What assumptions /judgements would you make about me / my life?

[Salisws]

I am 34, single, never had a relationship (don’t want one).
I have a phD and a professional career I enjoy.
I recently bought my own home, live on my own there with two cats.
I don’t lead the single party lifestyle, live in a rural town, all my friends are now married with families so I don’t see that much of them.
I have hobbies - I go running, do Yoga, help backstage with local Am-dram, volunteer with Scouts.
I go on holiday now and again, sometimes on my own, sometimes with my sister.

I am happy with my life. Yes I am lonely sometimes, but lonely because my friends no longer have as much time for me, rather than lonely for a partner.

I know women who would be/are desperately unhappy in my shoes, my life choices certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. And there’s that stereotype of the spinster with the cats.

I wonder what assumptions new acquaintances make about me when they find out the above? Do they think I live a sad and unfulfilled life, or that I have some sort of awful personality flaw?

If you know anyone like me, what did you think / wonder about them as you got to know them? Or what do you think / wonder about me having read my post?

Thank you

I love my family but I also love the sound of your life! I've always wanted to live alone with cats, somewhere rural. You have hobbies and interestsand don't sound isolated to me. I envy you!

You sound awesome OP.

Living a life you've chosen and on your terms is the perfect life.

So many women would love your life! Enjoy it!!!

To be quite honest I’d assume you were neurodiverse and/or asexual, but not in a judgey way just in a that’s how you are way

one of my close working colleagues is similar to you never had a relationship at 50 although she does have friends who she spends time with who she has met through a hobby. She goes on trips etc with them and I have a lot of respect for the fact that she is completely independent because it’s not for me, I enjoy being in a partnership and have to be doing stuff ALL the time although not always with my partner I have friends and volunteer running a Guide unit etc. my colleague is generally regarded as someone who is a little ‘out of the ordinary’ and she is extremely rigid in her belief systems and morals. Not saying everyone who is single and lives alone is! An example is we were discussing husbands/other half’s at work wanting to stay up late to watch the super bowl all night and she said if someone she lived with wanted to stay up all night watching TV that she had no interest in, she’d be very annoyed and not understand why they wanted to disturb her going to bed, and how could we put up with that, that type of thing.

To be honest I think a lot of people who say they envy your life mean it in a ‘my relationships turned out rubbish and men are arseholes’ way which I find a bit condescending of people like yourself. It’s easy to say that they want to live like you when they already have experienced the getting married, having kids thing and all the moments and ‘attention’ so to speak that comes with it. One of my friends always jokes about when she divorces her partner and lives on an island with her animals etc etc but you know she wouldn’t ever actually because she enjoys the security that comes with being with him. I find it insensitive sometimes.

Basically I wouldn’t judge you at all for being single, I also admire that you own your own home and have a PHD because that’s not easy feat and now I’ve done my MA I’ve been toying with doing an PHD and with family life I think it would be too hard right now. I’d wonder if there was an underlying reason as such though, just because I would and I can’t help that.

You sound like you are living a good life to me. I've been in relationships and I've been single, and honestly, for me, single is better. I know some people just don't understand why people choose to be single, but there are many, many good points.

Keep living your life, your way. Anyone that judges you for it isn't worth worrying about

If you are genuinely happy, then who cares!

Personally you wouldn't be my cup of tea though.

I might be a little jealous deep down because it sounds like a great life. You sound happy and fulfilled.

Genuine question about those questioning why women seek coupledom, being in relationships etc , and not to be TMI, but would people not miss having sex ?! I know you can have a ‘friend with benefits’ maybe or a casual sexual partner who doesn’t stay over but it’s complicated and risky and not the same as someone who you love and trust, surely ?

I got divorced a few years ago & have been blissfully single ever since. I’d think we’re very similar & would probably get on.

And wish that like you, I’d had the sense to stay single in the first place!

I have a friend who is very similar to you - mid thirties, professional job, own home, 2 cats, no kids or long term partner (she has had boyfriends before, but she's not got so serious as to live with any of them).
I used to think she was just enjoying being young, then when she got over 30 she made it clear that she didn't ever want children so it was just accepted she didn't want the family life and that was that. She does date - I think she would like a partner - but she's also very confident being on her own.

I would probably be quite drawn to you. I am married but quite self sufficient emotionally and always knew I did not want kids. Don’t know if you read but I’m listening to a great book called Lessons in Chemistry. The main character is brilliant really interesting refreshing read and great female characters.

Firstly, I think it's wrong for anyone else to make judgements on somebody's life choices. How boring would it be if we were all the same!

I'm 35 and my friends are the same or similar ages. Some have partneds/families and some are single. Some want children others don't. Some are stay at home mums others want careers. I love that diversity! It makes conversations so much more interesting.

I was single until I was 30. I never had a relationship at all. There were lots of reasons for this but mostly it was my mental health and self belief. I was/am a teacher, had two cats and also still lived with my parents even though I'd bought my own place. I just didn't want to live on my own. I also worried that people would judge me for my life style.

However, I turned 30 and something happened... I thought, what the hell, I'm going to try internet dating. I was scared as I'd never been on one date in my life. I'd never even kissed a man! Luckily I learnt quick - lol! After about 6 months, I met my now DH. Now the crazy stuff really happened... 2 months into our relationship, we decided we wanted to start a family. Two months later, I was pregnant. We moved in together, got engaged and our son was born a year after we met! Boom!
Now that surprised everyone lol! I was the single, cat loving, living at home, teacher who suddenly went into a whirlwind relationship! Now people made their judgements about that too so you can never win.

The most important thing is, are you happy with your life choices right now? The way your life is, is for you, nobody else. We all care to some extent what others think, but why?! Is there anything you really want in the future?

