To not tell parents when i’m in labour?

[Grapes89]

We have told our parents we won’t be telling anybody when I’m in labour/go in to hospital and they seem upset - didn’t say much but went very quiet. I explained my reasoning of just wanting to focus on giving birth and not updating people. What if it takes days and they’re constantly messaging and my Mum is a massive worrier and I’m not going be in a position to deal with that!

We’d tell both sets of parents first. I said that we’d be in contact the morning/
afternoon/evening baby arrives to let them know and they can come round after we’re home (probably the next day). I’d love to say a few days with no visitors as just can’t imagine trying to establish breast feeding with an audience but feel too guilty to ask them to wait that long!

The only person we intend to tell is the person who’s agreed to look after our pets.

DC arrived nearly 2 weeks early. Neither set of parents are local (3-4 hrs drive) and I was under consultant care as birth was always a little risky for me. Didn’t tell any of them until hours later (a girls got to eat her tea and toast!). Didn’t want the messages or them worrying and projecting that worry on to DP. I’m v close to my family but this worked best for me.

YANBU. My in-laws knew I'd gone into labour when DD1 was born, because they were our emergency childcare for DSD.

But my MIL is a worrier. And after 36 hours of not hearing anything, she decided it was appropriate to call DH for an update while I was crowning. He still remembers the bollocking I gave him.

My own DM was emergency child care for DD2's birth. But by then, she'd heard the story about DD1's birth and I think settled for sending a text and actually waiting for us to respond.

Your labour, your birth, your rules.

@OP One way I could see to make things better with your own DM is to explain clearly that if you guys inform her you're off to hospital, she'll just have to wait for word. No calling for updates and distracting you.

Try to jog her memory about what things were like when she was a labouring mother. If she had a different approach (like an epidural from the start), that might get a good dialogue going between you two.

Yeah - you've shot yourself in the foot with this announcement OP.

It would have been better to just quietly go into labour, spend as long in hospital as necessary, & then only tell people when you were ready.

Now, you'll spend that time with the background knowledge that your parents are wondering if you are in labour, & that they feel hurt about it.

It's one of those rare cases where it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

This is something that's entirely up to the individual. It's not unreasonable for you not to tell them when you're in labour, and I can see why you'd rather not, if you're being constantly badgered for updates when there's nothing to say.

I don't think it'll stop your mum worrying, though. Instead of worrying for the duration of your labour, she'll just worry for the whole time now until you announce that the baby's arrived.

I also think that, just as YANBU not to want to announce the start of your labour, your mum is NBU to be a little bit hurt by that. It's just one of those personal things that will be different for eveyrone.

We didn't tell anyone with the first, obviously did with the 2nd as we needed childcare.

Get used to offending people, there's always someone not happy with what you do, how you raise them, how you feed them blah blah.

You do what you want, your baby, your birth, your choice.

With my first child, my husbands work knew (as he was off!) but no one else. Baby was born 1am, so they found out at a sensible time that morning. I was induced at 8am so it took a while. Mother in law had indicated that she wanted to pop in while I was in labour or wait in the waiting room - so best she didn’t know. She did get a visit the next day as her Dad was in the same hospital, so she visited us both!

With number 2, my in laws knew as they had the eldest, but I did not tell my parents until after he arrived (much quicker this time!). They don’t have mobiles, so ringing the landline to update would have been a pain and my mum worries!

just to add - in laws did text for updates - but husband got to deal with that!

@iCouldSleepForAYear out of interest, did your DH pick up or have his phone on silent or anything? If he picked up the phone when you were crowning I’d say the bollocking was well deserved!

I didn’t deliver until about 26 hours after getting to hospital and I think MiL called a couple of times in the final two hours when things were a bit dramatic, but DH had his phone on silent and I don’t think he was even aware she’d rung until he went to his phone to message that DD was here safely and we were fine. We’d made it clear that phones were for messaging out only, at times to suit us (ie not when they were pulling DD out with the salad tongs or I was getting stitched up with only gas and air for pain relief 🤬)

I agree OP for the same reasons as you. Both dc arrived before due date so we Skype called and panned the camera round to the little surprise ( parents abroad)

NOBODY ANNOUNCED ANYTHING

Not quite. He had it on silent, but I think forgot to switch off vibrate. So it rattled away on a counter across the room while I was doing my thing, holding his hand. Dialogue went something like:

"DH TURN THAT OFF!"

^DH tries to extract himself from my grip to get up and turn off intrusive phone.
^
"DON'T GO ANYWHERE!!!"

It was 36 hours without an epidural. Neither of us got that much sleep.

I didn't tell people I wasn't going to tell them I was in labour, I just didn't tell them! We rang the relevant people up shortly after the birth to let them know.

Granted it was a very quick morning labour that lasted less than four hours and was done by 9 am. If it had been a 48 hour marathon and mum had rung me in the middle of it by coincidence, I might have told her. She'd have worried if I didn't pick up after all. But the plan was not to tell and that's the plan again this time.

