AIBU to not want to be woken up and sleep in spare room

[Franklyfrost]

We have recently gained a spare room and I want to sleep in it. DH gets up naturally about an hour earlier than I need to (he gets up between 5:50 and 6:10) with hours to spare before he has to leave the house. He’s a good sleeper. When he gets up he gets his clothes out of the drawers and gets dressed in the room. It only takes a few minutes but involves opening and closing four or five drawers. I’ve asked him many times not to and he’ll stop for a while then start again. On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc. Again I’ll ask him to remind the kids I’m sleeping but he ‘forgets’.

I’m a poor sleeper. I sleep lightly and wake often for hours in the night. I’ve put a lot of effort into sleeping better but it doesn’t seem to be something I can change. Dp knows this. I do 99% of the night wakings for the kids too, all of them if they’re sick and I did all the nights by myself when the kids were babies so he wasn’t tired. An extra hour sleep a day is more than a full nights extra a week. The longer I’m kept awake for the less likely I am to get back to sleep. I’ve made compromises for him regarding sleep: we go to bed when he wants, no chatting in bed, duvets not blankets, no cuddling during the night, my own duvet because he won’t share, when I’m awake during the night I’m very careful not to wake him etc.

YABU: totally normal for dp to wake you up getting ready in the mornings, he shouldn’t have to put a dressing gown on or leave his clothes elsewhere just so you can get some extra sleep
IANBU: sleep in the spare room, sleep is necessary for health, you’ve explained lots of times and nothing has changed, look after yourself.

Yeah, I’d be wrong for being angry about it. He forgot, it’s no big deal. And it wouldn’t be but he always forgets.

No big deal? NO BIG DEAL?
Sleep deprivation is recognised as a method of torture by human rights organisations.

He either doesn't give a shit about you OP - &/or he is deliberately orchestrating a campaign of abuse to undermine you.
You say you feel like a household appliance. Supposing you are right?
Underneath your exhaustion & confusion, despite the way he has made you question your own judgement, your instincts are sound & they are screaming at you to hear them.

Couples counselling is NOT recommended by professionals when one of the couple is abusive. H is definitely abusive. He's using many of the textbook techniques.
So I think you should ditch couples counselling, & switch entirely to solo. As you have a solo session lined up already, this should be simple to arrange. Don't discuss it with H - you could maybe wait until you've had the first solo session, & IF you feel you can trust & work well with the counsellor, just tell H that couples isn't doing much for you.

For now - move into the spare room. No discussion, & refuse to countenance any input from him about it. Your sleep is "no big deal" to him because it only affects you, not him. This is the consequence. Until he can learn to be more considerate, you are prioritising sleep over his wish to impose a bedtime on you, & his refusal to get up for DC night wakes, & his inability to get up in the morning without crashing about & waking you.

I have every confidence he will still find ways to cause disruption to your sleep.
But you need - as well as sleep - a safe harbour, where you can close the door, sleep as much as you are able, & not be lying awake wondering about when H is next going to undermine & sabotage you - & then blame you for it. Make it your own little sanctuary while you work out what you are going to do long term.

This with bells on! Why ??

DC are never too young to learn to respect others in the household.

The whole set up sounds completely miserable. I don’t think any adult should be told when to go to bed for starters and the fact he won’t let you cuddle him or chat to him in bed is completely soulless. Forget the spare room, I’d get a new house.

The thing is, I think he does love me. He just doesn’t thinks it’s not his job to do anything for me not matter how minor.

Come on now OP - give yourself a shake.
Can you think of a single person who you love that you could behave to as H behaves to you?
Can you think of anyone who loves anyone thinking "not my job" about giving that loved one the most basic respect & consideration?

Also - I think I recognise your username now - have you posted about H before?
How long has he been maing you suffer, & question yourself like this?

He sounds very selfish, tbh. I can be rather selfish myself, but I do try to keep it to a reasonable level. I regularly wake up before my husband, and I do what I can to let him sleep for another hour or two. That's the bare minimum of what you do for someone you care about. I'd do that for someone I only barely liked!

From your other examples of how he behaves, he either doesn't care or doesn't understand how to express that care. What's the point of therapy if it's not addressing something as basic as that? He can learn that he needs to do XYZ to express care for you (you love languages, to phrase it another way), but he first has to care enough to learn and remember the things that make you feel loved. It's not asking too much!

Like you OP I was the one who did all the nights with the children while my, then, husband, now exh, slept.

He's a very heavy sleeper and I've always woken at the least little noise.

He would always come to bed long after I'd gone to bed and would turn on the light and get himself ready for bed with lots of door banging and drawer sliding knowing that he was waking me up and I'd be woken at some point in the night by one of the children.

It was a pattern of behaviour that showed that he didn't give a damn about me or my wellbeing.

You husband sounds very similar. Allowing the children to bang saucepan lids outside your bedroom door when you're trying to sleep says it all really.

He also sound incredibly controlling in other ways. Is this what you really want for the rest of your life?

This.

My ex would turn on the lights, make noises, etc when he got up earlier than I did. However if his precious DD was asleep we had to tip toe around, couldn't turn on the TV, whisper, basically act like the dead so we wouldn't wake her - and she never got up before noon!

