AIBU to not want to be woken up and sleep in spare room

[Franklyfrost]

We have recently gained a spare room and I want to sleep in it. DH gets up naturally about an hour earlier than I need to (he gets up between 5:50 and 6:10) with hours to spare before he has to leave the house. He’s a good sleeper. When he gets up he gets his clothes out of the drawers and gets dressed in the room. It only takes a few minutes but involves opening and closing four or five drawers. I’ve asked him many times not to and he’ll stop for a while then start again. On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc. Again I’ll ask him to remind the kids I’m sleeping but he ‘forgets’.

I’m a poor sleeper. I sleep lightly and wake often for hours in the night. I’ve put a lot of effort into sleeping better but it doesn’t seem to be something I can change. Dp knows this. I do 99% of the night wakings for the kids too, all of them if they’re sick and I did all the nights by myself when the kids were babies so he wasn’t tired. An extra hour sleep a day is more than a full nights extra a week. The longer I’m kept awake for the less likely I am to get back to sleep. I’ve made compromises for him regarding sleep: we go to bed when he wants, no chatting in bed, duvets not blankets, no cuddling during the night, my own duvet because he won’t share, when I’m awake during the night I’m very careful not to wake him etc.

YABU: totally normal for dp to wake you up getting ready in the mornings, he shouldn’t have to put a dressing gown on or leave his clothes elsewhere just so you can get some extra sleep
IANBU: sleep in the spare room, sleep is necessary for health, you’ve explained lots of times and nothing has changed, look after yourself.

I was tempted to wake him when I’m up at night but I don’t want to be mean (look what happened to The Twits). I do love having someone in bed at night and I’m trying to make us work as a couple but it’s just stupid argument after stupid argument. We only made up on Monday after our last argument which was in a way similar: I’d spent all week unpacking the room where all our belongings had been stored during building works and turned it into a kids bedroom (they’d been sleeping in the lounge). It was packed floor to ceiling. It was all done apart from a few of his boxes. I asked nicely on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday if he could move them. On Sunday I started to move his boxes into a neat pile in the next room and he was annoyed because I’d touched his things and hadn’t given him a ‘set date and time’ to move them in. I said that maybe he could say something nice about the room instead, given the thousands of things and bits of furniture I’d sorted out and he relied that I was pathetic and it was ridiculous that I wanted praise. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave him but I don’t think it’s okay to be treated like this. It would be normal to say ‘oh that looks nice’ wouldn’t it? Rather than complain about a tiny detail. I have a session by myself with the couplers therapist next week. I wish she’d just tell me what to do!

Sleep in the spare room. Unbroken sleep is very important for physical and mental health. You might find you aren't such a poor sleeper when you are on your own. I'm a very light sleeper too, and DH wakes me constantly just by breathing or tuning over. If I sleep by myself I hardly wake at all.

@Philisophigal
Philisophigal · 11/05/2022 13:36
I wake up before 6am. I can't imagine having to creep around my own house. I don't put the TV on or anything but I will out the washing machine on, let the dogs out, wash up etc. I think you sound entirely unreasonable. Now lack of sleep can make a person unreasonable and that is perfectly understandable but the poor man already has so many rules I'm place. You sound very controlling and I geek quite sorry for you OH. You should go and sleep in the spare room but also be mindful that it isn't everyone else's problem you don't sleep well. You share your home and others live in it.
…….

DH! You’re on mumsnet!?
Seriously though, I think this is exactly what he thinks.

And I can't imagine being so inconsiderate as to wake people up when they haven't had enough sleep.

When my kids sleep in during weekends I'm also quiet if it's before midday. It's not hard to do.

@Philisophigal

Philisophigal · 11/05/2022 13:36
I wake up before 6am. I can't imagine having to creep around my own house. I don't put the TV on or anything but I will out the washing machine on, let the dogs out, wash up etc. I think you sound entirely unreasonable. Now lack of sleep can make a person unreasonable and that is perfectly understandable but the poor man already has so many rules I'm place. You sound very controlling and I geek quite sorry for you OH. You should go and sleep in the spare room but also be mindful that it isn't everyone else's problem you don't sleep well. You share your home and others live in it.
…….

I’ve been thinking about this, it’s exactly it: dp sees it as me controlling him, whereas I see it as basic manners.

I'm sorry, he sounds completely awful. I wouldn't even want him as a friend let alone a husband.

I hope couples counselling helps.

It sounds like he doesn't even like you let alone love you

Don't get me wrong, I'm also terrible at unpacking. In the anecdote you describe, I probably also would have left the boxes for ages until DH finally did it. However I'd be very grateful and apologetic and in return I'd do some other task that DH had been putting off (for example, sorting out dd's old clothes to take to charity, or something). I definitely wouldn't be calling him "pathetic" for sorting something out that I'd been putting off!!

And you weren't being ridiculous or wanting praise. You were wanting gratitude and appreciation. Your dh doesn't appreciate you at all

"I didn't wake you up on purpose, stop being so angry"

If I step on someone's toe, I apologise even if thought it was an accident. If I bump into someone in a corridor, I apologise even though it was an accident.

He may not have intended to wake you up, but he did wake you up. And he does it repeatedly even though you've asked him not to. That deserves an apology and some effort not to do it again.

That he can't be bothered to even try, is quite a statement about his feelings towards you.

