AIBU to not want to be woken up and sleep in spare room

[Franklyfrost]

We have recently gained a spare room and I want to sleep in it. DH gets up naturally about an hour earlier than I need to (he gets up between 5:50 and 6:10) with hours to spare before he has to leave the house. He’s a good sleeper. When he gets up he gets his clothes out of the drawers and gets dressed in the room. It only takes a few minutes but involves opening and closing four or five drawers. I’ve asked him many times not to and he’ll stop for a while then start again. On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc. Again I’ll ask him to remind the kids I’m sleeping but he ‘forgets’.

I’m a poor sleeper. I sleep lightly and wake often for hours in the night. I’ve put a lot of effort into sleeping better but it doesn’t seem to be something I can change. Dp knows this. I do 99% of the night wakings for the kids too, all of them if they’re sick and I did all the nights by myself when the kids were babies so he wasn’t tired. An extra hour sleep a day is more than a full nights extra a week. The longer I’m kept awake for the less likely I am to get back to sleep. I’ve made compromises for him regarding sleep: we go to bed when he wants, no chatting in bed, duvets not blankets, no cuddling during the night, my own duvet because he won’t share, when I’m awake during the night I’m very careful not to wake him etc.

YABU: totally normal for dp to wake you up getting ready in the mornings, he shouldn’t have to put a dressing gown on or leave his clothes elsewhere just so you can get some extra sleep
IANBU: sleep in the spare room, sleep is necessary for health, you’ve explained lots of times and nothing has changed, look after yourself.

From your other threads -

You do the food shop except in special circumstances - like the birthday party you were hosting for your then 5 year old, which you furnished DP with a list for.
He ignored the list, & returned with 4 lettuces. Nothing else.

DP pushes your oldest child around, shoving & in at least once instance hurting him.

You are unable to study for the career you have planned, as DP refuses to pay for childcare, & you are kept on the hop all day & night as he doesn't step up for childcare.

You reached the end of your tether late last year/early this year. You described this as finally falling out of love, but resolving to stay together 'for the kids' or ;until studying is done' or ... some other nebulous reason.

But here you are now, saying your DP is now your DH.
Did you marry him?
What do you want now?

Above all - why are you tying yourself in knots about "being unkind" by removing yourself to the spare room, when your DP/DH is a malicious, controlling arsehole who abuses your son, as well as you?

He doesn't love you.
He isn't hurt.
If it wasn't fish, he would have found something else to be ridiculous about.

He likes keeping you undermined, on tenterhooks, & constantly obsessing over how to please him/keep him from being even meaner to you.
I imagine he'd rather you did that than got on with your studies, or returned to work, where you would eventually able to be financially free of him.

@KettrickenSmiled if that’s the same OP I get it now and will ignore this thread. If this is all true it’s one of those “I’m a doormat, AIBU for not being even more of a doormat?” threads that for me, are the worst thing about Mumsnet.

Move to the spare room. Tell him your health is suffering. You need a good chunk of undisturbed sleep.
My dh wanted me to go to bed at the same time as him because he couldn't sleep without me beside him He'd get to sleep and then snore all bloody night.
I moved permanently to spare room. Best thing we ever did. We get on better, because we are both well rested. He still "pays me a visit" every now and then. It's improved our relationship.

That update is horrific.

You are so ground down by abuse, you have no idea.

You have children growing up in that.

God help you all.

That’s a really really strange way of looking at things. He’s not hurt, he’s just a spoilt little twat who is used to having everything his own way. He’s controlling you. He does not ‘forget’ not to be quiet in the mornings, he just doesn’t care enough about you to even try. It’s pathetic that you have to go to bed at the same time as him and when in bed not ‘allowed’ to open your mouth. Now he’s trying to control your food intake. How dare he make you feel bad about your portion size! He’ll be telling you what to and what not to wear next. And I would not be at all surprised if he told your kids to clang the saucepan lids right outside your bedroom.Your husband is an awful human being and you moving into the spare bedroom is not far enough!

No the lesson to learn from fishgate is that no matter what you do, he will twist it around onto you so that you second guess yourself and worry about his feelings and reactions.

I know exactly how this feels - I’ve had it from two exes. It’s called DARVO and it’s a classic abuser tactic made to keep you doubting yourself and feeling bad for him. I don’t know if these people even know they’re doing it half the time, it’s just that they’re so spectacularly self centred that it makes sense in their heads that their wishes trump yours.

He’s a contrary fucker and none of it will ever make sense because it’s ridiculous. He doesn’t give a shit about a 4 day old piece of fish, he just wants you to know that everything wrong with date night/dinner time/lunch time is because you’re a big selfish meanie. Spoiler alert: you’re not.

OP, I have read all your posts (not the whole thread though).

Your DH is awful.

You are tiptoeing round trying to appease him.

You are spending your savings on groceries? Financial abuse?

He picks fights.

It is not you (I don't think you should be doing counselling with him either).

If he is that bad, and I don’t think he is (although he has done some things I find worrying), would the couples therapist say anything when I see her alone next week? I don’t think she can but I’m not sure.

Why are you using savings for food?

What are you getting out of this relationship that fulfills something for you?

You've written about what you do to accommodate him but nothing about how he reciprocates. Seeing the counsellor alone sounds like a good move so you can focus on yourself in the relationship and not get lost in his demands and constant negging.

I think I might ask him to just kindly bleep the f**k off, stuff his fish where the sun don't shine, and leave - he sounds like so much hard work. What do you actually get that's positive out of the relationship? Genuinely/seriously give this some thought

You are confused because you are living with someone who denies you the right to be yourself. You feel something, express it, and he tells you that you’re “wrong”.

