To not tell parents when i’m in labour?

[Grapes89]

We have told our parents we won’t be telling anybody when I’m in labour/go in to hospital and they seem upset - didn’t say much but went very quiet. I explained my reasoning of just wanting to focus on giving birth and not updating people. What if it takes days and they’re constantly messaging and my Mum is a massive worrier and I’m not going be in a position to deal with that!

We’d tell both sets of parents first. I said that we’d be in contact the morning/
afternoon/evening baby arrives to let them know and they can come round after we’re home (probably the next day). I’d love to say a few days with no visitors as just can’t imagine trying to establish breast feeding with an audience but feel too guilty to ask them to wait that long!

The only person we intend to tell is the person who’s agreed to look after our pets.

Completely understand and agree with this!!
From my experience, it's the most annoying thing when everyone keeps asking for updates and you are just trying to focus on the situation!
I know they are excited but constantly having to tell people what is going on was very annoying the first time. We didn't even tell anyone our due date the second time to save the messages asking if there are any signs of the baby coming from 37 weeks +

Sure, that's one way to look at it - based on the one sentence you have read about the situation.

I think it's really sad you don't want to tell them. I'd be devastated too and wouldn't have dreamt of not letting my mum know (she was actually at the birth of my DS but that was more accident than design!). Why don't you just let them know when it starts but tell them you won't be providing updates until baby is born. You then include them but don't feel you have to constantly update them.

What a silly comment 😂
Sorry but what did you expect @mistermagpie to do, leave the children at home alone...? Of course they have to sort childcare.

Well that's up to her to deal with and manage. She's an adult she doesn't need you to shield her from information in case she worries.

I gave them a wrong date otherwise they would have started wittering, however she came a month early so they seemed very confused! Until I started looking at MN I didn't realise people 'announced' labour had started, I assumed the birth was announced once ot was all over.

Yes this. If it's a loving supportive relationship normally, it just creates a bit of an upset. Keeping family at arms length is often mentioned as a good thing on here where babies are concerned. I'm glad our family aren't like that. When my stepson's wife went into labour they told us, we didn't interfere - we all trust each other to behave like adults with no drama.

I told my parents because i wanted to get out of going to theirs for drinks with the neighbours

i admit i may have panicked slightly 😀

but I don’t think you are unreasonable at all to not tell your parents. It will take away some of the pressure

Why do you need to know, you can't do anything anout it! Hopefully you're not one of those parents who congregates outside the delivery room.

We did tell my parents after I was in full labour. They live 450M away so no chance of them getting here and they never asked for updates but waited patiently until baby was born.

With DS1 they were just so relieved to have some good news after my 2 sisters' divorces in the previous 6 months.

We never even discussed if they wanted to be told and when. They waited for us and we were glad to share.

That said - it's your pregnancy so you do what suits you and don't worry about them bothering you. You'll be too busy anyway focusing on your birth!

Best of luck!

Didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour with DS. Very glad too as it was a 46 hour labour ending in an emergency c-section. Stressful enough without having people constantly wanting updates. It was helpful that DS arrived early as nobody suspected anything.

Seems like a bit of a drama over nothing to me, but it's your choice.

My daughter didn't tell me and I respected her choice but it was awful. I knew when she was in Labour because she went silent on all our family groups. I was beside myself with worry you need to understand that you're her baby and you would never want to leave your child in hospital without knowing. The second time she nearly died in Labour. Having said all that I took it like a champ and kept myself busy but it was rubbish. Is there a compromise? Could you say you would ring her a couple of times?

We didn't tell parents when I went into labour. Never even occurred to us, but then I started contractions at midnight, went into hospital at 3am and had baby at 6am. I then had complications. Once everything was sorted, and a more civilised hour DH phoned the new grandparents. I'm not sure they would have appreciated a middle of the night phonecall, especially when things started to go wrong.

Agree it just seems mean. Telling your parents you are in labour doesn't mean you have to be updating every 5 minutes. If your mum is a worrier then sure, tell her that you need her to not bombard you with messages. Also comms.can go through dh so.you don't have to handle it.

