What assumptions /judgements would you make about me / my life?

[Salisws]

I am 34, single, never had a relationship (don’t want one).
I have a phD and a professional career I enjoy.
I recently bought my own home, live on my own there with two cats.
I don’t lead the single party lifestyle, live in a rural town, all my friends are now married with families so I don’t see that much of them.
I have hobbies - I go running, do Yoga, help backstage with local Am-dram, volunteer with Scouts.
I go on holiday now and again, sometimes on my own, sometimes with my sister.

I am happy with my life. Yes I am lonely sometimes, but lonely because my friends no longer have as much time for me, rather than lonely for a partner.

I know women who would be/are desperately unhappy in my shoes, my life choices certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. And there’s that stereotype of the spinster with the cats.

I wonder what assumptions new acquaintances make about me when they find out the above? Do they think I live a sad and unfulfilled life, or that I have some sort of awful personality flaw?

If you know anyone like me, what did you think / wonder about them as you got to know them? Or what do you think / wonder about me having read my post?

Thank you

I guess I would be curious to know if your situation is ego-syntonic or not.

Ie do you feel that there is a problem with your situation, or does it feel "right" and you feel quite happy for it to continue.

My immediate judgement about you would be "wow, there's someone who's got their life together"

@pixie5121 laughing (cynically, not with mirth, obviously) because it's a bit rich saying that not being in a sexual relationship means there is something wrong with them.

I doubt there are any reliable statistics regarding single/married, autistic/non autistic situations.

All the single women I know are not autistic or on a spectrum so we obviously move in different circles.

I wouldn’t judge, and as long as you seemed happy I’d assume you’ve found a way of living that suits you. I can see that it would be enjoyable, and I wouldn’t speculate on your sexuality as there’s such a wide range.

Overall I’d be happy for you, but think you have the lifestyle of someone in their 50s. I’m in my 60s so not intended as a negative - just not the “usual”.

I would just think you sound normal. There's nothing unusual in what you've said. I'm 37 and I would say about 50% of my similar aged friends are single.

Also, I just saw that you're asexual. My husband and I both are! Please don't feel like a freak for anything you've said - you're really not.

Sounds amazing! I'd love your life!

I would think it sounds like you have a lovely life, but I would understand about the loneliness. I'd actually be a little bit jealous.

I'd love to live on my own but it would mean leaving DH (although that's a seperate issue) and it's hard because I'm so scared of being even more lonely, and with it being less of the norm, a lot of people I've told can't understand it.

I wouldn't think anything. You sound completely normal.

From your initial post I'm not sure I would make any assumptions. I have friends like you, but older! Single, great career, independent, lots of interests. I do see how it's more difficult when some friends are busy with families, but both of them visits lots of friends and family with kids and are much loved "aunt" type figures / family friends.

Some of their other friends are older with children who have grown and moved on, some of their friends (male and female) are also single through choice or relationship breakdown. Another close friend who recently passed away hadn't had a relationship in years - I didn't think she must have a personality flaw!! I just don't think you can make any assumptions - I take people as I find them and if they want to tell me about their love life, well, I leave that up to them! Anyone who judges you and finds you wanting based on your relationship status or history isn't someone you'd want as a friend imo, so who cares what they think?!?

I think you sound great, but I’m fairly similar to you, if a bit older, and sometimes wonder the same things about judgements and assumptions.

im with @pixie5121 suggesting that assumptions might be made or parallels might be drawn with adults who choose a slightly less ‘conventional’ set up ie singlehood, less relationships etc and those who are neurodiverse is most definitely NOT saying there’s something ‘wrong’ with autistic / autistic identifying people in any way!

and there are studies into female neurodiversity and it’s impact on social interaction and relationships, there’s also evidence of asexuality and aromanticism linked to ASD and other neirodiverse identifying individuals as well as lots of research into gender identity and ASD. There are many links. That said, it does not mean everyone who is single is neurodiverse! That would be a madness!

@pixie5121 whatever. I'm not up for a fight. 🙄

Sounds great. I wish more people would follow what they really want instead of doing what they feel they should be doing (marriage and kids)

Sounds like a great life to me, and my assumption would be that we could be good friends!