It told me exactly how he felt about me just by the different treatment he showed his DD vs how he treated me when I was asleep/trying to go to sleep.

We’re struggling a bit as a couple (in therapy) and although I’ll be clear that I’m moving room because I need sleep I fear it will be seen as me being unkind.

And yet waking you up and being a general twat about it isn't worrying him that he might seem unkind? Why are you letting this happen?

In your shoes, as per pp, I'd be sleeping in a different house, at least for a while. Otherwise, go in the other room (and lock the door to make the point that you don't want him disturbing you. If he gets good sleep, he won't mind seeing to the DCs for a while?

@MrsTerryPratchett · 11/05/2022 14:53
Yes, I’ve asked. He just thinks I’m being ‘angry’ and shouldn’t be. For him the problem is always my reaction, never the actual event. He says, ‘I didn’t wake you up on purpose, stop being so angry’.

OK so what would happen if you switched to blankets, went to bed when you liked, touched him when you wanted? What if you just do what you like and forget to be considerate?

….

That’s a great question. I’m not a pushover but it’s not in my nature to begrudge small requests. Last time I touched him by accident in his sleep he swiped me away (not hard and entirely unconsciously). If I put blankets on the bed I think he’d sleep under the duvet still.

I don’t want to have to be inconsiderate, life is hard for everyone sometimes and the little things can matter. If I can easily accommodate someone’s request I will. Plus I’m sure I’m selfish enough without trying to be.

You are being a complete doormat.

look at all the things you’ve comprised on already. Bedding, bedtime habits etc. And you worry that he’ll think you ‘unkind’ if you try to
get sleep in another room.

fuck that.

I certainly wouldn’t be tip toeing around his needs when you wake in the night if he doesn’t afford you the same courtesy!!

he isn’t respecting or helping you. You are t on a relationship but a dictatorship. But you are allowing it to continue by bending over to his every whim and demand.

please stop. You aren’t being unreasonable in that he could get dressed in the bathroom or something. My partner did when on shifts. Hed put his clothes in the bathroom the night before and in the morning he was just up and in there and out the house. No being a selfish shit and waking up me hours before I need to be up etc.

he doesn’t respect you or care for your needs.

Yes, the words "that doesn't work for me" would definitely be said.

OMG this was me - DH would sit on the bed to put his socks and shoes on thereby shoogling the bed and waking me every morning - but I thought couples were supposed to share a bed , he had an early start -poor DH.
He didn't get up for DCs ever. Utterly selfish.

I now sleep blissfully alone.

What you need to do OP is not just move to the spare room but redecorate it to your taste, tv in there if you want, lovely new bedding and pillows, storage for your stuff.It is your sanctuary and the miserable selfish sod can F off.

Get earplugs tell the DCs that Dad is available too and if they bang pans outside your room feed them sandwiches for a week. He is teaching your DCs to disrespect you, this seriously not on!!!!!!

I don’t want to have to be inconsiderate, life is hard for everyone sometimes and the little things can matter. If I can easily accommodate someone’s request I will. Plus I’m sure I’m selfish enough without trying to be.

But if you're in a relationship with a twat, and you won't leave, then you need a bargaining position. Either you both please yourselves or you both please each other as well. He can pick.

Personally I'd end the relationship because life is too short to live with someone who doesn't care about you in the slightest.

Your updates are sad OP.

You ask him repeatedly to move boxes.
He ignores these requests
You do it yourself
He gets annoyed at you 'touching his stuff', and then somehow turns it all on you - it's all your fault for 'not giving him a deadline' and he is angry at you for getting upset at his shit attitude.

All this shows:
He doesn't pull his weight
He will turn every situation around on you, everything is your fault
He thinks his behaviour is perfect and you are being unreasonable to be upset about it - he can't or won't accept any fault or do any self reflection
In the absence of any logical arguments he will resort to acting like a petulant teenager "you touched my stuff!!". Most people would say 'thanks for moving my stuff, sorry I never got round to it. It sounds like he is deflecting and accusing you of being controlling when it is in fact him that has really rigid behaviour that affects you and is therefore controlling you.

I would have a serious think about how he treats you compared to how you treat him. You deserve to be treated with respect and at the moment it isn't happening. And I think the chances of him having some sort of epiphany and deciding to pull his weight, deciding to be considerate of others, and reflecting on his own behaviour and actually listening to what you're saying, are very very low. I genuinely think you might be happier on your own. What would you advise your children to do if they were with someone who woke them up for no reason, and had a go at them for touching their stuff, and didn't allow them to express any emotions without accusing them of being angry and controlling?

Pretty sure he will just find ways to disturb your sleep even if you do start to sleep in the spare room.

Honestly, cut your losses and leave him - even if he loves you it hardly matters does it because who wants to be treated the way he treats you?!

The thing is, I think he does love me. He just doesn’t thinks it’s not his job to do anything for me not matter how minor.

That's not actual love and you know it.

As for the bed. Most people who see German beds instantly recognise the genius. It isn't about 2 duvets - it is also about separate mattresses (so if one sits on the side, it doesn't shoogle (@Ferngreen brilliant word!) the mattress for the other.

