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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What assumptions /judgements would you make about me / my life?

160 replies

Salisws · 10/05/2022 23:17

I am 34, single, never had a relationship (don’t want one).
I have a phD and a professional career I enjoy.
I recently bought my own home, live on my own there with two cats.
I don’t lead the single party lifestyle, live in a rural town, all my friends are now married with families so I don’t see that much of them.
I have hobbies - I go running, do Yoga, help backstage with local Am-dram, volunteer with Scouts.
I go on holiday now and again, sometimes on my own, sometimes with my sister.

I am happy with my life. Yes I am lonely sometimes, but lonely because my friends no longer have as much time for me, rather than lonely for a partner.

I know women who would be/are desperately unhappy in my shoes, my life choices certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. And there’s that stereotype of the spinster with the cats.

I wonder what assumptions new acquaintances make about me when they find out the above? Do they think I live a sad and unfulfilled life, or that I have some sort of awful personality flaw?

If you know anyone like me, what did you think / wonder about them as you got to know them? Or what do you think / wonder about me having read my post?

Thank you

OP posts:
GreenNewDealNow · 10/05/2022 23:21

I think you sound sane and normal. Some very conventional people may judge you. Many will not be bothered at all!

Rollerbird · 10/05/2022 23:24

I would love to have been confident enough to be like this when your age instead of thinking I had to have a partner /husband or everyone would judge me or think I was a failure.

alwaysscared · 10/05/2022 23:25

Sounds like my perfect life

ChuckGarabedian · 10/05/2022 23:25

I think if you say you are happy with your life I would take you at your word. Sounds like you have plenty going with work, pets, hobbies so I wouldn’t think unfulfilled either.

Moppincraxy · 10/05/2022 23:26

I think you sound confident, you know what you want, you're at peace with yourself.

I would also be a bit curious about why you haven't been in a relationship or want one. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all, but I would just be interested to know your thoughts about it (but would never ask you unless we were really close friends).

And cats are awesome so that would make me warm to you even more 😊

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 10/05/2022 23:28

I am positively green with envy!
If I had my life over again (in a knowing then what I know now way) I would be you!!

Original poster
Salisws · 10/05/2022 23:29

Thanks for replying! How do you think the conventional people would be judging me?

I’m not trying to feed paranoia or anything, I’m just interested to know. Until I was 30 anyone who learned I was single for the first time used to confidently proclaim I would find my match soon! Now if doesn’t happen so much, people keep their mouths closed but I wonder what is in their heads?

OP posts:
eyesandearsandamouth · 10/05/2022 23:29

I always find that the people who say I don't want this or that, are actually saying it doesn't suit me or it doesn't come on my terms. So I always feel it's a bit of cover act, but no one's life is perfect.

BritBoxBangers · 10/05/2022 23:30

I think you sound like some who knows what they want, maybe not great at compromise. Likes things how you like them….maybe rigid?

Spitescreen · 10/05/2022 23:31

I have several friends with similar lives to yours. In general, I would count them as fulfilled people, not always incandescently thrilled with existence (I mean, who is?), but interested in and engaged with their lives, confident in their choices and broadly living the right lives for them. If you’re lonely at times, I’d suggest finding more single and childfree people as friends? Or people with older/adult children.

cantsaveme · 10/05/2022 23:32

A couple of my best friends are just like you and they're a breath of fresh air! They don't talk about kids all the time and are interesting to be around. They're the ones I like spending time the most and I want to be the one holidaying child free with them.

You sound lovely.

Original poster
Salisws · 10/05/2022 23:33

Oh just seen more comments! Thanks for the positivity! 😊
I’m not sure why I haven’t been in a relationship really, I just never met anyone who I liked in that way. Had lots of interest from men, but ultimately I never met anyone who I didn’t want to say goodbye to at the end of the night.

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 10/05/2022 23:35

I’m similar to you but older. I’ve always felt that a lot of women felt threatened by my contentment with my own life, and resented it.

Doona · 10/05/2022 23:35

I'm a conventional suburban mother and I cautiously admire women like you. Obviously, you can get much more done in life without kids. I say cautiously because when I was in the same position it didn't feel nice for me, but if it does for you, you are lucky. It's a much more reasonable way to live life.

