What assumptions /judgements would you make about me / my life?

[Salisws]

I am 34, single, never had a relationship (don’t want one).
I have a phD and a professional career I enjoy.
I recently bought my own home, live on my own there with two cats.
I don’t lead the single party lifestyle, live in a rural town, all my friends are now married with families so I don’t see that much of them.
I have hobbies - I go running, do Yoga, help backstage with local Am-dram, volunteer with Scouts.
I go on holiday now and again, sometimes on my own, sometimes with my sister.

I am happy with my life. Yes I am lonely sometimes, but lonely because my friends no longer have as much time for me, rather than lonely for a partner.

I know women who would be/are desperately unhappy in my shoes, my life choices certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. And there’s that stereotype of the spinster with the cats.

I wonder what assumptions new acquaintances make about me when they find out the above? Do they think I live a sad and unfulfilled life, or that I have some sort of awful personality flaw?

If you know anyone like me, what did you think / wonder about them as you got to know them? Or what do you think / wonder about me having read my post?

Thank you

You sound awesome, why would you care about what other people might possibly be thinking about you?

I am the same age as you, and yes friends are all understandably preoccupied with their young families right now. But, judging from my parents’ social lives and their friends, I know we will all have more time for friendships when children are a bit older and more independent.

I'm jealous. Sounds like a wonderful life!!

A strong independent woman - go you!

I doubt they'd make any at your age tbh. A lot of people in their 30s are single. The spinster with cats stereotype is usually applied to older women. Many would consider it unusual to never have had a relationship, but randoms who would make assumptions about you wouldn't know that anyway.

Late teens / Early 20s I would have assumed you were sad and lonely. Mainly because i always wanted kids and thought it was odd to be in your 30s and not married / kids.

Now I’m in my 30s I can now see people want different things, that actually you are confident in your own skin and happy. I wouldn’t think any less of someone who doesn’t want kids or a partner. You are self sufficient and have lots of hobbies and a great career.

Guess what I’m trying to say is peoples view of you will change (hopefully) as they get older and wiser. So if someone young has a bad opinion take it with a pinch of salt

I wouldn’t judge you at all, it’s not up to other people to decide how you want to live your life. As long as you’re happy that’s good.
if I could go back 40 years I would chose your life

I would have thought sad and lonely….but now I’m mid 30s, older and wiser I would think you sound like a powerhouse and a force to be reckoned with, I admire women like you and wish I was one.

I'd be rather fascinated OP, as you're unashamedly breaking the mould that we're all supposed to (and many of us want to) conform to. I always wanted a relationship and by my mid-20s I realised that I wanted DC and it seems that most people are the same, so those who are happy to stand out from the crowd are interesting to me and kind of brave too, because until I got married I found everyone was interested in seeing me paired off.

So I definitely wouldn't judge you or feel that your life was sad, because you don't sound sad at all! What is sad is when someone wants a partner and family and that hasn't happened for them, but if you don't want that and are living your life the way you want, that's great and I think a lot people would actually be envious of that.

I think you sound confident and fulfilled. I would assume you were happy, either not wanting a relationship or not wanting the wrong relationship. Nothing wrong with being single.
It's a lot worse to be in the wrong relationship and be unhappy but unable to be alone. I know many ladies who CAN NOT be single. They've stuck out awful terrible relationships & marriages. And been miserable for it's

I’d think ‘good for you - living the life you want!’

I might wonder how you’d feel in later life though - as an elderly person who has live quite a ‘risk averse’ life (relationship wise) not putting yourself ‘out there’ enough, perhaps. If you were ill or needed help - would you have people close to you you could call on for support?
Might you spend it wondering if you’d tried a relationship - you might have found a connection with someone. I mean this kindly. Not judgementally.
It’s always good to challenge ourselves - and it sounds like you do this in every other area of your life - but perhaps not relationship wise. It can be hard to be vulnerable . And I’d wonder if you might struggle with this.
Ultimately, no one’s else’s opinion on your life matters a jot - only your opinion when you look back at your life and ask yourself ‘have I made the most of it ?’

I wouldn't think you lived an unfulfilled life no. I'd admit I'm usually inwardly curious why someone in their thirties had never had a relationship but I wouldn't dream of being rude enough to ask. I'd assume they have their reasons but they are none of my business unless the person chooses to say!

I absolutely wouldn't judge anybody based on the 'facts' about your life and situation that you have described, and would honestly be slightly envious of your situation.

