AIBU to not want to be woken up and sleep in spare room

[Franklyfrost]

We have recently gained a spare room and I want to sleep in it. DH gets up naturally about an hour earlier than I need to (he gets up between 5:50 and 6:10) with hours to spare before he has to leave the house. He’s a good sleeper. When he gets up he gets his clothes out of the drawers and gets dressed in the room. It only takes a few minutes but involves opening and closing four or five drawers. I’ve asked him many times not to and he’ll stop for a while then start again. On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc. Again I’ll ask him to remind the kids I’m sleeping but he ‘forgets’.

I’m a poor sleeper. I sleep lightly and wake often for hours in the night. I’ve put a lot of effort into sleeping better but it doesn’t seem to be something I can change. Dp knows this. I do 99% of the night wakings for the kids too, all of them if they’re sick and I did all the nights by myself when the kids were babies so he wasn’t tired. An extra hour sleep a day is more than a full nights extra a week. The longer I’m kept awake for the less likely I am to get back to sleep. I’ve made compromises for him regarding sleep: we go to bed when he wants, no chatting in bed, duvets not blankets, no cuddling during the night, my own duvet because he won’t share, when I’m awake during the night I’m very careful not to wake him etc.

YABU: totally normal for dp to wake you up getting ready in the mornings, he shouldn’t have to put a dressing gown on or leave his clothes elsewhere just so you can get some extra sleep
IANBU: sleep in the spare room, sleep is necessary for health, you’ve explained lots of times and nothing has changed, look after yourself.

Even more examples of how badly he treats you.

You have been bullied and gas lit into believing he is right and you aren't.

Please get some individual therapy and ditch the couples counselling to find your own thoughts and feelings instead of listening to him.

It depends how long it takes you to own the facts I suppose.
If you spend the entire session minimising his behaviour & blaming yourself for his appalling selfishness, probably not.

If you tell the truth - he is financially abusing you, subjecting you to coercive control, & deliberately sabotaging your sleep - she should be able to say something.

If she does not, & does not recommend that you withdraw from couples counselling & go solo only from now on - she is NOT the counsellor for you.
By now, she should have sniffed out the facts that so many PP here have.
YOU NEED TO STOP ATTENDING COUPLES THERAPY WITH YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER.

Fucking hell. Posted earlier in this thread thinking it was an inconsiderate twat. Now I realise he is an abusive cunt and the op is complicit in the abuse. Poor bloody kids.

Op leave him, this is not normal behaviour from either of you and you will absolutely fuck those kids up.

Poor bloody kids. Quite so @HighlandCowbag

He's already getting physical with OP's 11/12 year old son (not his son btw - OP had 2 DC previously to him, & 2 with him).

OP, just because he is helpful some of the time doesn't excuse the shitty behaviour. As you are starting to realise, he knows exactly what he is doing. His behaviour is designed to keep you in your place and him in control. He has to appear nice to you at least some of the time or else he knows you would leave. But fundamentally this man puts himself first, and you are basically there to facilitate his needs.

I would strongly encourage you to stop the couples counselling, and seek individual counselling instead. Please also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I think it will be an eye opener for you.

We were once told of the Victorian secret to a happy marriage - "share a roof but not a ceiling"!
I truly envy your spare room. Dh snores like nothing else.
He does have the decency to get his clothes ready the night before and put them in the bathroom so he can get dressed after showering if it's not a morning I need to get up early.

Move the drawers to the spare room so he gets ready in the spare room?

My DH is a lighter sleeper than me and I'm up earlier on work days so I take my outfit, makeup, toothbrush etc- everything I need for the morning out of the bedroom in the evening so I'm not hoking about the bedroom first thing in the morning and waking him up. Its not fair for him to be woke up early when it's me getting up for work. Could your DH not do this (as well as have a little bit more respect for you in the mornings)?

I hate, absolutely hate threads like these, where an OP is utterly abused and controlled and can’t see it.

@Franklyfrost he is vile to you and controlling, coercive, emotionally and financially abusive. Not only that, he’s done such a number on you that you’re terrified of being ‘unkind’ to the nasty cunt, and do everything in your power to make everything easy for him.

I want to find these men, pin them down, tell them exactly what I think of them and then help the woman escape. Not a rational response, but one I can’t suppress due to my sister being abused for years and me not realising.

I agree with all PP.

The waking you when he wakes, is the least of your issues.

He is abusive. Emotionally, Financially.

You need some individual counselling. You need to call WA

You need to leave him for the sake of your DC (one of which it sounds like he has been physical with)

OP just a thought on fishgate.
Why is it okay for him to buy and have fish on his own. But when you eat fish on your own you are unacceptable for not sharing your slice of fish and is hurtful to him that is was your thing and you did it alone. So you feel bad and go running out to fix your 'mistake'
His is a controlling arse.
You do not need permission to have fish.
You do not need to wait for him to go to bed.
He doesn't love you. He loves the control he has of you.