SheilaWilcox · 10/05/2022 23:36

Sounds wonderful.

I would probably wonder why you hadn't had any relationships at all, as that is a less common, but wouldn't judge.
Sounds like you have a very varied and active life and I'm jealous!

Brainfogmcfogface · 10/05/2022 23:37

I wish I’d been this sure instead of getting involved with the wrong man, though I do have children and wouldn’t want a life without them, but I don’t feel any need to be in a relationship nor do I think I ever will, I can see myself never having one again and being quite happy with that, so what do I think of you OP? Goals! I’m sure there are many people who feel the same but don’t have the confidence to live their truth so lumber themselves with a man/woman just to meet societal expectations

watcherintherye · 10/05/2022 23:41

I think a lot of people fall into doing certain things in their lives because of others’ or society’s expectations. I think it’s great if you have the confidence to stick with doing what feels right for you.

bluedomino · 10/05/2022 23:44

I think you sound like you've got your shit together. Self sufficient, confidence to live your life your way. Not stuck in a miserable relationship or staying put for the children then frightened of middle age. I never think of single people as lonely as I've always found myself most lonely in a relationship. I think having children isn't everything and you can have a good life without them and the worry they bring. You sound like a good role model for girls, life can be good, if not better without a man. Maybe your life is what the Suffragettes hoped more of us would get to enjoy.

MarmiteCoriander · 10/05/2022 23:45

Given just the above info, I might think that someone of your age, who spent years at uni and never had a relationship might be either very religious, possibly SEN and a savant or just too busy studying. I read that as meaning you are a virgin, but might be completely wrong? Irrelevant anyway if you are happy?

You seem to have a good outlook and a busy, happy life which is surely all that matters?

Carie2 · 10/05/2022 23:46

Honestly, with no b/s? If you came across like - I prefer to be alone, I really don't want a partner/not looking for love. I'd possibly assume you were asexual, or had some trauma in your life which meant you didn't want a sexual/intimate/close relationship.

That said I wouldn't assume you were lonely or sad about your life choice if you appeared happy and confident in your choice.

But you asked for a genuine assumption and while what I've written I'm sure isn't the PC thing to reply, it's an assumption I might ponder on. To be clear I wouldn't think it was a fact but it might be something I wondered about if I knew you well enough to know you didn't want a relationship but not be close enough to you to ask you why. If that makes sense?

I have a close relative who was in an abusive relationship (DV) and after she said she'd never have a relationship again, and she never once did (been over 30yrs now). She is happier in her single life than she ever was married. So maybe that's where my assumption stems from.

Hope that's not offensive in anyway! You asked a straight up question and that's my honest reply.

But as others have said I wouldn't think your life was in anyway unfulfilled - I just would think you made different life choices that were right for you, whatever the reason behind those life choices are, they are the right ones for you if you're happy!

Throwawaytoday · 10/05/2022 23:47

You sound like one of my dearest friends (except she lives in a city in the US and is 10 years older).

PhD, cats, interests, friends (some closer some more distant).

She'd consider herself a-romantic, she just doesn't want romantic relationships.

She'd also consider herself a-sexual these days, but she had sexual partners when she was younger.

She is one of my favourite people in the world, and perfectly happy with her slightly unusual, but full life.

MardyOldGoth · 10/05/2022 23:47

I think I'd be pretty impressed tbh. You've achieved a lot and you're living your life to your own specifications. I wish I was as decisive, successful and confident.

catandcoffee · 10/05/2022 23:52

I would think... what a brilliant, confident women ... living your life 💪

Original poster
Salisws · 10/05/2022 23:52

Maybe your life is what the Suffragettes hoped more of us would get to enjoy. This really made me smile, thank you!!
And thank you too @Carie2 I’m not at all offended, this kind of honest reply is exactly what I’m hoping for! I do think I could probably be classes as asexual. I had sex twice in my late 20s just to see what it was like, and I didn’t enjoy it much. After that I haven’t bothered. No past trauma.

It’s reassuring to know that even though you might wonder those things, you wouldn’t judge me for it!

OP posts:
onedayiwillflyaway1 · 10/05/2022 23:53

Why do you care? Different people assume different things. I couldn't give two flying shits what people think of me.
I used to, but then i divorced got a cat judge all you want I'm happy 😉.

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