AIBU to not want to be woken up and sleep in spare room

[Franklyfrost]

We have recently gained a spare room and I want to sleep in it. DH gets up naturally about an hour earlier than I need to (he gets up between 5:50 and 6:10) with hours to spare before he has to leave the house. He’s a good sleeper. When he gets up he gets his clothes out of the drawers and gets dressed in the room. It only takes a few minutes but involves opening and closing four or five drawers. I’ve asked him many times not to and he’ll stop for a while then start again. On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc. Again I’ll ask him to remind the kids I’m sleeping but he ‘forgets’.

I’m a poor sleeper. I sleep lightly and wake often for hours in the night. I’ve put a lot of effort into sleeping better but it doesn’t seem to be something I can change. Dp knows this. I do 99% of the night wakings for the kids too, all of them if they’re sick and I did all the nights by myself when the kids were babies so he wasn’t tired. An extra hour sleep a day is more than a full nights extra a week. The longer I’m kept awake for the less likely I am to get back to sleep. I’ve made compromises for him regarding sleep: we go to bed when he wants, no chatting in bed, duvets not blankets, no cuddling during the night, my own duvet because he won’t share, when I’m awake during the night I’m very careful not to wake him etc.

YABU: totally normal for dp to wake you up getting ready in the mornings, he shouldn’t have to put a dressing gown on or leave his clothes elsewhere just so you can get some extra sleep
IANBU: sleep in the spare room, sleep is necessary for health, you’ve explained lots of times and nothing has changed, look after yourself.

I would sleep in the other room, or just stop being so considerate of him during the night - perhaps you could also 'forget' to try not to wake him up

My exh used to shower in our en suite at 6 am. Clatter drawers.. His idea of me having a lie in was to take the dc downstairs for their breakfast then send them to play in their bedrooms.. Either side of ours. While he napped on the sofa.
Exh.
Ex.

Perhaps try banging a saucepan outside a room he is sleeping in and see how he likes it?

Or tell your kids to stop banging saucepans?

You know that the kids aren’t spontaneously deciding to bring saucepan lids upstairs and bang them while you’re asleep?! That’s such a nasty thing to do it can only be coming from him, kids wouldn’t think to do that. If they wanted you they would come and knock or jump on you, not sit outside your room with kitchen equipment. He’s a twat. I’m sorry you’re married to him

My husband leaves for work at 5-6am most days.

he always gets his clothes ready the night before and washes/brushes his teeth in the kitchen. He makes such an effort not to disturb any of us.

your DH is being UR.

I gte up 45 minutes before dh.
I have my alarm on quiet vibrate, I creep out ofthe room with my dressing gown, shutting door as quietly as I can.
Downstairs I use loo but don't flush, make a cup of tea, but creep round being as quiet as I can.

Why? because I am not a dickhead, and my dh is still asleep.

His lack of care about this, and he lack of ability to understand that he is being unkind etc is a really fundamental issue.

He’s being passive aggressive

the kids being allowed/encouraged to wake you up is what proves this

go nuclear at him and at them perhaps at the same time, let them see how unacceptable it is so they know not to do it - even if he tells them to.

my oh is a bit inconsiderate but I do know it’s not because he means to. yours seems to be making a point of doing it.

have you tried melatonin? What age are you? Wondering on your hormonal levels?

I’ve done a few mental early mornings for business trips recently and I got everything I needed ready the night before
so as not to disturb him

actually this time I forgot to take my suitcase out into the hall, so I picked it up and carried it rather than make noise by zipping it or wheeling it.

it’s what we do when we care about others and appreciate their needs

I occasionally have this issue with DH. What (eventually) worked was me refusing to do stuff when I was tired which impacted on him. So if he woke me on a weekend morning then wanted me to do something Saturday afternoon like go out for lunch, or go shopping or something I would say I was too tired and was going to have a nap instead. Or if he woke me in the week, pass cooking chores over to him because I was too tired, or make dinner for an earlier time than what he preferred.