He does sound awful.

Me and DH have completely different sleep patterns but we respect each other and try not to wake each other.

He tends to go to bed at least 2 hours after me but I rarely hear him. I get up before him and again try my best not to wake him.

When either of us used to have to be up really early we would put all our clothes in the bathroom and try not to wake the other person or the kids.

You are definitely not unreasonable, he is being an arsehole.

I will take a pp suggestion that I do a two week trial of sleeping in the spare room. It seems like such a big and antagonistic step to stop sharing rooms, I really don't want to, DP will be hurt and it will be my fault.

I guarantee that you moving to the spare room won't hurt your H.
It will anger him - because he will no longer be controlling the time you go to bed, or able to police his absurd no blanket/touching/talking rules.

Those rules are hardly the diktats of a man who would miss your company in bed together, are they? So you have no reason to worry about 'hurting' him with your need for sleep FFS.

He also wants you there so he can pass-agg wake you up every morning, deny it, minimise it, & blame you for being pissed off about it.

OP just a thought on fishgate.
Why is it okay for him to buy and have fish on his own.

I missed that bit of deliberate hypocrisy.
OP - can you see this yet?
He ate fish on his own. He concocted FishGate as a reason to give you more abuse. He is awful to you. And your son. & I bet your other DC.

That's so sad to read as it makes no sense or logic at all and puts a totally new spin on thinks as perhaps have others finding your prior posts.

You need to seek individual help about this. He's got you thinking up is down.

Sleep in the spare room with a BIG sign on the door saying do not disturb before 7.30 or whenever

Well done OP for moving into the spare room and standing your ground about that. It was obviously v difficult for you.

I am glad too that you are reflecting on previous times when he has been outrageously rude (the dates) and that you are starting to see the pattern. It is a start.

As frustrating as it is to read posts like yours because it is patently obvious how abused you are, I do understand that your perspective is very warped and that you need time and support to work your way out of this. I hope you get the support you need.

If you are finding your counsellor a bit strange or not feeling understood, don’t blame yourself. Not all counsellors are great, and everyone needs to find someone who “gets” them. I appreciate this is not easy. Just remember that you are worth it. This is it, this is your life, what happens from here on is something you can control no matter what you think your partner will say or do.

Get in the spare room. Put a lock on the door so dc can't burst in and so dh can't disturb you with made up questions and other twatty helplessness.

I have my own separate room. I need my sleep and can't be dealing with snoring, having to be careful about fidgeting in bed etc. And you know what I also want my own space to just chill, watch videos, keep my stuff etc. My husband was sulky about it at first but now he's completely forgotten it was even my idea and believes he chose for us to sleep in separate rooms because of my snoring.

I would sleep in the spare room. With earplugs 😇

Dp felt that I was selfish eating the fish and it transpires that by not sharing my lunch time fish I am being hurtful
He told me, and the kids when I was out of the room, that my portion sizes were too big.
He said I mean for buying nice food for myself
He often has lunch and snacks from the fancy supermarket next to his work or eats out or at the canteen

I suppose the point of fishgate is that if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t be hurt by my not sharing?

Just read these statements back to yourself. The man who is supposed to love you, to be your companion for life, the father of your children, begrudges you food. Food that he happily treats himself to whenever he wants.

He knows he can’t come out and say don’t buy nice things for yourself, so has concocted fishgate to stop you buying nice things for yourself, knowing he himself can buy them whenever he wants.

That isn’t love, OP.

I’ve read your updates op; I think you need separate houses not just separate bedrooms. He’s consistently not kind or nice to you.

It sounds like he's gaslighting you a bit with the comments about your 'angry' reactions to things.

You really don't sound very happy, OP, and he sounds very difficult to be with.

I hope that your counselling helps you work things through.

Just coming back on after my previous comment to say:

Don't doubt yourself, OP.

Nothing you have said about your reactions, what you need, or what you are thinking, is unreasonable. Being angry and upset at your husband isn't unreasonable, it's completely understandable and it's OK to have feelings.

Your husband is the unreasonable one and he isn't validating or acknowledging how you feel. That is not a functional way to behave in an intimate relationship - he is the one with the problem.

It can be very hard when you're in a relationship with gaslighting because it makes you doubt yourself, but you are 100% not in the wrong here. Know that.

Look up gaslighting in relationships OP and see if it applies. I think it does and it might help you to have a label for some of this stuff that you can take to your counselling. He's making you doubt whether what you are saying/ doing/ how you are reacting is normal or reasonable. (and it absolutely is).