

He may well be coercively controlling. But another thought is might he be undiagnosed ASD and really not get how you feel and how his actions impact you? Theory of mind and all that, which can sometimes be coupled with a tendency to be self referential.

Your DH is an absolute dick. End of.

He sounds like his social skills arent very developed, or maybe he's slightly autistic and genuinely doesn't get it? Does he understand social norms when hes around other people or does he just behave like this for you? Either way...

Don't call it the spare room. Call it your room. Make it into your haven. Get a TV, even a little mini fridge and have somewhere to retreat to that's your own. It might just be a positive for your relationship if you're less tired and have somewhere to opt out of the world for a little while when you need it.

This relationship sounds very one sided op.

'If he didn't love me, he wouldn't be upset about the fish' - he was upset about the fish because he wanted it for himself

You don't want to upset him by sleeping in the spare room, yet he's happy to upset you by waking you in the mornings and letting the kids bang saucepans

I'm sorry op but love has nothing to do with it, he treats you like shit and has zero respect for you and no concern for your welfare at all

Oh @Lavenderosemary
why would you suggest he is autistic based on the evidence that he is a controlling prick? That’s not cool. Being autistic does not make someone horrible.

My husband is (probably) autistic and he is incredibly considerate and would never do any of this. If anything he overcorrects because he knows he doesn't quite 'get' people.

OP's husband is an arse. And even if a neuro difference was connected with the behaviour, it'd be a reason. Not an excuse.

The more you post about this guy, the more off he sounds. Those date night stories are very very weird behaviour on his part

What a twat!! Of course the obvious way to ensure you catch up on sleep is to leave him and share custody of your kids, then at least EOW you'll get a lovely uninterrupted lie-in. I'm not completely serious of course but I would be very tempted if I were you!!

Oh stop it.

ASD doesn't cause people to concoct deliberate pieces of hypocrisy to gaslight their spouse with. Or to deliberately deprive them of sleep, deny it, & taunt the sleepless party for being tired & upset.

'If he didn't love me, he wouldn't be upset about the fish' - he was upset about the fish because he wanted it for himself

He's not upset about the fish.
He hadn't given one thought to the fish (apart from eating the piece he wanted - alone - despite OP apparently not being allowed to!) until it presented itself as an opportunity to yet again abuse his wife over nothing.

The fish is a red herring.

This is such an upsetting thread.

The poor OP, utterly abused and so completely delusional that he loves her.

He's just another nasty abusive asshole.

The different "explanations" for this being put forward are just awful.

The apologists for abusive men on this site has never been worse.

I must admit I thought that, hide the kids in the garage.

Lol at the fish is a red herring

I remember your other threads, thanks for the reminder, PP.

You need individual counselling, OP, as couples counselling is not suitable for people in abusive relationships.

You've asserted your needs by moving into the spare room. Be aware that he will be angry about this and will either retaliate by ramping up the abuse or lovebombing you to reel you back in.

He does not love you, he is abusive to you and your children. I hope the replies on this thread will help you. Good luck.

Fishgate on its own and the degradation of ‘date night’ is proof enough that

a) he’s abusive
b) he doesn’t love you, he resents you
c) he is punishing you for whatever he can twist into being your fault
d) you won’t ever win.
e) He’ll start on dc next

get the fuck out, divorce him and take him for half while you still can

OP, Fishgate just sounds controlling to me. Date night situations were just putting you in your place. I wonder what the other events were that you mention? I think you should trust your instincts - if they sound off and awful, the probably are. Don't jump to the conclusion that you're the one who's being oversensitive or wrong.

I think you should ONLY be having counselling on your own. Your H sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant, selfish, controlling and probably abusive man.

The stories get worse and worse.

Living with this man sounds exhausting, nerve shredding and debilitating. You were only asking for an hour FFS, or using up food that he'd forgotten about and had his half of anyway, or just wanting to eat in the restaurant you'd gone out to eat in. Can you see how completely normal these things are, and how twisted it is that they are things he is deliberately denying you?

Why di you spend your savings on the food shop?

Yes, why are you spending your savings on food?

I don't know why I said that, though - this man is so abusive and such a gaslighter it's a wonder you're not in a psychiatric hospital by now.

What does a future without him look like?

Loading the dishwasher sometimes is a very small concession OP. If he was living on his own he'd have to do all his own housework, washing, shopping, cooking, childcare, admin etc.

'Not a monster' is not valuing yourself at all. He has trained you to think that way. He doesn't perceive your problems feelings to be complaining. He manipulates you into thinking you're complaining, when actually you're just wanting fairness, consideration and respect. He doesn't try not to fight; he makes you feel like you're fighting because you're trying to get some of your needs met.

Once again, I'm concerned that a couples counsellor is not what you need: they try and balance people's needs and wants. You need someone who is supporting you. Obviously they would not be on your side if you were being completely unreasonable but you really, really aren't.