AIBU to not want to be woken up and sleep in spare room

[Franklyfrost]

We have recently gained a spare room and I want to sleep in it. DH gets up naturally about an hour earlier than I need to (he gets up between 5:50 and 6:10) with hours to spare before he has to leave the house. He’s a good sleeper. When he gets up he gets his clothes out of the drawers and gets dressed in the room. It only takes a few minutes but involves opening and closing four or five drawers. I’ve asked him many times not to and he’ll stop for a while then start again. On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc. Again I’ll ask him to remind the kids I’m sleeping but he ‘forgets’.

I’m a poor sleeper. I sleep lightly and wake often for hours in the night. I’ve put a lot of effort into sleeping better but it doesn’t seem to be something I can change. Dp knows this. I do 99% of the night wakings for the kids too, all of them if they’re sick and I did all the nights by myself when the kids were babies so he wasn’t tired. An extra hour sleep a day is more than a full nights extra a week. The longer I’m kept awake for the less likely I am to get back to sleep. I’ve made compromises for him regarding sleep: we go to bed when he wants, no chatting in bed, duvets not blankets, no cuddling during the night, my own duvet because he won’t share, when I’m awake during the night I’m very careful not to wake him etc.

YABU: totally normal for dp to wake you up getting ready in the mornings, he shouldn’t have to put a dressing gown on or leave his clothes elsewhere just so you can get some extra sleep
IANBU: sleep in the spare room, sleep is necessary for health, you’ve explained lots of times and nothing has changed, look after yourself.

He obviously doesn't get it and doesn't want to get it. Sleep in the other room.

I’d be sleeping in a different house, never mind the spare room if someone told me when I was allowed to go to bed. But yeah sleep where you like!

This is painful to read, hes being an utter twat, sleep in the spare room and stay up as long as you like! If he is this controlling about other things I would be leaving him

Yanbu at all but you should sleep in the spare room; you’ll both sleep better

Separate room. Have done it for years. We both love it.

He sounds quite demanding. I often get up before DH. Clothes and anything else from the bedroom I need are left in the bathroom the night before. It’s just considerate.

He sounds selfish. Why are you doing all the night wakings? Why can't he help on his days off at least (if you're a SAHM)?

It sounds like he sees it all as your job and that therefore you should be ok with little sleep whilst he gets a solid 8 hours.

His sleep isn't the issue though, the concern here is OP.

Your h is being unreasonable. H goes to work this early. His clothes are on the banister in the hall. He leaves the room in darkness. Gets washed and dressed in the family bathroom. He only puts on lights he needs - we have glass above bedroom doors so never puts the hall light on for example. I’m light sleeper and yet rarely woken.

Separate bedrooms all the way. Sharing is overrated.

But you will still have a DH problem if he is letting the kids wake you up.

I'd rather he sleep in the spare room and have my own room to myself in your shoes.

Why the everloving fuck are you allowing your kids to bang saucepan loads outside your bedroom?

Fuck that for a laugh.

I would move into the spare room permanently. If your DH has a problem, list out everything you told us, and offer him the spare room instead .

I'm inclined to see your partner's side in this, but yes, spare rooms sound like the best answer.

My DP sounds very much like you except I'm the one up through the night as well. I haven't had a lie in for years to try and accommodate his poor sleep. I'm always up first because I have to be - and when you can't even get in to where your clothes are to get dressed for the day, or spend hours telling DCs not to wake up the other parent it's a bit lonely and soul destroying. Then he wonders why I like sleeping in another room!

Sorry that's just my problem and not to have a go at you, as I understand how you must struggle, but I do see your OH's side.

We always get dressed super silently and lights OFF if the other is sleeping. Just basic human kindness and consideration…

A kid banging a saucepan -often- fuck that! You have DH problem.

Why is his sleep more precious & yours not at all important?

My DH wakes an hour before me too but unlike you I can fall back to sleep very easily. I do value sleep a lot though so I'm 100% with you in your situation and your DH is a twat if he complains about that. It would be a very "I'm alright Jack" type attitude

He is being very demonstrative with how little he thinks of you, in the way he acts around your sleep.

Someone who genuinely cares about you wouldn't do this.

As others have said, he thinks his sleep is more important than yours. Ask him why he thinks this.

If he starts to splutter, remind him that he keeps ‘forgetting’ to stop the kids making noise when you’re sleeping and he keeps ‘forgetting’ to get dressed quietly. Ask him why he thinks you’re not worth the effort of getting dressed in another room.

Keep asking until he admits it. He’s a selfish arse.

We’re struggling a bit as a couple (in therapy) and although I’ll be clear that I’m moving room because I need sleep I fear it will be seen as me being unkind. I’d prefer to sleep in the same room as him but would really benefit from the extra sleep.

I would always try to not to wake someone if it wasn’t much effort to let them sleep. He does things sometimes that are so different to what I would do that it makes me doubt my judgement about what’s reasonable, so thank you for the advice.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/05/2022 10:06
He is being very demonstrative with how little he thinks of you, in the way he acts around your sleep.

Someone who genuinely cares about you wouldn't do this.

……

That’s the bigger issue. He doesn’t make me feel cared for. And I’m not sure if I’m being too demanding or if I deserve some care.

What he is doing is unkind; my DH wakes earlier than me but he gets dressed in another room and on my mornings to sleep he will stop the kids coming in to wake me

Wow he’s an arsehole. I suggest you either wake him every hour or sleep in the spare bedroom. I can see why you’re in counselling!

This!!! Why are your kids allowed to do this? Fucking hell!

I would tell him he's got one more chance to be considerate of your well being and need for sleep and that if that fails, then you will absolutely be moving into the spare room. What age are your kids? Unless we are talking 2 or 3 there is no reason whatsoever for them not to know they don't wake Mummy (or Daddy) up until a certain time. Are they old enough for GroClocks in the room?

Christ you are not demanding at all. He has everything his way and you get the leftovers which sounds like very slim pickings.

therapy on your own is probably more helpful in your situation. Life is too short for this carry on.