Also if you have separate duvets, and he bats you away if you touch him - is that because he is paying particular attention to his own sleep health? but not yours? If you have separate covers, why can't you put blankets over your half? (but seriously: USE THE SPARE ROOM).

Are you in therapy for your issues with him? (couples or just you?)
I couldn't live with someone like this at all. Not at all. And i would definitely be going to bed just when i wanted (and probably to hammer home a point, opening and closing all the drawers etc to find my night things)

@TheGoogleMum TheGoogleMum · 11/05/2022 14:37
My DH gets pouty at the thought is sleeping in separate beds. I dont care as long as I het a good night's sleep! Could he keep his clothes in the spare room as a compromise so he's getting ready in there instead? Maybe give him a chance and suggest he try harder to let you sleep (mention all of the points in your first post) and if he can't do it then you'll sleep in the spare room and it's nothing personal it's just necessary for sleep. Tell him how awful you feel due to lack of sleep make sure he knows just how detrimental it is.

…..

I’ve tried all this. But thank you for the suggestions , they’re what I thought would work too.

I'd say as a rule if my DH is up before me he does do things like change in the room... but he will keep DD at bay if I'm catching up on sleep. If it was every day though then there definitely needs to be a better to manage this. He needs to prioritise your needs more. I've been known to move downstairs to sofa when I couldn't sleep through his snoring when I had particularly bad insomnia... if you keep moving to the spare room maybe he'll get the hint. Also he really should do some of the night duty its unfair for it to all fall on one person.

You have more patience than me. In your position, I'd keep a couple of those saucepans in the bedroom and, every time I had to get up to deal with a night waking, I'd make a bit of music right next to his head to work out my frustrations before going back to sleep. So he had the pleasure of sharing all the night wakings with me. He probably wouldn't be so keen to get up with the larks after that.

My DH was reluctant to help with night wakings too. Apparently, he didn't 'hear' our DC. But he did notice me putting all the lights in our bedroom on and 'accidentally' kicking him or landing on him hard when getting in and out of bed. Eventually he got the message and, although it was never 50/50, it did improve or he'd take DC during the day at weekends so I could have a nap.

I will take a pp suggestion that I do a two week trial of sleeping in the spare room. It seems like such a big and antagonistic step to stop sharing rooms, I really don't want to, DP will be hurt and it will be my fault.

It's all so confusing, I don't know why we have to fight all the time. We fought about an old piece of fish last week. A warning before reading about fishgate: this is a ridiculous argument about an old piece of fish and you have a busy life you're supposed to be leading.

Back story: I do the food shop. Anyone in the household can add to the list, I buy it, anyone can eat it. (Not sure if it's relevant but I'm a sahm so I'm spending my savings on it). We used to have a mini date night on Wednesdays which started off as us going out, then became a take out, then a home cooked meal which was fish (unusual for us as the kids are vegetarian). Eventually the Wednesday meals stoped. We were normally fighting, dp said he didn't want to spend time with me as a friend and I got fed up of cooking only to be told I was wrong to ask him to serve the food or he'd take an hour to come to the table when asked or whatever. I stopped buying fish weekly but still buy it and have it for lunch once every fortnight.

The fight: Dp bought some fish himself from the shop, ate one fillet and left the other in the fridge. When it was four days old I ate the other fillet for lunch. Dp messages me about missing fish. I drop the kids at home after talking them swimming, go straight back out and buy another piece, so dp was without fish for maybe an hour. He can eat any of the food that I buy plus the fish was old so I thought it was okay to eat it and maybe he'd left it for me. Dp felt that I was selfish eating the fish and it transpires that by not sharing my lunch time fish I am being hurtful because we used to share the fish. He told me, and the kids when I was out of the room, that my portion sizes were too big. (There are no concerns about my weight). He said I mean for buying nice food for myself even though he's the one who said he had no interest in our mini date nights. He often has lunch and snacks from the fancy supermarket next to his work or eats lunch out or at the canteen. I have never expressed an interest in what he eats for lunch. So now I'm left, a grown adult, unable to eat fish for lunch without it being an act of unkindness. It's ridiculous. I bought myself a steak for lunch in secret defiance and hid the evidence. I'm so confused. It makes no sense. How is that even an argument?

I suppose the point of fishgate is that if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t be hurt by my not sharing?

He sounds controlling, actually, rather than anything else. This doesn't sound like 'love'

It’s very sad seeing you say you think you’re selfish when you’re being such a doormat. He’s really done a good job of destroying your confidence and self esteem.
Apart from all the rest, can you not see your words: “he was annoyed because I’d touched his things and hadn’t given him a ‘set date and time’ to move them in. I said that maybe he could say something nice about the room instead, given the thousands of things and bits of furniture I’d sorted out and he relied that I was pathetic and it was ridiculous that I wanted praise.” - and realise that this is very, very abnormal behaviour of his?

“DP will be hurt and it will be my fault” - no he won’t be hurt, he’ll be angry and it’s his fault entirely. He’s trained you very well, I’m afraid.