She did specifically say that she wouldn't be informing them when she went into labour.

There was no need to draw attention to that.

😁Fair enough, I’d say that was remarkably measured from you under those circumstances!

We didn't tell either set of parents either. Mostly because of my mum because she asked NOT to be told! To quote her, she said something like "just give me a call when there's something to celebrate." She's a worrier, and we all knew she'd just be up all night panicking about me and the babies (I had twins).
Because of her, we didn't tell DH's parents either, but they didn't seem fussed either way.
Both sets received a happy breakfast-time phone call instead.

Not RTFT but it sounds as though you enjoy creating drama...

@Topseyt123
When asked why she told her parents her intentions OP stated :
Because they said they want to know and keep calling for updates.
So they asked a question and she answered it. So there was no big "announcement", no going out of her way to cause "drama".

This ^ thanks @Youseethethingis1

It’s not ok to badger somebody constantly about their babies pending arrival no matter who you are. I have never once asked anybody and a lot of people close to me have had babies recently. I actually don’t think it’s drama to let them know our plans at all seen as they wouldn’t stop asking! I won’t be worrying about it, keeping an open mind or changing my mind because everybody (who’s asked) now knows we’ll be in touch after. I’m certain what’s best for me and baby os I’m not dealing with their worry when I’m pretty busy giving birth!

It is a bit precious to have announced it in advance. This never occured to me at all when I was pregnant. I went into labour and didn't tell my mum as it didn't occur to me! She was disappointed when she found out I had given birth and hadn't told her I was in labour. I don't know why I didn't think to, but it wasn't for any reason.

Exactly, very well said @Youseethethingis1 . Saying a birth is not a private event is bonkers 🙄it’s one of the most vulnerable moments in a woman’s life, not a spectators sport ffs.

Don't tell them. We did (I had PROM at 38 weeks, went for induction and we had to cancel plans). MiL rang the labour ward after we'd only been there 8 hours and the stupid student midwife decided to tell me mid-push!

We only told DH parents when DC1 was born as they were having the dogs for us, no one else was told till they were here.

With our 2nd we told my mum as well as she was looking after our 1st, again dogs went to my in laws, but no one else.

This time, I'm hoping we can have a friend who can come stay at our house with all of them so we don't have to tell parents at all 🤞🤞

Unfortunately my first labour dragged out across most of the weekend and copped a lot of routine weekend phone calls as things were painfully reaching towards the point of hospital accepting us, so news got out because I wasn't able to quietly breathe through the contractions at that point. DS did not get a move on and there wasn't anything helpful to report until he was born at lunch time the next day.

Knowing just results in family panicking needlessly, and if things are looking slow or hairy, updates aren't going to help anyway.

Do people really actually want updates? The truth is not exactly reassuring to the anxious...
11pm hospital finally admitted me, waiting for a bed
12pm fucking hell give me a bed and pain relief!
3am did a shit fuck it stinks
5am nothing much happening, breaking my waters, FUCK!!! YES YES I'LL HAVE THE PETH...
8am urrgghh
10am another shit, why aren't my arms long enough to deal with this?
What's happening? Why am I in a wheelchair?
Arrgghh I'm on fire
Shit there's sirens, so many people!
Ahh, spinal block! 🤩
What's going on? Has it been born yet? Where is it? Is my baby ok????
I think it's a boy, someone said they're taking "him" to NICU
2pm In recovery on my own, this is weird
Ooh, DH is back with photos of my baby
Oh I'm off to HDU now, my liver's not working properly
6pm ooh, is that a pram? Hello baby, I'm so relieved to meet you 😍

The only communication was a group text and phonecall (to the technophobe) that Percival Horatius BOGOF had been born at 1pm weighing X and there'd been a CS. Not that I'd met him yet...

DS2, only my local childcare knew and after having family stressing over silence first time, wanted it as need to know. Fortunately it was a late night in the week, and DS2 got a move on and celebratory text was sent in the early hours of the morning. TBH there wasn't anything helpful I could have updated about that. It was short and intense.

If a relative is asking for news of labour for their own gratification (rather than giving practical support), it's a guarenteed losing situation. Chances are you'll go quiet because it's tiring, long, there's nothing helpful to say or no signal anyway. It's not so many years since a birth was announced by payphone, and no one could have had regular updates anyway. The priority is the well-being of mother and baby, not pandering to neurotic relatives.

See, I think if you are close you could understand your DD’s needs without taking it personally.

Told my mum I was gone in cos she was due over for a coffee. Dh had agreed not to tell his family yet and then ended up telling his sister who told his mum who told another ..... I came out of recovery after an emergency section, still groggy from anaesthetic, to see his mum & sister rushing over for a look. I'm still annoyed by this 29 years later 🙄