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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell parents when i’m in labour?

157 replies

Grapes89 · 10/05/2022 21:25

We have told our parents we won’t be telling anybody when I’m in labour/go in to hospital and they seem upset - didn’t say much but went very quiet. I explained my reasoning of just wanting to focus on giving birth and not updating people. What if it takes days and they’re constantly messaging and my Mum is a massive worrier and I’m not going be in a position to deal with that!

We’d tell both sets of parents first. I said that we’d be in contact the morning/
afternoon/evening baby arrives to let them know and they can come round after we’re home (probably the next day). I’d love to say a few days with no visitors as just can’t imagine trying to establish breast feeding with an audience but feel too guilty to ask them to wait that long!

The only person we intend to tell is the person who’s agreed to look after our pets.

OP posts:
HorribleHerstory · 10/05/2022 21:48

telling them you aren’t going to tell them is a bit weird. It wouldn’t occur to me to state it as it wouldn’t occur to me to tell anyone anything before there is actually something to tell.

i just rang relatives when I was holding the babies after their births and told them they’d been born and their names and arranged for them to come round and meet them.

id be happy if my dc wanted me to help them at the births of their children but if I wasn’t needed directly I’d just wait for happy news.

girafffesandbottoms · 10/05/2022 21:48

People on MN are so precious about this sort of thing and very controlling. If they were asking you re updates you could have said “we will keep you posted” or something vague and if you didn’t want to then not text at the time.

the reality is that you are the type of person who will post in 6 months asking why your family are not interested in your baby, when you’ve shut them out of stuff. It’s so classic

Original poster
Grapes89 · 10/05/2022 21:49

@CurbsideProphet good to know it’s not just me. My Mum is great but she’s a worrier and I’m not actually sure her knowing I’m in labour will be a fun experience for her never mind what she’ll be like if I have a very long or complex labour!

OP posts:
Whatelsecouldibecalled · 10/05/2022 21:52

I didn't tell my mum. But it wasn't a conscious decision! I was induced. She knew I had gone in to be induced. My labour started quickly and before I knew what was really happening I was giving birth.

It was in the height of covid first wave so I was more worried about ringing my husband so he could attend the labour. We did let her know asap (and other parents) soon after DS arrived. They then got to meet him 12 weeks later Confused

BaaMoon · 10/05/2022 21:54

Could you not just tell her when you've gone in to labour and then promise you'll contact her once baby is here? You don't have to have your phone on.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/05/2022 21:54

Grapes89 · 10/05/2022 21:49

@CurbsideProphet good to know it’s not just me. My Mum is great but she’s a worrier and I’m not actually sure her knowing I’m in labour will be a fun experience for her never mind what she’ll be like if I have a very long or complex labour!

So if you do have a very long labour, your plan is to not contact your mother at all, possibly for days? That will help with her worrying. 🙄

Owwlie · 10/05/2022 21:57

Don’t mention it again and don’t tell them if you don’t want to. It’s irritating enough when you’re overdue and are getting daily ‘and signs yet?’ texts from multiple people.

I didn’t tell anyone with DC1 as I was being induced and I didn’t know how long it would take (a bloody week!) and didn’t want to be having to give constant updates. Also, when I said I didn’t want anyone but DH there when I was in labour my mom said ‘but it’d be okay if me and your dad popped in’. Er, no, it’s not a fucking show. So there was no way I was risking it.

With DC2 we only told MiL who was looking after DC1.

With DC3 it was during Covid, we only told my parents as they were looking after DC1&2 (moved house in between births so they were nearer) but as there was a restriction on visitors my mom couldn’t show up even if she had wanted to!

HSKAT · 10/05/2022 21:58

All mothers worry when their daughters are in labour.
I don't think it would help her not having a clue what's going on tbh.
Your just not going to contact for possibly days?
She'll know your in labour and probs worry more not hearing anything.

Anonymouseposter · 10/05/2022 21:58

You don't have to tell them when you go into labour if you prefer not to but it was unnecessary , dramatic and a bit mean to announce it in advance.

CurbsideProphet · 10/05/2022 22:00

@Grapes89 my mum is a worrier about medical matters. She convinced herself of all the worst case scenarios due to lack of updates and ended up really upsetting me and Ddad. I didn't tell my Dsis this for quite a while, as she would have been upset to know DM had been carrying on like that.

I can see lots of other posters have different mums who stay very calm and supportive in these sorts of circumstances, which is great, but if you know your mum will have anxiously sleepless nights and be texting endlessly for an update I agree it's best to say in advance "DM and Ddad, just letting you know we won't be making an announcement when I'm in labour, but we will tell you once baby is born". That way everyone knows where they stand and no one can be upset at the time.

Obviously lots of people in here disagree, but that's fine as everyone has different relationships with their mums / parents.

Doveyouknow · 10/05/2022 22:01

I didn't tell my dps or pils when I went into labour. It didn't occur to me to tell them. We rang when the baby was born. No one seemed upset by not being told about my labour they just seemed delighted the baby was here safe and sound.