I really don't get the "bubble". My sister rang me half way through to tell me how amazing the epidural was. My indiction took forever - text and WhatsApp chit chat with family and friends kept me sane.

No need to announce anything.
I went into Labour and was with dh. I never said a dicky bird to anyone. I told my parents when dd was born. My Labour was 7 hours long and overnight, so no point in telling anyone.

Those saying they’d be upset if they weren’t informed - what value is there in being told your daughter’s in labour, especially if you’re not there and can’t do anything about it? I don’t understand why it matters, as opposed to just being told when baby is born?

Devastated? Really?

I'm must be old and grumpy but there seems to be so much pressure on Mum's to be.

I'm so glad I went into labour in the evening and could happily phone my DDad and tell him he was a Grandad in the morning. My DH then phoned his DP's and everyone else.

I really regret telling my parents with dc1. They’re generally lovely but the constant phone calls for updates really stressed me out. My overriding memory is of dc finally being born after a long and complicated labour and the phone ringing within minutes and dh having a long conversation with my dad. Completely destroyed the moment.

I had a planned c section, we didn't tell anyone. Just surprised them afterwards with we've had our baby and she's a girl. We didn't know the sex either - grandparents loved it as they didn't have the worry of waiting.

Its your birth, do whatever helps you to enjoy it, it really is the most amazing experience

I would be devastated if my daughter chose not to tell me when she was in labour.
I can guarantee when it's your first grandchild in 30 years you will feel different.

How can you guarantee that? I don't want to know when either my dds or dils go into labour. Why on earth would I be devastated ?

I want to know when I have a grandchild safely delivered.

I think not telling anyone when you go into labour is perfectly normal. Neither of our parents knew (with dc1.... my Mum came to look after dc1 when we went in with dc2). No-one knew for when my silbings' dc1s were born either.
I think it is odd and creating a drama to tell them / make an announcement that 'you aren't going to tell them'.

I told mine, but I also asked them to please not bombard me with calls or messages, and that we'd update them as soon as anything update-worthy happened.

I think if my daughter does the same if/when she eventually has a child, I'd be happy with this, but equally if she didn't tell me she's in labour, I wouldn't feel devastated exactly but I'd feel a little sad that I'd have been out shopping or whatever, oblivious to the fact that she's going through an extremely important life event. However I'd definitely respect her choice and I wouldn't ever bring that up as at the end of the day it's not going to be about me and my feelings!

Thanks everybody!

I was trying to avoid a long OP but it wasn’t an announcement, it was more in response to expectations/questions. I didn’t think it was fair they thought I’d be telling them I was in labour and updating them on when I won’t!

I’m not constantly in contact with our parents so nobody will freak out if they don’t hear from me for a day. If I go massively over due/have a long labour it’d be more obvious so I’ll just keep up with general chat in family groups (or get DP to) rather than disappear completely!

Other than my Mum being a worrier (which typically involves me worrying about her and having to talk her round) we have a lovely relationship. Same with DP’s family.
They have been very involved and I’m very happy for them all to have as many cuddles and 1:1 time with baby as they like once they’re here. They’ll be great grandparents. Not telling them I’m in labour doesn’t mean nobody will know the baby, it doesn’t really equate to the same thing...

I’ve had several invasive procedures in the past, never wanted anybody there for any of them. It’s not pfb it’s very much that I don’t like being on show or having somebody outwardly worrying when I’m trying to stay calm.

It’s good to know I’m not the only one who didn’t/won’t tell parents. I’m just going to trust my instincts on this one and do what’s right for me and baby. I really do just want to labour in relative peace. Nobody will be denied cuddles or a relationship with their grandchild and I certainly don’t have any expectations re: potential future grandchildren.

@RocketsMagnificent7 what you said is very much behind my thoughts on this!

@Sahara123 i’d love to be in a time before mobile phones and the expectation of instant updates. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to share just not instantly!