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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell parents when i’m in labour?

157 replies

Grapes89 · 10/05/2022 21:25

We have told our parents we won’t be telling anybody when I’m in labour/go in to hospital and they seem upset - didn’t say much but went very quiet. I explained my reasoning of just wanting to focus on giving birth and not updating people. What if it takes days and they’re constantly messaging and my Mum is a massive worrier and I’m not going be in a position to deal with that!

We’d tell both sets of parents first. I said that we’d be in contact the morning/
afternoon/evening baby arrives to let them know and they can come round after we’re home (probably the next day). I’d love to say a few days with no visitors as just can’t imagine trying to establish breast feeding with an audience but feel too guilty to ask them to wait that long!

The only person we intend to tell is the person who’s agreed to look after our pets.

OP posts:
Whataboutno · 10/05/2022 21:27

You can do whatever you like, your choice! No need to feel guilty about it either.

girafffesandbottoms · 10/05/2022 21:30

I don’t understand why you needed to announce this to them in advance

TheBigFish · 10/05/2022 21:30

We didn't tell anyone and it was perfect for us. I hated the idea of people knowing I was in labour and wondering what was going on. With DC2 I really didn't like the thought of someone having to know as they had to look after DC1. You should do what is best for you and not worry about others. You are the one giving birth.

3luckystars · 10/05/2022 21:31

there was no need for the announcement! Similar with the baby name, keep it to yourself.

all the best.

MintJulia · 10/05/2022 21:31

It's your labour. You do whatever you need to.

babyjellyfish · 10/05/2022 21:33

I didn't even tell my parents when my due date was. I called them after I'd given birth.

Original poster
Grapes89 · 10/05/2022 21:33

Because they said they want to know and keep calling for updates @girafffesandbottoms

My Mum can’t really understand why I don’t want her at the birth although it’s been quite a while since this was brought up!

OP posts:
RuthW · 10/05/2022 21:33

I would be devastated if my daughter chose not to tell me when she was in labour.

I can guarantee when it's your first grandchild in 30 years you will feel different.

It's your choice though.

Readytopop2022x · 10/05/2022 21:33

No need, your choice. When I went in to be induced it was like a bloody circus. The only people who respected our space is our parents. If you trust them enough then tell them. I definitely needed my mum and sisters support when things got tough. My DP was amazing throughout. But sometimes you just need your mum❤️ xxx

Yummymummy2020 · 10/05/2022 21:34

We didn’t tell either and it was lovely. No pressure or worrying about updating people, just told people a few hours later and it was so nice just having that bit of time ourselves.

Readytopop2022x · 10/05/2022 21:35

I should say, all I worried about during my pregnancy was telling people when we went into labour and visitors etc. it's all just new mum anxiety and once baby is here, that all goes away! Good luck xxx

Kinneddar · 10/05/2022 21:36

My brother & SIL never told us when she was in labour, baby was a week or so early & my.parents were away overnight (ironically near the hospital, so they saw my nice when she was 2 hours old)

None of us were at all offended & tbh on hindsight I'm glad we didn't know she was in labour it would have been torture waiting for news

Your labour, your rules

Feckingfeck · 10/05/2022 21:36

RuthW · 10/05/2022 21:33

I would be devastated if my daughter chose not to tell me when she was in labour.

I can guarantee when it's your first grandchild in 30 years you will feel different.

It's your choice though.

This.

Its also a bit precious to need to break the news that you wont tell them.

You wont be the first or last person to give birth so this is all a bit PFB really ....

Tigrillo · 10/05/2022 21:37

YANBU, I did exactly the same, but you didn't need to tell them in advance. Don't mention it again, just call them once baby has arrived as you planned.

Or you might end up with a long induction and feel very bored and want to call your mum for support.

Original poster
Grapes89 · 10/05/2022 21:38

@babyjellyfish wish we’d done this with the due date! If we have another I’ll be very vague!

@3luckystars it wasn’t so much of an announcement as a please stop asking/trying to find out clues! I probably should have said that in my OP. Luckily we can’t decide on a name so that’s easy enough to keep quiet!

OP posts:
onewednesdayindecember · 10/05/2022 21:38

I think it’s easier when people don’t know you’re in labour, but you could have just kept saying ‘no, no updates yet’ and not announced that you weren’t going to tell them. I think you’ve caused an issue unnecessarily there

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 10/05/2022 21:39

Bit precious imo. If your dps are nice people and you love them treating them like an inconvenience will hurt them immensely
.
You will I assume be hoping they will love your dc like they love you?

Purringcat3 · 10/05/2022 21:39

We didn’t tell the parents. You don’t owe them every detail, this is about you and your partner

CurbsideProphet · 10/05/2022 21:40

I will be doing the same. My DM was borderline hysterical when my sibling was in labour as there was no news for 24 hours (long labour, no mobile signal in the labour ward, BIL obviously not going to leave just to update no news yet). Perhaps some mums will be very calm and just just quietly excited for the news, but not all are like that.

BaaMoon · 10/05/2022 21:42

It's fine in principle but in reality they will keep asking how you are etc and then when you go silent they will know it's time. So you'll have to stop contacting them and ignore them for like a month before the birth if its going to work. Unless you don't normally speak to them.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/05/2022 21:43

Why are you making something so simple into something so dramatic? You could give occasional updates and also turn off your phones. It's not complicated. Instead, you went ahead and deeply hurt your mother's feelings for no reason whatsoever. Of course she's worried about you and the baby, she loves you.

Toottooot · 10/05/2022 21:44

It didn’t even occur to us to inform parents. They were in no way offended and simply over the moon once they had been informed of their grandchild’s arrival - 5 hours after the birth.

HSKAT · 10/05/2022 21:44

Do as you wish, it's your time but I do think it's pretty mean tbh.

Can always say your in labour and you'll let them know when babies arrived.
You don't have to sit on your phone. Just turn it off.

Mamai90 · 10/05/2022 21:45

I wouldn't have dreamed of not telling our parents when I went into labour. And equally like a pp said I'd be devastated if my daughter didn't tell me she was in labour.

Each to their own. But I get why she's upset.

User57327259 · 10/05/2022 21:45

It is your baby and you can make your own choices but always remember that your choices will have possible repercussions.

Are you keeping the birth a secret but then going to allow everyone to touch and lift the baby or will you keep up the standoffish behaviour?
Will you still think this is a good plan when you are hoping for someone to do a little babysitting and no-one will because they hardly know the child?
I know someone who did this and it did not go well but as said above it is your choice