HorribleHerstory · 10/05/2022 22:02

its a bit of a nebulous concept going into labour though. When are you in labour, when are you not. If you know you are for sure it’s far less likely you’ll be ringing people with updates , it was hard enough for me to ring the midwife.

if you are in very late pregnancy you are basically building a very long process toward the baby being born. I can’t point at one time or moment when “in labour” was announced or confirmed, by the time it felt like it might be real the babies were basically here. I have no idea when I’d have rung people as I didn’t even want to ring the midwife really as I thought she’d think I was overreacting. But she didn’t and then we were just busy with the baby having part.

CorpusCallosum · 10/05/2022 22:02

Your body, your labour, your choice.

With my first I was in labour for a long time so people found out. As predicted my mum went into worry overdrive, especially when having texted requesting an update she didn't get a reply from DH.... there was no signal in the hospital.

Second time I had to tell mum as she was coming to look after DD and it was as awful as I thought. I only wanted DH around, I was in flipping labour and she was hovering trying to ask me questions about completely trivial stuff during contractions, thinking about it still gives me the rage.

So... you might end up wanting your mum around but you probably won't 😉 trust your instincts. Good luck 🌸

BarnacleNora · 10/05/2022 22:07

I've been on the other side of this with my sil and I'd have preferred not to know. I'd had a really awful first labour and not hearing anything but knowing she was in labour was really really hard. I couldn't help but imagine all sorts of scenarios despite trying to give myself a stern talking to. I respected their space and didn't message for updates but god the waiting was horrendous! Would have been much better just to have been called and told the baby had arrived!

With my first baby I was all for not telling anyone and that was originally the plan. However unfortunately what we hadn't thought of was that my exh taught at the school his nephew attended. When he didn't show up to school the nephew twigged, called his mum, the family rumour mill started churning and then we felt we'd better tell my parents before my ex mil got to them first (she had not an awful lot of tact). As it turns out I didn't care or notice anything about any updates but I think my ex was fielding a few 'how's it going' type txts. Was a fucking long labour though (33 hours) so I'm not surprised really. He didn't seem that bothered having to do it when he talked about it and as I say, I didn't even know they were happening

gothereagain · 10/05/2022 22:08

girafffesandbottoms · 10/05/2022 21:30

I don’t understand why you needed to announce this to them in advance

Same.

You aren't unreasonable not to tell them, but by telling them you won't be telling them you've given them opportunity to consider if they'd want to know!

3luckystars · 10/05/2022 22:16

I could not have my mother anywhere near me during any sort of situation like that.
she rang me while I was actually in labour and I had to pretend I wasn’t, I was having massive contractions and I had to answer the phone and stay calm or she would have gotten suspicious. Thank God I gave birth very quickly, about 30 minutes in total. (So you can imagine how strong those contractions were at the stage she rang.)

I love her so much and she is so kind but I know my limits.

all the very best and I hope everything works out for you

AlasEarwacs · 10/05/2022 22:17

I don't understand this need for cloak and daggers, all this 'oh I just want to be left alone to have a bubble with me , husband and baby' do what you want but understand it's sad

mistermagpie · 10/05/2022 22:18

We didn't tell anyone with the first baby, it was lovely and felt really special just the three of us in our little bubble until we told anyone. The baby was born at around 10:30pm and we didn't tell anyone until the morning. I would recommend it.

With my other two children we had to tell because we needed childcare!

AlasEarwacs · 10/05/2022 22:18

@Feckingfeck I completely agree. Hope I'm 30 years time youre kept in the dark and at arms length from your grand child op

AlasEarwacs · 10/05/2022 22:19

@mistermagpie so the only reason you told family the baby was coming was because you needed something from them? Sad

Eightiesfan · 10/05/2022 22:25

I was the same, I couldn’t deal with my DM histrionics and drama.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 10/05/2022 22:26

AlasEarwacs · 10/05/2022 22:18

@Feckingfeck I completely agree. Hope I'm 30 years time youre kept in the dark and at arms length from your grand child op

The baby isn't here yet, she's not keeping anyone at arms length. All she wants is to be able to labour in peace.

Anyone would think it isn't well documented that stress can slow down/hinder labour. Mums need to be in the best place they can be and if that means no outside distractions of over-anxious grannies then so be it. It does not mean they won't be allowed a relationship with the baby. And people are accusing the OP of being dramatic 🤨

Kona84 · 10/05/2022 22:30

the only person I told was the dog sitter.
and I also had no visitors for a week like you said trying to establish breastfeeding is hard enough without an audience.

Neverreturntoathread · 10/05/2022 22:33

Yanbu. We told my parents, and DH’s sister (because she happened to call while it was going on).

We couldn’t turn off phone because we were waiting for the midwife to call back. We asked SIL to leave us alone and please not call but she still phoned back several times with questions/ because she was worried 🙄

Parents arrived unexpectedly at my house next morning.

We regretted telling them!

Sahara123 · 10/05/2022 22:33

In the good old days before mobiles it was very difficult to keep people updated , you just went to hospital, had a baby then your husband or partner went to find a phone box to call people. No one was at all concerned about knowing when you’d gone in to labour , they’d know soon enough when you’d had your baby ! What else do they actually need to know ?! I firmly believe it’s a private time between a mum and dad , no way do I want or expect to know when my daughter goes into labour .

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