P. S. My single, childless friends are actually my favourites as they're so oooo much more interesting to talk to lol, they actually do stuff! Lol

Sounds heavenly!

My mums close friend is like you 30 years from now. As a child (so when she was your age) I thought she was strange for not ‘having a family’. And was always curious about it. She did seem quite lonely and anxious and now in her 70s still seems a bit lonely and anxious. She does have 9 siblings that live near her though!

you seem happy and content. And you life sounds wonderful.

I would think oh look, another enlightened woman .

I wouldn't think much about it to be honest - I live in London and there are lots of single adults living in their own homes, working, seeing friends... I would probably assume you'd had past relationships but just not married, and didn't feel the need to actively pursue it.

No part of it would strike me as odd.

I think you sound incredibly accomplished and have a really varied life. I would find you interesting and want to be your friend! I like it when people have lots of hobbies and interests

I think your life sounds bloody brilliant tbh and I commend you for being resilient, single minded and uncompromising. I wish I'd been more like you at that age and less preoccupied with trying to kowtow to useless men who didn't deserve my consideration.

There will be people who are shocked at your independence but I'd ignore them.

I'd think you were a confident well adjusted person and unless I saw signs to contradict that or you told me otherwise, I wouldn't worry about you.

I have two friends similar to you. I worry about one of them as she's not as confident, she's anxious and a bit depressed. The other one is more like you, confident. I worry about the first one, not the second.

I think you sound extremely well rounded OP. Probably aren't exactly the life and soul of a party but a good friend and trustworthy.

I might think you were a little bit eccentric (only a little bit, and imo nothing wrong with eccentricity!) to not want a relationship. But I'd think you lived a happy, interesting and fulfilling life.

I have an old school friend who lives along, never married, no kids. She has an incredibly full life. She's a brilliant crafter and cook, plays in a band that tours and performs all over the place. She does - or did - re-enactments too. She was always a bit eccentric at school but very interesting. And popular. One of the people everyone wants to stay in touch with on FB.

I wouldn't judge at all. I know plenty of women in your position.

if you told me you’d never ever had a relationship I’d find that a bit odd. You don’t need anyones approval- if you’re happy then great! You sound like you have lots of hobbies etc so not unfulfilled. I wonder if you would find your 40s and 50s a bit lonely as this is when most people are full on raising families. Enjoy the peace.. you might meet someone tomorrow and end up rushing round after kids you never know! Xxx

In real life I wouldn't think much tbh. I don't tend to think too deeply about acquaintances. I have single friends, married friends, friends that are parents, friend that have enough animals to fill a petting zoo. I just assume they are all doing what makes them happy.

After reading your post I assume that you are insecure, lacking I'm confidence and not as happy as you say you are. There's no other reason I can think of that someone would start a thread like this. Secure happy people don't post on the Internet looking for reassurance.

You sound very much like my best friend. She's now mid forties, consistently single, a graduate with a good career, her own house, two cats!

She does sometimes get a bit lonely, but it's really caused by societal & familial expectations - her parents have given up asking if she'll get married like her sister, & she knows what society often thinks of women like her. She's very personally content with her choices.

I admire her immensely. Whenever I see her I tell her this. She has almost paid off her mortgage, has cultivated great friendships, is known as caring & dependable to everyone around her, is highly respected at work. I've had a long (same-sex) marriage & have children (who she considers her niece & nephew & who she dotes on) & I am happy with my choices but I find something particularly impressive about her life. That's genuinely meant, it's not a patronising "hasn't she done well despite not achieving what is valued for women" - I often look at her & think she embodies what Wolf wanted for women, a room of one's own & £500 a year. Like someone upthread said, she's living the life that suffragettes & campaigners for female autonomy imagined & hoped we'd have to opportunity to achieve.

I hope you have a great life @Salisws
(I also have a PhD & know what it takes, so mutual pats on the back on that score 😀)

You sound self aware, well educated and sorted in many important areas of life, work, house etc.

I would think you have worked hard and are enjoying life, doing the things you love (am-dram), keeping fit (yoga) and fearless and brave for traveling alone. I would to do that.

I wouldn't wonder, judge or ask why you were single as your life seems good to me, but as you are asking I wonder if you were asexual or neurodiverse or had some kind of trauma or a terrible childhood that put you off relationships? Or had low self-esteem and didnn't feel worthy of love? Or a combination of all/some of these.

The main issue I think is that you still want non-romantic relationships and as all your friends are at the married/children stage then you will start to feel lonely and left out as they focus on their other priorities, leaving you without the option to socialise as once babies come into the mix most parents tend to focus on the new phase of their life.

I might also wonder if you expected more of your friendships (basically their time) than your friends with different responsibilities might be able to give and if this caused resentment and hurt for you?

I know someone similiar to you, very independent, own house, well educated, lots of hobbies, no relationship that I know of, did not ever want children but has such a busy, fantastic life that her friends actively seek her company out because she is one of those people who gets things done, organises events and meet ups but keeps herself busy so she doesnt get lonely or rely on her married with kids friends for her source of comfort/socialisong and seems genuinely content about her life, even though some part of it have been difficult.

I got married at 18 divorced at 20 and never had another relationship and i am now in my 50's. I know people have wondered why - many have assumed i am a Lesbian - not too surprising as i had a lot of Gay friends - no children so good friends to find.

I had always wondered why having a relationship was so important to people as to me it seemed irrelevant to my life and i found it really difficult to understand.

Then i discovered the terms Asexual and more importantly Aromantic and realised that is what i am. It has made no difference to my day to day life but has helped me understand why i seem 'different' to most people in not having any interest in having a significant other.