Your instinct is right, nobody who cares about you would allow this sleep deprivation to continue. It's the most basic level of consideration to someone, not to fuck up their sleep. Or to feel entitled to allow them to do ALL the DC night waking. That is really shocking.

No wonder you are questioning whether your (perfectly valid) need to get some sleep is unreasonable OP - because he is DARVO'ing you.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
Telling you that your reaction to his poor behaviour is wrong is an attempt to deflect from his actions.
Telling you that your feelings are "wrong" is manipulative, & demonstrates his contempt for you & your natural & reasonable emotions.

What would happen if you replied to him:
"Whether you woke me on purpose or not is beside the point - it's constant, & costs me sleep I desperately need - so why are you incapable of remembering to be more considerate?"

Would he just bluster & find a way of telling you that you are in the wrong?

For him the problem is always my reaction, never the actual event.
This is about more than the sleep, isn't it?
I reckon he's like this in other areas of your lives too.
Why do you think he allows the DC to bang saucepan lids outside your bedroom when you are trying to sleep?
Why do you have to go to bed at a time he dictates?

But is your OH doing all the night wakings (and therefore having their sleep repeatedly disturbed) so that you can have an unbroken night's sleep?

And what rules does the 'poor man' have in place? I can see lots of rules for OP about bedtimes/duvets etc. The only rules I can see in her post for her DH are a request not to bang drawers and a request to keep the kids quiet in the mornings (neither of which OP's DH is doing). That's not 'so many rules', it's just asking OP's DH to be considerate.

OP - go sleep in the spare room. And put a lock on the door to stop the kids getting in in the mornings. If your DH won't change to allow you to sleep properly, you need to be the one to change.

This!

OK. So it's pretty clear he's been gasighting you for years if you no longer feel able to trust your own judgement OP. I am so sorry.

Apologies am reading piecemeal & imagine many PP have already jumped on this update - so will read on to learn more ... but just for now -

I wish I didn’t get angry because that’s what he then sees as the problem.
He doesn't, OP.
He winds you up with his outrageousness until you have nowhere to go but a confused & frustrated implosion.
THEN he has what he wants - the emotional response he can use to blame YOU for HIS horrible behaviour.
It's coercively controlling.

Well done for getting shot of him Diddly.

OP's H sounds vindictive, too. It's all so deliberate, & inescapable. He won't wake for the DC, he won't get up quietly, & he makes allows the DC to bang saucepan lids outside her door to make sure she doesn't get to catch up on morning sleep at weekends.

You're either replied on the wrong thread @Philisophigal or you need to go for a nap, as you haven't understood OP's posts in the slightest.

My DH gets pouty at the thought is sleeping in separate beds. I dont care as long as I het a good night's sleep! Could he keep his clothes in the spare room as a compromise so he's getting ready in there instead? Maybe give him a chance and suggest he try harder to let you sleep (mention all of the points in your first post) and if he can't do it then you'll sleep in the spare room and it's nothing personal it's just necessary for sleep. Tell him how awful you feel due to lack of sleep make sure he knows just how detrimental it is. Sorry you're going through this I have had sleep problems in the past and its awful

Your update about the boxes is no surprise. This man does not care about you, he isn’t naming the bare effort to be considerate to you.

He just takes abs takes, expecting you to do all the night wakings and then not even allowing you to sleep in the morning.

Also with the boxes, you were just expected to do all the work and then also the mental load of managing when HE opens HIS boxes.

You need to be more selfish because he is not going to give you an inch. Or leave him.

@KettrickenSmiled What would happen if you replied to him:
"Whether you woke me on purpose or not is beside the point - it's constant, & costs me sleep I desperately need - so why are you incapable of remembering to be more considerate?"

Would he just bluster & find a way of telling you that you are in the wrong?

…..

Yeah, I’d be wrong for being angry about it. He forgot, it’s no big deal. And it wouldn’t be but he always forgets.

Who gives a shit if you sleeping in the other room is seen to be ‘unkind’ by him? Seriously? Why would you give a fuck? Because what he’s doing to you is cruel and unless he’s a total half-wit, entirely deliberate.

if he functions as a human adult male, with a job, then I don’t believe for one second that he forgets to let you sleep.

@Indicatrice

Indicatrice · 11/05/2022 14:40
Your update about the boxes is no surprise. This man does not care about you, he isn’t naming the bare effort to be considerate to you.

…….

The thing is, I think he does love me. He just doesn’t thinks it’s not his job to do anything for me not matter how minor.

@Franklyfrost do you really think that's love, OP?

The real question is how can you stomach even looking at someone who day in, day out demonstrates how little he gives a shit about you?

On MN, standards are often very low and talk of abuse is often slapped down as hyperbolic.

I would call your husbands deliberate waking of you as highly abusive.

He is not a good man, husband or father.

He doesn't share the load and actively messes with your daily to make your day much harder.

Moving into the spare room would be the least of it.

I would be ringing Womens aid for a chat and looking at what your future will look like.

Do you really want to spend it with someone who is so deliberately uncaring.

Yes, I’ve asked. He just thinks I’m being ‘angry’ and shouldn’t be. For him the problem is always my reaction, never the actual event. He says, ‘I didn’t wake you up on purpose, stop being so angry’.

OK so what would happen if you switched to blankets, went to bed when you liked, touched him when you wanted? What if you just do what you like and forget to be considerate?

Can you just put his clothes in the spare room so he HAS to go there to dress?

That sounds like a miserable sort of ‘love’.