Actions has consequences and with either selfish or thoughtless people you have to show them the consequences sometimes. Dh goes through phases of being stressed with work, which impacts on his thoughtlessness. It's not okto do that but asking him not to doesn't aways sink in. Fucking up his weekend by being a moody, tired fucker absolutely does.

My DH used to do this about a different issue. I said to him "it is on purpose because you know it's an issue, I've asked you to do it differently to resolve the problem, and you continually and repeatedly CHOOSE to carry on. That makes it deliberate."

It was difficult but he did eventually get it. We were also having other issues and it was part of an overall problem around him not thinking about me, and treating me like staff/furniture.

We are seriously considering sleeping in separate rooms.

it started because one or other of us would be snoring so would pack off to the spare room. I sleep so much better when he isn't in the bed. I like to sleep with the window open all year round, he only wants it if it's a heatwave night and even then only a little bit, I want the whole duvet scrunched around me and not be under it, his alarm goes at 6.15, I dont need to get up until 7.15, the list goes on...

When I used to go to the gym for a 6.00am class, I put my clothes in the bathroom, had a fitbit alarm so it didnt ring and wake everyone up and just rolled out of bed. He is being inconsiderate.

Sleep is important!

Is banging the saucepan lids an actual example? Because that's typically am adult turn of phrase and not something any child would really think to do.

Appropriately supervised children dont get as far as opening the cupboard never mind taking them to the other side of the house. IF that happened it's not possible that the supervising adult doesnt hear and immediately shut it down.

So for that example alone, I think he is actively being a bullying arsehole because it is calculated to upset you via the manipulated children who are being encouraged to so it and then told off by a wide-eyed dad/husband. Really nasty stuff.

And of course yanbu. A partner should make life easier not harder if he didn't live there you would sleep better. Doesnt sound like a nice place to live.

He sounds incredibly selfish OP ☹️

yanbu

Same as other PPs here. DH gets up an hour earlier - he sorts his clothes out the night before and tiptoes about with his phone torch on. I do the same if I have an early start.

DH and I have slept in separate beds for about 7 years. It's bliss. We often start together and he wanders off to his room. Same reasons. DH is a shit sleeper. I think it's better we both get the sleep we need (toddler allowing!)

On weekends if he’s awake he won’t stop the kids from waking me up so they’ll come and play in the bedroom or bang sauce pan lids outside the door etc

What??

This is a well framed argument. Absolutely deliberate and massively inconsiderate.

@zurala
We were also having other issues and it was part of an overall problem around him not thinking about me, and treating me like staff/furniture.

…..

Its funny you mention furniture, I often feel like an appliance. It’s as if he doesn’t understand I’m human.

As quiet as you are being for him every night is how quiet he should be every morning for you.
I wouldn't discuss you sleeping in the other room, I would just make it mine and start sleeping in there. If he asks, you can just say I've asked you to be considerate in the mornings, this is the only way I can go to bed when I want and get up when I need to.

There has been some interest in banging saucepans! Yes it’s a real example of what I was woken up a few days ago by.

My youngest goes to a nursery (that the next sibling in age went to last year) where they have ‘music lessons’ which include banging a ‘drum kit’ made out of saucepans. He’s been recreating this game at home which doesn’t normally bother me because:

1. we have no neighbours
2. it only ever lasts about 10 min
3. they put the saucepans away
4. they know it’s inappropriate to make loud noises in public spaces or other peoples homes
5. they stop if I ask
6. they take the pans into another room (or the corridor)
7. it’s not a game they’ll be playing for months, it’ll stop soon enough so they might as well enjoy it while they can
8. I’m a bit of a crunchy mum so it ticks the imagination, creativity, reusing, cooperation etc boxes for me

I don’t think DP encouraged them to do so, I think he was reading the paper or watching a screen and the kids decided to make some ‘music’

Philisophigal Are your family telling you it's waking you up though? If you were asked not to put the washing machine on until 7am because it was waking everyone else would you ignore them?

I might be projecting my own experiences but I'm getting very bad vibes about this man and your marriage.

Move until the other room, get some sleep. When you're less tired you'll be able to process things better and get your sense of perspective back.