It's not really about the things like living alone, cats, relationship etc. When I have friends or acquaintances who have lived perhaps slightly outside of the 'expected' (not saying norm because I don't think it should be positioned in such a way), then if anything has led me to make assumptions (not judgements) it has been their behaviours, rather than their actual situation, which for one or two has led me to think that they might not be happy or might be lonely. For example one friend whose factual situation was similar to yours, but spent a lot of conversational time and energy talking about how bad men were in general and how she was so glad that she didn't have to live with a man in the house, and yet was oddly and uncomfortably flirtatious around men if we were out somewhere. So there, I assumed that really deep down there was some kind of issue around not having a relationship or whatever. Another lived alone but was not confident going out and doing things alone (like struggled with understanding public transport, was worried about waiting alone for taxis, or getting lost in an unfamiliar place etc.), so was sort of stuck at home waiting to be invited places, so in that case I think she was a little confined and restricted as she always said when we did do something like a theatre trip that it was lovely to be out and it had been x months since she'd really been anywhere. Still didn't judge, but did assume again that she maybe wished her life was different.

In your situation, and with no behaviour that led me to think you were anything other than comfortable and content with your choices, I would neither judge nor assume, and would be as I said slightly envious.

You're actually asking for people to make assumptions and judgements about you . I have a feeling this is going to be a busy thread!.
As you have a PhD I assume you are intelligent, cerebral even. You have an analytical mind and you make decisions based on practicality rather than emotions. You are very close to the pinnacle of your profession.Either way you will be financially secure probably even quite affluent.

Personally, I assume you to be self sufficient. When you're not working you keep yourself occupied. I imagine an emotional/physical relationship might actually interfere with your life as you enjoy it. You probably hear lots of "you just haven't found the right one yet" or "you will regret not having kids when you're older" because the majority of people like to categorise others and file them away neatly with all boxes ticked.

Having cats doesn't surprise me. Dogs are far too needy. Cats may appear aloof but are actually good company and manage to communicate very well. Once you have earned their approval they can be good company

You contribute more to society than you demand from it. Some of us yearn for the level of independence you enjoy, few ever attain it. The only thing that puzzles me is why you asked?

I'm going to be honest and probably regret it.

I would not think anything because I wouldn't give a shit what your situation was.

If we became friends and you chose to share the details of your life with me then I'd be happy for your happiness and sad for your sadness if they makes sense. Because you would be my friend and I would care about you.

But if our paths crossed and you told me all that I really wouldn't care enough to think anything beyond filing the information you've given me and faking a polite interest.

Love this post.

And thanks for your hello, OP! You sound pretty fab yourself <fist bump>

As an aside, have you heard of Boston marriages? (The cohabitation of two women who share finances etc). I’m not sexually attracted to women, but the idea of living with one or more good supportive close friends, and making a commitment to them that we’ll be there for each other long-term, really appeals. I think this kind of platonic commitment will become more popular given divorce rates, rising cost of living, etc.

I was single till 28 never had a relationship- sexual encounters but nothing emotional and I would have been happy to have the op’s life and then I met dh - everything immediately changed. Sometimes you don’t know what’s around the corner.

OP sounds a lot like the Maid of Honor at my wedding. Although MoH was more social, likes having nice boyfriends, moved continents (with her cats), never lived long in a small place, and is endlessly (famously) creative: eg., makes delectable yummies for workmates. She's my buddy so we have other things in common, sense of humour, that OP didn't communicate. MoH has posted very hilarious threads on FBk about the adventures of OLD.

We have different lives (I'm the one who lives in small town...). I admire my MoH friend for her many admirable qualities.

It sounds idyllic, calm and ordered.

I might also wonder at you never having had a relationship - and maybe think you might be uncompromising in terms of personality…

If I hadn’t have met my OH this would be the sort of life I might also like. With a few FWB thrown in… 😉

You’re my age. I would be impressed you had a PhD and I would probably just presume you were a career lady and may or may not settle down with a partner in years to come but other than that I wouldn’t give it too much thought. People aren’t really that interested in other peoples lives half the time they’re just wrapped up in their own heads.

I would think that you’ve had the confidence to follow your own path instead of feeling you had to be a certain way to be fulfilled. Probably a bit more interesting for doing that. I think it will be more common now as people grow less attached to the idea of fitting in a particular box.

I think I'd just say you're a professional, an introvert who loves animals, is possibly asexual/a romantic and who has some hobbies they love.

I would think maybe not maternal with no desire to have had any children. In some ways, it sounds great, so much free time to do what you like.

It seems to me you're living your life on your own terms. I'm quite jealous really. Your life sounds peaceful.

You sound completely normal to me . A single professional woman in her 30s with her own home, a good job and a social life.

I’m amazed at some of the comments upthread