To be honest, I rather envy you. I've been married for over 30 years and I'm quite happy with the person I married, but I like a lot of solitude, sex is not very important to either of us, and I often fantasise about what my life would be like if I had never met that person. My fantasies are all about lifestyle rather than relationships. They tend to revolve around how I would live in a city, own a really small house or flat furnished to my exact tastes, walk or cycle everywhere, participate in a lot of cultural activities and yes, maybe have a cat or two (DH is allergic to them). I don't imagine myself with a partner, but I like to think I would have friends that I knew through shared interests, so whatever I wanted to do, there was a good chance I could find someone to do it with if I didn't want to go alone.

I do think I might not be entirely NT but I don't think there's a connection between that and my attraction to living alone. I know a woman who knows she is autistic and desperately wishes she could find a partner who was right for her. She has had several short-term relationships and admits they tend to break up because she finds it hard to accept the other person doing anything she doesn't like. I also know a lovely and very obviously NT older woman who is widowed and has no intention of ever getting together with anybody else, because she's enjoying living her life exactly as she wants to, seeing friends, getting involved with causes she is passionate about and going for long walks on her own.

Whether you are NT or not is irrelevant to me - what matters is that you have chosen this lifestyle and it suits you, apart from the drifting apart from your old friends. I feel you might benefit from making some "situational friends" to do different activities with, but don't worry too much about trying to make close friends - that tends to happen when you least expect it.

FWIW, I have a son who thinks he might be asexual, and another who I think might be asexual, although he himself doesn't seem to have given it much thought - he's just himself, he does what he likes and doesn't do what he doesn't like. I don't have a problem with people being asexual, but I do have a bit of a problem with people who think there is something wrong with it, so it becomes harder for anyone to talk openly about it.

Oh thanks for all the comments here! I feel so encouraged that so many of you wouldn’t judge me 😊

The neurodiverse thing is interesting, my work brings be into contact with a lot of neurodiverse people and occasionally I have wondered if I might be (just because I do feel ‘different’), but I really don’t think I have ASD. I don’t have rigid or repetitive behaviours (in fact quite the opposite, I love to be spontaneous) and I am good at maintaining relationships with family, colleagues and friends. No sensory issues, either. I don’t think I am masking?

One PP wondered whether I have been willing to push myself out of my comfort zone enough with relationships, and I have wondered that too in the past, so twice have given it a really good go, to see whether the feeling of attraction would grow. On both occasions I met lovely men through an online dating app. We met up about once a week for several months! They were both great people but I never wanted to kiss, and never wanted to see them more often because I had other things on that I didn’t want to miss and other people I wanted to see! In the end I worried that I was leading them on, so I stopped seeing them (which was hard, because I did like them, and we could have been good friends, but I didn’t want to risk hurting them). I just feel happy enough on my own and feel as though being in a relationship would make everything more complicated? I like being around people, but being around the same person all the time is exhausting!

The PP who said I am asking to be judged is right! I suppose I am just very aware that I am quite unusual and I wonder what people make of me. I could probably do with a bit more self confidence. This thread is helping with that, so thank you 😊

Three pretty ignorant assumptions if I may say so. Not everyone wants the same thing even if they are none of those, and why should they.
/long term married/kids with two wonderful single friends whose life suits them just fine

Surely we are all projecting though, even when posters say things like the OP is an inspiration? It is unconventional but is it in 2022? I don't think the OP should worry what people think but you won't stop people thinking and making judgments. People are throwing out judgements about what they perceive as the opposite to not living the way the OP is as conventional, those who seek connections, relationships and living with someone as insincere but this is not true, just as it isn't true that the OP is 'unusual' they are happy and fulfilled in a different way.

I'd be a bit jealous tbh. This lifestyle would suit me very well.

I am married with children, never ever thought it was expected of me, if anything it wasn't and my Dad was disappointed when I left my career for a bit to bring my eldest up. Most people I know absolutely are being sincere to themselves when they have relationships and DC that is not to say these things don't break down but that does not equate to the original decision being based on a lie. I don't think it is helpful to put a whole section of society down to bolster and validate the Op's decisions. It is fine and not particularly surprising to be single on your own at their age in 2022.

I think I would do similar if I had another life. I have lots of children and an annoying husband so find myself often daydreaming about a quiet home life . Honestly no judgement at all, you’re clearly successful and satisfied.

To be honest. I’m a bit envious!