Your long posts are mostly justifying what and why you feel a certain way. This is not normal. People feel however they feel, there is no right or wrong about it. It is hugely disrespectful of your husband to deny your feelings, they are at your core.

You are tiptoeing around him and it sounds as though your every waking move is considered to avoid confrontation.

Again, this is not normal. You have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. You have a right to your feelings, to be respected.

The fact that this is such an alien concept to you speaks volumes about how far removed you have become from what is normal. He has systematically destroyed your sense of agency, your confidence and self respect.

No wonder you can’t sleep. Your anxiety must be sky high.

Look, so long as you live with this man you are not going to be ok, never mind sleep.

There are ways you can rebuild your ability to sleep well but only after you remove yourself from this dreadful relationship.

I know you don’t want to hear this. I know you think you love him. I know you have no perspective on how far removed you are from being yourself. I know that you will probably ignore this and continue to try to think of ways to strengthen your relationship.

Just remember that as long as you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same outcome. So long as you live with this man, you will be unhappy. He will not change. Why would he? It’s all working very nicely for him.

In any case, people don’t change unless they are hugely motivated and are prepared to do the work. Can you honestly see him doing that?

No your counsellor won’t say, Look he’s a gigantic prick, he’s abusing you and you need to get out now. But if they are any good, they will ask you how you are doing, what you want and what is stopping you from getting that (him) ie try to nudge you along to figuring it out yourself.

I think you have a lot of work to do to recover your confidence and self esteem. I just hope you have the courage to break away from this man who is basically destroying you.

I think he loves me. That’s a positive thing. He loads the dishwasher sometimes and if we’re not fighting will help me move heavy things. He looks after the kids on a Sunday while I go for a run. Tonight he’s ordering us a takeaway. He helps one of the kids with his reading about once a week. The normal stuff. He’s not a monster. He’s not much emotional support because our arguments destroy me and he perceives me discussing my problems to be complaining, which technically is true. But I think we both try, perhaps not very successfully, to not fight.

@BoDerek No your counsellor won’t say, Look he’s a gigantic prick, he’s abusing you and you need to get out now. But if they are any good, they will ask you how you are doing, what you want and what is stopping you from getting that (him) ie try to nudge you along to figuring it out yourself.
……

That’s interesting, thanks. She’s done a couple of things in couples therapy where she’s just said to me ‘you’re right, you know, you’re right’ when I’m complaining about something. It’s very disconcerting.

You're a better person than me.

I would have murdered him by now.

Franklyfrost · 11/05/2022 17:26
I think he loves me. That’s a positive thing. He loads the dishwasher sometimes and if we’re not fighting will help me move heavy things. He looks after the kids on a Sunday while I go for a run. Tonight he’s ordering us a takeaway. He helps one of the kids with his reading about once a week. The normal stuff. He’s not a monster. He’s not much emotional support because our arguments destroy me and he perceives me discussing my problems to be complaining, which technically is true. But I think we both try, perhaps not very successfully, to not fight.

……..

That was a reply to @HappyGoLuckyLuLu

I’m going to be very blunt. That is not love. That is minimal, and actually quite pathetic, investment in family life.

You say he looks after the kids as though it’s praiseworthy. That’s nuts. He’s their dad! Do you “look after them so he can do whatever”! No, you’re their mum. It should be a given that parents look after their own children, not an award/winning feat.

He ordered a takeaway? Dear god. Would you expect praise for ordering a takeaway? Earlier you described him being an hour late to your date night dinner. That alone is grounds for divorce in my book.

He “helps out with the kids’ reading once a week”? Helps out? No, he’s their parent. And that’s a pretty dismal effort.

Wow

Your bar is so low

He just isn't kind or considerate and your needs are completely ignored meanwhile he acts like some god that needs to be revered.

This is not love. That is concealed anger at his lack of control.

This?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Is this really the example you want to set for your children of a healthy relationship? As a pp said, your bar is so low.

I'm sad that you "think" he loves you but you don't know that he does. Was he always so selfish in his expectations & has he always directed you in what you have to do to suit his needs (go to bed early, not touch him etc et ) while ignoring your needs and requests? Or has this crept in over time? Have you been together long?

It just sounds anything but healthy & this is your one life, do you want to live like this forever?? Take some time to really think about what you're willing to settle for vs what your ideal life would be like

Good luck!

The more you post the worse he sounds. Why on earth are you spending your savings on food ?
'Fishgate' another horrible thing.
Never mind separate beds I'd be looking at separate houses.
Do you want your kids to copy him or think it's acceptable?

@BoDerek
Earlier you described him being an hour late to your date night dinner. That alone is grounds for divorce in my book.

……

Well that got me thinking. We hadn’t had a meal without the kids for two years. I arranged child care. We were going to meet for a drink at the pub and then go to a near by restaurant. I arrived on time and he was finishing his meal in the pub. He didn’t see what the problem was as we could get a take away for me from the restaurant once he’d eaten. Two years after this I again arrange childcare for a second time and invite him to dinner. We have two hours at the restaurant. He turns up an hour late and doesn’t apologise. He doesn’t see what the problem is, he did text to suggest we eat a take out in the car park instead of at the (not fancy) restaurant. He went home after work for no reason even though the restaurant was on his way home from work. The problem was my reaction, not his behaviour.

Anyway. Thanks for all the support. I told him I’d be sleeping upstairs for a couple of weeks. He helped me carry the spare bed into the spare room. Spurred on by Bo Dereks standards I told him calmly that thought I was right, he was wrong and that I knew he didn’t treat me well. I explained that I deserved not to be woken and a few other examples. He just said, ‘I know’. I’m not sure if it was slightly creepily or endearing but thanks for all the help everyone. It’s really hard to get any perspective on intimate relationships, I appreciate the input.